So I'm getting a little frustrated. Our mediator gave us a set of dates for 2hr mediation session to go through financial disclosures and begin drafting up an agreement, I asked her what time was best for her and I agreed on a time. I sent to mediator this request and she has not replied to mediator who asked her if that time works for her. Our house is to be listed for sale this Monday, she offered to help me clean up and prepare the home for sale, now she is ignoring my requests for this, I'm fine with this as I'll just end up doing it all myself as I expected. It feels again much like for the last many months that she isn't taking this seriously. I have my lawyer also on retainer, but I have wanted to avoid using her as I can't be blowing my brains out on the 500/hr legal fees to put pressure on her to get things done. Based on her messages to new dude, she's already talking to him about growing old with him and spending the rest of their lives together, she literally just met him I sense she's in the cloud in the sky distraction mode again, as this is OM number 4 and her cycles of infatuation are going at a more accelerated pace now. Every time she goes through these phases nothing else in the world matters. I'd really like to avoid using my lawyer as I'll need her for rubber stamping the separation agreement stuff after mediation but I'm sensing I will have no choice as nothing is happening and she's just ignoring everything hoping the status quo continues.
On GAL front I've never felt better and I want to continue my new habits and new focus but I want to do it as far away from her train wreck as possible. I know I'm supposed to distance myself from her but this can be difficult when having to deal with a home sale and mediation where I need 100% cooperation and consent/signatures on her part. For me I feel the clock is ticking and I'm approaching 42, all of this started when I was 39 or so and it feels like she's holding me up from moving on and having a normal life. I don't believe in dating while separated and still legally married and I don't want to have any physical/legal attachments to her but I feel like she's doing the best she can to avoid dealing with things and keeping me around as her fall back while she tries man after man to see if she will find someone to replace me with. I do not want to feel like an object and although I've had hope up until recently although slim as it may be, I do not think I can see myself with her even if she changes her ways. She has done absolutely nothing to change herself or look inwards, in fact I think keeping me around gives her someone to blame for anything that goes wrong. Without seeing progress from her part I feel I do not need this anchor keeping the ship that is my life from sailing to sunny shores.
You are in control of your life and your choices. Do all that you can, know that you did all you could. Only you know when you reach that point.
Originally Posted by Catman19
Yeah so just found out through her login info she's already sleeping the next guy. Yeah time for scorched earth, I want to distance myself from this absolute train wreck now.
Yes, W is a train wreck. She on to OM number four. It’s obviously she is deeply hurt and desperately trying to fill that void inside her. And desperate people, do desperate things. She’s a lost soul.
However, time for scorched earth?!?
Within the wreckage lay the seeds to your future as well. How you act and behave matters. Burning it all down will affect you, just as will being kind and cordial and lovingly let go. Nurturing those seeds, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, is better than more destruction.
You are on two paths. One an emotional journey. Becoming healing, whole, and happy. The other is the business of separating and/or divorce. Treat the latter as a business deal gone sideways, for that is what it is.
While dealing with the business side, stay businesslike. Remove your emotions from the business decisions and actions you must take. Scorching the earth is not necessary to achieve separation. In fact, such a course would likely harm and impede things. And like I said, it will affect your emotional path. Harming and impeding your growth, healing, and happiness too.
So, less than the best course on both fronts.
I say fronts, for this is a battle. A war inside you. Find and make peace with the hand you’ve been dealt. Make going forward decisions based not upon emotions, for decisions based on emotions lead to regrets.
Realize doing nothing is doing something. I understand the feeling of needing to take some action or to be decisive. Yet, such is fleeting. Look to your logic and reason.
Look away from the train wreck. Focus on you and your life.
If you wish to list the house this Monday, then do so. Get it cleaned and list it. It doesn’t matter if W helps clean or not. Treat the task as an emotionless chore to get a martial asset liquidated. Do not paint your emotions upon it. Deal with your feelings, separately.
The idea is to make decisions and plans when you are calm and at peace. Give those plans a while to settle and revisit them a few times. Then, if the reasoning is still sound, implement them.
Interestingly, it’s a similar approach to our emotional path. Answers do present themselves when one is calm. Heat of the moment venting is a good and necessary release, yet seldom brings about the path to take. If anything, utilize your anger and frustration as fuel to self betterment. Sweating it out for example. Running, doing push ups, digging a garden, etc. Exercise and physical exertion is good, and brings about the very calm and clarity for those answers to seep in.
