H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[Ready2Change]

Lets imagine you are soo busy this weekend having fun that you forgot you had a phone. Sometime Monday you remember that you had a phone. You look at it and see all kinds of messages from H. Then before you respond, something more important comes up, so you set your phone down and start doing the important thing.

Everything is more important than interacting with H. He has fired you as his W.


IF he shows up at your house to check on you, you validate his emotional state, most likely ANGER.

You STFU, and listen.

These are your validating statements:
W, "You sound angry."
W, "I understand you feel that way"
W, "I bet it is hard to feel that way"


H:"Why didn't you answer my texts?"
W"I was busy"


Be the first to end the convos or interaction:
W:"I have something important to do. Goodby"


W:"I am meeting someone in 10 minutes, I have to go"
H:"Who?"
W:"You don't know them"

[Ready2Change]

Look here:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

For:
WOMEN:become assertive

Read it ASAP.

[Ready2Change]

PS: Take a break from your sitch. Have a great weekend.

HUGS

[KangaB]

Hi RtC,

Thank you soooo much for the great advice. I had to look up STFU!!! And yes I have. 💪🏼💪🏼 And one of the great things is that you led me to ‘Why Men Love Bitches’, Sherry Arcov. I already have this and I read it cover to cover yesterday. Boy, it propelled me, but this morning I’m teetering.

I bought this book in the beginning of our relationship because I honestly couldn’t work out why H was so submissive to XW and why she was powerful to him. XW was a bully to him and she would scream at him—it was awful and then they would fight and argue. Why the heck I stayed in this situation when I found out he wasn’t divorce, only separated. It is one of my greatest shames and look where it has led to. They just haven’t had closure, nor it seems do they want to and I’ve allowed myself to be taken along on the worst journey of my life.

Back to the book. I only took note of the first half of the book and skimmed the rest because we weren’t in a long-term relationship. What I remembered yesterday is that I did apply these techniques and transformed myself and learned a lot about being attractive to H. Consequently, XW had lost her power and she started to become desperate and started sending us texts that she was so lonely. She would come around and cry because our relationship had strengthened and she had no power anymore—until now (and it is partly my fault). I have lost the techniques along the way—obviously, because that is why I’m here and I have become a doormat. I have now highlighted text in this book to add strength to my 180’s.

Is it ever too late to save a M?

Meanwhile, back to RtC’s recommendations on enjoying my weekend ignoring my phone…

As H and I normally catch up on weekends, H assumed (after treating me poorly all week because I set boundaries) that he would come over. H sent a text and said “Would you like me to come over or what?” I told H, I was having a girly night in and if he wanted to come across he could come with me to have fish and chips at our favourite spot at the beach (where he proposed to me). I didn’t even think about it, it was just somewhere I wanted to go because the swell was huge. My invite generated a rage from him because he saw me as ‘ho hum’ about it all and seeing him. He told me he never wants to see that shitty place again and find someone else to take there. There were many more texts of rage and spew and I answered with (sparingly), “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way…!” etc. One of the momentous texts I got was, “I don’t need you anyway, I have others in my life that think I’m important!”

I tried so hard to leave my phone and get on with it and the Rage texts went on and on into the night. I eventually told H (in a nutshell) that I don’t care for his raging anymore… I’m not some POS that is going to be treated with disrespect and if you don’t have anything nice to say please don’t contact me anymore. He raged for another two texts asking me why I don’t to divorce him. That statement or the equivalent is one of H’s go to’s when he is out of the M.

My question is… with all this spittle, does it mean my boundaries really are working and is he trying to disclose his guilt over EA contact with XW?

I’m not sure why I need to know, I think it would just give me a little bit more confidence that I’m changing the dynamic. I’m sure the readers are nodding yes, but I can’t see the forest.

I’m determined today to have NC with H whatsoever. I have to contact him tomorrow about financial matters.

Oh I need more wisdom. Many thanks to those who have already offered it.

Kanga

[KangaB]

Just to clarify fish and chips with H was to be tomorrow, girly night in the night before. 😅

[Valeska19]

Is it ever too late to save a M?

The short answer is no BUT you also have to be willing to let it go in order to do so.

As H and I normally catch up on weekends, H assumed (after treating me poorly all week because I set boundaries) that he would come over. H sent a text and said “Would you like me to come over or what?” I told H, I was having a girly night in and if he wanted to come across he could come with me to have fish and chips at our favourite spot at the beach (where he proposed to me). I didn’t even think about it, it was just somewhere I wanted to go because the swell was huge. My invite generated a rage from him because he saw me as ‘ho hum’ about it all and seeing him. He told me he never wants to see that shitty place again and find someone else to take there. There were many more texts of rage and spew and I answered with (sparingly), “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way…!” etc. One of the momentous texts I got was, “I don’t need you anyway, I have others in my life that think I’m important!”

Sounds like you need to step up the boundaries on yourself and quit engaging so much.

