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DnJ #2947160 09/08/23 03:56 AM
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It's interesting how both of our Once-Upon-A-Spouses seem to get crazier and crazier with each passing month/year. And are totally self-focused. Yours however does not seem driven to cause harm and evil, like mine. Yours hurts her children but not in such a strategic way. Both are so lost, and it just seems so sad. In my case I think I did not see the signs that he was always driven to harm me, I just kept us afloat on what I thought he was/could be, and his attempts to practice faith I think did help keep him from the worst for a little while. In your case you do not see a pattern from the old days with her except in the abrupt departure without bag/sweater happening twice I think.

I see many folks here posting about still grieving the loss of the relationship, even those whose spouses were cruel, though you don't seem to do that now, you are accepting and have distance. For me I see my entire history with the Was-band as a lie; I never feel grief for the relationship and have disassociated from those memories. I only feel grief for myself, thinking about what was going to happen to the girl in the photo, thinking about what I wish I could tell her or how unclear my vision was. I also feel hope and light, I see how God used what happened to me for my Good, even though I ignored all the warning signs before I married H. And I think God really wanted my children to be here, so I am thankful for that.

I'm still so trapped in this abusive nightmare, my future still so uncertain, and he is still so horrible to the children as well that I seem only able to live with this background terror radiation while still trying to enjoy the rest of my life. I am pretty desperate for the time when I don't have that anymore. And at this point I don't even blame H for doing what he does as much as I blame the judge for enabling it. It's the judge who is keeping me trapped, H would not have the power to do it if it weren't for her.

It's nice to see how peaceful you feel about your life, you were that way for a long time, but still it keeps going, that's good, DnJ. I don't see a future like that for myself, I mean I can't really see it yet though I long for it so much. I just have been trying to make peace with the idea that maybe I won't get free of him, it seems impossible, and so many people live through so much worse and survive.

Anyway I sure hope I'll be able to spend my days fixing things and enjoying time at home without terror, like you do. I'm doing that all the time and love my fixer-upper projects, it's just that my heart is always terrified, there is always this fear hanging over me, even when I am feeling peace and happiness or fun or just passion and interest in some project. In fact the cottage project is almost done, I have some heating questions for you that I'll post when I have time....

Big hug.

Last edited by Gerda; 09/08/23 03:59 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
DnJ #2947213 09/11/23 12:47 PM
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Hey DnJ,

Fantastic to read how you are dealing with your retirement and life in general!
This must also be very pleasant for your mum to still be able to go on adventures, this since she has you by her side. She has an incredible support from you. So great!

Originally Posted by DnJ
And I've finally got back to my living room remodelling. The ceiling tiles are up, and it looks great! Moving around the furniture so I can reach the ceiling was a pain. All that's left is installing the trim, and putting the pictures back up.
And what will be the new project? grin

As for XW, it's actually really harrowing to read your story. She obviously chooses it herself but how unhappy she must be these past few years. And this obsession with knives....what is all this, seems not healthy at all...
So it looks like she remains tangled in her deep replay, this now for 6 years or so?

If you read all the stories on the MLC forum, see Gerda's story, your story, sjohn6, PLC, my own story, and so many others, all so different but they have one common factor, all of them are deeply unhappy.
Some can't let go of the ex-partner and try to destroy the other, some don't know what they want and do touch-n-go's on a continuous basis, others walk away from it completely.

Fortunately, at some point we each gain the strength to deal with it in our own way and give everything a place to then continue our lives the best way possible.

Have a good day dear friend.


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
DnJ #2947399 09/22/23 04:43 PM
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Good Morning

Gerda, yes XW did redo the exact same thing when leaving our home as she did when leaving her home as a teen. Both times, she left with the clothes on her back and forgot her purse. No identification, no money, no keys. Strange to see that repeat three decades passed.

In my situation, XW has placed me, and more the kids, into the roll of her parents as she rebels against them (us). The landscape of a crisis is strange indeed.

Originally Posted by Gerda
…you are accepting and have distance.

A vanisher MLCer certainly does provide ample distancing opportunities.

Your H is on a much different trek.

Originally Posted by Gerda
It's nice to see how peaceful you feel about your life, you were that way for a long time, but still it keeps going, that's good, DnJ.

Thank you Gerda. Yes, my life is pretty drama free. Still, things do pop up now and then, the 84th problem parable I do think of when that happens.


