No cake eating. Friends with benefits, doesn’t benefit.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. I know how difficult that is. I really do. There is such a pain, such a pull, to our spouse. To the old normal.
Withdrawal hurts! Horribly!
The loss, especially the ripping away, of romantic love hurts like crazy. A real hurt. Our psyche manifests its pain physically within our chest. Heartbreak. My goodness, my heart and chest hurt, ceaselessly, for such a long time.
Withdrawal of one’s spouse and that relationship is a pain similar to heroin withdrawal (from what I’ve read). And so is the pull back. The pull to reconnect and get another hit. Your brain is hurting/screaming for the dopamine that once flowed so freely due to that relationship.
You are not weaponless in this fight. And make no mistake, this is a fight! With your own mind, your emotions. Your armament and defence is your logic and reason. Your intellect.
You control you. Thoughts, actions, and reactions. And no where does this come into play more then now. Control your thoughts with reason and logic. Read here. Read books. Speak with an IC. Take logical and reasoned actions based upon those rational thoughts and advice. Limit emotional reactionary outbursts and nonproductive actions.
Schedule times to feel. You have to feel this withdrawal. Make time, else it will overwhelm at sudden and inopportune times.
Do physical activity. You control your intellect and you physical actions. Go for a run. Dig a hole. Punch a punching bag. Sweat out your emotions, anger, and frustrations.
You control you.
Focus on you. No cake eating. Give W time and space. Go dim/dark.
Look, W is toying with you. Be it purposefully or not, matters not. It is not good for you.
She speaks of having feelings for you, but she can’t get over what you previously said and did. Look dl, she’s a hot mess. Let go.
She needs to feel the loss of you. I realize, so far, she just cuts out things and people for her life instead of dealing with it. It would be very understandable for you to be fearful of similar treatment as her Dad received. There is nothing you can do about that. You cannot control her, nor how she chooses to deal with, run away from, her emotions.
The more you keep going down this path, the more you push her to the door. Let go. Give her lots of time and space for her feelings to subside and maybe other feelings to stir within her. That is going to take longer than you want it to. Sorry man. It just is.
Focus on you. GAL. Live your life.
The path is so counterintuitive. Like I said when you first got here, the best fastest way to a possible reconciliation is in the opposite direction.
Get up. Dust off. And get back on track.
Stay strong. Logic and reason.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I think by now you realize that everything you did over the weekend pushed W further away.
Next time you are tempted, remember exactly how you're feeling right now. And promise yourself you won't repeat your mistakes.
Every single person I've seen get their WAS back on these boards did one thing - they let the WAS go (me included).
One thing that helped me was to think of what an alpha male would do in this situation. For instance, if James Bond's W decided to leave him, would he start chasing her? Absolutely not. He'd smile and dare her to find someone better. I'm not saying to act like a cocky A-hole. But you should quietly be giving off a vibe that you're excited about life without her. I'd start acting like I was excited about selling the house.
You've seen that it piques her interest when you're mysterious, right? So be mysterious FOREVER until she very clearly decides she hopes YOU will give her another chance. And anytime she tries to bait you in her robe, or hints at wanting you back in order for you to tell her what she wants to know - don't take the bait! Smile with a twinkle in your eye and walk away. She'll even get mad at you, that's totally OK because a woman has to respect you if she's ever going to love you. Let her be mad. Let her threaten. Let her go date OM (hint - she's less likely to date OM if you are acting like an alpha male). Ask yourself, what would James Bond do?
IF your wife decides she wants to come back, she will make it VERY CLEAR. She will literally pursue you, and sometimes even beg for another chance with you.
There are no shortcuts. If there were, this website wouldn't exist.
Face your fear, DL. I know it's the hardest thing you will ever do, I remember it well when I was going through it. Looking back, I wouldn't change a thing. This experience literally catapulted me into growing more than I ever thought possible. It will for you too, IF you tackle your emotions and remain non-reactive.
yea realizing that more and more as the days go on. No talking my way back into this one.
Originally Posted by DnJ
No cake eating. Friends with benefits, doesn’t benefit.
