The last few days have been great. I've been busy at work as the calendar year comes to a close. Some mild weather gave me a chance to complete a last bit of landscaping before we got any major snow. A few of my investment decisions from the last 2-3 years are doing quite nicely so, as a personal finance hobbyist, I got a bit of a rush from that success.
As far as DBing goes, my detaching and GALing are going well. I've been diving into cataloging a comic book collection because I'd like to sell off all but a few storylines that are meaningful to me. I donated a bunch of old clothing and slimmed-down things that are solely "mine" around the house. I've also added some new clothes to my wardrobe and received compliments from friends and co-workers about my appearance. Being sick for two weeks helped me shed about 10 pounds so there is some silver lining to that otherwise miserable period.
I'm doing well at minimizing conversation with W and keeping my words to a minimum. W tried striking up social conversation on a few topics. My responses were pleasant and brief while pivoting to complete some tasks that W knew I'd been trying to get to around the house, meaning I exited EVERY conversation first. My next goal is to finish Christmas shopping over the weekend. Shopping will be crazy around here now and I love that, especially when compared with when we were locked down due to COVID.
I hope all is going as well as it can for all of you. I'm enjoying a book recommended elsewhere on this site (and out of print) called The Solo Partner. I'm hopeful I'll be able to share in my future posts some suggestions from that book that I'm finding helpful in case you may too.
Oh and I see I titled this "Thread" my 2nd "Threat" so I'm hoping a moderator can fix that issue since I'm not "Threatening" anyone or anything!
(Title all fixed up. Less threatening now. Haha. - DnJ)
Last edited by DnJ; 12/15/2301:29 AM. Reason: Confirming title correction.
Thanks, DnJ for the edits. It is much less threatening now!
W surprised me and asked if we could go to my old parish for Christmas mass because D13 has taken an interest in my religious upbringing. W is non-denominational. I'm a lapsed Catholic. However, my church community has remained solid, the church is beautifully decorated for the holidays, and the choir sounds fantastic. I will enjoy being back "home" for sure. I also love showing D13 a bit of what my life was like growing up. I said "Let's talk when we have more time" and headed out to work.
I also found out a 2nd cousin who was fairly active in our family passed away unexpectedly. It always seems like this time of each leads to two or three unexpected deaths among my family, friends, or co-workers. D13 doesn't get to see this extended family often and, while a sad event, appreciates knowing we've got more family out there than she originally understood.
I've got some winterizing fertilizer ready to spread. Decided to start another, indoor improvement project. We'll see some more of my immediate family on Sunday for another event. Have a good weekend, all.
It illustrates how challenging it can be to break old habits and form new, better ones. It might be silly but I put a slight dot on my hand with a Sharpie as a reminder to STFU and be more frugal with my words when I interact with W.
That’s a good idea.
It takes about three weeks of purposeful effort to form a habit. And about twice as long to break a habit. That purposeful effort becoming minimal or ingrained as the habit takes hold. After all, that is what a habit basically is.
Another “tool” for behaviour modification - a rubber band sitting loosely around your wrist. When you feel the push/need to do something, give the rubber band a pull and let it go. Albeit, this tactic is better suited to say detachment. For example, when one’s emotions get dragged around, give that rubber band a snap. That snap interrupts our feelings and our reinforcement of them, which allows them to extinguish. Like the sharpie mark, something to focus (or snap into focus) one’s purposeful effort.
Congratulations on your investment decisions. A very nice success. (MrP now riding around in a Ferrari. )
Your life sounds full. Work, comics, house projects, etc. Excellent!
I think it is a lovely idea to take D13 to your old parish for Christmas mass. I’m sure she’ll enjoy seeing it, and seeing a bit of your childhood life.
Regarding W, keep expectations at zero. She may go, she may cancel, she may be talkative, she may be silent. Just go with the flow.
Enjoy the gift shopping this weekend.
Merry Christmas to you and your’s.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I like the rubber band idea as well and can see where a good "snap" will come in handy at times. The investment decisions weren't as grand as to be able to fund that Ferrari, but they will help offset some expenses for the next five years or so. Shopping is almost done so that will be a relief. I'm rounding out the rest of my gifts with restaurant gift cards because my older family tends to like those experiences.