Originally Posted by Gerda
the cottage project is almost done

Awesome! Congratulations!

Originally Posted by Gerda
I have some heating questions for you that I'll post when I have time....

smile

I look forward to it.


Eagle, yes XW’s BD was six years ago. And it does appear she is still entangled in replay.

Her new fondness for sharp knives and such is a bit spooky. Son said she had an odd look about her while she spoke of them.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
Fantastic to read how you are dealing with your retirement and life in general!
This must also be very pleasant for your mum to still be able to go on adventures, this since she has you by her side. She has an incredible support from you. So great!

Mom and I are starting to make plans for the trip to Ireland next year. She is (we are) pretty eager to see castles and other landmarks/country side.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
And what will be the new project?

I will be continuing into the office and the other entrance to the house.

I am starting to plan for installing fascia around the roof and it’s four gables. At 35 feet in the air, I’m going to need a lift for the few week of work.

I’ll also make the most of the opportunity and replace the eave trough supports. The original style from the manufacture has a few flaws: single support anchor, top side bracket, and too weak at the central stress point. I’ve designed a bottom support with two mounting holes for more strength and stability. Also the design has a gusset, thicker material, and I’m going to double up the number holders. There is a lot of snow and ice load around here.

Have a great day.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ #2947556 10/07/23 08:26 PM
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Ah, Thanksgiving weekend.

The kids (including their partners) and my parents are coming over for supper on Sunday. Most, if not all, kids will be staying over Saturday until Monday. In total ten of us will be seated around the table. I better have lots of gravy! Lol.

We are also celebrating two birthdays. My second son’s and my oldest son’s GF’s. I got them both a battery powered set of a hammer drill and an impact driver. Shhhh. Don’t tell them. smile Older kids, home owners, are so much easier to buy for.

I’m presently sitting on my couch, enjoying the afternoon. Outside is bright and cool; 8C right now. The house is still and peaceful. The furnace is quietly running on its low continuous speed. The lack of noise and commotion being a pretty common and standard state around here. It’s kind of funny how seemingly loud it is when the automatic ice cube maker in the fridge dumps and refills.

Soon things will be active. The ice cube maker’s use will have a significant increase in its output. And Thanksgiving supper will have two new faces from the infamous Thanksgiving supper and exodus of six years ago.

I think this is actually the eve of that date’s anniversary. I’m pretty sure BD was October 8 2017; though not 100% sure. I considered going to the office pulling up my copy of my 29 past threads on the computer to see what the actual date was, yet didn’t really care to. Pretty interesting how such a date, time, and place which was once so solidly burnt into my mind, is barely even a footnote in this new chapter.

Going to bed last night, I noticed it was -2C. Brrr. I better drain the garden hoses and bring them in, ready the dog’s heated water bowl, and replace the water with antifreeze windshield washer fluid in all the vehicles. The tractor’s air breather has been replaced, the snowblower is attached, and all is ready and operable.

The kids are are doing splendidly. S26 is in his final year of architecture. He and GF are finishing up their basement. GF’s work is especially busy in fall and spring with lots of travelling. S25 and DIL’s house is awaiting electrical hook up and then they can move in. Their jobs are going very well. S23 is in his first year of his Master studies in physics. He is working on modelling and predicting solar turbulence. Not the turbulence on the Sun’s surface, rather that of the solar winds. The radiation that blasts outward and “inflates” the heliosphere. Although, I do think he is more focusing upon the vicinity of Earth and its orbit. D21 is still working her two jobs, and is renovating her home. She tore off the dilapidated part of the deck and opened up the yard. And she replaced the three foot broken wood fence along the front with a six foot chain link one. Now her dog can run about the entire yard sans leash. Daughter also has a new boyfriend, whom she is bringing over this weekend.

Myself. Life is good.

Take care folks, and I hope you have a great weekend.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ #2947571 10/09/23 05:42 AM
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Happy Thanksgiving D


M:52 W: 51
T:27 M:25
D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
DnJ #2947895 10/22/23 11:55 PM
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Hello All

I was posting to Rock and realized I had started upon some kind of an update. Figured I’d continue here, and see where it goes. smile

Ah fall time. My walks among the trees and tall grass is crunchy with all the dry leaves underfoot. Not much sneaking up on anything. smile

We had a bit of a wind storm a day ago which removed near most of the what was the remaining leaves from the tress. Most open areas were likewise blown clear as well. My lawn was full of grass clippings and leaves in thick windrows, now all gone. Blown across the prairie until hitting some bushes or such. The last bastion of crunchy walking is only within the now naked trees’ umbrella.

