Yesterday did hit me quite hard though. I had not been expecting that to happen, and while she feels she is being an adult and all grown up, this is really like dealing with a snarky teenager.
I did not sleep well last night but am kind of relieved that all of this cloak and dagger stuff around her parents is over. Was a bit odd today with her going out of her way to do things in the household. Not complaining though.
Attitude - need to be optimistic, get a life. Stay out of any further relationship and separation talk. I did a lot of thinking today and I do not want to ideally spare my children the trauma of a separation. That will not work though unless I get my [censored] together and manage to not be emotionally vulnerable, even in these kinds of situations.
Plan is to keep the sports up, but now see that I get out and meet friends regularly. At the moment it feels like I am somewhat of my own enemy given that I feel like the Duracell bunny, but need to hop over that
Right now you are fighting with her a lot. You'd achieve more right now by setting your focus on being an attractive man with better things to do than argue back and forth over minutia.
It took me many months to get close to this. You may be faster or slower but I promise you that you can decide to be your own motivator or your own detractor.
PMA 24/7. Attitude-thoughts-words-actions: set these in the right direction.
Make a commitment right now to:
1) Never argue with a woman again. Women need the man to be stronger, the leader. Control your emotions. Let them vent theirs. Command respect by setting and enforcing boundaries if needed.
2) Attempt to control her. I do not want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me. I do not share my woman (sexually) with other people.
Add anymore to the list that you want.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So she is now hellbent on separation. Told me today that I always think too much black and white, and that we should be thinking out of the box. I have a suspicion that this means she wants me to suggest that I move out - and maybe her emotional affair or friends get to move in!?
Unfortunately will now need to consult a lawyer. I will not suggest any steps but look at protecting myself and the kids.
I think my confrontation of her on Monday brought this to the fore. Not sure if otherwise we could have coexisted for a while longer given her recent musings about holidays together etc. Now I have become even more of the horrible man she has to get rid of. I do not feel great about where this has gotten to. I could have done better...but now I am where I am and need to accept that things will not be easy for a while.
I have lost the love of my life. I am heartbroken.
Last edited by DnJ; 03/22/2403:04 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
Spent the last couple of days licking my wounds and feeling sorry for myself. Cannot change what happened on Monday - pushed her further away and she is (if possible) even colder. But fundamentally nothing has changed.
She cannot get me out of the house and I am not going to leave my kids. Will check with a lawyer if I have any exposures / risks, but will otherwise return to business as usual. Give her space and focus on myself. Where relevant, enforce boundaries. Establish a routine of going out after work and on week-ends now that the days are lengthening. Try to feel good about life.
Probably in for a bit of a rougher ride in the coming weeks. Easter holidays coming up though which will give me a break with family and friends abroad. Yay
Also will definitely heed your point about not fighting again @ready. Thank you for the thoughts
You are correct. Fundamentally, nothing has changed.
Originally Posted by Lb23
her recent musings about holidays together etc. Now I have become even more of the horrible man she has to get rid of.
She’s all over the place.
You did toss a few truth darts her way (or maybe more than a few) and she did not like it, and she lashed out at you. Realize, she cannot be wrong or accountable. She cannot accept that. She must blame someone else.
She twisted you about with talk of holiday time and then became hellbent on separating. Her path is emotionally driven and consuming. And will zig zag all over the place.
Yes, her current path, trajectory, morals, and such are less than stellar. You cannot control her nor her path. She is on her journey. And you, thankfully, were not invited along.
Calling her parents and such did promote fighting. And fighting begets fighting. You can only control your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
Don’t fret, no one thing you do, or don’t do, will make or break things. Get back up. Dust off. And keep moving forward.
A few positives out of this interaction. More of the situation is out in the open. You demonstrated to W that you are not a doormat. And you realized some more places for self growth.
You’ve seen how clear it is. W is on her path.
Focus back onto you and the kids. Give lots of time and space. Have good strong boundaries. And live and love your life.