Hope you have a great Friday and weekend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Than you DnJ, very kind words of wisdom. Yeah I think by scorched earth I'm referring to no more allowing her to dictate any terms or impose delays and distractions and me likely having to use lawyer to get things done. I must say I've been going now daily to hot yoga and it is by far the best possible exercise for dealing with this stuff. Between mind and body nothing compares. Yeah I think my overall kindness has given her too much free reign to take advantage of me and I definitely have to go full business approach now
So an update. Although I didn't expect her to come and help clean up and prepare house, she did end up spending 6-7 hours helping me put finishing touches. There were some conversations but she's still defensive and still rewriting our marriage and telling me that I started arguments which is absurd but I don't bother arguing with her gaslighting. She still sounds confused and still puts out forced tears which I tend to no longer give any value to. I hinted that I'm not dumb and know what's going on without telling her how and immediately she asks if I'm talking to OM 3 about it, then she tells me he spoke to me which isn't the case. So basically she continues communicating with OM 3 while pursuing OM 4 lol. I think she likes keeping them all around as a form of a roster, I'm kind of glad I'm not part of this roster and I made it clear I am not lumping myself in with her lovers, BTW she still talks to OM 2 as "just a friend" (they work together). I basically read between the lines and see that this is her new lifestyle, having her male harem of dudes that she can jump from. She tried convincing me to get a place her after we sell but I reiterated I'm leaving and there will be no friendship. I honestly don't want to be associated with those other lovers and she pushes me to have that situation. The more time passes the more I realize I need as much physical and mental distance from her. My dignity comes above all now and I am not in the mood to debase myself for this woman. I honestly think that the only way she'll open her eyes is to lose me for good and for my own sake I think that is best as well. Mediation 2 hr session comes on Thursday and she finally agreed to appointment so that's a positive. One day at a time I guess is my strategy now and continued focus on my health and mental well being. In an odd way I'm kind of glad she came only to remind me of the woman she is now and how little connection I'm having with her as the days go. It's a gentle and subtle reminder for me that I can do better than her and I'm not really losing anything. What once was is no longer there
There's a saying, once a good loving man finally gives up. You've lost him forever, I feel like I'm getting awfully close to this mindset
So she helped me on the weekend and because it delayed listing date by 1 day now I need her to sign an amendment for it and she's not responding to it. She's either too busy love bombing her new supply or is purposely trying to control the situation. Seems like I have to be putting my lawyer to good use from now on for every little detail and purposeful delay
So she finally managed to sign amendment to listing and house is officially for sale. Although it took a little she ended up agreeing. Aside from that had to have a conversation to her about providing financial disclosure documents for our 2hr mediation session tomorrow. Conversation devolved rather quickly into her complaining she hasn't had enough time to get the stuff ready even though she's had almost 2 weeks to prepare them, although I prepared them today myself it didn't take me longer than an hour and a half. She wanted to postpone mediator appointment less than 24 hrs before scheduled time. I started getting upset and told her you have time for everything else but never any of your responsibilities and reminded her the mediator is taking money by the hour from our retainers, I told her and I know I shouldn't have that she has plenty of time for her lovers and she hung up. She then called back and asked me how she can prepare them, I already did her the favor of preparing all financial documents for accounts and debts with our joint names. Judging by how she's always got big time gaps on the messaging app showing she's likely with lover, I'm getting annoyed with her excuses. It really does feel like dealing with an immature child. I have a feeling every step of the way from hereon in is going to be like this. She's so defensive of freshly minted new love interest that nothing else matters. I feel like I have to grab the bull by the horns and take control of the situation. The more interactions like these I have the more I realize I am making the right choices and I have to push on with my clear mind and determination to start my new life.
Side note she mentioned that one of my close friends' wife called her and she asked me if I told my friend anything. She's in super paranoid mode that any mutual friends know what she's up to. I know for certain my friend who I confided in with express promise of keeping it between us wouldn't tell his wife anything. It's amazing how worried she is about her reputation and her image, but doesn't see it as a sign of living an immoral life.
The more I communicate with her the more l think she has narcissistic personality disorder Mirroring love interests character and likes Love bombing with promises and future faking Hooking them in with intimacy Then commencing manipulation Being up and down emotionally to demoralize her target Keeping lovers around for supply of affection and attention Protecting false image of self at all cost Showing fake empathy to me, to make me feel sorry for her Blame shifting and gaslighting me still after all this time
She's repeating the pattern with her lovers similarly to last year or 2 with me, now it seems she's doing it at an accelerated rate or in desperation to make sure she secures a good supply for when I'm gone
Some of this behaviour is similar to drug addicts, rationality out the door in search of the high, followed by periods of withdrawal when supply doesn't pan out as expected.
I seriously think the modern woman is incapable of self reflection, accountability and self improvement. They have been taught they can assume the characteristics of men of old but only mimic the bad behaviors but shirk accountability and taking ownership of their own mistakes. Her ignoring good friends and gravitating to enablers and validating friends shows me she's only doubling down.
I think I'm at the point mentally where I think if the opportunity arises and I can start a friendship with the right woman I feel ready for this, every day that passes just reinforces that she's looking for bits and pieces of things she had with me but I have the whole package and I'm sure someone will appreciate that.