Nighttime is gorgeous. Last night was so clear, and of course it’s dark now much earlier. So, returning from driving my Mom home after movie night, I sat outside and looked upon the stars. The milky way clearly glowed. Like a painted trail across the black sky. Various planets popped, being the brightest points of light in the sky. So many stars; almost too many to pick out the constellations.

Dark nights with skeleton trees silhouetted against pale star light is all very Halloween like.

This afternoon I cut down the swinging/climbing rope from the large elm tree from within the circular driveway. This elm is on the east end of the row of four trees which run basically down the middle of this inner area. The west end is another big elm tree that so many kids have climbed as well.

To the north of the row of trees is a thirty by fifteen foot sand box. And to the west end of that, resides a half court basket ball area with dug in backboard and hoop. To the south of the trees it slopes down around seven feet. This is an awesome space for croquet. Lots of flat space, shade, and a nice steep hill to place the stupidly difficult wickets. We like to have some very challenging games.

Anyhow, the rope is tied to the main horizon limb which is about 14 feet off the ground. I backed the truck under it and used a step ladder to reach and then cut the rope. Yes, cut the rope. The tree has grown over the years and the clove hitch is now far too tight to undo. I tied the rope when the kids were so tiny. The limb actually has extended further than the 1” rope which is seated within grooves now. Cutting was me chiselling through the rope, then pulling and prying the rope from around the limb.

The dogs faithful watched me. Likely wishing me not to fall. Not from any well wishing, just that I’m the one who feeds them. Lol.

After, the dogs and I dug up a few mole hills and set some traps for the critters. Moles left unchecked do dig up a lawn rather quickly, and make some real large piles of dirt overnight. Case in point, I had five hills appear in two days.

The dog and I ambled about the yard. A nice mid teen temperature and cloudy, with just a hint of rain starting. Was kind of quiet for a while. Then our walk entered the bushes and it tuned all crunching and noise. The two dogs sniffing and running here and there and rustling everything.

Eventually the rain turned more imminent. I gathered the dog food and the dogs raced me to the pen. They always win! They are happy within their space and there is no problem getting them back to it. One dog always sits upon the play structure watching me, ha, more watching the food make its way to them. The other hangs out by the open gate likewise watching and eagerly waiting.

One bowl, well old metal round wash bucket actually, for the two dogs. I dump in the pail of food and they share with no fighting. Both dig in, heads side by side. I always like seeing that. Even yesterday, when I had some older ham which I figured was likely ok, yet didn’t want to chance. I cut it up and mixed in with their food. Still, just side by side.

Hope everyone’s weekend was good and your upcoming week is as well.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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DnJ #2948023 11/05/23 04:09 PM
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Good Morning

Yesterday, what a beautiful day. It was cloudy, cold, and completely still. No wind. No noise. So incredibly peaceful.

Daylight saving time had me turn the clocks back an hour last night. Sunset is now one hour earlier; presently 5:08pm. Of course, sunrise is one hour earlier too. smile

I woke up at my same internal time. That’s going to take a few weeks to adjust. Anyhow, I awoke to a -2C morning. Warmed up quite bit. And it’s raining. Ice is covering everything. The deck is so slippery, ice covered with a thin layer of water. Rather treacherous at the moment.

Being retired, I’ve not got to go out and can let this weather pass. Although, I do sort of miss the ice melting work. Well, only sort of. smile I’m pretty content in my post-work life.

In a few weeks my son and DIL’s house will be complete. There were some unfortunate delays with the municipality and the electrical utility dropping the ball, which prevented the scheduled contractor work from going ahead. It took months to get re-booked and completed.

Anyhow, son and I are making plans. I will be coming over to guide/mentor him and DIL with the electrical and plumbing of the dishwasher, the electrical wiring in of the range, and the installation of the satellite dish and cabling of the internet. That’s going to be an exciting weekend for them. And a busy week as they finally move in.

Well, I’m off to adjust all the clocks that don’t automatically shift.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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DnJ #2948151 11/23/23 04:45 AM
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Happy Thanksgiving.

I hope that everyone feels the embrace of their loved ones, and gives thanks for their many blessings.

