I asked her what’s holding her back at this point after having moved out months ago and she says she is “scared of knowing we won’t be together.” Quite the cognitive dissonance.
Oh goodness URS0. As a female I can assure you when we know we want something we do it. She’s just keeping her options open( I guess like all these WAS we deal with). I should half expect the same thing from my WAH in the future.
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
W still hasn't made any official steps towards D. When I told her I was ready to collaborate on this and preferred to pursue mediation as a means to wrap this up she seemed taken aback. Now she says she has a consultation with a lawyer at the "end of the month."
The fact that after 8 months of separation and having moved her things to another state she has not once explored what divorce actually looks like blows my mind.
I am so tired. I don't recognize her anymore. I still love her (or the person I remember) but I don't have any hopes of reconciliation as she appears to no longer be a serious person capable of being a partner.
This is a really important distinction and indicates you understand what’s going on here.
It’s also the reason that stops many, many people on this site from DBing successfully and moving forward with their life. It’s been said once, it’s been said a thousand times - the person you once knew and loved is no-longer there, and what you covet (the old relationship with the old person) is simply not possible. Most times, that person that used to be has gone forever.
I realized that our wedding anniversary recently came and went without me noticing. I consider this a sign that my DBing efforts have been successful and I am on a good path. Another reminder to anyone out there who is really struggling right now that things do get better.
Was cleaning out a closet yesterday in preparation for my upcoming move. Stumbled across a card from W given to me on our 5th anniversary. This would have been just 15 months before BD.
- “I’m so happy to have you in my life…” - “I want to spend all of my life with you.” - “You are my best friend and I love you so so much.” - “I wish us all the happiness in the world as we walk towards the future - always together.”
I know that her current view of our shared history is a strange reimagined fiction that does not comport with reality. But there is something particularly jarring about reading her own words from a not so distant past. The pain of the loss continues to diminish each week but the mystery of what actually transpired to provoke her sudden flight remains. I suspect it always will. I’m trying to accept that.
In other news, I’m moving cross country in 5 weeks. Slowly packing things up and doing all the logistical things that the process entails. It’s somewhat bittersweet but I am excited to open a new chapter.
Was cleaning out a closet yesterday in preparation for my upcoming move. Stumbled across a card from W given to me on our 5th anniversary. This would have been just 15 months before BD.
- “I’m so happy to have you in my life…” - “I want to spend all of my life with you.” - “You are my best friend and I love you so so much.” - “I wish us all the happiness in the world as we walk towards the future - always together.”
I know that her current view of our shared history is a strange reimagined fiction that does not comport with reality. But there is something particularly jarring about reading her own words from a not so distant past. The pain of the loss continues to diminish each week but the mystery of what actually transpired to provoke her sudden flight remains. I suspect it always will. I’m trying to accept that.
In other news, I’m moving cross country in 5 weeks. Slowly packing things up and doing all the logistical things that the process entails. It’s somewhat bittersweet but I am excited to open a new chapter.
I have gone through the same thing, so I know how you feel. Doing lots of cleaning out and sorting, I also discovered a lot of this old stuff. Cards I sent her from the early days of our relationship, old emails I sent, cards she sent me. Back in the "old days," she even printed out and stashed a lot of my early emails. I found a folder with those in a drawer.
I'm removing whatever she sent me, but leaving behind what is hers. Most likely, when she goes through the drawers, she'll find it and realize she had forgotten about it, and just toss it out. Maybe she'll look at it briefly and it will remind her of her "old self." Who knows.
The hard reality is that people are imperfect and sometimes inscrutable beings. We live a life where most of the time, we are oblivious to how much our comfortable existence actually rests on a knife edge. I am at the point where I also am looking forward with curiosity rather than fear. What you are doing is the right thing. The future is rife with possibility. We should all embrace it.
Best of all, it's clear that you still believe in those values that made her say those things to you back then. Hold on tight to them and don't build a wall around your heart. Those values make you a person of integrity, and that will serve you well.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Feeling sad today. At the beginning of August I realized there was no relationship to continue standing for. I’m proud of the way I handled those long, terrible first 8 months, but I no longer saw healthy reason to carry on. At that point I offered to help with the divorce she claimed to want so badly and encouraged mediation. Of course it would have been to logical for W to have welcomed this offering. Seems that is not in the cards. She say she needs a lawyer for security and to protect her rights. I always knew this was a possible outcome but it’s still so sad that she is so far gone that she thinks I am out to get her in some way. You just can’t win in these situations it seems.
I’m so sorry to hear about your sadness URSO. I’m in the same boat and know how it feels. I stood for 9 months and lived in limbo and H constantly just coasting along and not doing any of his own work or work to relationship. I too decided to “give him what he wants” and instigated legal talks again after he was just throwing the words around. He had a hissy fit and decided to take a job relocation on the other side of the globe. So I know what that sadness feels today, the fact we couldn’t stand anymore. But there comes a point where we have to turn our focus on ourselves and put ourselves first instead of putting our messed up spouses first. It sounds like your W is also having her version of a hissy fit by making your life difficult with lawyers. They hate losing control. I can see that now. H hates that I had said “let’s legalise this separation sell the house and go our seperate ways and coparent”. H decided “nope I need to cause maximum damage time to flee because I don’t like this”. I’m not sure if your W is in MLC mode too but it really is a sad state of mind I think you need to remember that out of all of this we are the success. We have stood, we have grown we have evolved and we were not the ones who ended the marriage and walked away. They did at BD, and they also did every single day when we would give 100% effort to save and stand and they would give 0%. We are the success. It’s okay to be sad after making the right decision
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
