Wife in crisis

[Lb23]

I have been struggling yesterday and today. The totally illogical choices that she has made even before she announced the end of our relationship just do not make any sense at all.

She appears to have settled for something she told me fairly early on "why can we not just live together as friends in the house"; "keep the house for the children" etc. She has now moved away from trying to find a job and make any money for the time being. And (while struggling with the "mundanity" of family life and childcare), she does want the kids around.

I am still observing if my going more distant will have any effect. I am staying well clear of speaking about the relationship and not engaging much with her overall (maybe need to work a bit on not being too "distant", hard to get the balance right). I am planning going away with friends over my birthday weekend next month, and trying to fit in little things that I do for myself without the kids.

I am not a a place yet where I can cleanly come to terms with my relationship being over. Separation for us just does not work economically and logistically - shared childcare does not work for me given my job, and she has no income. Her parents would go nuts if they found out and not accept this at all (she has not told them anything, which makes for an odd dynamic with me being there a lot with the kids and not her). At some point, there will need to still be a rational conversation and she will need to make choices. However, when will this point be given the balance with pushing her away?

Secondly, I have been reading more about attraction and there appears to be contradicting guidance. There is the distancing / detachment, and then there is trying to "softly" reconnect by working on communication, doing fun things together etc. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

[Ready2Change]

Secondly, I have been reading more about attraction and there appears to be contradicting guidance. There is the distancing / detachment, and then there is trying to "softly" reconnect by working on communication, doing fun things together etc. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

You are going to test any new behavors and see if it "works". "What Works" has many different defintions.

Go hit the gym 3+ times a week. Control what you eat. Learn behaviors that women in gerneral like. Drop those that they don't. The list goes on and on.


Read the art of seduction. Then keep reading other books. Watch youtube.

[Lb23]

Thank you - I have already been hitting the gym hard for months even before and results are showing. Bought some new clothes and still looking at more. Even got a compliment from one of the female friends of my wife's today while she was there.

I bought the book that you mentioned and am busy reading it. Need to look a bit more into my behaviours around her and look how I start drawing her out from behind her defensive walls.

She remains distant towards me but appears for the time being to no longer question the family unit, which she did before.
- She came out on an outing with me and the kids today
- She is coming with us on Easter holidays to my family (even if she feels uncomfortable as she knows they are aware)
- She looked into family summer holidays on her own after having pushed back 6 weeks ago when I brought it up
- She is making some longer-term around the house and even the family potentially moving

She did speak to me a fair bit today to get my advice regarding a friend whom she is struggling with, and about getting a coach to help her in setting up her own business. She needs money for this and I have been supportive as I do want her to be able to get to an independent position where she can take care of herself. I am a bit confused on the balance between being a friend and establishing some level of consequence for being "sacked".

Booked the trip I mentioned the last time. Looking at spending more time with single friends, and have reached out to a couple of female friends to get perspectives around relationships, behaviours, etc

[MrP]

Hey LB. Good work on the GAL front. Keep building your portfolio of "things to do" and over time it just becomes a natural habit of things you enjoy, that keep your mind busy, and improve your life on a few dimensions.

You talk about "drawing her out from behind her defensive walls" and, from what I've read about your situation, that feels a bit premature to me. We often talk here about first and completely dropping the rope (letting go of trying to control or influence your spouse, the relationship, trying to drive a R). I'd suggest there is some work to be done to focus just on you and your kids. Let W do what she's going to do in response to that. MWD also talks about "acting as if" you're doing fine, moving forward, etc. with your life, irrespective of what W does. This is where (if it is going to happen) W may start to get curious about the "new" person you've become, the self-improvement you're demonstrating, your contentment, and other things that can be seductive.

DnJ gave me some good advice about events like those you describe and hopefully, you're already following it. But if not, be sure that you're just sharing what you and the kids will do and leaving the door open for her to opt in or not. Be unconcerned if she chooses not to join you and, if she does join you, be positive and avoid reading too much into it for now. Just live in the moment and soon perhaps you'll piece together lots of positive moments with any luck.

Lastly, regarding being "friends" or helping financially with getting a coaching business up and running, I often refer to myself as having been "fired" from being a husband as long as the D is pending. I try to avoid doing things that are "benefits" of being a spouse and even one of my friends. I'm treating W more like an acquaintance in general and more concerning things involving our D13. It helps me in most cases maintain a good boundary. If you're still doing things you'd do as a husband or to the same extent, that is like letting a spouse have their cake and eat it too (cake eating).