I know that for those embroiled in the early stages of their situations it can be exceedingly difficult to see anything to be thankful for. Please know, you are not alone. I’ve been there. Been lost and felt so utterly alone. Do have faith, for that despair is a temporary state. You will get through it, and will be thankful for the golden opportunities and lessons learnt while within the crucible.

(((Hug)))

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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DnJ #2948471 12/11/23 04:07 PM
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Good Morning

I’m sitting here enjoying my coffee and morning, and thought I’d update a bit.

My eldest son and GF got engaged. He proposed while they were vacationing in Mexico. No word on when a wedding might be yet.

A few months ago, son had asked me about proposing. He (and GF) has been wanting to propose for a while now but was thinking he should wait until he graduates and has a better job and so on. My advice was, if you wait for the perfect time, you’ll end up waiting forever. There is always another hurdle, a better job, or another course, or some task to do; life gets and is full. The best time is your present moment. Guess it resonated with him.

Second oldest son and DIL finally got the keys to their new house. So many missed deadlines and such by the bank, municipality, and contractors. Was one delay after another. Anyhow, they moved in with the help of her Mom and Dad. The next night, Saturday, I arrived (3 1/2 hours away) so to be there first thing in the morning to help hook up the appliances, satellite internet, etc. We had lots of work and having a full day would be beneficial.

However, the first problem was no hot water. The breaker would just trip in less than a minute. Investigated that night. A look at the tank’s nameplate showed it has 4500W elements and the installer only provided a 20A breaker. Needs at least 25A, however 30A is preferred. Thankfully the wire size was correct for the current flow. The local store is open on Sunday and we made plans to go buy the required breaker, even though the installer should have to replace it. Warranty is good and all, but you’ll be having cold showers until then, so we decided to just look after it.

So Sunday morning was another morning of no hot water. We had some breakfast and then while waiting for the store to open installed the washing machine and dryer. The levelling of the machines went smoothly as did the plumbing hook up. The dryer venting, as I suspected, less so. The manufacture provided flexible vent piping is next to impossible to attach without ample room around the machine. And it has no crimped end so it does not affix to the venting to outside without modification and plenty of tape.

I did bring my crimping tool, though on such coiled piping it does a poor job. And we really only want the joining pipe to be attached to the dryer and then lined up to the outside vent so as the dryer is pushed back it slides in. So, along with a 30A/2P breaker, we got a 4” adjustable angle piping.

The dryer vent was then easily attached and secured to the machine. The vent, now a rigid metal piece, was then adjusted to the level of the existing venting to the outside, and the machine was moved into place.

The hot water tank breaker was replaced and worked fine. While I had the electrical panel open I also corrected how the installer had mounted the cover. One row of breakers were not quite fully pushed into the bus bar connections, thus the cover actually was sitting out, not on the correct mounting part of the circuit breakers. This was easily seen and felt because when one screws the cover on, the screws cross thread and do not seat fully. The very manner in which I found the electrical panel. Sigh. It’s what happens when one prioritizes money over quality/safety. I also checked, and tightened the loose terminals on the other circuit breakers since I had the panel open.

Son and I then moved on to the internet satellite dish install. Son had already purchased a required twenty foot ladder (so I didn’t need to bring mine) for us to access the roof and peak of the house. I scampered up the ladder with tools and supplies in tow. Made my way to the peak where the dish was to be mounted to the fascia. The house’s style has a sloped roof with an interior ceiling height of twelve feet. The house is sitting on a nine foot basement with five feet of that above grade. So pretty nice view from up there.

I laid down flat on the frosty slippery shingles to work. At a peak of a house there is nothing to really hang on to. Anyhow, held the dish mounting pipe in position while son ensured it looked fine from ground level, and marked the mounting hole. Drilled the hole, screwed in one of the bolts, levelled the mount and marked the other holes, and drilled and installed them. Then attached the dish and ran the cable down the side of the wall mounting it every foot. Then drilled through the wall into the basement. Good thing I brought my drill bit extension as we had to drill through around 15 inches of wall to get to the inside. Good thick wall, with plenty of insulation. Ran the cable and blocked up the hole. Plugged in the cable and the router, and the internet was up and running in less than five minutes.

We then cut through the plaster wallboard and the metal duct for the exhaust vent above the stove. The kids have an exhaust hood/microwave combo which was then mounted above the range/stove.

