Just checking in. I'm going to read through some of the cases going on here. I hope everyone is getting great advice and feeling the support of this forum. I know this is one of the toughest times of the year in general, at least in the northern hemisphere. So if you're going through a hard time, keep posting, keep listening, and try your best to find things in your daily life that bring you joy. You have to feel the pain for a while, but if you work through it, you will eventually get relief.
Things are mostly going well with me. The negatives were just some rough times over the holidays. And that wasn't anything I didn't expect. This is my 2nd time going through a D with a young kid involved, with similar timing relative to the holidays, so I expected some unpleasant feelings. I survived and am feeling really good to start the new year despite the terrible weather.
I've been going to the gym almost 7 days a week now. (I switched from 4 to 7 days after I saw an interview of a bodybuilder. He said he goes 7 days a week "because he knows it will probably be 6" due to whatever comes up. Cutting a day out of a 7 day workout week isn't nearly as big a deal as cutting a day out of 4 workouts. I have a routine that I really enjoy, and I can even squeeze it in on a lunch during the weeks I have the kids. That's critical since going to the gym before/after work while the kids are with me is very difficult. I can leave D11 alone for something quick like a run to the store to get milk, but I don't really want to leave her home alone with S2 for 1.5 hours while I'm working out and driving to/from the gym.
I've been reading a book recommended by my counselor called The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer. So far it's a basic guide to meditation, but it comes at it from a different angle than I've seen or heard from other sources (which has been primarily youtube videos and meditation apps). I'm not rushing through it. I'm reading one short chapter every few days and dwelling on it. The last one has really hit a note for me. It talked about "opening" and "closing", making yourself available to feeling love, happiness joy. It feels a bit like "if you're feeling down, force a smile on your face and it can pick you up", but more effective for me.
Speaking of counseling, a bit of bad news there. I have one more session with my IC at the end of January, but then I won't be able to see her again. I'm seeing her through my employer's EAP program, but they are cutting off that benefit. You can't book appointments directly with any counselors at this organization as they're exclusively available through EAP contracts with companies. I'll be searching for a new counselor as she has been invaluable to me even after I was able to escape the miserable days of the S.
On the WAW front: No changes. No D filed, no talk of it. We're coparenting well. I saw her apartment for the first time a couple weeks ago. She's been very helpful in getting the S2 schedule aligned with my calendar with D11 so that the kids are with me together. It wasn't perfect over the holidays, and I'll never expect it to be perfect all of the time. But right now we have a nice, easy week-on week-off for the next few months. Summer will be trickier as everyone is booking trips, vacations, etc.
WAW and I have been texting more often about things other than just S2 schedule and need-to-know info. I don't know if she's less afraid that I'm going to hate her or what. I'm not reading into it too much. I'd still love to work on our M but I'm usually not dwelling on it. i'm truly acting as if I'm moving on. I'm enjoying the kids when I have them, and I enjoy the freedom and extra time when I have that. I wish I had a family full time, but if the universe is giving me a week to myself, I'm going to take advantage of it.
I can also feel myself settling into single life. Still a long way to go. But as a reminder, after a couple months ago hurting with W gone, I was suddenly feeling the urge to flirt with girls. For the time being, I've been able to let go of that. Just enjoying the company of whoever I'm with. Kids, friends, family or just myself.
Worst thing in day-to-day life is now my job. Our company is struggling on 10 different fronts. Everyone is stressed. Systems aren't working smoothly. Customers are pissed. And I was burnt out here *before* the separation and *before* all of the ____ hit the fan in our company. I really need to get started with the job hunt process, but it will take me dedicating energy to the whole process. I'm really not wasting too much time these days, so I'll need to cut something out for a while to get that process kick started.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Good evening Card. Good to hear from you. Happy New Year. It sounds like things are going as well for you as possible. Putting some hard effort into the job hunt now sounds like a good plan. I continue to see big tech and financial companies cutting jobs (Citi just cut 20K, Google some more in San Fran, etc.) and I expect more to come.
Glad to hear about your continued focus on yourself. I hear you about the temptation to flirt or read into W's behaviors. It sounds like staying in the moment is working for you. We really can find enough to keep ourselves fulfilled with other family, friends, and ourselves. Also, I hope your search for a new IC works out. They've been so swamped since the pandemic and with people opening up to therapy.
Good luck with the job search too. I hope you find a solid job that you'll enjoy.
Quick update. I’ve decided not to job hunt right now, but rather to turn around my performance at my current job first. It has been terrible, honestly. I’m depleting a bank of 10 years of great work. If I took a new job, I dont want to start somewhere new while I’m scatter brained, strugging to focus, etc. So I’m trying to rededicate in my current role and get back to performing like I have before.
The gym has really been helping me mentally lately. In the fall, it helped with the emotions, burning off excess adrenaline, etc. But now it is approaching a habit. I’m starting to really notice and feel the results. It’s giving me confidence that I can turn things around at work, too, and I’m already hearing compliments there.