It can be hard when you feel like your spouse might be making an effort to see if the relationship can be repaired so there are no hard and fast rules here. We LBSs can often want so badly for things to work out, to reconcile, etc. that we're at risk of seeing things too optimistically. I've found this board very helpful in that respect. Otherwise, keep up the good work!

[DnJ]

Good Morning Lb

I have been struggling yesterday and today. The totally illogical choices that she has made even before she announced the end of our relationship just do not make any sense at all.

Her reasons are couched in emotions. So, not so much totally illogical as in not made purposefully illogical, just emotionally based is all. And yes, such a path does not have as a firm grip upon logic and reason and rationale.

I am still observing if my going more distant will have any effect.

Let go the rope, or be dragged. When you are watching for an effect, it shows. W will sense that. And she will perceive pressure. Be the grey rock. Kind, cordial, detached. Focus on you.

I am staying well clear of speaking about the relationship and not engaging much with her overall (maybe need to work a bit on not being too "distant", hard to get the balance right).

Time and space. And lots of it.

The one constant at the moment is that she is done with me and does not want to try to reconnect (she told me over dinner in January that she thought we could try and build a bridge, but was not even sure if we were at the same river; and around 4 weeks back told me that she has no interest in trying to reconnect).

Give her what she wants. As illogical as she/that may be. She needs it. She needs her space and time to sort her stuff out. And she will take it otherwise. Pressure will drive her right out the door. Give time and space. Let her choke on it. Let her own her choices.

I am planning going away with friends over my birthday weekend next month, and trying to fit in little things that I do for myself without the kids.

Good.

Separation for us just does not work economically and logistically - shared childcare does not work for me given my job, and she has no income. Her parents would go nuts if they found out and not accept this at all (she has not told them anything, which makes for an odd dynamic with me being there a lot with the kids and not her).

None of this matters to her. Depression and pain is driving her. Remember, not logical, just emotional.

My XW threw her kids away. She literally stepped over them, Even straight armed blocked them when they tried to get a hug as she was leaving. Economically, logistically, rationally - doesn’t matter one iota to them.

Someone so consumed by “their” pain and torment, has no bandwidth or empathy for anyone else. Your W’s path is diverging, has diverged, from your path. Maybe, in time, your two paths will converge again. The best you can do, walk your path. Be your best self. Live in the light, for you and the kids.

At some point, there will need to still be a rational conversation and she will need to make choices. However, when will this point be given the balance with pushing her away?

Any sort of conversation like that will push her away. No relationship talks. Not for a good long while. Even if she starts it, be super wary and steer clear of engaging too much, or at all. Just acknowledgment and validation of her feelings. If she brings them up.

The point for such rational conversation is a long ways off right now.

Secondly, I have been reading more about attraction and there appears to be contradicting guidance. There is the distancing / detachment, and then there is trying to "softly" reconnect by working on communication, doing fun things together etc. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.

You can attempt anything you like. And if the results are less than positive. If she blows up. Stop! Immediately! And do not attempt that again for a long long while.

You have already attempted several things by this point. Some begging, pleading, trying to reason with her, show her errors, justify why not to do what she is doing, and so on. None of it worked. None of it fixed her or the situation. Because…

You didn’t break her, therefore you cannot fix her.

You can only control you. Keep your side of the street clean. Be kind and cordial. Look after you and the kids. How and what and why you do and live your life matters. And might influence W along her path. The amount and success of such influence is unknowable. Yet, that doesn’t change that you should still do it. For your path is for you.

And it gives you the best chance at reconciling.

Until she feels the loss, until she turns from her path of not wanting to reconnect, your direct efforts just push her faster away. It’s very counterintuitive.

The harder you try to hold on, the more you lose. It’s most surprising what you’ll gain when you let go.

She did speak to me a fair bit today to get my advice regarding a friend whom she is struggling with, and about getting a coach to help her in setting up her own business. She needs money for this and I have been supportive as I do want her to be able to get to an independent position where she can take care of herself. I am a bit confused on the balance between being a friend and establishing some level of consequence for being "sacked".

Be careful.

Acknowledge and validate. Only.

Let her feel her choices.

She fired you from position of husband. She chose to remove you as her emotional support person. Let her feel that.

I get it. I empathize. That feels and sounds mean or cruel. It’s not! It truly is not. She needs to lay in the bed she’s made. She needs to figure herself out.