Next was the dishwasher and running water to the fridge’s ice maker. Unfortunately we did not have the correct attachment part to get to the 1/2” PEX water supply line. By this hour, 5:00 pm, the local store was closed. We searched and a store was open until 6:00 pm in city which was 30 minutes away. So a nice drive, some more parts, some take out food, and we were back to the dishwasher around 6:30 pm. Got the washer and fridge both plumbing in, and they worked well.

I left Sunday night and got home after midnight.

The next weekend, two days ago, I returned to help with the sump pump, and trim the counter top as the provide measurement of the space for the fridge was incorrect and the fridge fit quite tightly. We also mounted the TV and set up the surround sound.

The basement is an ICF construction so the TV mount needed to be drilled into the concrete within the insulated block. Some sleuthing and a couple of trips to the store were required before we had our needed mounting materials. Five inch self tapping concrete screws and similarly long concrete bit. The block insulation is three inches all around with concrete center. That TV ain’t going to fall off the wall. lol.

The weather was just horrible. Rain and sleet, iced up everything and I stayed another night. The three of us rewatched Lord of the Rings as the TV/Surround Sound’s maiden voyage in the new home. That’s pretty much all of our’s favourite movie. And in the big open basement it sounded great!

The next morning I returned home, stopping by my third eldest son’s place for a visit. He showed me his new monitors - birthday and Christmas gifts from me - and the new curtains and furnishings he installed. We went out for lunch and he filled me in on the latest with his university and his current graduate school/master level learnings of the quantum world. OMG! The math is so boggling. The main course, basically deriving the thermodynamic properties, the why of things, those formulas, from the very first principles/building blocks.

Son is now, as he said, at the cusp of actually understanding the math and work he did as a undergrad student years ago. He laughed as he recalled asking his then professor about the math and what they were proving/illustrating. She told him, it would take many years for him to get enough understand before he and she could even discuss it, as he has no basis or language for it yet. And she was absolutely right.

Son is one of four grad students enrolled in this course. The next, and significantly more advanced class is not even offered at the university. Son would have to go elsewhere to take it. He is very interested and is looking into that. He is also seeing if perhaps he and his professor could work one on one on it, or something like that too. Not sure what might happen.

I got home to a bunch of snow. I’ll have to do some shovelling. I’ll finish decorating for Christmas and get ready for the concert/sing-a-long this Saturday. I even got a piano tuner coming over tomorrow to give the piano a once over. It’s been a few years and although it sounds good, it does need some tweaking here and there. Second octave B flat has a noticeable twang as an example.

Most of my presents are wrapped. I still need to get a few more stocking stuffers though.

Otherwise, after this upcoming concert and 25-30 house guests, I’m pretty much in easy mode now for this holiday season.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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DnJ #2948720 12/24/23 07:14 PM
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Ah, Christmas Eve.

I will understand the pressure and pain this time of year can bring to those embroiled within a fresh situation. One’s wounds are exacerbated, and any new and tender healing is ripped opened yet again. Even those further along can experience sadness and sorrow during the season.

My first Christmas was horrible. Just two months past bomb drop. I suffered mostly shock and depression. The anguish was near indescribable to the uninitiated of such betrayal and family upheaval. I felt so alone.

And such is that first year. Every first special event - birthdays, anniversary, and so on - that first time walking it solo is so tough. It takes some getting used to. By the next, and the next; you get better and better.

Believe me, I’ve been there.

No one could take away my feelings of pain and depression. Not parents, not kids, not friends. It is a path, a journey one has to walk. And the shortest way through the bog is a straight line. Follow the counterintuitive advice and stick to the path. By the way, those emotions are perfectly normal and needed.

I certainly had a few moments of happiness in that first Christmas as well. My parents and kids and friends were all around. Of course they were likewise suffering too and we all supported each other. Looking back, it made us a stronger family.

I also had the very fine folks here. Kind, wise, posters with much hard-earned wisdom who had walked before me. Truly a godsend.

So, there I was, surrounded by love and caring, which at the time was felt no where to the depth of which it truly was and is.

To those starting out and struggling. (((Hugs))) I do care. You are loved. Hang in there. I know that it doesn’t feel it, yet it does get better. In fact, you might, likely even will, look back on this time as some of your finest moments.



Merry Christmas to you and your’s. May you find peace and comfort, love and joy, hope and faith. And all the best in the new year.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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