Aphexx sorry you're dealing with all of this. However, I'm afraid you are borderline suicidal. Please please please contact a suicide prevention line if you start having worse feelings along those lines.
You left out some details. This is your second marriage.. How many times has your walk away been married? How did that/those marriages end?
How did you two meet? Please feel in as much detail as you possibly can do we can help and assess.
Please be aware, the likelihood of an affair is really high. The pattern is there. So brace yourself.
yes i have started going to a councilor. my current wife was married once before and she had 2 kids with him and pretty much did the same thing to him that she did to me. the only difference is that she was with him for 12 yrs. i later found out that she wanted a divorce from him after 5 yrs but he got cancer and she didnt want to divorce him during that then his mom died after that so she waited another 2 yrs to say she wanted a divorce he doesnt believe in divorce so she felt like she had to cheat on him to force his hand. that was a flag there because you cant make someone stay married to you. i later found out by accident that she had been cheating on him for half of the marriage.
we met online she had been divorced for 6 months. we had a 10 hr first date and really connected quick. i moved in with her after 4 months we got engaged after 6 months. we had a bit of a dynamic between us im a anxious preoccupied love attachment style while she is a dismissive avoidant or a disorganized attachment in not sure which. she would become very distant and i would chase and then i would get frustrated and back off and she would chase. she tried to break things off 2 months after we got engaged. i talked her out of it and didnt put anymore pressure to get married anymore. she came to me after 2 yrs and told me she was ready to get married. she has clinical depression so she would get in a funk for about 1 month at a time every couple of months. yes the pattern is there and i know shes talking to a guy she met online but they havent gone out yet. she also has been getting backups online in case this guy doesnt work out. she can be very selfish and immature and shes not in reality right now.
Echoing others -- essential that you get immediate support for your self-harm thoughts. Right behind that that you should get more support for your panic attacks and anxiety. I've been there with you. When it seems that you can't possibly bear the suffocating pain anymore. But, I promise you that you can get to the other side. One breath, one step, one moment at a time.
You CAN handle this.
We will walk with you.
And there are a lot of other people who love you counting on you to do so, esp. your lil daughter.
Originally Posted by aphex
i only have my 88yr old mom left who is in bad health and my 10 yr old daughter left. my daughter is from another relationship. my daughter and stepdaughter are super close to me and each other. this is going to crush them.
to make things worse i have been on long term disability and only make 60% of my jobs salary. i feel like i cant afford to live now and i need major back surgery.
Do not try to talk your W out of anything. Agree with her 100% about the divorce.
In fact, take the lead on it. 'You know, W, this isn't working for me. I'm not really feeling it anymore watching crime shows with you. In fact, W, I'd like you to move out sooner than later (of the house or bedroom). This isn't really working for me anymore, and I need my space to work on myself the way you've been acting lately and how things are going. Can you please give me your lawyer's name? I have a lot to think about how I will move forward. And I'd like to share their contact info with my attorney. Thanks, I'd appreciate it."
If you have not already, get an attorney -- at least one that will give you a free consult. I know you have been through this before, but as you know you need to protect yourself, your mom, your daughter and stepdaughter.
You cannot let yourself be emotionally steamrolled by her or the situation. Step forward and take the reigns. Lead your own way forward.
Why are you watching a crime show with her when she is (mis)treating you this way? Do you have a boundary that you don't watch TV with people who are cheating on you and busting up your marriage.
When she says things to you like "Don't kill me because I'm divorcing you", it shows a lack of respect. Don't let yourself be disrespected like that -- telling her it is hurtful just reinforces in her the idea that she can walk all over you and you are weak.
Instead, laugh yourself at her hubris/crazy talk and say, hey this situation isn't working for me either. That SHE needs to go because you're just not into her anymore the way she is acting lately. Don't beg or grovel for anything. It's not attractive when your spouse is cheating on you. It's not acceptable. It doesn't work for YOU. It may seem counterintuitive, but it is essential that you enforce your boundary of not abiding someone cheating on you and uphold your value. You don't deserve to be treated like [censored] with no care for your feelings. You are worth so much more.
