My wife and and i have been together for 5 yrs and married for 2 yrs. i am 52 and she is 43. she blindsided me last Thursday saying she is filling for divorce. wants no counselling and said nothing i do or say will change her mind. i felt something was off 2 months ago but every time i would question her she said we were fine and said it was just her depression. she was still having sex with me even 3 days before the bombshell. she would act sweet and kind the day before and wrote me a nice birthday card last november saying how happy she was and what a great life we had. at the start of our relationship i told her that 2 other women blindsided me the first one being my first wife who acted like everything was fine and i caught her cheating on me right after christmas. the 2nd girl i was engaged to wrote me a text saying how much she loved me and couldnt wait to marry me then 3 hrs later broke up with me through email. i begged my wife to please communicate any issues and not blindside me like they did. she promised she would talk to me and go to counselling if things got bad. i made the mistake of not maintaining my friendships during our marriage and i put all my time into my wife and kids. i only have my 88yr old mom left who is in bad health and my 10 yr old daughter left. my daughter is from another relationship. my daughter and stepdaughter are super close to me and each other. this is going to crush them. my wife doesnt seem to care her mind is made up. i feel so alone and isolated. i am in agony and the only thing keeping me going is my daughter. i will not leave her without a father.
to make things worse i have been on long term disability and only make 60% of my jobs salary. i feel like i cant afford to live now and i need major back surgery. i suffer from a panic disorder and anxiety. my wife has major depression. i dont want to die but i dont want to be alive. i am so afraid its going to be too much to handle.
really angry and depressed today. we had the kids for the weekend. my daughter is on the same schedule as my wifes kids. i only have my daughter every other weekend while my wife has primary custody of her kids. they still dont know that my wife is divorcing me. its hard to not look upset around the kids. my wife seems to have no issues. i was watching a crime show documentary with my wife after the kids went to bed. the show was about a guy who killed his first wife because she was about to divorce him. my wife made the comment " dont kill me because im divorcing you" i told her that was very hurtful to say to me given the circumstances as im still shell shocked and dont want the divorce. her reply was i was only joking. WTF i cant believe she could say something so hurtful.
she also has been talking to guys on dating sites after she said she wanted to be alone for a while to work on herself. another lie. im angry at myself because i thought she would miss me and change her mind. im also angry that she couldnt even wait to get divorced.
Welcome to the boards. I am pasting Cadet’s welcome post below for your reference. Lots of links with a trove of useful advice.
I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Such a blindside is quite a gut punch and the pain and hurt is near indescribable.
Do you have a copy of Divorce Remedy by MWD? If not, get one. Read it cover to cover. Plenty of really good information and advice in there. Do keep DR, this site, and other DB strategies to yourself.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I look forward to conversing with you.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
she blindsided me last Thursday saying she is filling for divorce. wants no counselling and said nothing i do or say will change her mind.
Yes, they are usually very adamant of their view point. Do not try to dissuade her. We all plead, beg, make promises, and such right after bomb drop, which just propels them towards the door faster. Realize W’s path/decision has very little to do with you. Her present trajectory is emotionally driven (depression) and rational logical reasons and arguments will further her feelings.
Give her what she asked for. Give her time and space.
Divorce Busting is pretty counterintuitive. A lot of the advice and suggestions will feel wrong at first. However, it gives your best chance at saving your marriage.
That being said, the first and foremost item of importance is you. DB will save you!
Focus on you. Get a life (GAL).
W has made an announcement of divorce and fired you as husband. Let her be. Let go the rope or be dragged. Detach.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself at the present moment.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i feel so alone and isolated. i am in agony and the only thing keeping me going is my daughter. i will not leave her without a father.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i dont want to die but i dont want to be alive. i am so afraid its going to be too much to handle.
Breathe.
Just focus on that.
I understand and empathize with where you are and how you feel. You will be ok. It’s going to take some time though. One day at a time. One hour at a time. Heck, during my terrible moments it was minute by minute. Just hang in there, and stick to the path. The quickest way out of the bog is a straight line. Just keeping moving forward.
I don’t know if you believe or not, however I’ve seen plenty of hurting folks and God never places more on us than we can handle. Everyone who has embraced this DB path has risen and overcome that which they felt they never could.
she also has been talking to guys on dating sites after she said she wanted to be alone for a while to work on herself. another lie. im angry at myself because i thought she would miss me and change her mind. im also angry that she couldnt even wait to get divorced.
