Just about done

[DnJ]

Good Morning Catman

It really hit me like a ton of bricks

(((Hug)))

There are a significant moments like that during the process. Moments of stark emotional realization and clarity.

Intellectually one knows, yet it takes some time to emotionally understand it. The process of grief. Some of one’s journey is still shrouded in denial, other parts in anger or bargaining, yet for other bits one is lost in depression.

Acceptance being the most difficult part of this process

Eventually, bit by bit, the various facets traverse through the stages of grief and become accepted. Finding acceptance is quite difficult, yet in and of itself acceptance is, next to denial, the easiest stage. Most of my efforts and struggles were in the depression stage.

Bargaining was a weird stage. Hanging on to the last thread of the old normal. When that thread is cut, when one realizes that, has that moment of emotional clarity, feels it, well the letting go of the old usually is the herald of the depression stage. Those moments hit like a ton of bricks.

By the way, the stages of grief are not linear. One usually, overall, processes the stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - in order. However, we exist in all stages simultaneously. Different facets of our situation in different stages based upon our emotions of that particular facet. Therefore, depending on what facet bubbles to the surface, we move from one stage to another, and back again. Eventually, all facets do become accepted, and we exit grief.

hopes that might have been present before have suddenly vanish and an overwhelming sadness has taken over.

(((Hug)))

Another hug for you. Been there man.

Letting go the old normal and entering more of depression. Perfect healthy progress. Don’t rush it. Listen to what your grief is teaching you. Time is your companion, not an adversary on this journey. Grow and become.

Stay strong man.

D

[grok]

Sorry for repetitive posts, just trying to get out all the inner turmoil.

We all need a place. Here people understand from personal experience. Journaling or to yourself isn't enough. Who in our close circles could we lay all this on?

So today we had a long 1.5 hr mediator session putting together all of our financial disclosures. It's pretty much wrapped up with just pension valuations to come in then we can finally get a concrete agreement to send to lawyers.

After each mediator session, I felt like throwing up. Each concrete step she drove toward finalizing is crushing. Oh, I can remain calm, cool, and collected during. We both have the ability to do what needs to be done in a crisis and feel later. Both by nature and military officer training and experience. After each I needed several days to regain equilibrium.

It really hit me like a ton of bricks
Nothing pulls at your heart more than knowing almost a quarter of a century of your life with someone is coming to an end. Acceptance being the most difficult part of this process, but also an understanding that I cannot put myself through any more pain, any hopes that might have been present before have suddenly vanish and an overwhelming sadness has taken over. It's even hard for me to type this out and express my feelings in words.

There aren't really words. Just questions that won't really be answered. This makes it hard to accept. We like answered questions. Why do so many decide to toss 20+ years of foundation? Why do they not see repairing and building on that foundation is the right and good option? Do they not see the grass is not greener? As a Marine friend put it to me, "G, whenever I have trouble with my wife, I see it is a "choose your hard" ." He saw his parents go through 3 and 4 marriages which did not make them happier. And if you are a Christian like me and my WW, how is this OK when marriage is a covenant of God's? I have difficulty letting go of these questions. Even though I know the questions don't make any difference in what I need to do. These questions are all about the other person. Who am I and what do I want, sans W, is the focus now. The other questions are pain so draw me in, but I think cheeseless tunnels.

g

[Catman19]

Thanks grok and dnj, yeah I'm grounded on Christian values as well and sometimes I question God's plan for me but also realize that he closes and opens doors for us. My vows and my morals were and remain my guiding principles in my life. As regard to mediation process, I have been the one driving the bus along with every other aspect like selling the home. I am doing this not because I want to but because I know I need to, I've exhausted all of my efforts on trying to fix things and I see her continuing to cope with her inner trauma by going deeper into the darkness, looking for solutions in external sources rather than searching deep inside. She has tried to delay anything she could as of late but I am no longer allowing her to dictate a path for me which is a path I have to pave on my own.
When this all ends I will no longer communicate with her, for my own wellbeing and to allow her to finally see the consequences of her decisions and to realize the grass isn't greener. I'd think by now being on the 4th man that I know of in 2 years would have taught her this lesson but apparently she has avoided going to school.

I know ultimately I will be fine as I have mentally prepared my future path out in detail now I just need the cards to fall into place. I suspect her new guy everything is fresh and fun and I'm just the dude who takes care of the hard things be it financial, or legal. I am leaning more in the direction of exiting country and starting completely from scratch and I think I need to return to my roots to find myself fully again. From where we come sometimes we must return

[MrP]

Hi C. I've been following your situation and just now have some time to chime in. I admire the stamina it takes to be at the point in the process you're at (and I may soon be). Thanks for continuing to share as you go along. Thinking about the growing count of affair partners - ugh. As I just said in another post, my observation is that most affairs carry their own "punishment" for one or both people: guilt, shame, embarrassment, and more. I hope you can shift your perspective away from thoughts of her actions with other partners. Keep up the good work towards your other goals. I'm looking forward to reading along as you move forward and achieve as many as possible. Let us know how we can help from afar. Best, MrP

[Catman19]

Thank you Mr. P. Yeah the journey sometimes although we think it's coming to an end is just sometimes the first chapter in the 2nd book that is our new life

[Catman19]

