This is the roller coaster ride - if you want to keep dbing this is what you have to keep dealing with. I may be totally wrong, but I still say that you've got a good shot.
You know if you ask for a direct answer, it's going to be negative so don't dwell on what he says (you know - don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see). I really don't believe your H has made up his mind about the R or even moving out. The door has been open for a long while now and he hasn't left. This is so similar to my own sitch that it's making my stomach churn. If you still want to save the M, don't ask him to leave, don't issue any ultimatums - the decision has to ALL his.
I think my H was also sure I would kick him out, but I was not going to do it no matter how hard it was. My H also went through the furniture thing, spending months buying a sofa bed, renovating apt, and doing so and talking about it in front of me. Even now it's very hard to believe that he could do all of that and then not leave.
But I believe the only reason is that I made it very easy for him to stay. I didn't comment on the furniture, renovation progress, the lack of rent money, time spent away from me, time spent with me, etc. I made sure he felt absolutely no pressure to make a move or explain anything. I just did my best to make myself someone with whom anyone would want to spend more time, and went out of my way to show him I did admire and appreciate him.
Don't give up unless you want to. You're still in a good place and can get back on track. His indecision is your best friend, remember that and use it to your advantage. What is your H looking for in an R - what's been missing that you can provide or what's going on you should leave behind??
I find it incredibly interesting that your H's response to your demand that H either move out now or go to counseling, H says he'd like to have a drink and watch the late show!? That says to me that he doesn't have a clue as to what he really wants, but he certainly still likes to be around you.
Which brings me to my response to your visit on my thread and what may be a useful exercise. Do you think we might develop a code book for these guys? At the very least I've learned that anything other than an outright agreement means a no.
Maybe I'll think about it We'll see Etc = NO, and don't try and make me.
I think we should... = I really, really want this and I want you to just agree.
Vacuuming = I'm doing something to help and I want credit for it, even though I'm leaving the vacuum out in the middle of the floor.
There are others but I can't think of them right now. I'm sure there are some you can add. For your H,
Watching the late show = I don't know WTF I'm doing and I don't want to think about it right now, but please don't give up on me yet.
You are the one who knows whether it is better to wait and give him ultimatum. As long as you think you can accept the situation, don't force him out. But if you feel enough is enough, you can take a strong stand. That decision can only be made by you.
Thanks Raindeer....we've seen one another through some tough times the last couple of years.
In4Ride.....Thanks for the laugh:
Quote: Watching the late show = I don't know WTF I'm doing and I don't want to think about it right now, but please don't give up on me yet.
However, I have no doubt that H has given up.
A couple things came to light over the weekend. Friday night I noticed that H had removed a box and a shelving unit from our bedroom. I did ask him about it and he told me he had moved them out to his trailer. The only thing I said to him after that was that if he moved another thing out then I expected him to move it all.....I could not survive this piece-by-piece moving out.
The other issue surfaced on Sunday as H and I were headed to go to church with MIL for her birthday. We had over an hour ride there and H literally snarled at me if I even spoke. About halfway there I finally told him I was tired of the silent-treatment and wanted to know what I did wrong. Apparantly the night before H had given S15 2 options on going with us to church with MIL and I gave son a third option of not going since son had homework and 2 functions he needed to attend. S15 chose to stay home and do homework and attend his events.
Yes, it was MIL's BD, and yes, I am the one who organized it, but never before has H insisted the kids go with us, so I never dreamed he wanted son to go that badly. Of course it is all my fault son didn't go, and none of the blame lies with H since he did not make it clear to son that it was important. (I still don't have a clue why all of a sudden MIL's birthday is a life or death matter.) It was sure a long ride home afterwards.
Then, to top things off, I told H on Sunday that my mom's birthday was in 2 weeks and most of my siblings would be back and we were planning on going to church with her and then out for brunch. H sprung it on me last night that he was leaving on a trip early that Sunday morning and would not me coming. Of course he could not see any reason why I would be even the slightest bit upset that he wouldn't be there.
To tell you the truth, normally I wouldn't be upset, but after the huge issue he made over his mother's BD, it just ticked me off. So, I have already talked to S15 and D22 (who is at college) and they will both go with me. I am sure I will enjoy much more without H there anyhow.
For now, I have given up on this M. I am sick and tired of the control issues, and the put-downs and just the jerk H has become. I am fairly sure that the only reason H is sticking around is to try to sway S15 to thinking he is all of a sudden this wonderful, caring, concerned dad, and to hopefully have S15 chose to live with him. (Guess what, that will NEVER happen!!!).
I truely wish that H had never moved back home last Aug. I was ready for him to be gone and am ready for him to leave now. (at least I think so )
Sorry that things are so difficult for you lately. Time to let go for a while and concentrate on yourself. We all have learned one thing - you could lose your mind trying to figure these guys out.
