H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[Cadet]

The hardest thing is doing the 180’s, going dark and GAL when he comes back into the marriage monetarily. I get blindsided by the closeness and smacked in the head when he is gone again.

Ah... cake eating.

DNJ gave you good advice I agree with it all.

[KangaB]

Hi Cadet and DnJ,

Oh my gosh yes… that was sound advice from DnJ. Everything you said DnJ is absolutely what is going on. I thought I was the only one going through this. Seems H is almost Textbook. H changes his feelings depending on the wind direction.

Only just now I have had the strangest encounter with him and I took the bait badly. I text him this morning to say I will call at lunchtime as I’m not picking up the phone in the mornings like I usually do. I’m making myself very busy, too busy to talk (which most of the time I am. I just take calls from H). I also said I have a phone app (meaning phone appointment), he text and said “phone app??” So I clarified. Five mins later I get a text that just said “P”. I always thought P was a cheeky, flirty gesture. So I text back with “P? Or was that meant for someone else?” And he wrote back “meant for someone else and I told them I need to P.” I text “that’s intimate” and he said “I didn’t want them to watch me pee!”

So after an hour or so I rang back and we made small talk and I promised to myself I wouldn’t ask what the texts meant, but of course I did. I tried to ask in a teasing way. He got so angry and said “I’m so sick of you accusing me and thinking I’m having an affair… I’m sick of it!”… And hung up. He then text me how awful I am for accusing him of having an affair. I haven’t asked him whether he has been having an affair with XW for well over a few years.

Did he just project and expose something? It makes me so confused. I just feel gaslighted. Stupidly I text and said “well if I had of text those exact words, you would have asked me in the same way what it all meant!” He just kept replying “I’m sick of you accusing me!” Which I haven’t and never suggested.

Here I’m thinking I’m setting terrific boundaries. He was sending abusive texts the other night because I didn’t answer him in the right way. So I just went dark. Eventually he apologised and I then felt I could be in contact with him up until this morning with me still going dark. For those who are just reading, H and I spend 4 nights together and 3 apart. Lately he has been lessening the time together—hmmmmmm. All of it is just making feel paranoid and downright crazy. I just know he baited me so he could go off at me to push me away. Would anyone else agree that it was projection?

Meanwhile…

Just hopped off the phone to my counsellor as well and she has absolutely agreed with everything that you have suggested DnJ and Cadet. C thinks I should not at all trust XW and have involvement with her and thinks she is just enmeshed as H is.

Here are the things that I’ve done this week as 180’s and boundaries:

- Lessen contact with H’s family (going dark). FIL in hospital and have sent a short text to him and SIL. Usually I would ring SIL and offer my support and try and call FIL
- I’m keeping busy, catching up on jobs around my home (I work from home)
- Resting a lot (as my work is at times very physical and the stress of this makes me exhausted)
- Hanging up on H when he starts to get angry. No trying to fix him and cajole him out so we can talk about essential things like money. Just let the chips fall as they may
- Not doing any work for him like managing finances like I normally would
- Getting on here and posting
- Not talking to SIL about H
- Not phoning him, but letting him contact me
- Really trying not to react
- Talking low and soft and cheerful
- Not reacting to him talking with the same accent as his XW and his different pronunciation of words etc. This drives me soooo mad. I used to say something and it would lead into arguments.

C thinks that at some point there will be a crisis and I agree. We both think that H and XW will ‘accidentally’ sleep together or something of the effect. I feel this is only the beginning of their enmeshment and I’m so disappointed that I reacted to his stupid text messages this morning because I feel it was a set up.

I actually thinks it’s getting to H—all this lying and double life stuff. He says he is really unhappy (but very quick to point out that is not unhappy with me). I say [censored]. I just can’t trust him and there is a very small part of me that wants to believe that he is not lying to me. I just can’t imagine XW telling me all about the contact they’re having behind my back as lies. She doesn’t have to lie to me and in fact, I’m sure it would be a great satisfaction for her to tell me the truth as it puts in a position of power.

I’ve decided to stand in my marriage for at least a year and declared that conversations with XW and finding out H is lying to me as the official BD.

Kanga

[KangaB]

I know I have to get out of their way to hit rock bottom… I told my C they were both selfish [censored]! It’s so hard to get out of the way. GOW to GAL—that is my goal. Btw, I live in a very isolated area where I don’t see a lot of people. Does anyone have any recommendations on GAL with no opportunities to socialise. I do Karate once a week. Actually… no, I can visit neighbours. I just want to show H, I have a dazzling life without him. That’s just my pride.

Thanks DnJ for letting me know about my flashing envelope. It’s a cute defect that makes me feel I’ve got mail.

Kanga 😊

[Kind18]

I just want to show H, I have a dazzling life without him. That’s just my pride.

GAL is for you. Keep you busy, build your confidence, increase social interaction, develop interests, meet new people.

It’s never to manipulate your spouse.

