The things H is doing do not make sense at all to me so I am just taking things one day at a time.
The funny thing is, if anyone was looking in from the outsice they would not have a clue that ANYTHING was wrong with our M right now. H seems very much back to his old self, the tension is gone, the edge in H's voice is gone, and he is just plain and simple a nice guy to be around.
Heck, if it wasn't that we are sleeping in seperate beds, there is no physical contact and the sexual inuendos are missing along with the D papers I have in hand and an appointment with L next week, I wouldn't know that anything was wrong either.
We are having a birthday party for S14 tonight and taking all of his friends to the drive-in for a double feature. It will be a late night but this is a wonderful group of kids. I am courious to see what happens tomorrow with the living arrangements since H only asked to stay through tonight. It would be just fine with me if we kept with the status quo for awhile.
However, I do wonder if I am living in lala land...or am like an ostrich with its head in the sand.
I know what you're feeling - that's why I wondered if I was delusional.
My H behaved similarly. He kept fixing up his apt to the point it started to look like he was searching for more things to fix and change rather than really leave. I think you're H may be stalling and second-guessing himself - a good thing. My H even slipped one time and said 'things are so much better now, I'm not sure I should leave'. But then he went out and bought a sofabed for the apt (which has been empty going on 8 mos now).
Don't worry about fooling yourself right now - you have to live in the moment. Just keep making it easy for your H to stay. Maybe you can even come up with more things he needs to fix - it sounds as if these are the type of things that make him feel good, being needed? Taking care of the 'manly' things? Acts of Service?
Keep it going - the good will between you will feed on itself.
In4Ride.....you are right about H's need to fix things. He doesn't have a problem coming up with projects that HE wants to do. But that is OK...either way I come out a winner because stuff is getting done.
I refinished a princess style chair this summer and was putting it together tonight while H was also in the garage working on the 4x4. Several time H came over and would suggest that I use a different tool and then go get me what he thought I should use. It was kind of cute.
We took several of S14's friends to the drive-in last night for a double feature. The boys had a great time in the back of the pickup or on lawn chairs while H and I were comfortable in the car. It was such an enjoyable evening with H with no tension and a lot of laughter and sharing.
We worked cows today and had a pleasant trip both there and back until we were almost homr and H had to get something out of the glovebox. My heart just sank when a garage door opener fell out.....I assume it is to the garage at his new place. I just picked it up and put it back without saying a word.
H had only asked to stay through last night but is still here. I am just going to go on like I have the last several nights and not even remotely hint at what he is doing. Maybe he forgot he was moving out today??? I know that at times it is hard for me to believe that H actually has another place since we have been getting along so well.....
Looking very good. Keep pretending that you haven't noticed that he was supposed to leave. I think it's huge that he's spending time with you. You know guys - when they don't want to be with someone, they're gone. I hope you remembered to compliment him on how knowledgeable he is about tools and marvel about how much he knows. Don't hesitate to bring it up again and thank him for helping you with the chair over the weekend.
Don't worry about his other place. Our rental apt has been empty for 8 mos now, and H hasn't even been over there to 'clean' in probably 4 mos. Strangely enough H asked this weekend if I had seen the Lazy Boy credit card statement (from his sofa bed purchase) - he was checking if it had been paid off. Well, I didn't bother to mention that I've never seen any of those statements - only the check carbons from his payments. I didn't even bother to ask about the brand new sofa bed sitting there in a newly renovated empty apt.
I just finished reading Dr. Laura's 'Woman Power' this weekend. I would recommend it as a compliment to dbing.
So your new goal is to make H so comfortable and happy with your company that he never wants to leave. You may be tempted, but don't do any 'temp checks'.
How in the heck is one supposed to keep their sanity throughout this whole mess? On one hand, other than no physical touch, I cannot believe their is ANYTHING wrong with my M. Since the night H came back almost 2 weeks ago things between us have been wonderful.
Yet, now I find out that H has opened up a secret checking account and has put several hundred $ in it. (I knew he was hiding money!) It pisses me off because he already had it opened when he asked about us keeping our joint checking account and keeping the money and bills the same as normal. I HATE it when he is so deceitful!!!!!
I also found out why, when H took S14 to Bible camp a couple of weeks ago, that he didn't want me to ride along. The knot-head told our 14 year old son that we would probably be living in separate homes when he came back. Who in their right mind tells a 14 year old then drops them off at camp for a week to stew about it. S14 had no way of calling home or anything. I was absolutely LIVID when I found that out. No wonder S14 was acting strange when I picked him up after camp, and now that he sees H and I getting along so well he is even more confused....especially since not another word of us splitting has been said to him. The poor kid.....
H has given me the $ for a L and I have an appointment tomorrow. I am really not sure what to say. I have the D papers H had drawn up a year ago but does that count as being served?? I think H is very receptive to a separation but I am not sure I want to suggest a legal separation if/when H moves out. That would just make it more difficult to get back together (or easier to D later). However, I feel that to protect my interests I need to have H sign something that he cannot get rid of any of our assets. H is continuing to talk about going into partnership with his B. Right now H owns the whole company and I am afraid H could just give BIL half just to reduce the assets he would have to split.