I did finally reach the point during H's crisis when I decided there was nothing I could do but do for myself and leave H to himself. Either that or go insane. It was all one huge waiting game. Not what you want to hear, I know.
But honestly, I never believed that we could go from the dismal place we were, to where we are now. It's not perfect but it's more than I believed possible.
Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.
I am sorry that you are still in limbo land with your H. I wish he knows what he wants. But soon decision will be made either by him or by you.
When my W finally made decision to leave 2 weeks ago, I asked her why did not she decide earlier. It would save a lot of my heartaches. I have done my best to do DBing. Instead of drawing my W closer, she has desensitized herself and getting more and more distanced from me. I remember in Dec 2002, she felt ashamed about what she did to the kids and me. Now she thought that her so called "love" to the om can justified verything she does.
I just hope her "love" to the om can last forever. Or oneday when she wakes up, she will regret.
Wishing, I think you have a point that H doesn't want to dissapoint your son. I saw my H become a more attentive father when he was contemplating moving on. He also made an effort to reconnect with his kids from his first marriage. Maybe he thinks hanging on until S is 16 is the magic ticket. I think you a fully justified to ask for a choice, but that will put you in the role of the "bad" guy. Most important is that you take care of you, and not let resentment build.
There was one point in time when I thought that there was no way possible for either you or Kelli to pull your M's back from the brink of disaster......but you both have and that really does give me hope.
No matter how bad things have gotten, I have never totally, 100%, given up hope. But it has been almost 3 years and it is getting harder and harder to pull myself back up when H has hurt me yet again.
I am starting a new venture.....doing for me and the kids and letting H alone as much as possible while at the same time still extending common courtesy.
That means no more sharing the day-to-day things that I talk to the kids about, not expecting H to share in any of our activities (he is welcome, but I have stopped going out of my way to include him), making the plans that I want to make without always considering if they ar OK with H, S15 and I now eat when I have supper ready but I no longer ask H if he will be there (if he is OK, if not, OK). I no longer ask H if he has laundry he wants me to do (but I have noticed that when I have my piles on the floor in the laundry room that H's clothes magically appear). I no longer feel that I have to watch the same tv shows as H just so we can be in the same room together, rather, I feel OK with going to another room to watch another show or sew or read or whatever.
I do feel myself hardening my heart for the pain I am sure is right around the corner. It has been 26 years since I have even looked at another man, but I sure wish I had someone waiting around the corner for me. I have never had a problem being happy with who I am but I do enjoy being a part of a couple and that entails.
I am not about to make the final decision any time soon. If one is made I fully intend for H to make it. This has been about H for 4 years now and the choices he has made. Although I am about at the giving up point, I have absolutely no intention of being the one to pull the plug.
Thanks so much for the continued support. Ya know, about a year and a half ago I honestly thought that I was on my way to saving my M, while it seemed that your sitch was way beyond repair. I guess I was fooled.....I am still amazed that you were able to pull your M back together.
I have been thinking about "resentment" lately, and I think I am very guilty of it. I do try to let it go, but once in awhile it just overwhelms me. So, on to the detaching so H doesn't affect me so much.
I am still just dumbfounded by the inconsistencies that H shows. H didn't even say "boo" to me tonight at supper unless I asked him a direct question, yet he helped clean off the table and rinsed and then handed me the dishes to put in the dishwasher. H then headed to the office for a couple of hours. When he came back I was working in the basement and didn't see H. But, he went to the kitchen and made popcorn, filled me a bowl then unloaded the dishwasher. What is so baffling is that until the last few months H had rarely touched a dish let alone rinse them or unload the dishwasher. If he is so ready to split why in the world is he being so nice about some things. (Of course I have been almost religious about constantly doing nice, thoughtful things for H).
I can't see myself coming right out and asking H to make a choice. What I can see is me laying down certain conditions until H feels he is forced to make a decision. I am not sure if that is the right thing to do, but it is the direction things are headed.
I have been very tolerant and have given H plenty of rope to do what he wants, but I am finding that to save my own sanity that I am slowly but surely tightening that rope in the hopes that H will make a decision. It just seems that at this point in time any decision is better than no decision at all.
As I said in my thread, don't give up hope. Kelli and In4Ride showed that miracles do happen.
It is good that you are looking after yourself now. Your 180 is worthwhile to try. It keeps you sane. If your H changes his mind, very good. If not, you have your own life.
I am coping well considering the circumtances. I hope to be happy again in 6 to 12 months time. I am still not too old. Healthy. Have a good job and good earning. I just hope I can find a good lady that I love and also loves me. But the children are my priority at the moment.
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