[KangaB]

Thanks Kind… a gentle reminder!

[DnJ]

Good Morning Kanga

I live in a very isolated area where I don’t see a lot of people.

Oh, sounds wonderful.

I love small town living on my ten acre plot surrounded by farm land. My closest neighbour is almost half mile from me. I much prefer the country lifestyle over the city.

Does anyone have any recommendations on GAL with no opportunities to socialize.

Go for a walk or hike. Although saunter more captures the “smell the roses” tenet / lifestyle I seek.

Gardening, golf, do a puzzle, star gazing, biking, fly a kite (ain’t no city folk flying a kite in their backyard), cut the grass, baking, oh wait deep fryer (yes, yes, yes, mmmm), get out your remote controlled gas powered 1/8th scale monster truck… err, that last one is mine. Maybe your’s too. R/C is pretty fun! (Deep frying, so tasty. Lol)

Dig out those old hobbies you put away during life, marriage, work, and such. Try ‘em. It’s surprising how fun some of them still are.

And laugh. It’s ok to to still have fun.

Have a great fry day. (Get it? Friday)

D

[Cadet]

He then text me how awful I am for accusing him of having an affair.

You likely hit the nail squarely on the head since he is protesting so much.
Again how do you know that he is lying - his lips are moving.

SO

Now that you have this information what is gained from continuing to act on it?

It is best for you to go as dark as possible and STOP interacting with him.

Here are the things that I’ve done this week as 180’s and boundaries:

- Lessen contact with H’s family (going dark). FIL in hospital and have sent a short text to him and SIL. Usually I would ring SIL and offer my support and try and call FIL
- I’m keeping busy, catching up on jobs around my home (I work from home)
- Resting a lot (as my work is at times very physical and the stress of this makes me exhausted)
- Hanging up on H when he starts to get angry. No trying to fix him and cajole him out so we can talk about essential things like money. Just let the chips fall as they may
- Not doing any work for him like managing finances like I normally would
- Getting on here and posting
- Not talking to SIL about H
- Not phoning him, but letting him contact me
- Really trying not to react
- Talking low and soft and cheerful
- Not reacting to him talking with the same accent as his XW and his different pronunciation of words etc. This drives me soooo mad. I used to say something and it would lead into arguments.

PERFECT

Keep doing these things

[KangaB]

Just a quick update on my sitch, experimenting with going dark. Last night H text me to ask me if I was going to stop not trusting him and stop accusing him of things he hasn’t done (which I never did). And the nerve of him when he is lying to me! I didn’t reply to any of it and simply went through the evening reading and going to bed. Normally, I would feel the need to reply and justify. Usually, when we are apart, we talk for a few hours of a night on the phone and say goodnight when things are good and he is in the M. I have been going to bed early all week and ignored his texts even if he saying goodnight.

This morning I was feeling low and obsessed with it all so I got reading on the Beginner’s links and cheat sheets and read them all. I decided to validate his comments via text and wrote:

I am sorry that what was said made you angry (when I asked about his baited texts from yesterday teasing me about flirting with someone)… It was uncalled for to ask questions over some silly texts. I really hope the sale goes well today.

Here is my win with going dark and validating (a text from H)

So do I. Thanks x

He has not signed off on a kiss with texts for years except when he is saying goodnight and in the M.

Who hoo!

[KangaB]

DnJ so thankful for the heads up. I get so consumed by this, I really forget all the options around me and I do have a lot. There is plenty to do and see. I will get there. I don’t know about anyone else, but the stress has left me lacking inspiration and imagination. I’m a former Creative professional now farmer and I have been so consumed and lost my Creative mojo. This I have to accept for now.

I realise that yes I need to GAL, but first things first for me is rest and recovery and my body and mind will ease their way into being energised.

One thing I have done this week is cleaned out all my Kitchen cupboards and pantry and making way for a new set of Cooking appliances (including air fryer) as both my oven and microwave blew up last weekend. Mysterious Spirit of the Universe stuff.

Another thing I’m doing is ramping up my spirituality. I’m journaling (I was always dead against it). I have discovered that for me journaling is taking notes on the iPhone. I also am praying a lot. That’s my way of getting out of the way.

Don’t know about anyone else, but I get hooked on the threads here and love reading the situations. Wonderful concept—thanks Michele.

Kanga

[KangaB]

Cadet please keep telling me his lips are moving that is how I know he is lying. And keep bonking me over the head with it.

I don’t want to be in denial anymore. I start to feel sorry for H at times and accept crappy behaviour. If I keep remembering what it was like when he first pursued me right in the beginning, he was extremely capable of doing and saying the right things. And as hard as it is to admit, (ruminating the words of XW from last week when she told me how wonderful and supportive H has been to her recently), he is freaking doing that with another woman!!!

For God’s sakes… I need the honesty and the pinches on the arm from you all. Kind18 has pinched me a couple of times.

Kanga (Queen of Denial)