Wow -- it's been quite a while. Things are going all right for dh and me. We're going to be an "angel couple" for retrouvaille in September. He still hasn't said "ILY", and I'm beginning to wonder how long I can live in a state of limbo. Every time he's the slightest big withdrawn or quiet, I start to worry. I have discussed it with him and he says he's "not planning on leaving", but I'm pretty sure he wasn't planning on it last time either!
It starts with little steps. It took my H forever, and you really have to give credit to H being an "angel couple". That is a commitment to the institution, and I'm told by the angel couple that worked on my retro weekend, it causes more dialogue to start. I encourage you to stay with the program and be in it for the long haul.
I've been hit by a thunderbolt from above today. I was discussing my marriage with a coworker and telling her how unhappy and disatisfied I am these days. She said, "Well, how could you not be? You need a partner -- someone who loves you unconditionally and is your biggest fan -- your biggest cheerleader. You don't need someone you can't count on". We went on to talk about why I'm so unhappy -- dh doesn't do his share at home, he is reluctant to join the family in any outings, rarely plans anything, etc. She said that it sounds almost as though we're in a codependent relationship -- I enable him.
DUH!! I realized that I have never really, truly dropped the rope and started treating him like a grownup who is responsible for his own happiness. Instead, I'm constantly checking -- trying to push him to have fun with his friends, asking him to do chores, doing them myself when I can't stand it anymore and feeling resentful about it -- treating him like one of my children rather than a spouse. Okay, okay -- I know people (Betsey in particular) TRIED to tell me to quit doing this, but somehow I never quite got it. Do you think it's too late?
Repeat after me. My name is Mom2Two and I'm a controloholic.... we should have a support group.
Hearing about your discussion with co-worker hit way too close to home for me. When I finally learned to let go of the rope, many of those things began to change. H seems to appreciate me more now that I do less! It's a revelation for sure. I still have little epiphanies when I realize something I think is very innocent or helpful is actually controlling.
Now your assignment is to really examine how much of your automatic behavior is actually controlling. Really dig deep. But, you can also look forward to a very liberating feeling when you start really, really dropping the rope.
Thanks ladies. I will make a serious attempt to try! Maybe it's already working -- dh has done the dishes 3 days in a row now. That's supposed to be "his chore" but I do it a lot because it drives me nuts to have dirty dishes all over the kitchen and he only does them when he feels like it.
I'm feeling very odd these days about my marriage. I am quite restless and unhappy. I deserve and want a husband who is a true partner -- someone who loves me unconditionally, is my biggest supporter and cheerleader, and someone who is a "there" as an equal.
Instead I have someone who doesn't think he's in love with me, and a husband who reluctantly, if at all, participates in family activities. I want a husband who will willingly go places with us -- the zoo, the farmer's market, the pumpkin patch, church -- without me feeling as though I'm dragging him along and he's hating every minute. I guess I feel as though it's a catch-22. He should be true to himself and not do things he hates, but yet I do things with/for him and the kids that aren't necessarily exciting or fun to me. Isn't making that sacrifice part of being a family?
My dh rarely does his share around the house, having zero interest in keeping a nice house or yard. Even things like taking the trash out, minimal grass cutting, and changing light bulbs go undone because he has a very lazy nature and would rather just sit around. I can't do everything and it's stressing me out all the time. I HATE having a straggly yard and dirty, messy house, but I work full-time and have two young kids. I NEED someone who does his share.
This issue has come up again and again and again and again in our marriage and he usually has the same response. "I'll try harder" or "This is me -- you knew what I was like when you married me". Nothing ever changes.
I guess I'm wondering just how long I can work on my marriage when I'm unhappy and wondering if it's even worth it. I'm probably rambling here, so I'll stop
Okay, now you've brought some helpful tidbits to the surface and I'm going to be asking some questions.
What would happen if you were to drop the rope and take on those family activities without inviting him along? In other words, to act AS IF you are content with taking responsbility for yourself and the kids and see how the pendulum will swing?
It seems as though he is still feeling resentful. If that is true, what do you think are the causes for this?
Just something to consider...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
