Hi all. Hope everyone is doing as well as possible.
As a quick recap, the D paperwork W had prepped was set to expire next week if I wasn't served. I knew that could lead to 1) being served 2) not being served and 3) not being served with the potential to be served further down the road. W asked to talk and let tearfully let me know that she chose to move forward with the D. I said I understood and repeated something one of the DB counselors taught me ~5 years ago "To me, divorce isn't the solution to our problems. However, I love and respect you enough to let go".
Overall, I feel relief. I'm still at peace with either path (D or not D with my boundaries and requirements being actively addressed. I've done too much work to settle for less).
I know that being served isn't the end and there is a lot of time before a judge bangs a gavel down and declares the marriage officially done. I've got plans tomorrow with friends from high school. I'm watching the NCAA football championship with other friends.
Most of my property is pre-marital so, thanks to my L, I have a good sense of how those chips will fall if the D becomes final. In some ways, being better prepared for a D makes the other half of DBing easier for me. I continue to focus on me and D13, remain aloof and positive when around W, and am glad for the support of this community. I can see W is struggling and sad. While I wish I could say and do more, I'm even more fired now than I was a day ago. I can offer the support I'd offer a friend if they ask. Otherwise, W is getting lots more time and space.
As always, thanks, each of you, for being along (virtually) for the ride. It helps!
My guess is every single person gets to that point eventually. The ironic part is that showing strength gives you the best chance to reconcile. Also, if you truly love someone you will give them what makes them happy. You have hit the nail on the head that this is all about fear it really has nothing to do with your wife and who she is as a person. With time and distance you will see it. The problem is that your brain is trying everything in its power to get you to stay in this “safe place” and wait for the storm to blow over. It’s up to you to decide if you should ride the storm out and see if your current place is salvageable or you evacuate and go build a potentially amazing place somewhere else.
As far as your responsibility in the breakdown of your marriage. It’s great that you acknowledge it, some don’t, but remember that you did the best that you could with the knowledge you had at the time.
Thank you, Boat. Right on all counts. I love the comparison to a storm. I do feel like I was responsive to the information that I received when I received it. I could've picked up the issues sooner, understand that much better now, and will be a a great partner to someone who reciprocates it.
Thought I'd stop by and share a brief update. All is fairly quiet around here. I acknowledged receipt of the divorce papers and sent the rest off to my L. L and I did share a quick update on my desired strategy for approaching D. D13 is my priority. Everything else will be fine and I'm expecting to do a bit better than if W and I weren't keeping the peace.
Last weekend, I had a great time out with some friends for a milestone birthday party. I reconnected with a male friend from high school who just got out of a relationship. We're planning to get together regularly. Bumped into an ex-girlfriend at this party. She texted me afterward a few times and I've been spare in my responses. The whole group is also going to try to get together every few months so that would be a nice surprise.
I'm making my way through the house taking care of repair and improvement work that I tend to defer until the cold weather hits. I enjoy manual labor: doing a quality job, the sense of completion, and the pure focus on the task. We got hit with a ton of snow and cold weather so I got a great workout clearing that up. Tomorrow it's back to the treadmill and free weights for a few hours.
W commented about potentially sleeping in the master bedroom with me this weekend. I said "Sure" in a neutral tone". I'm expecting mixed signals like this will pop up now and then. Thankfully I'm prepped to keep practicing my DB habits.
D13 appears to be handling things well. From the sound of things, she talks with me more openly and directly than W. I talk positively about W, reiterate none of this is due to D13, and assure her that I'll bust my butt to make sure life for us is as good as possible. I remind her she is well-loved by many family and friends. We're all here for her however she'd like us to be.
And so, another day passes in Limboland. It feels great to slow life down. I'm picking up books I've set aside and making time to read them. I'm hoping to pick up a new laptop so that I can use it for a side hustle or two. All in all, it has been a peaceful week. I wish the same for all of you.
Not much new to share. My L is getting a response to the D papers back to me. Pretty straightforward stuff. Focusing on GAL and went out with the father of one of D13's friends. He is from the UK so not too much community here. Lots of good discussion about concerts we attended around the same time, great beer, and aspirations of books we expect to write at some point.
W commented how late I got home. I said "Yeah that was late", got some coffee, and headed up to my home office. I showered then W came in to shower. She made some flirty jokes while almost naked and threw me a sexy smile. I closed the bathroom door, didn't look back, and got ready to take D13 shopping. My observation based on a few things that happened over the last week is that W is wrestling a bit with my being less social and starting to see what shouldering certain things solo (dealing with automotive issues, being the only one caring for the dog that W wanted, technology issues, etc.) is going to be like. W reluctantly asked for help with 1-2 things. Since we're still under the same roof and I want D13 to know that I expect to treat W with kindness, I helped W out.
W ended up joining our mall trip to help D13 pick out some new outfits. It was a pleasant trip and I know D13 was happy the three of us spent the day together. W suggested that I join her and D13 on two, upcoming trips with my in-laws. I countered with "Thanks. I was thinking of taking a solo trip since you two will be gone and I've not done one in a while" and left it at that. Felt like another temp-check and, if I were to go, like setting the stage for some cake eating (all the benefits of a husband for W w/o being one - I'd be another driver, problem-solver, decision-maker, help keep D13 occupied, etc.). I'd rather take the time to relax at home or on a short, solo getaway.