I tried so hard to leave my phone and get on with it and the Rage texts went on and on into the night. I eventually told H (in a nutshell) that I don’t care for his raging anymore… I’m not some POS that is going to be treated with disrespect and if you don’t have anything nice to say please don’t contact me anymore. He raged for another two texts asking me why I don’t to divorce him. That statement or the equivalent is one of H’s go to’s when he is out of the M.

Let's flip the script... instead of asking your H to take care of you - how could you have taken care of yourself better during this. Turning off the phone? Blocking his texts for the night? What prevents you from doing so? Why are his needs more important than you be spoken to w/ respect?

My question is… with all this spittle, does it mean my boundaries really are working and is he trying to disclose his guilt over EA contact with XW?

1. No. It means he can't regulate his emotions and is spewing all over you
2. Boundaries are not for him. They are for YOU. As long as they are the him - they will fail. It is true that boundaries will change a dynamic of a relationship but you have to stand firm in the decisions that best serve you. If thats no text - raging... make it so. It's time to take back your power.

I’m determined today to have NC with H whatsoever. I have to contact him tomorrow about financial matters.

This is a good first step. Try holding yourself to your boundaries before you expect others to do the same.

(( KB ))

[Kind18]

Kind18 has pinched me a couple of times.

You’re giving me a complex 😂

I’ve got a few ideas for things to think about and do … I’ll try and post when I have more time.

[KangaB]

Valeska thanks for your honesty!

I’m am going to answer your questions. I really had to think about them and what you’ve written. I never thought I was manipulative but I’ve been thinking things over a lot and I realise a lot of my communication has been nagging (even thought I talk lowly, it’s still nagging), reacting and probably thinking I’m setting boundaries but actually doing so to punish. Without meaning to. I just haven’t really got the hang of looking after myself and putting my needs first and being nice about it. Like you all say here—that seems counter-intuitive. Oh this is making me squirm but I’m set on cleaning up my side.

Your answers:

Turning off the phone? Blocking his texts for the night? What prevents you from doing so? Why are his needs more important than you be spoken to w/ respect?

I don’t turn off my phone as it’s my main source of communication between my elderly parents and me. I have not had the guts to block texts actually because of the reaction I think I MAY get. I’m being really honest here and it’s uncomfortable to recognise this, and I suppose it’s been such a habit to put his needs first—growing up in a Patriarchal family situation. I tend to lose myself in worshipping a man when I’ve fallen. Mimicking a trait that I see in my mother. It doesn’t get her anywhere neither.

Oh boy, I’m trying though. I must admit I’m slightly enjoying the shift in dynamic as I’m setting my new boundaries, even though they are supposed to be for me. I feel 1/1000th of what I used to be like in the beginning of our courtship when I had some sass.

Kanga

[KangaB]

Anytime Kind, I welcome your feedback.

Kanga 😊

[KangaB]

An update on what happened yesterday. So… I’ve been trying to set boundaries (lessening my contact to have a good rest, not answering texts nor picking up the phone too quickly). In fact, I stuck to my plan by not contacting H at all yesterday.

And then, I get a knock at the door, I look down and there is a baby bid wrapped in a T-shirt and as I walk down through my garden I see H walking off to his car which was parked at the entrance of my driveway. I yelled out to him to say hi and he explained why he was there. It was a manipulation on his part to check up on me and to make me feel guilty for not wanting our regular time together. H just isn’t acting right at the moment. Normally, I would give in and just ask him to come inside and then I know he would stay and then we would be back to ‘normal’ which was his plan. I started to ask him to come back and then I realised I was falling for an old pattern, so I let him go. I didn’t cause any of what he was doing. I didn’t chase after him, I didn’t text nor call. I let him go. Later, I eventually replied to his text and said goodnight without bringing up any of his odd behaviour, realising he already feels crappy about himself, why make it worse. Hooray, I think I learned something!

Today…

I needed to talk to H about financial matters and I was desperate to call him because it was pressing; but I didn’t. It was a concern of H’s; not mine and I decided to let him call me (I worked out that I need not be more concerned about his life than he is) and then I would bring up what I had to say. H eventually tried to bait me into an argument and I kept my cool. He then asked me 3 times if I wanted a divorce and I said no. He asked me if I was having an affair. He asked me if I had met someone. I reassured him—I told him no to all and that I was committed to our marriage. H told me he can’t work me out and I told him that I’m just needing and wanting some time to myself and rest after a huge couple of weeks. I told him I had to get off the phone. H got angry because I wanted to go. I stood firm and insisted that I had to go and I got off the phone regardless of how he felt. H then sent me texts telling me how much he loves me and how he can’t imagine being with anyone else etc. He told me he misses me etc.

My cautious take on all of this is the dynamic is shifting, I’m starting to refocus back onto me and H is noticing. I just got off the phone tonight with H (he called and I said I would call him back later which I did) and I noticed he has lost his XW’s accent. Truly amazing! Yay!

Okay, so now where to go from here? How do I keep the DBing and all that it entails and keep my communication going with H and keep the momentum going, even though he is STILL cake eating?

Kanga