On that note, it’s not up to you to establish her consequences either. Fate, karma, the universe will look after it. You just live your life. Look after you.

Do not be a doormat. Establish and enforce boundaries for disrespectful behaviour.

You know, and stated/vented about, her illogical choices and behaviours. She’s ping ponging about from one idea/plan to the next, all trying to feel better. Give her a day/week (heck, sometimes even an hour) and she’ll be off to something new. As an example:

- She is making some longer-term around the house and even the family potentially moving

She’s all over the place. Longer-term and considering moving. Seems incongruent.

She looking for her magic bullet or quick fix. Until she looks inward, there will be no forward movement. (Of course, that applies to all of us. )

I’d be cautious investing into any scheme, or setting up a business of her’s right now. Consistent demonstrated behaviour tells the tale. Believe nothing she says, and only half of what she does.

Have a great day.

D

[Ready2Change]

MWD also talks about "acting as if" you're doing fine, moving forward, etc. with your life, irrespective of what W does.

Even a notch up on this might work. Act as if you are happy to finally be free from her. You are excited about not being tied down. You are enjoying your freedom.

[Ready2Change]

Thank you - I have already been hitting the gym hard for months even before and results are showing. Bought some new clothes and still looking at more. Even got a compliment from one of the female friends of my wife's today while she was there.

I bought the book that you mentioned and am busy reading it. Need to look a bit more into my behaviours around her and look how I start drawing her out from behind her defensive walls.

She remains distant towards me but appears for the time being to no longer question the family unit, which she did before.
- She came out on an outing with me and the kids today
- She is coming with us on Easter holidays to my family (even if she feels uncomfortable as she knows they are aware)
- She looked into family summer holidays on her own after having pushed back 6 weeks ago when I brought it up
- She is making some longer-term around the house and even the family potentially moving

She did speak to me a fair bit today to get my advice regarding a friend whom she is struggling with, and about getting a coach to help her in setting up her own business. She needs money for this and I have been supportive as I do want her to be able to get to an independent position where she can take care of herself. I am a bit confused on the balance between being a friend and establishing some level of consequence for being "sacked".

Booked the trip I mentioned the last time. Looking at spending more time with single friends, and have reached out to a couple of female friends to get perspectives around relationships, behaviours, etc

Count how many times you used the word "she".

Your goal should be zero. Lot more of I and Me and "the kids".

[Ready2Change]

I am a bit confused on the balance between being a friend and establishing some level of consequence for being "sacked".

There is a difference between being friends and being polite (friendly?).

Do you want her to be your friend or your lover? Most guys do not interact with woman the right way to create sexual tension.

Casey Zander is a good youtuber to check out. LFA is another.

[Lb23]

Today changed completely again. Some of the earlier posters here were unfortunately right. I had had a feeling for a bit that there was something going on and confronted her with it. No physical affair but there was/is an emotional one going on.

This is one of my red lines and I told her that I am not going to live together while she is having affairs. She told me she never has and has no intent while we are still in the same place, but emphasised that afterwards this would definitely be the case. She also sees that I am struggling (not because of our marriage but more generally because it is hard balancing everything) and she would work with me to find a financial settlement. Prior to telling her family, which is a major concern for her given that they are not accepting of this. I do believe there is no PA but the EA is likely further than she lets on - I put down that I will share with her family. She got pretty upset, accusing me of being threatening while being pretty threatening herself. I am not sure if this is deliberate as she feels that she can push me. There is probably some of that.

The one mistake I made is sounding her out if we could occasionally have sex while still living together and her setting herself up professionally. Bad on me, I should have known better. I am pretty upset with myself on this.

Later in the afternoon she became pretty aggressive again telling me why we had not separated yet and she had known we should have done so a while ago (all while not being able to do anything really today). This time I did call her out and called her parents to inform them despite her threats to blow things up even more. She did not expect this to happen and I suspect thought she could keep me from it.

Not sure where this will go. I am struggling balancing everything at the moment and today she just overstepped. There need to be some consequences now and I am not just going to be the nice husband whom she can run over. I will now distance myself from all of this. As you guys set out, focus on me and the kids.

[ovrrnbw]

Right now you are fighting with her a lot. You'd achieve more right now by setting your focus on being an attractive man with better things to do than argue back and forth over minutia.

It took me many months to get close to this. You may be faster or slower but I promise you that you can decide to be your own motivator or your own detractor.

PMA 24/7. Attitude-thoughts-words-actions: set these in the right direction.

What are YOU going to change?