Agreed. and have been sticking to this thus far. Some development below on sight
Originally Posted by DnJ
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. I know how difficult that is. I really do. There is such a pain, such a pull, to our spouse. To the old normal.
Withdrawal hurts! Horribly!
The loss, especially the ripping away, of romantic love hurts like crazy. A real hurt. Our psyche manifests its pain physically within our chest. Heartbreak. My goodness, my heart and chest hurt, ceaselessly, for such a long time.
Withdrawal of one’s spouse and that relationship is a pain similar to heroin withdrawal (from what I’ve read). And so is the pull back. The pull to reconnect and get another hit. Your brain is hurting/screaming for the dopamine that once flowed so freely due to that relationship.
Yea I understand this now more. Its crazy how much the similarities are here. Just like this and wanting to feel closer and back on that emotional high. Having it rip from you feels like a detox (not that I would know in the drug sense). Just never realized how much emotions are raw and real!
Originally Posted by DnJ
You control you. Thoughts, actions, and reactions. And no where does this come into play more then now. Control your thoughts with reason and logic. Read here. Read books. Speak with an IC. Take logical and reasoned actions based upon those rational thoughts and advice. Limit emotional reactionary outbursts and nonproductive actions.
Yea I like what was said earlier. Emotional response is a short term thing and logical response is long term. Kind of stuck and something to think about before responding and reacting!
Originally Posted by DnJ
Schedule times to feel. You have to feel this withdrawal. Make time, else it will overwhelm at sudden and inopportune times.
Do physical activity. You control your intellect and you physical actions. Go for a run. Dig a hole. Punch a punching bag. Sweat out your emotions, anger, and frustrations.
Def need to do some scheduling. I feel it and it creeps on me and I do pretty good at holding it back but there are times that I just need to release in a sense all the emotional parts of it. Been back working out which has been great. and did alot of GAL over the weekend with friends. Great again. Just need to get on with things in my life at this point and starting a new job in 2 weeks may help.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Focus on you. No cake eating. Give W time and space. Go dim/dark.
working on this. been pulling back some more if I can. but sometimes I slip and fall back in because of the emotions. Def need to improve in this area.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Look, W is toying with you. Be it purposefully or not, matters not. It is not good for you.
She speaks of having feelings for you, but she can’t get over what you previously said and did. Look dl, she’s a hot mess. Let go.
She needs to feel the loss of you. I realize, so far, she just cuts out things and people for her life instead of dealing with it. It would be very understandable for you to be fearful of similar treatment as her Dad received. There is nothing you can do about that. You cannot control her, nor how she chooses to deal with, run away from, her emotions.
The more you keep going down this path, the more you push her to the door. Let go. Give her lots of time and space for her feelings to subside and maybe other feelings to stir within her. That is going to take longer than you want it to. Sorry man. It just is.
Interesting enough thats what I was trying to do somewhat. Went to bed last night and later on she comes up to my room and asks me if I knocked on her door (um nope). I can tell she wanted attention. She asked if I would rub her neck since with her medical condition she gets alot of tightness in her neck and pain in her ear. Of course I did rub her (maybe I shouldnt have and pushed her away). But felt she is someone I care for on a level that is more than our relationship to some extent. She said it doesnt change anything on how she feels (almost like she has to tell herself this multiple times to confirm it to herself). Afterwards, she asked if we could go grab a sandwich. So I obliged as I was hungry as well. Well we got to talking some. One of the things we like to do is ask random questions. She asked me what she could have done to improve our relationship to not let it get to this point. I told her communication. Not harboring feelings and being real with me about them. She said she tried talking to me. I told her I didnt feel like her talking wasnt noticeable enough for me to see or we would have addressed things on the spot. That lots of time women communicate with their spouses but dont get their attention when they do. So I wound up asking her the same thing back. She said for me to listen to her when she comes to me with important stuff. I validated by saying I understand how hurtful that would have been to not have someone you care about feeling like they are ignoring you on something serious to you. There was some other lite conversations. Well we got back to the house and before I walked up stairs she stopped me and gave me a comforting hug. Nothing was said. Just hugged for a minute and then went our separate ways.