Yeah so I just saw some communication from her OM 3 and she basically cheated on him with OM 4. SHe basically Ddid exactly to him what she did to me, unable to be loyal to anyone. Funny thing is he acknowledged that finding and being with her was his karma for going after a married woman.
Yeah this behaviour of monkey branching is definitely narcissistic personality disorder. She's treating people like disposable objects for her own gratification and love bombing her new targets with promises of grandiose futures.
I'm glad I have distanced myself as much as possible outside of business only
This is a completely broken person

[Catman19]

Just a little update from my situation. The house is still for sale and the market hasn't been ideal to sell, I'm not ready to sell the home while leaving too much money on the table while simultaneously I mentally feel I need to sell it quickly to move on even though I'm still battling my thoughts and feelings. I have not texted or called her in 1 week and a half, I don't even check the chat log so she doesn't see if I even have looked. I feel I must do this to start getting used to what life will be like. I noticed in her social media now she has deleted all photos of me, which is fine and expected. My takeaway is that she is likely deep into OM4 relationship seriousness and is blocking out everything. This Easter weekend has been difficult for me as I spent last years Easter the whole weekend with her when we were trying to see if we could make things work, we were still living separate at the time. I've used the whole weekend to continue my alternating gym day/yoga day routine and continue on my no processed food, no unhealthy food, lots of water, lots of fruit, vitamins, supplements diet. I have begun seeing noticeable changes in my physical appearance and it has improved my mental state.

When I get negative thoughts and begin feeling emotional I will embrace it, put on sad music but use it to workout and burn off the negative energy to the point of exhaustion. I have started updating my wardrobe as much of my clothes doesn't fit now and I'm converting over to more tight fitting clothing to match my new physique.

I spent Easter Sunday with my brothers family as his son is my godson and as is tradition for us we give Easter gifts to our God kids. The STBXW is also the godmother to the boy but I highly doubt she bought anything for him and I didn't ask because I already knew the answer. I called to wish her parents a happy Easter and it seems they spent it alone. It's almost as if she's isolating from everyone who cares about her and focusing on her new enabler friends and new lover and completely ignoring everything and anyone in life. It feels like if I am to complete the separation and home sale it's best to do it while she's in this delusional fantasy state of mind.
I do have a feeling that when inevitably OM 4 doesn't work out and divorce and home are dealt with she will come back with temperature checks and weaseling her way back, for this reason I think it is best that I make the final decision on whether I leave this country permanently and seek a life back to the homeland. This will give me an opportunity to fully move forward and explore a new life while not giving her any opportunity to reach out to me.

As much as my heart is still fighting me I understand that I cannot live in this constant state of limbo between heart and mind. It's an exhausting battle that will serve me no purpose going forward. It feels like I am living in a country that no longer gives me the desire to continue here and despite me doing the GAL more it feels like I am going through the motions and it might be best that I start anew in a new scenery surrounded by family and a strong support system.

People who do not walk in our shoes will truly never understand what it is like. The only place I've been able to find comfort and understanding has been on this forum and it has helped me a great deal. Thank you all and hope your Easter weekend was kind to you

[Catman19]

Just as I finished this message I got 2 phone calls from her. I did not answer them, I feel the minute I do it will bring me back to the emotional fight again. She asked if I was working via text afterwards but I feel although my heart wants to reply as deep down inside I do miss her but I think she just wants something from me. She asked me if I could keep the cats her for this week, likely because she's probably going on another trip with new guy but I will not reply or simply say home is for sale and I cannot have them here. It's also possible she wants to use the cats as an excuse to come over and see me, as all of the other times she has cried to me. This feels highly suspect to me.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Catman

Employe the 24-48 hour rule when conversing with W. Give yourself 24-48 hours before responding to ensure your emotions have settled and you compose and respond from your intellect and reason rather than emotions/heartstrings/anger.

Some times, maybe a lot of times, there is no need for a response. If there are no questions, as in she is just baiting or temp checking, no response required. And you need not respond to all questions either.

As for the cats: Whose are they? Pet’s usually do not have custody arrangements. The pets are split up, or one party relinquishes their claim and allows the animals to remain together. If the cats are W’s, as I suspect they are, let her figure out her problem regarding how to provide care when she wants to go away with OM4. Accountability for her choices. Let her feel it.

Her problems are not your’s to solve.

It is also quite likely she is trying to pull you back in. Just ensuring you are placed upon the shelf.

You are correct, contact with her, especially if such contact runs counter to what she wants or expects it to, will lead to fighting. Remain dim/dark. Utilize 24-48 hours.

If you decide to reply. Be kind and cordial. Not need to toss gas on the fire. Tell (text) her you are busy and cannot take her cats. That’s it. When she bemoans “then what am going to do with them”, leave it alone. By the way, she’s using text, replying with text gives you more time to consider responses when she does a quick about face.

Be the grey rock when dealing with her and her mess. Focus on you and your life.

D

[Catman19]

Thanks dnj, yeah I think she just wanted an excuse to come over or not have to deal with cleaning litter and feeding them so it could free time up for her new dude. I simply replied I cannot have them here as house is still for sale and I can't ensure they don't run our the door Kept it simple. Any other communications I have with her regarding the sale I have asked my real estate agent/neighbour to communicate the plan or any changes directly to her to keep me from having to do so