Most do not wait for divorce. And most are well before any divorce announcement. In fact, at the moment I cannot recall a single situation where there was not an affair. People don’t let go their current branch until they have a new one in their other hand. Even then, some will hang on to both, living in two worlds.
Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
Exiting spouses have a hodgepodge of swirling emotions, most of which they’ve buried. Their new shinning life beckons and they are full of excitement and that adamant assuredness.
Time and space.
The LBS needs to step back. Way back. No relationship talks (R-talks). Ever. Realize W will blow out of proportion anything and everything to justify her path. Heck, she’ll even craft a narrative and justifications. You simply cannot fight it head on. She will not hear it nor you.
Time and space. Your two best allies in your cause.
After a while, hopefully, W burns through her feelings and justifications and begins to feel/see - “It’s been a while and aphexx13 hasn’t been bothering me and I’m still unhappy. With some good fortune she might even come to - “hmmm, maybe he isn’t the reason for my unhappiness/depression”. And with even more good fortune, W would start to look inward.
She needs to feel the loss of you and the relationship before she will start to feel emotions more helpful to your cause. Feelings of regret, shame, sorrow, remorse, and so on. All those are pushed aside and buried presently.
You have a bunch of inner work to do as well. And you are fortunate. You aren’t looking for, or embroiled in, an affair. You have your reason and therefore will make much better progress.
You do have the gift of time. Use it wisely.
Become the best version of yourself. A man only a fool would leave.
Any changes you enact do them for you, and not in some attempt to woo W back. Making changes for you will ensure they are permanent and sincere.
Focus on you and the kids. GAL.
Go for walks. Or a run. Ride a bike. Start a hobby. Re-start hobbies you put down after marriage. Do things, not sit around and pine for what was. Exercise is a good one too, as it really helps with depression.
Keep posting. Ask questions. There are many kind and compassionate posters here with much hard-earned wisdom.
Breathe.
And know you are not alone.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Aphexx sorry you're dealing with all of this. However, I'm afraid you are borderline suicidal. Please please please contact a suicide prevention line if you start having worse feelings along those lines.
You left out some details. This is your second marriage.. How many times has your walk away been married? How did that/those marriages end?
How did you two meet? Please feel in as much detail as you possibly can do we can help and assess.
Please be aware, the likelihood of an affair is really high. The pattern is there. So brace yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Glad you found this site. I arrived here back in 09. It is a great place for support.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i feel so alone and isolated. i am in agony and the only thing keeping me going is my daughter. i will not leave her without a father.... i dont want to die but i dont want to be alive. i am so afraid its going to be too much to handle... i suffer from a panic disorder and anxiety..
I agree with Steve, use one of the hotlines. Talk to a live person. This is your number one priority.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i told her that 2 other women blindsided me
You do not have to address this immediately, but focusing on your personal growth should be one of your goals.
Take one day at a time, one hour at time, one minute at a time as needed. The more you can stay in the present, the better. Thoughts of the past or the future are not helpful when going through this.
If there is one thing I have learned from going through this, we can not control or fix the other person. It is hard enough to make changes to ourselves, nearly impossible to change someone else.
So I can only strongly suggest that you take ALL of your focus off of your W and focus on quickly making as many changes as you can to the way you interact with her.
She has lost her attraction for you. And that is Okay. There are new ways to behave that woman in general find attractive, and in turn will have your W second guessing her decision.
This is a long haul process.
We are here for you.
I wish you well.
R2C
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
1. I’d echo the statements about getting help. I’m very concerned about your mental health. You need to go and see your regular doctor and get a referral to a psychologist or counsellor. While you may think divorce busting is about saving your spouse, it’s first and foremost about saving yourself. Don’t wait. Pick up the phone and get some help. In Australia, Medicare will pay for this. Sometimes your work EAP will have access to mental health type services.
2. The veterans above like DNJ and SteveLW and R2C have been here a long time and have seen EVERYTHING. They know the patterns, and are correct - your wife is definitely having an affair. I’m sorry, but that’s just the reality here.
3. Once you start getting your head around points 1 and 2 above, get to work on the links in Cadet’s welcome thread that DNJ has posted above.