Oddly enough I wake up this morning before my alarm goes off and she is laying in our bed kind of lightly sleeping! I was like umm whoa. She asked me if I was working out to which I said of course. She wanted the bed to herself for an hour. She has always loved our bed since we bought it earlier this year. I came back upstairs afterwards and showered and laid in bed as well. didnt touch her or anything. just laid there resting myself since it was a late night before I got to bed. She slept and I rested. She got up an hour later and went downstairs to get ready and leave and told me to have a great day on her way out the door. And she actually helped around the house before she left out. Which she hasnt been doing.
It does affect my emotions being around her but I felt better this time around. I felt myself pulling away emotionally and detaching some even with her laying there. I felt this was her decision and she hurt me in more ways than I could have imagined. I know she was and is hurting. I get that. But it goes both ways here. Fault lies on both sides. I didnt have the urge to just have cake eating with her. that was a win in itself. I do care for her as a person though and with her medical conditions I help if she needs some. I try to not offer or anything as I dont want to give her any impressions.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Focus on you. GAL. Live your life.
Def did more of this over the weekend than I have in a long time! just need to expand on it and keep doing it which I already have plans for more of it.
Originally Posted by DnJ
The path is so counterintuitive. Like I said when you first got here, the best fastest way to a possible reconciliation is in the opposite direction.
Get up. Dust off. And get back on track.
Stay strong. Logic and reason.
Agreed with you 100%. I see that pulling back makes her realize or at least question her decision. She admitted that talking with me hurts her because of the feelings she has. It will get worse here soon when she moves out. At least for her. I feel like that will only help me more with detaching. Thats been my focus mostly. I do slip but feel like days get better the more I pull back. try to think about things before I say them, at least for the most part. I do get the emotional responses from time to time and they usually tend to bite me in the butt. So realizing that I need to pull back and use logic here and focus on GAL and myself and what my future looks like and becoming a better man for myself 1st and if that helps in the R at all with the W then so be it. Just cant be doing all of these things in hopes that she will change her mind. Hope will leave you hanging.
hey Thor!! great advice here for sure. Like the mindset.
Originally Posted by Thornton
I think by now you realize that everything you did over the weekend pushed W further away.
yea I think she was surprised that I went out and did some GAL. I usually havent in years especially without her. It was bothering her to not know! haha
Originally Posted by Thornton
Next time you are tempted, remember exactly how you're feeling right now. And promise yourself you won't repeat your mistakes.
Work in progress every day here on this. But making strides at times.
Originally Posted by Thornton
Every single person I've seen get their WAS back on these boards did one thing - they let the WAS go (me included).
Yup agreed. I see how keeping her on her toes about things and pulling back helps. Its hard sticking to it at time but when I do I see the results!
Originally Posted by Thornton
One thing that helped me was to think of what an alpha male would do in this situation. For instance, if James Bond's W decided to leave him, would he start chasing her? Absolutely not. He'd smile and dare her to find someone better. I'm not saying to act like a cocky A-hole. But you should quietly be giving off a vibe that you're excited about life without her. I'd start acting like I was excited about selling the house.
You've seen that it piques her interest when you're mysterious, right? So be mysterious FOREVER until she very clearly decides she hopes YOU will give her another chance. And anytime she tries to bait you in her robe, or hints at wanting you back in order for you to tell her what she wants to know - don't take the bait! Smile with a twinkle in your eye and walk away. She'll even get mad at you, that's totally OK because a woman has to respect you if she's ever going to love you. Let her be mad. Let her threaten. Let her go date OM (hint - she's less likely to date OM if you are acting like an alpha male). Ask yourself, what would James Bond do?
Yup agreed. The Alpha male is something I am working on in focusing on myself again. I used to have that mindset somewhat but has slipped with more focus being on her in the recent years. I need to realize that I AM the catch here. I am def not trying to come off cocky but realizing my worth and what I have to offer has helped me. And realizing that life will go on and this is her choice to make and hers to break. I do like the Bond comparison though! haha Trying to find myself again and bringing back up confidence and self esteem. Lots of reasons why it got that way. but doesnt matter. Just need to bring it back for myself! One thing that has peaked her interest here is that she knows I may not be staying local with this new job being remote. That was always our plan anyways after S graduation next year. been some discussion on this and think she knows I am gone with or without her at this point in another year or 2 max (helping my 25 y.o. daughter get on her feet with her work and then she is moving away after). Gives me time to get my priorities straight and where I want to go and be and focusing on new job and myself.