I'm planning to work out for ~ 2 hours tomorrow, making a good breakfast, and catching up on reading 1-2 books I picked up over the holiday: one fiction book and another a book on improving one's mental health. I love grocery shopping so tomorrow I'll be stocking up on stuff for the week ahead. Temps are super cold here right now so I try to enjoy the crisp, fresh air each morning. I've not felt so relaxed for a while. If you aren't making time to slow life down a bit, I encourage you to do it. Make a list of 2-3 things you typically enjoy and make some time to stretch out enjoying them!
Not much new to share. My L is getting a response to the D papers back to me. Pretty straightforward stuff. Focusing on GAL and went out with the father of one of D13's friends. He is from the UK so not too much community here. Lots of good discussion about concerts we attended around the same time, great beer, and aspirations of books we expect to write at some point.
W commented how late I got home. I said "Yeah that was late", got some coffee, and headed up to my home office. I showered then W came in to shower. She made some flirty jokes while almost naked and threw me a sexy smile. I closed the bathroom door, didn't look back, and got ready to take D13 shopping. My observation based on a few things that happened over the last week is that W is wrestling a bit with my being less social and starting to see what shouldering certain things solo (dealing with automotive issues, being the only one caring for the dog that W wanted, technology issues, etc.) is going to be like. W reluctantly asked for help with 1-2 things. Since we're still under the same roof and I want D13 to know that I expect to treat W with kindness, I helped W out.
W ended up joining our mall trip to help D13 pick out some new outfits. It was a pleasant trip and I know D13 was happy the three of us spent the day together. W suggested that I join her and D13 on two, upcoming trips with my in-laws. I countered with "Thanks. I was thinking of taking a solo trip since you two will be gone and I've not done one in a while" and left it at that. Felt like another temp-check and, if I were to go, like setting the stage for some cake eating (all the benefits of a husband for W w/o being one - I'd be another driver, problem-solver, decision-maker, help keep D13 occupied, etc.). I'd rather take the time to relax at home or on a short, solo getaway.
I'm planning to work out for ~ 2 hours tomorrow, making a good breakfast, and catching up on reading 1-2 books I picked up over the holiday: one fiction book and another a book on improving one's mental health. I love grocery shopping so tomorrow I'll be stocking up on stuff for the week ahead. Temps are super cold here right now so I try to enjoy the crisp, fresh air each morning. I've not felt so relaxed for a while. If you aren't making time to slow life down a bit, I encourage you to do it. Make a list of 2-3 things you typically enjoy and make some time to stretch out enjoying them!
Just stopping by to see how others are doing and share a quick update. My L sent my wife's L our resposne to the divorce complaint. W broke down in tears while cooking a bit after reading my response. I had my L make some adjustments to the standard responses where the "respondent" simply affirms or denies statements in the divorce complaint (side note - how silly and archaic is this process). The main thing that upset W is that, in resposne to a standard statement about the "objects of matrimony" being destroyed beyond all hope for reconciliation, I asked my L to state that I "neither agree or disagree with that statement, leaving complainant (W) to her proofs" meaning I don't know if there is not hope for reconciliation. W said it bothered her that I wouldn't agree with her (that there isn't hope for reconciliation).
I said that I can see why from her perspective my agreeing may feel better. She was also upset that my L initially pushed back about either party getting child support. I stated that I understood that to be "boilerplate" language much like language W's attorney used in the complaint. It is likely in our state that W will get something (my income is double hers); no need to get into that in response to what W was saying at the time. I'm fired as an H and also her L. I ended the discussion by saying "I recongize this is a difficult time" and then said I was going to let D13 know dinner would be ready soon, giving W some time to regain her composure.
That's all for now folks.
Last edited by DnJ; 01/26/2404:52 PM. Reason: Fixed up a few typos.
Dropping in on your thread to say that your composure and cool head are a great example for those of us who might be heading to where you are. I have heard for a long time that if you do the work you will develop the strength to rise above the fear and you have personified that P.
Sometimes I think if I were the guy I am becoming now 10 years ago none of this would be happening, but that's a silly thought. In a strange way I am grateful for this growth even if it does mean D and a new path.
Thanks, M and D. Please excuse my typos too. Wow. I swear I proofed that post and Grammarly automatically checks everything I write. I may need to add an eye exam to my GAL schedule!
M, unfortunately, and as you know, we can't go back in time. I see Ws and Hs struggling over old wounds and expect both parties would do better if they could get a do-over. MWDs book resonated with me because of the focus she places on the future and solutions. If someone chooses to stay stuck in past injuries (real and perceived), chooses not to forgive, put effort into addressing their contributions, etc. while we are doing the DB work then, after allowing things to try and heal, moving on is in our best interest. I'll admit to still feeling fear while moving forward, enforcing boundaries, and doing other work. This forum, our collective stories, and perhaps some residual religious upbringing in my life among other things are driving me to have faith in what I'm doing. I believe (more often than not) I'm doing the right things.
Today, W also expressed disappointment that I would not join her, my in-laws, and D13 on a spring break trip this year that involved meeting up with W's best friend and husband. I restated what I'd previously stated - for me to remain home. Later, when we reflected on a milestone b-day we celebrated with these friends, I commented on what a great time we had. W sarcastically said, "Well, I guess we won't this time". Nothing to respond to there so I didn't.
I'm taking a vacation day so today has largely focused on updating my budget for the new year, relaxing with terrible, old horror movies (Phantasm anyone?), and hopefully time for a long workout. In case I'm not back here until Monday, I wish you all a great weekend.