Now for some probably not-so-good news. I’m in an internal battle right now. I thought I was settling comfortably into single life. And I still have absolutely no desire for a relationship. But soon after my last post, I connected with a girl that I’ve known for a few years. We were mutual acquaintances, no history, not even friendship. But there has been an obvious spark. Nothing has happened beyond the night we bumped into each other (talking and playing games at a friend’s house), and texting since then. I know it should not progress beyond this, and I should let it die on the vine since I’m not ready to go anywhere with it. But it’s like a drug. The ability to have long chats with someone like this, I’ve been missing it for a long time, long before W left. I thought I was going to cave and invite her over tomorrow to watch tennis late (she’s also a fan, and the Australian Open is on super late/early on the US east coast). Maybe fate intervened; W offered some bonus days with S2 so she could go on a trip, so I get the little guy early. Therefore invitation was sent to the girl. I have my last counseling appt scheduled next week, so I should make it to that without any meet ups. IC has been invaluable and I expect her to steer me in a productive direction.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I’ve decided not to job hunt right now, but rather to turn around my performance at my current job first. It has been terrible, honestly. I’m depleting a bank of 10 years of great work. If I took a new job, I dont want to start somewhere new while I’m scatter brained, struggling to focus, etc. So I’m trying to rededicate in my current role and get back to performing like I have before.
Good for you!
Yes, a decade of employment and investing into a career is a lot to toss aside. Rededicating your efforts into your work performance is excellent both for job (satisfaction and output) and getting back to yourself.
Originally Posted by Card29
Now for some probably not-so-good news. I’m in an internal battle right now. I thought I was settling comfortably into single life. And I still have absolutely no desire for a relationship. But soon after my last post, I connected with a girl that I’ve known for a few years. We were mutual acquaintances, no history, not even friendship. But there has been an obvious spark. Nothing has happened beyond the night we bumped into each other (talking and playing games at a friend’s house), and texting since then. I know it should not progress beyond this, and I should let it die on the vine since I’m not ready to go anywhere with it. But it’s like a drug. The ability to have long chats with someone like this, I’ve been missing it for a long time, long before W left. I thought I was going to cave and invite her over tomorrow to watch tennis late (she’s also a fan, and the Australian Open is on super late/early on the US east coast). Maybe fate intervened; W offered some bonus days with S2 so she could go on a trip, so I get the little guy early. Therefore invitation was sent to the girl. I have my last counseling appt scheduled next week, so I should make it to that without any meet ups. IC has been invaluable and I expect her to steer me in a productive direction.
You know what I say about “but”. You’re trying to justify that which you know you shouldn’t.
Yes, absolutely. Affection is like a drug. It feels wonderful. So what! Feelings are temporary. Feelings are fleeting.
By the way, the drug is actually dopamine. Your brain is releasing it.
Some wise words, from a wise poster:
Originally Posted by Card29
I dont want to start somewhere new while I’m scatter brained, struggling to focus, etc.
You wisely are getting yourself back on track in the employment department. Do the same here. You have little/no desire for a relationship, and know you should let this die on the vine. But DnJ, I (fill in emotionally based justifications).
Emotional decisions lead to regrets.
Look to logic and reason. And to your beliefs and convictions.
Certainly listen to your feelings. Acknowledge them. Understand what they are telling you. And take this information into account when deciding your path.
Your feelings are in conflict with your thoughts. And you are trying to adjust your thoughts and reason to match your feelings. However, always, even for logic and reason, ensure it follows your deeply held convictions. As in, does this course serve me?
Do you know thy self? Do you know and understand your beliefs, values, convictions? What you hold most dear? What you are not just willing to die for. What you are willing to live for! To stand for!
Scattered brained, struggling to focus. Been there. (((Hugs))) You need to heal you first. Elsewise, you’re dragging a bunch of hurt and baggage along.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ such wise words as always with the dopamine and the scattered brain etc. I am nowhere near ready for any new relationship when I still carry so much hurt so much baggage and still so much love for my dysfunctional H. As nice as the moments of admiration and flirting and sexual contact are, and as much I am craving to be hugged or kissed or touched, I do look upon myself as a 42 year old female and know where my values etc stand and to be honest right now I am in no state to dedicate my heart to anyone her. So me giving it away would really be unfair and me trying to use a bandaid. Now card, I’m not saying the same is happening for you but you really have to go deep within and ensure you are truly ready for that, or if it’s just a superficial bandaid while your wounded heart heals. As a female I would hate to be involved in a partially broken man, so I too feel any man that I get involved in doesn’t deserve a partially broken version of me. They deserve the real me, the amazing me, the healed me because that’s the version that’s going to stick and go a long way. Conversations Are amazing but I am finding them elsewhere rather than in the arms of men. That’s for H to do his superficial affair crap and live with that for the rest of his life. For me I think my heart is one hell of a precious thing and only the best deserve it, So before I give it away I wanna ensure it’s in the best possible state to give it
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
DnJ, genius of you to spot the parallel between my current thoughts with work vs. love. For the last few days, I've stopped texting her. There’s lots of long term reasons not to do anything with her (or anyone else rn). All of the reasons to continue are short term. I knew it was a bad idea and was seeking a bucket of ice water here. Thanks for delivering
Pattnee, I’m sure our situations have differences, but I am the same in that I’m not healed yet. I’ve been struggling to understand exactly where I am, really. This D is much more complicated emotionally for me than the first.