Originally Posted by Thornton
IF your wife decides she wants to come back, she will make it VERY CLEAR. She will literally pursue you, and sometimes even beg for another chance with you.
yea I think if she decides she wants this again we will NOT be going down the same road like before I dont and refuse to do it. I will be setting boundaries. Still doing GAL. Still focusing on my own self improvement.
Originally Posted by Thornton
Face your fear, DL. I know it's the hardest thing you will ever do, I remember it well when I was going through it. Looking back, I wouldn't change a thing. This experience literally catapulted me into growing more than I ever thought possible. It will for you too, IF you tackle your emotions and remain non-reactive.
Agree with you here Thor!! def one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. but day by day and pulling back seems to help the most. All while building myself back up and picking up the pieces SHE broke. Focusing on myself and IC has helped. Have to get back to being myself again and if that brings her back then so be it. But I wont wait around for ever if at all!
Interesting enough thats what I was trying to do somewhat. Went to bed last night and later on she comes up to my room and asks me if I knocked on her door (um nope). I can tell she wanted attention. She asked if I would rub her neck since with her medical condition she gets alot of tightness in her neck and pain in her ear. Of course I did rub her (maybe I shouldnt have and pushed her away). But felt she is someone I care for on a level that is more than our relationship to some extent. She said it doesnt change anything on how she feels (almost like she has to tell herself this multiple times to confirm it to herself). Afterwards, she asked if we could go grab a sandwich. So I obliged as I was hungry as well. Well we got to talking some. One of the things we like to do is ask random questions. She asked me what she could have done to improve our relationship to not let it get to this point. I told her communication. Not harboring feelings and being real with me about them. She said she tried talking to me. I told her I didnt feel like her talking wasnt noticeable enough for me to see or we would have addressed things on the spot. That lots of time women communicate with their spouses but dont get their attention when they do. So I wound up asking her the same thing back. She said for me to listen to her when she comes to me with important stuff. I validated by saying I understand how hurtful that would have been to not have someone you care about feeling like they are ignoring you on something serious to you. There was some other lite conversations. Well we got back to the house and before I walked up stairs she stopped me and gave me a comforting hug. Nothing was said. Just hugged for a minute and then went our separate ways.
Oddly enough I wake up this morning before my alarm goes off and she is laying in our bed kind of lightly sleeping! I was like umm whoa. She asked me if I was working out to which I said of course. She wanted the bed to herself for an hour. She has always loved our bed since we bought it earlier this year. I came back upstairs afterwards and showered and laid in bed as well. didnt touch her or anything. just laid there resting myself since it was a late night before I got to bed. She slept and I rested. She got up an hour later and went downstairs to get ready and leave and told me to have a great day on her way out the door. And she actually helped around the house before she left out. Which she hasnt been doing.
It does affect my emotions being around her but I felt better this time around. I felt myself pulling away emotionally and detaching some even with her laying there. I felt this was her decision and she hurt me in more ways than I could have imagined. I know she was and is hurting. I get that. But it goes both ways here. Fault lies on both sides. I didnt have the urge to just have cake eating with her. that was a win in itself. I do care for her as a person though and with her medical conditions I help if she needs some. I try to not offer or anything as I dont want to give her any impressions.
You absolutely should not have rubbed her neck.
I know you think you did good, with the discussion about communication and then her falling asleep in the bed, but what you’ve done has affirmed to her that continue to look after her despite her treating you poorly.
Actions always speak louder than words. She’s still saying she’s leaving. Until she is sleeping in the bed every night and wants to reconcile, assume she is still proceeding with divorce.
I see a strong connection between your emotional happiness and having spent some time with her. Last few days you were spiralling, then you have had one good interaction with her, and now you feel much better.
This is the dopamine hit/drug user analogy that DNJ spoke about. I’d really caution against allowing if and how you interact with her to change your emotions, because it will keep reinforcing the “I’m happy when I have her.”