So long as she is in an affair or pursuing other relationships --
Agree and even LEAD on the divorce -- (or are you ok being married to someone who is cheating on you?)
work on getting her out of the bedroom or even better house / pursuing separate living arrangements where YOU stay n the marital bed
separate accounts, money, credit cards; cut off her access to anything that is yours
start working hardcore on yourself, in all ways that you can : physically (are you able to do any physical therapy or other chiro/acupuncture/pain management activities indicated for your back)?, emotionally, spiritually, mentally
Try to renew those old friendships and hobbies you left by the wayside when you married,
join meetup activity clubs
arrange fun/special outings with your daughter and stepdaughter
help your daughter and stepdaughter spend time with your mom and learn more about her like when she was younger
How do you spend a typical day or week now, given your disability and living arrangements?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Also, you are probably aware of this, but anxious attachment leaves one vulnerable to being mistreated and putting yourself in a submissive/weak position relative to your partner, which can lead to them taking advantage of you, losing respect and attraction for you, etc.
Examples of anxious attachment behaviors from your words 1. Talking her into not breaking off the engagement 2. Begging her not to cheat on and blindside you 3. Telling her you are shellshocked 4. Telling her it was hurtful of her to say that 5. Saying you don't want the divorce
Women want rocks of men who are strong enough to reject their crap behavior and comfortable by themselves or setting aside partners who mistreat them. Because they are sure of their value.
Not men who beg them not to leave them, who beg them not to cheat on them without giving them a heads up, who emote that they are shellshocked and hurt, and who say they don't want to be divorced.
One of your tasks as you DB is to really dig into this anxious attachment with your counselor and yourself. It likely was exacerbated by your previous relationships (and now this one). And to develop a stronger self of self and healthier way of attaching where you are not as vulnerable to anxious attachment behaviors.
They turn women off and, more importantly, are unhealthy for you. I've been there.
Also, possibly see books like No More Mr Nice Guy Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S. The Way of the Superior Man Boundaries (updated) by John Townsend
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Aphexx sorry you're dealing with all of this. However, I'm afraid you are borderline suicidal. Please please please contact a suicide prevention line if you start having worse feelings along those lines.
You left out some details. This is your second marriage.. How many times has your walk away been married? How did that/those marriages end?
How did you two meet? Please feel in as much detail as you possibly can do we can help and assess.
Please be aware, the likelihood of an affair is really high. The pattern is there. So brace yourself.
yes i have started going to a councilor. my current wife was married once before and she had 2 kids with him and pretty much did the same thing to him that she did to me. the only difference is that she was with him for 12 yrs. i later found out that she wanted a divorce from him after 5 yrs but he got cancer and she didnt want to divorce him during that then his mom died after that so she waited another 2 yrs to say she wanted a divorce he doesnt believe in divorce so she felt like she had to cheat on him to force his hand. that was a flag there because you cant make someone stay married to you. i later found out by accident that she had been cheating on him for half of the marriage.
we met online she had been divorced for 6 months. we had a 10 hr first date and really connected quick. i moved in with her after 4 months we got engaged after 6 months. we had a bit of a dynamic between us im a anxious preoccupied love attachment style while she is a dismissive avoidant or a disorganized attachment in not sure which. she would become very distant and i would chase and then i would get frustrated and back off and she would chase. she tried to break things off 2 months after we got engaged. i talked her out of it and didnt put anymore pressure to get married anymore. she came to me after 2 yrs and told me she was ready to get married. she has clinical depression so she would get in a funk for about 1 month at a time every couple of months. yes the pattern is there and i know shes talking to a guy she met online but they havent gone out yet. she also has been getting backups online in case this guy doesnt work out. she can be very selfish and immature and shes not in reality right now.