Hope you have a great weekend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hey LB. Just checking back in. It looks like it's been a rough period and I'm sorry to see what's been up. As R2C is suggesting (by having you do things like count the number of times you're posts refer to "she"/your W), to me you focus on her is concerning. I'm hopeful you can stay on track to pivot to focus on yourself and your kids and less in reaction to your W, what she does, and what she is saying. GALing, detaching, living "as if"....all these concepts are about working on yourself - not doing things in reaction to her. That is giving away control/power to her.
I don't see outing her to her parents as helpful. Cathartic maybe and, as DnJ says, I guess it is one way to show you're not a doormat. Ultimately, I'd ask if it "helped" you achieve what it seemed like you wanted to achieve....or push the "love of your life" further away. Again, I get it. There are days when I want to unleash what I feel and what I know NOW. My W had an EA with a co-worker. I know it would be super-embarrassing if it were more public. My IC had me confront her and end it or end our marriage. She ended things with him, including sending me an email to confirm that she'd done so (so I've got "proof"). I saved it. Not to "out" her. But, as a reminder to myself she put in print that she'd followed through. By all accounts, she's truly done so. Affairs are often their own punishment for those involved. They feel shame, guilt, embarrassment, know they've broken a social and (for some) a religious norm.
This weekend, I hope you can focus on you and only you. Re-read DB and/or DR, Sandi's rules here in the forum, and other posts. Pick 10 recommendations and follow through on them as hard as you can. Keep doing it until you realize these actions are now habits and keep adding new ones. It will pay off if you stick to it, keep your emotions in check, and work on being unaffected by what W does or doesn't do. As the kids say these days, you do you!
thank you both. I have been reflecting a lot on my actions - they were ultimately emotional, selfish and have more been promoting the contrary to what I am trying to achieve.
I apologised today for my outburst. She accepted this, but later told me she is uneasy around me and would still like to see how we can separate. To me, I realised over the past couple of days (including through counseling) that the most important thing to me is to be with my children every single day.
No more actions that go against that. I love my children more than anything and will be there for them. GAL will require me pushing myself beyond what I am already doing, but that is now the next step.
Hey LB. We've all stumbled, sometimes over and over again. As you are figuring out, all you can do is reset to do better going forward. Also, keep in mind to prioritize YOU and your kids. Doing things for yourself that you find interesting, meaningful, and purposeful is important to your fulfillment. IMHO, that is as important as our kids. It's like that cliche related to what we're told to do in the event of an emergency on a plane: put your mask on first and then help others. Same here.
Why are you apologizing to someone who is having an EA on you (and your kids)?
Why are you engaging her at all?
Give yourself grace because little of this feels intuitive or natural when you are LBS.
When she says she wants to separate -- Yeah W. This situation does not work for me et all, either. I am making plans and moving ahead accordingly.
If she asks what ? I'm checking with a lawyer about my rights and options, I am separating my finances from yours, and I am going to see X, Y and Z for Easter with the kids.
Do not under any circumstances base your actions on her reactions or what you believe will be her reactions to your actions. That is controlling, manipulative, and co-dependent. If she acts cold or angry or whatever at you, so be it. Hear what she says, and validate her feelings. But do not be influenced or subordinate to them.
Don't tip toe or walk on eggshells or worry about the reaction of someone who is trampling all over your marriage by having an affair.
What are you trying to "achieve"? I still keep reading about she and her. Your goal and focus should be to save, protect, and better yourself and your kids from her boundary violations.
Paraphrasing her, what do you want out of your life? To be with someone who does not value you and your efforts for your family?
What would she need to do to in order to have a chance at another relationship with you?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Thank you Bustorama. I have reread some of the guidance on the forum and some of what you guys have contributed on here, and it has taken on a different meaning to when I first read it.
I have been acting out of emotion too much. I thought I had this under better control by now, but I did not. One of the things I struggle with is falling back into despair and complaining, which is not helpful as we all now. I can only control myself, and need to focus on that.
It is an interesting situation to be in, where I have some figuring out to do of what I find important and want out of my life. I have started making some changes in terms of being more active and making sure to spend time at work. Building a social circle is now my next priority.