You really need to become emotionally impervious to her. You should feel the same whether she sleeps in the bed next to you for a few hours vs if you do something that makes her rage in anger at you. Completely disconnect your happiness from time or interactions with her.
Went to bed last night and later on she comes up to my room and asks me if I knocked on her door (um nope). I can tell she wanted attention.
Yep. Good to see your radar is working.
Originally Posted by dleague
She asked if I would rub her neck since with her medical condition she gets alot of tightness in her neck and pain in her ear. Of course I did rub her (maybe I shouldnt have and pushed her away).
You’re feeding her. Ego, narrative, justification, etc.
She’s fired you as husband. Pull back on providing emotional support. Be more a roommate, and without benefits.
Originally Posted by dleague
But felt she is someone I care for on a level that is more than our relationship to some extent.
This is justification for you to keep doing something you know you should cease. I mean do you see her coming over for a neck rub after the house is sold and you are living separately?
Originally Posted by dleague
She said it doesnt change anything on how she feels (almost like she has to tell herself this multiple times to confirm it to herself).
Exactly! And she’s told you this several times. Hold her to task on this. Implement a boundary on this disrespect. For you. Not as punishment or some manipulation. For your mental and emotional health.
Originally Posted by dleague
One of the things we like to do is ask random questions.
Detach. Let go. Be busy. Do something else.
Originally Posted by dleague
She asked me what she could have done to improve our relationship to not let it get to this point.
Such a bias based leading question. She’s walking you into answering in a specific way and furthering her justifications. No R-talks! Not for a long long time!
Originally Posted by dleague
I told her communication. Not harboring feelings and being real with me about them. She said she tried talking to me. I told her I didnt feel like her talking wasnt noticeable enough for me to see or we would have addressed things on the spot.
She’s knows all this. You’ve already told her several times. She not interesting in learning what you and her could have done to improve, she knows your answers and she is back to hear them again to reinforce whatever it is she takes from it. Stop telling her. It hasn’t stopped her pushing for separating, nor is altering her feelings, as she keeps telling you and herself. She is using your words against what your are after.
Her point of view is obvious in the manner in which she asks her question. “Could have done to improve our relationship, to not let it get to this point.” That promotes and furthers her feelings of credence that the relationship was poor, and it is actually at a point. Some point of no return. Anything you say, confirming or refuting, will get morphed/warped to reinforce her viewpoint.
Originally Posted by dleague
I wake up this morning before my alarm goes off and she is laying in our bed kind of lightly sleeping! I was like umm whoa.
Want a 180? Put a lock on the door. Go to bed. Go to sleep. And don’t answer the door. You didn’t order a pizza. There ain’t some Amazon package getting delivered. You know who it is. Tell her, I’m going to sleep. Talk to you tomorrow.
From where I sit, W is saying conflicting things, feeling many things, and her actions are chaotic. Give her space to sort out herself. When she comes by to see if you knocked on her door, she knows you didn’t. She’s feeling something. Maybe some regret, some wee “hey, maybe I’m going down the wrong road here”. Let her feel that. And don’t relieve her of it, nor take it from her. Let that rest fully upon her head and shoulders.
Originally Posted by dleague
I see that pulling back makes her realize or at least question her decision. She admitted that talking with me hurts her because of the feelings she has.
Good. Do more of what works, and less of what doesn’t. Pull way back.
Something for you: My friends don’t treat me this way.
Think about that. It’s also a good truth dart to toss into one of those conversations.
Is W’s behaviour that of a friend?
People will treat you as you allow them to.
You can care about her, even love her, and yet not like her. It’s ok.
Be a cordial, kind, roommate.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I know you think you did good, with the discussion about communication and then her falling asleep in the bed, but what you’ve done has affirmed to her that continue to look after her despite her treating you poorly.
Actions always speak louder than words. She’s still saying she’s leaving. Until she is sleeping in the bed every night and wants to reconcile, assume she is still proceeding with divorce.
I see a strong connection between your emotional happiness and having spent some time with her. Last few days you were spiralling, then you have had one good interaction with her, and now you feel much better.
This is the dopamine hit/drug user analogy that DNJ spoke about. I’d really caution against allowing if and how you interact with her to change your emotions, because it will keep reinforcing the “I’m happy when I have her.”