This is all foreign territory to me. I don't want to rock the boat too much since things seem to be going OK now.
It is no harm to talk to a L and ask for a legal advice. You don't need to act. Just receiving advice.
I went to a L when my W told me she is moving out and planned to live with the om. I have to protect myself and our kids' interest. I am very certain that the om has financial interest in my W's asset, his W told me. The om has much less financial resources than us. He is a typical of a person who just spend money and not bothering about the future, expect government to pay him pension.
My W is similar to your H, had opened few new accounts. Purposely arrange the correspondence address is her office. SO I don't have any clue about her financial situation. Is she planning to live with me until the kids finish school, and safe money on the side as she does not need to pay household expenses? I don't know her real intention.
But in Australia, the assets will be split equally. You can't hide if being ask to declare your assets. Why hiding then?
I know it's very difficult, but try not to get yourself too upset about the bank account. The first thing I did when I thought H was leaving was go to the bank and open up a separate checking account in my name alone, and put my next paycheck in it. It was a security thing for me even though I trust my H completely and he specifically said he was keeping all of our finances as they are. So your H opened an 'secret' account. Was it really a secret or do you think he was probably afraid to bring it up? It has a few hundred $'s in it - sounds like just a little safety net/access to ready cash. My H cashed in a $3K personal investment account a couple of months after the bomb and I saw the check. H didn't tell me that he did it for almost a month, while I totally stressed and came up with all kinds of scenarios in my head. So I'm wondering if it was really deceitful, or just a little hedge against the crisis.
The discussion with son is more difficult to handle, but maybe it was one of those MLC insensitive, don't know how to handle it type of things. S14 must know you're having problems - maybe H truly thought he was doing the right thing by telling S before it happened. Doesn't make him right, but he may have thought he should tell him face to face before he moved out. You know it may be a 'guy' thing.
You may be absolutely right to feel angry, but still take the time to think about how you want to handle it. Your H could just be clueless. This is an opportunity to show him that you can deal without getting crazy. A calm discussion about talking with S together in the future is certainly in order.
Try as hard as you can to keep the good will between you growing.
This has been a very strange week and I am not sure exactly what is happening. Since the D talk almost 3 weeks ago things have been decidedly different.
H,S14 and I left on Thurs. to take D18 to college which is 12 hours away and got home last night. H was very thoughtful, somewhat talkative and just plain a nice guy during the trip, so much like the guy I married.
Although H and I have had separate beds since the D talk, we did share a bed during the trip. I noticed on Thurs. night and Friday night that even though we only had a double bed that H seemed to take his half out of the middle. I also noticed that when we would touch that H would not move away, but almost seemed to enjoy the touching. Even during the day when we were sitting in orientation meetings, if our shoulders or legs would touch that he did not jerk away. At times he seemed to move so I would have to touch him.
Then, Sat.night we had a king bed and H once again took his share out of the middle. I woke up in the night and felt H kind of back into me in the "spooning style". (I could sure feel my love tank filling up!) Then, H started feeling me up. I knew we couldn't finish anything since S14 was in the bed next to us, but H's touch felt wonderful....expecially since it has been over 6 months with not touch at all.
We got home last night and I was not sure what to do about sleeping arrangements. I do NOT want to pressure H at all so didn't bring up where to sleep. So....I slept in one of the kid's rooms. (Since H and then has kind of come home I have let him sleep in our bed while I sleep elsewhere).
I started work (teaching) today and did not see H until after work. I called him on my way home to see if it was OK for me to stop by his office and get the plants for my classroom that I had kept at his office over the summer. H almost sounded tickled to hear from me and that I wanted to come to his office. (I have not been there since the D talk 3 weeks ago....H has been taking care of my plants).
Anyhow, H normally ignores me when I do the watering, but tonight he followed me around and was telling me about how he has watered the plants, and even is using water from the air-conditioner rather than tap water since he figured it was better for the plants. I made sure to tell him he did a good job.
I was originally going to take all of my plants, but I don't need them at school and they do look nice in the office so I left several of them. H seemed pleased with that (it also gives me an excuse to go back sometime )
At one point I had taken some dead leaves off and H held out his hand to take them, and he seemed to purposely to make contact with me. That is so nice!!!
H left on business tonight but I noticed that he came home to pack before he left....and also to tell S14 and I goodbye. (Normally H packs in the morning and leaves right from work.
I sure hope that all of this signals that H is on his way back to our M...but it is also frightning because I don't know exactly what it means. Whatever it is, I like it!!
Just enjoy the current situation. It is good for your R. Let your H comes out from his tunnel by himself.
I really hope that he has thought again and may be regretted about his decision about D few weeks back. My W did want to leave many times but reconsidered again. It is noty easy decision also.
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