Just about done

[Catman19]

Thank you DnJ, such an eloquent post and hit straight at the heart. I am sorry for what you went through, none of us deserve to be in this place but yet here we are trying to play the card game of life with the cards we are dealt.

The mixed up hurt crisis person equates sex with happiness. Realize they have no joy in their now tormented life, and they are desperate to find it. And desperate people do desperate things.

Yeah it was one one night stand followed by a long term physical affair with a man who was clearly using her for her body, and then an EA that became a PA as well and a full relationship while bouncing back and forth with me. It feels like a rebellious teenager acting out and trying to have one last hurrah and reliving lost youth, filling a self esteem deficit with superficial attention.

Affairs are staggeringly common. The affair partner means nothing. They are a band-aid, a symptom of a deep problem within. The AP is being used, and is using the spouse. Two broken people trying to find something.

Initially I thought what does he see in this guy but then realized it could be anyone, anyone who would tell her whatever she wanted to hear to fill her need for validating words and encouraging whatever it is she was saying or feeling, I realized I could never compete with this, no matter how hard I tried I had to be absolutely perfect and he was completely flawless in her eyes, despite multiple clear flaws that were visible even to me. It's as almost like she had to convince herself he was the perfect man and creating a false image of him or what she wanted him to be to feed her need

My XW days after BD was so happy and assured of her choice. A few days after BD, in a so very smug and absolutely confident manner, she told me that for months before BD she cried all the time I was at work and the kids were at school. She said she didn’t know what was going on. That she thought she was going crazy.

So many similarities, the same time period leading up to BD, endless fights literally about nothing, aggressive behaviour, then next day acted as if nothing happened, meanwhile I was completely broken down by the abuse, I even questioned her once if she had BPD, I even sometimes think she has some sort of NPD, maybe not fully but somewhere high on the spectrum. The more she asked of me to do for her the more I did and the more she wasn't satisfied, it was endless shifting of goalposts and brought me extreme exhaustion and demoralized me to no end. Later after BD she even repeated multiple times to me "I don't know what's wrong with me" . But she never tried to deal with outside of IC, and tbh the IC was our MC and she was terrible, almost like an enabler and master rugsweeper, focused on building our relationship without addressing the damage or the elephant in the room.

W needs to feel the loss of you and the relationship. To come to the point where she realizes that “hmmm, Catman hasn’t been bothering me for quite a while and I’m still unhappy”. Then with some good fortune W might realize that “maybe Catman is not the cause of my unhappiness”. And with even more good fortune, W might look inward and start to do her much needed inner work. Or she’ll move on to OM4,5,6.

I sense this might not end well for her but I can see her blowing all her money and continuously looking got answers in OM instead of looking inward. W will definitely feel my loss as I'm making a permanent move overseas and I will be gone like a ghost, not even a shadow will be left behind, I've held on for too long at the expense of my mental health and prolonging of decisiveness of my future

[Ready2Change]

Hi Catman,

I just read your thread. I think you are doing well, and good job not drinking.

This is a great place for support. I was around your age when my sitch went down. That was about 15 years ago. It triggered my continuous focus on my personal growth.

My 2 cents:

1) Everything that works is counter intuitive. Everyone has a difference definition of "What works". Saving yourself, saving the marriage, making positive changes to your behavior....

2) Focus on your personal growth. I was enhailing 2-3 books a week. Always making positive change to my behavior.

3) Learn about and understand the differences between seduction and attraction. Make positve changes to the way you interact with all women (as well as men), and especially your W. Again, this is counter intuitve because we have lots of subconsious behaviors that may not be the best way to be.

4) Read the quotes threads I have created. Lots of collective wisdom.

[Catman19]

Thank you R2C

Yeah I'm currently reading not just friends by Shirley glass, more to understand how affairs come to be through innocent friendships that quickly become more than just that. It's pretty how much everything started. Getting Michele's books and will work on those as well.