You really need to become emotionally impervious to her. You should feel the same whether she sleeps in the bed next to you for a few hours vs if you do something that makes her rage in anger at you. Completely disconnect your happiness from time or interactions with her.
Yea I totally agree that I probably shouldnt have rubbed her neck. Still pulls at my heart strings being around her. And yup she is still full on steam with the D. It was like this morning she woke up and realized she was vulnerable last night and snapped out of it and went back into the mode of getting this done and over with. There was a moment though where we connected last night. No cake eating but the affection was still there. She knows it. She is trying to not let it get to her. But its getting to me when I'm around her. like DnJ said its that drug and feels good but in the end its not solving anything and just makes things worse. She needs to fully miss me but that wont happen I dont think until we are living apart and she realizes things.
I agree with you as well on the connection between my happiness and being with her. Have a hard time disconnecting when it feels like things are going good in conversation and she lets herself be vulnerable. But in the end she is still full steam ahead and pushing things to get done. I have to figure out how to break that cycle and what that looks like. I struggle with that. How do you disconnect????
You’re feeding her. Ego, narrative, justification, etc.
She’s fired you as husband. Pull back on providing emotional support. Be more a roommate, and without benefits.
Yea I realize that now. Not something I think of in the moment. She seems to be easier to detach than I am. Oddly enough she has girl friends at work that rub her neck and she said they cant do it as good as I can. Im sure that is just something she says to keep me holding on though.
Originally Posted by DnJ
This is justification for you to keep doing something you know you should cease. I mean do you see her coming over for a neck rub after the house is sold and you are living separately?
I honestly feel like she knows this is going to be a mistake and she may not realize how big until she is out on her own. She has talked about so much of how she is going to struggle. I honestly see her wanting to come back maybe eventually. But I cant rely on that and nor will I wait on that. Once I get out of this house, then I think things will be better. So many memories and emotions tied to this house and just reminds me of all the good things we had and that there may be a sliver of hope somewhere. BUt its false hope I feel like.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Exactly! And she’s told you this several times. Hold her to task on this. Implement a boundary on this disrespect. For you. Not as punishment or some manipulation. For your mental and emotional health.
Yea def struggle here with creating boundaries. How do you create a boundary and block out the emotional stuff and not let it get to you. She says stuff like "this doesn't change anything" and then proceeds to get her needs met. Meanwhile Im the one left holding the bag of emotional mess.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Such a bias based leading question. She’s walking you into answering in a specific way and furthering her justifications. No R-talks! Not for a long long time!
She’s knows all this. You’ve already told her several times. She not interesting in learning what you and her could have done to improve, she knows your answers and she is back to hear them again to reinforce whatever it is she takes from it. Stop telling her. It hasn’t stopped her pushing for separating, nor is altering her feelings, as she keeps telling you and herself. She is using your words against what your are after.
Her point of view is obvious in the manner in which she asks her question. “Could have done to improve our relationship, to not let it get to this point.” That promotes and furthers her feelings of credence that the relationship was poor, and it is actually at a point. Some point of no return. Anything you say, confirming or refuting, will get morphed/warped to reinforce her viewpoint.
Yea I never looked at this way. You're right though. I have told her these things many times and it doesnt need repeated. She knows how I feel and where things could have improved. Never thought about it validating her reasoning for wanting to walk. BUt I can see how it would looking back on it now.
Originally Posted by DnJ
From where I sit, W is saying conflicting things, feeling many things, and her actions are chaotic. Give her space to sort out herself. When she comes by to see if you knocked on her door, she knows you didn’t. She’s feeling something. Maybe some regret, some wee “hey, maybe I’m going down the wrong road here”. Let her feel that. And don’t relieve her of it, nor take it from her. Let that rest fully upon her head and shoulders.
Yea I know this is hitting hard for her right now since we have potential real buyers on the house and if not its getting listed this week. She actually left tonight to go stay at her friends house because she doesnt want to sleep on the couch anymore after she had a taste of sleeping back in our bed this morning. Plus she said her stomach is in knots from all of this and she needs to get away to help her cope with things. She isnt doing any healing. She is deflecting and not working on herself in that way. She is def acting chaotic in the sense that she is trying to rationalize her feelings and she is constantly going back on her feelings but fighting them because she feels like this is something she has to do for some reason. only because I have said things that have hurt her in the past and she cant let those go according to her. Its a struggle watching her go down this path.