D#1 was 7-8 months of intense pain and loss. I had more and more good days over that period, but mostly it was just misery, hopelessness, even physical pain. Then it was all suddenly gone in an instant. I havent missed W#1 since.
This time, I never had the mega intense loss feelings, not on the level or the first D. Maybe it was because I somewhat anticipated this one, I knew from experience that I would be okay, or some other reason. After the first couple of months, I have mostly felt good, but have days here and there where I struggle. I’m trying to be mindful of what may have been the trigger when those bad days arrive. It was such a clean change the first time, this one feels like I’m stuck in limbo. It’s not simple, linear progress. When I step back and think about how it’s only been 5 months, I know it’s still early. I need to be more conscious in stepping back and observing myself from a 3rd person perspective. When I’m honest here, I get that from you all. So thanks to both of you for commenting
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I did a lot of thinking last night. I think this little "spark" with a girl has helped me realize how I'm not healed from W, not even close. For a while I thought maybe I really had processed it, while in the back of my mind I was wondering if I had just buried the feelings. It's obvious now it was the latter. My days are busy from start to finish, and I've lost the plot with giving myself even that 15 minutes a day to sit and feel the pain if it's there (or walk in the woods and feel the pain, you know what I mean).
The weeks I have the kids, I'm busy from start to finish with work and kids. By the time the D11 is in bed, I don't even want to sit and watch TV, I just want to go to bed, too.
The weeks I don't have the kids, I don't want to be alone in the house, so I'm hanging out with a friend or friends almost every night. I'm also going to the gym 7 days a week. I need to find that minimum 15 minutes a day to just feel whatever is there. On the busy days, I might just need to turn the radio off in the car, or go for a walk at night once the kids are in bed.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Hi Card. You're on the right path realizing how much that structured time for mourning was helpful for you. I can remember not wanting to be alone (in the house, my car, a restaurant, etc.) and felt awful. My IC emphasized the need to "self-soothe" (not rely on others for comfort) and I had to work hard to get better about being solo. It does take conscious, sustained effort. Having made it safely back to enjoying time alone, I can't recommend enough that you put this work in.
Pick things you know you enjoy. For me, it is movies, music, books, and red wine. Or, shooting around a basketball court alone. Whatever you know you enjoy almost every time you do it. Start there and, eventually for me at least, I got comfortable dealing with some amount of anxiety, sadness, and depression on my own. You're not completely giving up your family and friends. For me, I wanted to give them a break from listening to me or propping me up. I hope you can find ways to occupy your mind when all alone.
Thanks for the personal story. I do know I love alone time, always have. Just sometimes lately I don't want to be alone.
My favorite alone time is a solo round of golf on an empty course. 3 hours with no phone, no conversation, just walking, seeing, listening and thinking. Weather has been crap here lately, but hopefully I get some opportunities soon. The key is for the weather to get just good enough for me to enjoy myself, but not so good that the course is packed.
I also like to run, but I usually listen to music so it's not the same meditative state.
A couple years ago, I bought a little scooter/moped (a Honda Ruckus, if you want to see what they look like). I can kill an entire Saturday afternoon just rolling around the city on that thing. Can't wait for the warmer weather to enjoy that again.
I also have enjoyed drawing/art back in the past. I bought some new pens to do some drawings but haven't started that yet.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Hi Card. I've been looking at a set of new clubs because I gave up playing once our daughter was born. Getting out early on a day when few people are likely to be on the course is a great thing. I did keep my driver so that I could at least hit the range once in a while. I have not gone to Top Golf yet and this is also on my list of things to do on my next vacation day (to get some rust out).
Some music can get you to that meditative state, especially with a good pair of over-the-ear, active noise-canceling headphones. I'm getting better at finding instrumental music that isn't solely classical. Some of the compositions of the songs, the inclusion of certain instruments, and lyrics in some cases I didn't "hear" until I chose to focus on listening more closely.
The Ruckus looks like a riot. I can see why you're able to spend a whole day on that thing. Hopefully, the weather will give you a surprise day or two soon.
I enjoy writing (mostly because my artwork was not so good) but did look at giving drawing a second chance. If you're "buying some new pens" than you are clearly heads and tails ahead of me!