Remember guys men like us are rare, bad boys and short flings are easy to find for women and serve as coping mechanisms but a value oriented family man with strong beliefs and moral compass are rare and we are worth more than to be manipulated and treated like objects.
Good luck to everyone else going through this. It does get better, for every door that closes a new one opens
Last edited by Catman19; 03/21/2403:39 AM. Reason: Grammar
I’m glad she signed the amendment. Crisis folks have the attention span of a gnat. They’ll miss and flake out on appointments, birthdays, and all kinds of special and important events.
Keep your expectations dialled to zero - that includes both positive and negative expectations - and keep moving forward while just dealing with whatever occurs.
While she’s involved in an affair(s), your best course is the last resort technique. Lots of time and space. Completely pulling back. Just focus on you and your path/life. Maybe she notices, maybe she feels the loss, hits rock bottom, and decides to sincerely change; or maybe not. However, you will heal and be ok.
Everyone requires a certain level of understanding and rationalizing before they can/will let go. It’s perfectly normal. And it’s also quite normal and common to get attracted/addicted to the drama. To utilize that drama, the hot mess, to justify our path. Start to shift away from that. Justify your life and decisions based upon you, not with what’s going on around you.
That shift will likely not alter your current course too much. However, it will alter the unpinning of why. Shifts the rationalizing from why/what she’s doing to why/what you’re doing. And that fosters letting go/dropping the rope. As well as sincere permanent wanted changes of self.
Originally Posted by Catman19
The more I communicate with her the more l think she has narcissistic personality disorder Mirroring love interests character and likes Love bombing with promises and future faking Hooking them in with intimacy Then commencing manipulation Being up and down emotionally to demoralize her target Keeping lovers around for supply of affection and attention Protecting false image of self at all cost Showing fake empathy to me, to make me feel sorry for her Blame shifting and gaslighting me still after all this time
Yep. I agree. And likely some of these are more temporary or responsive in nature, rather than a permanent manifestation of new behaviour.
Now, how about you. Dig into you and your underpinnings and beliefs. Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. Discard or alter that which does not serve. Know thy self.
Live and move forward based more upon your values and convictions and less because of what she’s doing/done. (Like I said, it a perspective thing and will pay handsomely in future dividends.)
Originally Posted by Catman2
Some of this behaviour is similar to drug addicts, rationality out the door in search of the high, followed by periods of withdrawal when supply doesn't pan out as expected.
Absolutely.
We LBS also experience withdrawal. It’s such a painful experience. With the loss of such romantic love one’s brain screams for that chemical release that once flowed so freely. Such withdrawal is likened to a heroin addiction.
Snooping, phone logs, old pictures, social media, texting, phone calls, finding reasons to interact, and on and on, all efforts to try to find our next fix to prevent our heartache and pain. Withdrawal is one of the worse experiences in life. Totally understandable why/how we don’t/won’t normally embrace it “cold turkey”.
Keep working/walking through the anger and grief. Use that gift of time well.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you dnj, your words of wisdom are always spot on and much appreciated. I must admit this board has been a godsend for me, seeing other people go through the same trials and tribulations and putting the bigger perspective into the forefront. Almost as good as therapy. Yeah I'm starting to detach emotionally and I really don't care much about what she does anymore, I just need some cooperation for the legal and logistical stuff I'll have to deal with soon
Sorry for repetitive posts, just trying to get out all the inner turmoil. So today we had a long 1.5 hr mediator session putting together all of our financial disclosures. It's pretty much wrapped up with just pension valuations to come in then we can finally get a concrete agreement to send to lawyers. I drove to her apartment to get her to sign her part of pension valuation forms and I told her to bring my favorite kitty downstairs. The poor little guy was comfortable in my arms but he was shaking uncontrollably, likely a little cold but perhaps some sort of intuition. These creatures have a weird sixth sense. We sat down at a table in lobby and signed each other's forms, these being all that remains to get agreement together. Spousal support was an option for me to receive but I opted out. She asked me when signing papers if I wanted that but I said money doesn't matter to me and that I would trade all of it just to be happy. It was a bittersweet moment and potentially one of the last times we meet in person. The interactions were cordial and even gentle laughter like the good old times. I came home and real estate agent who is also my next door neighbor told me to expect offers on our house likely next week and we should have it sold by end of month.
It really hit me like a ton of bricks Nothing pulls at your heart more than knowing almost a quarter of a century of your life with someone is coming to an end. Acceptance being the most difficult part of this process, but also an understanding that I cannot put myself through any more pain, any hopes that might have been present before have suddenly vanish and an overwhelming sadness has taken over. It's even hard for me to type this out and express my feelings in words.
Thank you all for your kind words and giving me a platform to express that which sometimes we feel obliged to keep inside.