Thanks for the additional detail. I was afraid her back story was something like this. Also, her history tells you two things: 1. She may have never really wanted to marry you. 2. She has been contemplating leaving you for a very long time.
Aphexx, I'm also going to say that it's highlyy likely this guy online is further along than you think. And likely there have been others before him. She's very likely addicted to limerance. I've seen this pattern with my wife.
The"funks" you describe are likely the end of an emotional affair. It goes like this:
She meets someone online. It's new, fresh, exciting. She is happy as her limerance addiction is getting a fix. Her endorphins are soaring. You think she's happy with you. Then the emotional affair grows old. Maybe the distance is a blocker (he lives in another state, etc). Maybe the EAP finds someone new, closer etc.. Or maybe the EAP got what he wanted (pictures, video, cybersex) and is on to his next conquest. Or maybe the EAP got caught by his SO, or is afraid he will, or actually grows a conscience (rare). Regardless he pulls away or outright pulls the plug on the EA. She goes into a funk. You think it's her depression. Actually she is mourning the loss of the AP. She comes out of it after a few weeks and goes back on the prowl, and the entire process begins again.
I saw this happen twice in my own marriage. The realization that your wife is mourning the loss of another guy is brutal. But you have to face that reality.
Here's the thing Aphexx. You need to DB your butt off. Don't feel sorry for yourself, you ignored a lot of red flags to get to where you currently are. So you have culpability in this as well. GAL like a madman. Keep reading, learning and improving (good job on the IC, now your first assignment is to learn that you deserve better than all of this), and work on detaching emotionally from her. You have a lot of work to do on that last one considering your comments about not wanting to live. You have a lot to live for (kids!) and she frankly doesn't deserve your anti -Aphexx emotions!
Finally, learn that in order to have a successful lasting marriage, it requires 2 healthy, fully formed individuals. That's your goal, become a healthy (mentally and emotionally) fully formed individual capable of living up to your half of that equation. You have no control over whether she becomes that, but you have to require that of your next relationship partner. Whether that is with her or someone new. Remember, you need to have an expectation that you will not settle for anything less than a healthy, fully formed individual for your next relationship. Not having that requirement will mean you end up right back here sometime in the future. (Remember, your current marriage is over. Even if you end up reconciling with her, it's a brand new relationship where you have boundaries and requirements that you will not compromise on!)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
aphexx, welcome to the boards. Sorry you're here but there are lots of very generous and experienced folks here who will be enormously helpful to you. Please listen carefully to their input.
Originally Posted by bustorama
Women want rocks of men who are strong enough to reject their crap behavior and comfortable by themselves or setting aside partners who mistreat them. Because they are sure of their value.
Not men who beg them not to leave them, who beg them not to cheat on them without giving them a heads up, who emote that they are shellshocked and hurt, and who say they don't want to be divorced.
This is very good advice from bust but it will be very difficult to practice at first. In your fear-driven desperation you will feel compelled to plead and negotiate, looking for any sign that your W is attracted to you or willing to work on the marriage. Ignore the impulse to do these things. Come up with a solid plan: "the next time I feel compelled to talk to my wife about the relationship, I'll go for a walk/do fifty pushups/call a friend" - whatever it is, develop these habits now. I speak from experience: at one time I followed my W around like a puppy dog, wrote her love letters, and planned alone time that she didn't want, all in an effort to bring things back to "normal". All that time she was hiding the fact that she had a PA from me. Your W (and mine) knows you are "desperate" to keep her around. The first 180 you can do for yourself is disengage from her.
Boundaries - not tolerating a woman who wants to walk all over you - are a whole different exercise and take practice. At first your boundaries won't mean anything because your W doesn't value you, so instead I suggest focusing on the harmful things you need to stop doing, as bustorama pointed out.