Yeah I understand a lot about who I am. We met when we were 18 so it was my first real relationship, I was never much of a sweet talker and would be considered the typical nice guy, somewhat shy as I have been all my life.
I guess I wasn't enough of a sweet talking player as I always tried to be authentic and always showed affection through my actions and words. She turned to 3 different guys that we are all Latino sweet talkers, she's obsessed with the culture because of their tendency to go after women, I know a few Latinos in their culture its a type of machismo but they are all fake and know how to play women to get what they want. Many if not most of them are cheaters and think nothing of it, but don't have any depth whatsoever

She has low self esteem so they know how to feed her ego. I'm old school and traditional, have strong faith and strong family values. I guess this was not attractive to her as she said I was traditional like her parents in a derogatory fashion. Even though her parents have been together for almost 50 years and have cared for each other through serious illnesses. I took pride in havjng those values because they stand the test of time.

I can go back and forth between having confidence and not depending how my life is going, although that's taken a massive hit lately. I guess I have to relearn all over how to attract women, even though my core values I definitely will not compromise because it makes me who I am and I am not actively seeking any relationship nor will I force it. I know my worth and living in a man's world I know there's very few who think the way I do and who don't sway my moral compass depending on where the wind blows.

[Catman19]

So an update, she has agreed to initial intake consultation with mediator in 2 weeks time. Today she also sent me a text message saying she doesn't understand the investment stuff
She received regular letters for annual general meetings for companies and voting instructions for some board of directors and such, all from investments I made in her retirement plans from before. Normally I would do all of this stuff but I just told her to read the letters to understand. All of the letters are useless and no action has to be taken, but since one of the many things I used to do now is her responsibility I am not telling her anything, I am also not doing her taxes this year for the first time since married, it's her problem
If I wasn't required in the marriage I'm not required to do things she's now responsible for.

She's also going to have to provide all investment account details to mediator, again something she's no clue how to do but I have little sympathy

Home sale still approaches in 2.5 weeks so hopefully things continue on this path

I'm still emotionally struggling but am soldiering on, I still love her but I will no longer show her in any way nor do her any favors. I bought myself a package at a local yoga studio and booked my first lesson tomorrow. It's a great place to meet people but I'm going with intent on working on relaxation and mindfulness/breathing . Any interactions are a bonus
I will return to the gym and start my old routine, I'm fairly lean to begin with but will start working on getting muscular definition and building some muscle with my mostly protein heavy diet.

[Ready2Change]

I was never much of a sweet talker and would be considered the typical nice guy, somewhat shy as I have been all my life.....I have to relearn all over how to attract women, even though my core values I definitely will not compromise because it makes me who I am...and I don't sway my moral compass depending on where the wind blows.

Good. Solidify your core values during this. You can learn/practice new ways of interacting without compromising your boundaries. Most of us here increased our distance from other women while we were married (protecting the relationship). From my research, I believe this decreased our SMV ect.

Glass was a good read. Check our the art of seduction. What I learned in that book helps give my lady what she needs in the R.

[Catman19]

Thanks R2C, I will definitely look into that book, I'm taking myself a little out of my comfort zone and trying yoga tomorrow, mostly for my mental health but as it's female dominated activity it might make it easier to reinvigorate myself with the opposite sex. Definitely not looking or forcing anything until I find myself but for me it's a baby step

[Catman19]

So WW texted me that when all is said and done we can still remain friends lmfao
Yeah I replied, I'm not your gay friend to talk about the guy you banged while married to me
Then block, yeah getting tired of dealing with a delusional teenage like brain

[Catman19]

So yesterday I text the WW to tell her her tax forms are at home, she immediately replies by questioning why I have a charge on my credit card for yoga studio. I had forgotten she was still a secondary card holder on my credit card so she could see my purchases. I told her it was a gift card because she doesn't need to know what I'm doing.

