Sounds like H’s counsellor is facilitating him looking inward a bit. It will be interesting to see how much of H’s “insights” stick. Actions vs words. (One positive action is H continuing therapy.)
Be kind and cordial, and continue on your path.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I am reminded of several sayings here. Just going from memory...
- You didn't talk your way into this, you won't talk your way out. - It takes consistent actions over time to be believed
There are several good lists in this forum of what it takes for a wayward spouse to return. Actions. Verified by former wayward spouses. I'll try and find them later if you haven't seen them yet.
Here is one:
Originally Posted by sandi2
It's easier, for me, to list some things the WW will need to do in order to reconcile, honestly and completely, with her H. If you see something that needs to be added, feel free. ................. Keep in mind, these things will not all come about at one time. Neither will she be able to know without someone guiding her. It is really important she has help or coaching from an unbiased source who is pro-marriage and is familiar with piecing after an affair.
Thank you for the resource . H has been touching on many of the items on Sandis list . H is still very consistent. I just can’t even organize my thoughts of where a real starting point would be. Anything I throw at him he just does or anticipates and makes sure it’s not an issue . I find the hardest struggle for me is the insanity H went through in order begin to come to this place of change or peace . It was very destructive on me . I’m not the same person and have not been for a very long time now . I got very used to being alone a lot . Doing everything for me and the kids. Struggling to just hold all together for the family unit. H is really trying . I can see it and feel it whether I want to or not . He’s happy home . He can do and say all the right things but I’m never going to look at this man the same . It’s not even the affair . It’s the mental game he played for years on me . The countless times I asked for help . The times I was just being swallowed by quick sand and he got up and left . It turns my stomach to see how content he is home .
Caligirl, I was thinking a couple other things even before your reply...
Like the advice to the LBS -
your changes have to be for YOU, or they are not genuine and will not stick.
This would apply to your H. Are they being made for you? or for HIM and they will stick whether you are there or not?
... and in organizing my dozens of open DB tabs I found a reply and discussion from the perspective of a person who was in the fog. It may lend some perspective.
Originally Posted by Wonka replying to TSquared2
IF she wants back in, these are the questions I want answered:
What has changed that brought about this desire?
In my experience, it was a slow and gradual realization that my chit was mine to own and it was all on me all a long. As I've regaled in my previous threads, I came out of the fog and the picture was almost Claritin clear to me. Same thing occurred to Raine's and rH's husbands when they slowly shifted their feet back into their marital home. This process comes in dribbles. Usually doesn't happen in a fell swoop.
The desire also comes back ever so gradually. This isn't The Notebook movie you're viewing starring you and your W. Sorry to put a damper on this scenario in your head, buddy.
This is the MLCer mind at work. This is something you need to be mindful.
After I posted I realized that my phrasing could be confusing. Revised *** This would apply to your H. Are the changes he is making, being made for you? or is he making them for himself, to be a better man, and they will stick whether you are there or not? *** g
H:54 W:50 D19, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23 DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W moves out 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
Always good to read back on some older threads. Not all stiches are the same but they all have so many of the same qualities to them . I think for myself I made changes a long time ago . Even within the last few years I would say most of my growth happened and stuck . The GAL I enjoy is traveling with my kids and my friends . I did a lot of this alone with them and if I’m being honest the trips I took alone without H were the ones I enjoyed the most. The chaos and tone he would bring was very off putting . I became very independent and just continued on with what I wanted to do and brought me happiness .I can look back and really only see the one thing I would change . I allowed myself to be comfortable and ignore being treating so poorly by my spouse and allowing bread crumbs and cake eating. But I do not know if I would even change that because it also taught me what I want and expect from H now . Reflection is a useful tool for me . I take quite a bit of time throughout my day. I am happy with my life and who I am . I feel like I went on the journey to find out who I am a long time ago . So either I am going to allow H to begin to repair or I am going to just move on alone . But no decision needs to be made today .
I really read over the post of questions that they wanted answered . For me it’s not as many . I did decide to ask H a few :
What are you doing or plan on doing in order for me to begin to trust you again ?
H - this is a tough one . You do not ask to look at my phone . You do not ask where I am . You ask me nothing. You do not want location put on my phone . So I try to give you as much information in small doses as I can . You haven’t even asked me not to see my friends but I’m taking a big step back from that too . I do my best to come home on time . You asked for consistent behavior and I know it will take time . I talk to my counselor about ways to improve myself and gain trust . Sometimes it’s hard because it’s not like you are walking around crying. You are just quiet so I let you be quiet and know I am just home if you need anything .
I did get hit with a return question from H. What makes you think I can’t do this ? My response was simple, maybe a bit defensive but simple . I never said u couldn’t then I asked the next question .
Why do you want to repair this marriage ?
H- I never want to live like that again . It was awful . The guilt ate me alive . You have no idea how much better I feel not living like that or knowing I never what to live like that again . It’s not only for us I am doing this . My children deserve a whole family . They learn from me how an H should treat a W. I’m embarrassed of what I have taught them . I also want to teach them you learn from your mistakes and show you are apologetic by new behavior.
Now he’s either got a really good counselor, been given some very powerful drugs or just full of it until I trust him again .