I attended my cousin's funeral yesterday. Though sad, it was nice to see family who'd come from all over the country. We laughed. We cried. We said goodbye in the best way possible. I also met some of the younger generation of cousins I've not previously had a chance to meet. I found myself quite happy to talk with them.
I'm excited to take D13 to mass. I'm not always thrilled with some of the new hymns or changes to old ones. That is a small price to pay for the overall experience with D13.
Merry Christmas DnJ (and to everyone). I'm so glad this board is welcoming, supportive, and pushing me to reflect on my own BS/blind spots/avoidance. The growth I'm experiencing as a result is a great help.
Thanks, Steve. For some reason, something "clicked" recently for me. I've been taking lots of action to figure out what makes me happy, what's best for D13, and just thinking each day about the best I can do that day, one at a time. Re-reading this material repeatedly, and journaling the things that really resonate, is helpful when trying to help others. Thanks for all your input. Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones as well.
MrP I find your thread encouraging. I remember a feeling of inability to summon myself when going through these difficult times and to read one where someone in our position seems to have that ability to reign themselves in and focus on themselves successfully ... it creates a hope that we can live happily even in the face of great adversity. I realize you're likely still facing overwhelming challenge but it sounds to me like you're doing it right. I wish you the best.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Thanks, Steve. For some reason, something "clicked" recently for me. I've been taking lots of action to figure out what makes me happy, what's best for D13, and just thinking each day about the best I can do that day, one at a time. Re-reading this material repeatedly, and journaling the things that really resonate, is helpful when trying to help others. Thanks for all your input. Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones as well.
I remember my "it just clicked" moment in my own situation. Shortly after I found the board (even though I had known about MWD and DBing for years), I was at work and it hit me that I was going to be ok no matter what. I remember I was able to go eat lunch for the first time in weeks! And I was actually hungry. Now there were moments of doom and gloom and temptation to do things I knew I shouldn't (like snoop and or start an R talk) after that, but it really kick started my becoming more consistent in my DBing with less back sliding.
By the way, the effects of that on my WAS were fairly immediate and noticable. Not that she gave up on her desire for D right away, but I could tell her commitment to that course of action began to wane.
You'll have rough days ahead, but you are headed in the right direction.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks, both Bunches and Steve. The feedback received from this community, lots of re-reading, and self-reflection are steadily coming together. Given this is my 2nd time with DBing, and initially the first time was filled with doing many of the wrong things until my IC turned me on to MWD, I found this forum, and got one of the DB coaches, was just miserable. Over the last 4-5 years, I've put into practice a great deal of what we discuss here, as well as other marital gurus like Gottman (becoming an expert on W) and Tatkin (especially his guidance around avoidant attachment).
When D came up again a few months ago, while I was still a bit shocked, it didn't hit me as hard as the first time. I'm pretty darn proud of the changes I have made and continue to improve. There are moments when I slip up or repeat an old habit. Those moments are few and far between. The idea that "you didn't break S and can't fix S" really sunk in for me over the last few weeks.
I can tell when W is trying to initiate conflict so that she can attribute responsibility to me for something. I let that bait go untouched. I've told W that I deserve to talk about any given topic courteously and respectfully or I will not participate. By GALing, I've given W time and space to see that "stuff happens" even when I am not around. Until the discussion about D is resolved, my services as a H are unavailable. Aside from consultation to ensure D13 won't be alone or her needs otherwise addressed, my plans are my own.
Bunches, I like the idea of being able to "summon myself". The first time this happened, I'd just come off a terrible time at work. I was also diagnosed with a disability that, while manageable, left me depressed. It was really difficult to choose to summon my best self. I've been on much better footing and more confident this time around. My diet is better. I'm working out. I'm sleeping well. I've got plans if we D and plans if we don't.
So far, it isn't overwhelming (been there, done that). It is challenging. There are rough days. I will be OK as I know will most if not all of us here. I've got a nice plot of land for now in Limboland, time to do lots of positive things for myself, D13, family, friends, and professionally with the the gift of time for now. Again, I'm grateful for your feedback and hope I can be helpful to you in return.
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