She talks about the struggles she is going to encounter when she is going to be living on her own. Just lots of ways. How she has to harbor money from the divorce because she is worried she may get sick again and be out of work. She talked again tonight about how she hates her job and has to figure out what her options are there. She knows damn well that she had the option to stay with me and she wouldnt even have to work or worry about medical or financial things. She is heading down this winding road as fast as she can in an 18 wheeler. As someone who cares for her, its tough to watch because I do want to protect her. But trying to come to terms with that I need to let her fall before she realizes things. Hell she may not even come back then as stubborn as she is. But that cant be my priority and I struggle with it not being because of the connection. How do I break that so I dont care or try to stop it???
Originally Posted by DnJ
People will treat you as you allow them to.
You can care about her, even love her, and yet not like her. It’s ok.
Truth there. I do care. I do love her. I don't like the way she is acting and the chaos she is creating though. She has steam rolled me during this whole thing. Giving me constant false hope. Saying one thing one minute and then doing another. Its just played with my emotions and has me torn. I have to find out how to disconnect and pull back more. I struggle here with that part.
off to another session of IC. Sometimes I wonder if the therapy helps. I feel like it does but not sure if its real or just me trying to make it somehow real.
Oddly enough she has girl friends at work that rub her neck and she said they cant do it as good as I can. Im sure that is just something she says to keep me holding on though.
Garden variety manipulation. Very straight forward. Women know what makes men tick, and they will happily use it to their advantage.
Quote
I honestly feel like she knows this is going to be a mistake and she may not realize how big until she is out on her own. She has talked about so much of how she is going to struggle.
Lots of people come here saying the same thing.
It’s very unlikely that 5 years down the road she says “This was a big mistake.” Never pin your hopes on that. You need to work out how to be okay with that never happening. My ex-wife’s life is a train wreck. I’m about to remarry to the love of my life, and she’s sleeping on the floor at her parent’s house and can’t make ends meet. Do you think she’s come along and said “I stuffed up, leaving you was a big mistake!”? Hell no!! She’s now on social media claiming she was a victim of domestic violence to try and justify her decision. Says she loved me but had to leave 😂
People who break marriages will have a narrative. They will most likely double down and strengthen it, not take responsibility for their actions.
Be really wary of “Everyone around me says she is making a big mistake” or “maybe she knows she’s making a big mistake” type statements. They aren’t helpful and are more about you and your headspace (and wanting validation) than anything else.
She has said she might struggle because she’s checking her backup plan. She is fishing for you to say “I’ll always be there for you if life gets hard.”
Best response “You sound worried about the future. I know I’m going to be great no matter what 😎”
Quote
off to another session of IC. Sometimes I wonder if the therapy helps. I feel like it does but not sure if it’s real or just me trying to make it somehow real.
Try a different IC. It’s very common to need to try a few before you find one that clicks. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but then you should start to see some significant progress pretty quickly.
It’s very unlikely that 5 years down the road she says “This was a big mistake.” Never pin your hopes on that. You need to work out how to be okay with that never happening. My ex-wife’s life is a train wreck. I’m about to remarry to the love of my life, and she’s sleeping on the floor at her parent’s house and can’t make ends meet. Do you think she’s come along and said “I stuffed up, leaving you was a big mistake!”? Hell no!! She’s now on social media claiming she was a victim of domestic violence to try and justify her decision. Says she loved me but had to leave 😂
People who break marriages will have a narrative. They will most likely double down and strengthen it, not take responsibility for their actions. ...
Best response “You sound worried about the future. I know I’m going to be great no matter what 😎”
DL:
Read this over and over. Let it sink in. One of the most important things you'll hear.
Most of us play these kinds of scenarios out in our head at one time or another.
It is highly unlikely she will admit error. As Kind says, she has her story and she is going to stick to it, even if she ends up riding the highway to hell (apologies to AC/DC).
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