Right away the texts start coming one after the other:
Is it for your girlfriend
I'm happy you found someone
I'm glad you moved on
I hope you have a family and are happy

All clearly sarcastic replies
She even made the leap to say I bought a fruit edible arrangement, I had made a purchase from a company called fruits and associates which has nothing to do with fruits

I find it mind-boggling that someone who's been with her AP for now over a year have the audacity to even show even a hint of jealousy at me potentially talking to someone
At this point this has to be a psychological issue. I've read on these forums this similar type of thing happening to others

Like we are seeing a mediator in a week to start the legal separation and home is going on sale a week later, yet she's still trying to hold on to me as some sort of possession. Like reality is hitting her in the face and she still doesn't get it. I don't know how you guys deal with this over a longer period of time than I have

[DnJ]

Good Morning Catman

So WW texted me that when all is said and done we can still remain friends

Yep, a pretty common thing. It’s them trying to assuage their guilt and shame methinks.

My XW had similar lofty crazy ideas of us (her, OM, kids, me) all having drinks and barbecues on the deck once the dust settled. In my case, that sentiment of her’s didn’t last long, everyone - friends and family, were tossed aside as she ran to her shinny new life.

They say all kinds of things. Whatever they feel. Look to the actions.

For the most part: Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do.

Yeah I replied, I'm not your gay friend to talk about the guy you banged while married to me

I’d recommend not poking the bear. You are in the midst of a divorce. No need to antagonize W and have her turn contentious in negotiations.

Also, it has an effect upon you. I get the feeling of such a truth dart. However, feelings are fleeting. Your action(s) will be long lasting. Look deep and be/do better. Be your best self.

Same for the yoga payment on your credit card. You don’t have to answer her.

Step back and give 24-48 hours before answering W. That gives you plenty of time for your feelings to extinguish and for you to decide what, if any, rational thought out response you’d give.

I told her it was a gift card because she doesn't need to know what I'm doing.

Right away the texts start coming one after the other:
Is it for your girlfriend
I'm happy you found someone
I'm glad you moved on
I hope you have a family and are happy

All clearly sarcastic replies

Personally, silence would be better than some “white” lie. Lying, of any color, is a heavy yoke upon you, and a troublesome burden as you struggle to keep it all straight. Besides, now she’s off on some tangent. Yes, sarcastic replies, which is all just more fodder and fuel for the fire. If she doesn’t need to know what you’re doing then just don’t respond. IMHO.

I find it mind-boggling that someone who's been with her AP for now over a year have the audacity to even show even a hint of jealousy at me potentially talking to someone

Yep. What a tormented mind.

Keep moving forward towards whole and healed.

D

[Catman19]

My XW had similar lofty crazy ideas of us (her, OM, kids, me) all having drinks and barbecues on the deck once the dust settled. In my case, that sentiment of her’s didn’t last long, everyone - friends and family, were tossed aside as she ran to her shinny new life.

Yeah I feel like an outsider looking in now and it's amazing the lack of self awareness and entitlement. I don't let it bother me now and getting super healthy has helped dramatically with mental health, probably feeling a lot better then when she was here and we'd have stupid fights over nothing.

Personally, silence would be better than some “white” lie. Lying, of any color, is a heavy yoke upon you, and a troublesome burden as you struggle to keep it all straight. Besides, now she’s off on some tangent. Yes, sarcastic replies, which is all just more fodder and fuel for the fire. If she doesn’t need to know what you’re doing then just don’t respond. IMHO. smile

Yeah I'm keeping communication to a minimum, not antagonizing her as much as I can, I can see her becoming super vindictive and making things difficult. I am not in headspace yet to meet someone new and will likely only consider even minimum contact with someone new after the dust settles. I am big on faith and until it's dissolved I will stay true to myself. I don't want to give her any ammunition saying we're both with other people, I prefer to come out of with head held high. It's better to beat someone with values and morals than it is to be vengeful.