"If someone can not grow or change then his behaviors aren't going to change. If his behaviors aren't going to change he will be the same today as he was 10 years ago in a relationship, career or interaction and will be the same 20 years from now. If he doesn't have the ability to develop insight about his behavior then I can tell you what it's like to communicate with someone who can't see his own faults. If his brain regions that effect impulse control, bonding/attachment, and the inability to learn from past mistakes are faulty, we know what the future will be like for him."
I pulled that quote from this post in the archives:
Considering that the holidays can be challenging even in the best of times, I'm happy with how the last couple of days went. W hosted Christmas Eve at our home with her family, which I did not attend. I was cheerful and optimistic throughout the day and spent most of it with the kids. I had dinner at my parents' home with some other family members and then returned to my home which was full of W's family and some close friends. 90% of the people in the house know what's going on and I am guessing the other 10% now have a strong suspicion. After everyone left my W started the usual drunk "we aren't getting a divorce" conversation. I replied with "the next 30 years of my life are not going to look like the last 3, we can talk about this when we're sober" and tried to put it to bed. She wasn't having it. What ensued was her mapping out a picture of what she claims to want: we stay married and keep things intact with the understanding that we're simply gutting it out. That's not for me.
Earlier in the week I was having a beer at a friend's house when a friend of my W's ex-AP showed up. This friend was also a friend of mine and knew about the A long before I did which remains embarrassing for me: being the last to know about the PA is one of the aspects of this I can't get past. Based on this and some other comments this guy has made over the years, I've decided I don't want him in my life anymore. When he arrived he came right up to greet me; we shook hands and then I got up and left the party. This got back to my W and when she was drunk on Christmas Eve she brought it up, saying "he didn't do anything wrong" etc and chastising my treatment of him. This made me angry - she is more concerned with this acquaintance and the optics than she is about how the PA impacted the MR. Just goes to show how she is still deeply wayward. For my part I responded with "I know who I want to hang out with, and I spend time with those people. He is not one of them."
After opening presents on Christmas morning, W started to drink and then said we (the family) were going to her brother's house. I told her I had other plans, which upset her a bit but I left the room. She spent the day getting drunk there with 2 of the 3 kids, I had my oldest son and we spent time with some of my extended family.
I feel the distance between us growing. There were a few moments of affection from her over the weekend but they felt like temp checking as oppose to genuine desire. The DR process has helped me accept that the W I once knew is gone and may never come back and I can tell you that this version of her is not welcome in my life. I know patience is required and I know things get worse before they get better but it's very lonely to be constrained by a marriage that provides none of the benefits of a relationship. We had previously agreed to table all divorce discussion until after the holidays. Now that they're ending I have some decisions to make about next steps.
I feel the distance between us growing. There were a few moments of affection from her over the weekend but they felt like temp checking as oppose to genuine desire. The DR process has helped me accept that the W I once knew is gone and may never come back and I can tell you that this version of her is not welcome in my life. I know patience is required and I know things get worse before they get better but it's very lonely to be constrained by a marriage that provides none of the benefits of a relationship. We had previously agreed to table all divorce discussion until after the holidays. Now that they're ending I have some decisions to make about next steps.
I relate to a lot of your story (except for the drunken behavior she displays). My W has already filed for divorce, and I didn't want it at the beginning, but there's really nothing here for me anymore. I'm lonely as well (and this started long before BD and me finding out about her APs, as she deprioritized me more and more in favor of her two jobs). This is ironic because she was the one who complained about being ignored but couldn't see how she also contributed to the disconnection.
My hobbies and GAL are helping quite a bit though.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Maturin - You seem to be maintaining a solid perspective, despite notes of being understandably down. I can relate to the temp-checking. My W has tried it at a few points through the holiday. I've avoided taking that bait. The first time I DB'd, I felt similar loneliness. This time, it has been replaced with enjoying time to myself, with D13, friends, and family. Heck, I've been in relationships off and on for as long as I can remember. Focusing mostly on me (and D13) has become quite welcome. I hope you find some similar peace soon and wish you luck in your decision-making.
I would consider puting some boundaries around her drinking and driving with your children. You know the details more than I. My ladies X picked up her daughter and drove off, then we both looked at each other and questioned his sobriety. We decided then and there that we would not do the exchange if we susspected him of drinking and driving.
Just my 2 cents.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Maturin - please tell me you are logging her drinking.
It’s one of those things that people say they’ll do, and then in the middle of an acrimonious court divorce, they’ll wish they had.
Start right now. Keep an organised journal of times, how many drinks, where the kids are, how drunk she is. Consider doing it via email to your own private account, or get a trusted person to sign and date it weekly.
Just piling on with R2C and Kind here to say I'd suggest documenting her drinking at this point AND establishing a hard boundary around it with her. Lob some ideas at us and we can help your refine it.
Also, (noting that i'm not a lawyer nor qualified to provide legal advice; I just have some professional experience in this space), if things are really bad, you might want to talk with a L about how best to document what is occuring. In single party consent states, only one person (you) have to consent to recording a conversation with another person.
I'd consider this a 'nuclear option" because if your W becomes aware of it, I expect in most cases game over for that relationship UNLESS, maybe, she is an alcoholic and eventually comes to her senses about the risk she can be to your kids.
