Ive been doing some reading on ww and waw wives and i believe my wife is a waw. I'm confused because i was the communicator in the relationship and i was checking in a lot on how things were going. i even came up with a weekly check in where we would talk to each other about any problems we had with each other. it didnt last long unless i pushed for it again she was bad at communication. so would she be a ww or a waw?
There was a poster here for years named Sandi2 (I shared some of her links on your thread y'day) who wrote about her view on the difference b/w a WW and a WAW. She herself was a WW and her writing is deeply insightful. Essentially a WAW is one whos needs have not been met in the MR and after years of feeling ignored, decides to file D and leave the relationship. Essentially they give up on things ever getting better. Coach and Greek are two old posters who typify this dynamic - Greek (the W) filed D and Coach (H) woke up to his issues and as a result of him focusing on himself and his problems, they saved the MR
A WW is a woman who betrays her spouse in some way (EA, PA, etc) and engages in acts of rebellion, what Sandi called Girls Gone Wild. These behaviors are normally the result of a loss of respect for her husband that grows into deep resentment and finally acting out.
I'll let the vets weigh in but that my two cents. Your wife sounds like a WW, as is mine.
Everyone requires a certain amount of understanding before they can/will let go. Have faith, as you gain more insights you will shift your focus as well.
Focusing on self, oddly, is not as easy/natural as one would think it to be. It takes some practice, and purposeful effort.
Keep moving forward, on all fronts.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Aphexx, you're focusing on her and not yourself. That's what I tried to get you to see in my last response to you.
A watched pot never boils. Until you take your laser focus off of her you'll never have a chance of even considering reconciliation.
Stay busy. Yes I know you are disabled, but busy is as much in mind as in body.
you're absolutely right. its difficult because we are still in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. we haven't told the kids yet until i find a place. unfortunately my latest health decline set that back and i cant afford normal housing. we still have our family and wedding pics up as to not alert the kids.
im failing miserably. my wifes birthday is tomorrow and she is emotional because her brother passed away a few days after her birthday 2 yrs ago and she still struggles with it. i gave her a hug tonight and got her a card and flowers for her birthday trying to cheer her up. i feel like im digging a deeper hole and pushing her away further. I feel like a idiot right now
im failing miserably. my wifes birthday is tomorrow and she is emotional because her brother passed away a few days after her birthday 2 yrs ago and she still struggles with it. i gave her a hug tonight and got her a card and flowers for her birthday trying to cheer her up. i feel like im digging a deeper hole and pushing her away further. I feel like a idiot right now
You're not an idiot. Birthdays, holidays, etc suck. I'm officially divorced, living separately, etc, and XW's birthday is in a few days. Acknowledging it hasn't even crossed my mind until now. But 5% of me wonders if I should get her a simple card or something, as a gift from our son. I won't though.
I gotta ask, why in the hell are you still allowing her to sleep with you in the marital bed? That should be step #1. Since she no longer honors your wedding vows, she has to sleep elsewhere.
Secondly, and maybe I missed it, but why are YOU moving out? DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE! If you do, you can almost certainly forget about getting equal custody.
As others have said, and I"m sure you've read, you cannot 'nice' her back. Even subconsciously, every 'nice' attempt you make is likely driving her farther away and making her lose more respect from you.
Last edited by Terapin; 01/25/2411:38 AM.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Birthday’s, Christmas, Valentines, and so on, stir up lots of emotions. The first year is quite difficult; with each one being a brand new experience.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
got her a card and flowers for her birthday trying to cheer her up.
W’s birthday is tomorrow. Did you give them to her early? If not, do not.
If you are going to recognize her birthday only get a generic card. Nothing mushy or romantic. And no flowers!!
She is going to push back against any relationship pressure. And love and flowers is some big time pressure (as well as seen as begging and pleading).
Take D10 to the store and let her pick out something for Mom (stepmom). No gift from you.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
we haven't told the kids yet until i find a place.
What’s going on aph?
Why are you moving out?
Whose idea is it for you to move out?
I think you and W have no kids, just kids from previous marriages, so no custody issues. However, moving out is usually ill advised.
Do you joint own the house? Or is it her’s? Or do you two rent?
Speak with a lawyer before doing anything major like moving out. Ensure you know your rights, liabilities, and obligations.
The usual advice is for the LBS to remain in the house and the in MBR. The leaving spouse is the one stepping outside of the marriage. They are the one to leave bedroom and/or house, if one has too.
You are on two paths - the emotional healing path, and the business path. Keep them separate.
Regarding the business side. My advice is: If you need financial protection and/or security, then get it. Otherwise, let W do the heavy lifting.
Do speak to a lawyer. And soon. This is only for information gathering. To learn and understand your rights, and know where you legally stand. One’s actions can have legal repercussions. Knowledge is power! And to be forewarned is to be forearmed.
Having a list of questions written down for the L is a good idea, as they seem to vaporize while in such a meeting under these emotional times. Speak with several lawyers and find one you are comfortable with.
Folks do tend to wait too long before seeking legal understanding in my opinion. In your situation, do you have a will? Is W the primary beneficiary? What about your ten year old daughter? Is she provided for? Is there any arrangements for a trust? Who is listed as trustee until she is of age? (By the way, you don’t have to share any answers you don’t wish to. It’s mostly to get you thinking about the vast legal landscape.)
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
im failing miserably. my wifes birthday is tomorrow and she is emotional because her brother passed away a few days after her birthday 2 yrs ago and she still struggles with it. i gave her a hug tonight and got her a card and flowers for her birthday trying to cheer her up. i feel like im digging a deeper hole and pushing her away further. I feel like a idiot right now
You're not an idiot. Birthdays, holidays, etc suck. I'm officially divorced, living separately, etc, and XW's birthday is in a few days. Acknowledging it hasn't even crossed my mind until now. But 5% of me wonders if I should get her a simple card or something, as a gift from our son. I won't though.
I gotta ask, why in the hell are you still allowing her to sleep with you in the marital bed? That should be step #1. Since she no longer honors your wedding vows, she has to sleep elsewhere.
Secondly, and maybe I missed it, but why are YOU moving out? DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE! If you do, you can almost certainly forget about getting equal custody.
As others have said, and I"m sure you've read, you cannot 'nice' her back. Even subconsciously, every 'nice' attempt you make is likely driving her farther away and making her lose more respect from you.
she wont leave the bed as its hers before i moved in. the only other place for me to go to is the couch and my health wont allow that. we rent the house and when i moved in i foolishly didnt add my name on the lease to save money. technically im not supposed to be living there. we dont have children together she has 2 kids and i have 2 kids from different relationships. my daughter comes over every other weekend. we blended very well and are all very close.