I know from experience that all of this takes time, so be patient with yourself. And as Steve suggested, get a life! Find time to spend with friends, family, etc. Sometimes that is not an option - many of us were so devoted to our MR that we didn't have much of a life outside of it. So build one! Reconnect with friends you haven't spoken with in a while, or at the very least just leave the house and go sit at the library, local restaurant, whatever. I take a weekly yoga class and while I don't do it with friends, it gives me an opportunity to talk to (attractive female) strangers. You need to create physical distance on a regular basis so you can think clearly and begin to see yourself as separate from your W again.
I'm writing all of this from the perspective of someone who has gone through it for 2-3 years. When I first sensed that my MR was in trouble I panicked: my entire social life revolved around my marriage and I told myself if it ended I would be a lonely single loser. This was only true in my own head, and I spent the next couple of years building a life away from my "MR circle". 2 years after that period I discovered DB and kept the momentum going. My MR is still up in the air, but my life isn't. I have and continue to GAL and reap those rewards. My W had cast me in the role of "boring, uptight husband" to her "fun, party animal wife". But the more time I have spent with people who I connect with, the easier it's been to rebuild my old sense of self.
Take it one day at a time - one hour at a time, if you need to. And keep posting here.
I ended up in the hospital Tuesday morning with a pulmonary embolism. luckily my heart is fine and i don't have any clots in my legs. they couldn't find a reason where the blood clot came from but they think my sedentary lifestyle because of my disability. and after i got blindsided by my wife wanting divorce i was even less active so that didnt help. As soon as my wife heard that i had a pulmonary embolism she left work and came to the hospital and stayed with me every day until i was discharged. she was acting like the woman i married. her brother died from a pulmonary embolism 2 years ago so i think this triggered her. yesterday before i was discharged the hospital called my wifes phone to talk about some free resources. my wife handed me her phone to talk to them and in her haste to give me the phone she didnt close her text message conversation. when i got the phone there was the conversation right in front of me with a new guy shes talking to and it was very intimate conversation with him. i was in shock my wife realized her mistake and jumped up and grabbed the phone to close the text message. after i got through with the phone call she wasnt talking about it so i confronted her about it. she claims it started as a distraction and it wasnt serious but she wasnt going to stop talking to him.
before i got admitted to the hospital my wife had plans to spend the night with her girlfriend tonight and come home saturday. now she said she is canceling because she didnt want to leave me alone overnight so she is going to spend the day tomorrow with her friend and come home. before i went into the hospital my thoughts was she was going on a date with the guy she is talking to and depending on how it went go spend the night with her friend. now i think she is going to see her friend in the afternoon and going on a date after that with this guy.
this morning I was in the bathroom and i saw a text message to a new guy that she is meeting up with tomorrow night after she sees her friend. so now shes got multiple men going on. She did the same thing with her last husband only worse. I told her that im still hurting from the shock of the divorce and the thought of her with another man already is just as painful. how can she miss me or have second thoughts about divorce if she has all these men to take her mind off of it? i think thats why she does this.
Im sick to my stomach over this. yesterday i was so depressed in the hospital i wanted to die. i had a sliver of hope after seeing how she was taking care of me in the hospital but it was destroyed after seeing that text and then this one this morning. Here i am sitting home alone with oxygen to my nose with a pulmonary embolism i almost wish it would have killed me. She claims shes still grieving our marriage but shes grieving differently than i am.
how do i get the thoughts of her with this guy tomorrow night? its eating me up inside. i think shes cold for not postponing the date with this guy until my health is better knowing what its doing to me. I feel like im back at day 1. i had quit thinking of suicide as much until yesterday now its back .
2. Her coming to the hospital in a hurry is driven by guilt
3. You absolutely need to get mental health support. I (and others) already suggested that and I can’t see where you’ve taken that advice. Is there an employee assistance program you can access? Can you see your regular doctor to discuss thoughts of self harm? Do you have a crisis number in your area for mental health?
well i made it another day. i see my councilor monday. i was so ready to leave last night but my daughter keeps me strong. any advice on how to deal with the feelings of her being with another man? i tend to obsess over things so im stuck in a negative loop.
