So the latest update in the world of crazy MLC/limerant H!
I didn't meet him last week because he cancelled after getting back together with OW. Son & daughter were forthright with their comments to him about messing me about when I'm moving on. I just stayed out of it & focused on me. I didn't experience any strong feelings no sadness, no anger if anything, there was just a little pity about what his life has become. He went to a festival with OW & her kids last weekend. I'm due to go on holiday with daughter & my parents/sister etc tomorrow.
8am this morning he turns up at the house. Son answered door & he left him outside while he got me. H came in said Son had told him I was happy & moving on. He doesn't want to mess me about and realises that he has been doing this. Cares deeply for me... always will... Thinks he should give me a clean break & divorce. I said if that's what you want then you need to sort it out. He said he wouldn't take anything, wants it to be amicable, wants us to be friends. I said I wouldn't sell the house till kids left home & he agreed. H then teared up saying how he still cares & knows that I still care about him too etc. I just validated saying 27 years together is a long time. Its understandable that there will still be feelings.
I said it was an odd time to come round to discuss something so big and it would have been better to arrange a time to meet instead of the morning before I go away on holiday but I thanked him for being reasonable & said I'll leave that for you to sort if that's what you want. He then left with tears in his eyes.
I don't know how I'm feeling now. I'm fairly certain this is anchor checking but it does still hurt. It's only just happened and I know these feelings will pass. I've not had feelings of sadness for quite a while though.
You absolutely could not have played that any better.
Wow MA, you’re incredibly strong. I think I speak for everyone on the board in congratulating you on handling that so well. Allowing your measured and sensible self respond rather than your emotions.
It’s also surprising that you were able to validate his feelings while he rips his own life and family apart.
This is a great lesson for newcomers on the importance of measured, calm responses in the face of fear.
You also expertly handled giving him responsibility for getting the divorce done.
While he claims you can keep the house and he doesn’t want to take anything, remember that feelings can change and there’s no guarantees - so you have to protect yourself. He may well engage a lawyer now, who tells him he deserves much more.
I’d go immediately and make a statutory declaration about your conversation regarding assets today, and also email a copy of as much as you can remember to a trusted friend.
You may now find he does nothing to push the divorce along. The sudden morning appearance on the doorstep may be because this trash AP has given him an ultimatum to end it with you to test his resolve. He could now bumble along for months and will only file when he has to. Also, if him and trash breakup in the near future, he definitely won’t file.
I needed that Kind. Thank you for your quick reply. Since he left this morning, I've been wavering and shed a few tears. I'm listening to what my thoughts are about & at the heart of it, they're back to my fear about letting go of a past "comfortable" life and being alone. This just shows how the mind plays tricks. I've not had a comfortable life for at least 9 years since his drinking increased and responsibility in the home decreased. Since he left, I've felt the urge to text him & say it was a shock & let's meet to discuss further. Your post has reminded me NOT to immediately act on urges. Time is my friend.
Thank you so much Kind, it's been a while since I've really needed validation from this community but I certainly needed & appreciated it today.
Sometimes the toughest road has the most rewarding views. You should be strong rather than emotional - and I have no doubt that’s what you’ll do, because you’ve proven time and time again since you arrived here that you make smart decisions and know when to ignore your temporary emotions.
I’d happily wager $50AUD (that’s not much when converted to most other currencies 🤣) that in 24 hours time you’ll feel completely differently than you do right now.
And I’d also expect in 48-72 hours you’ll start to feel an incredible feeling of relief that there’s closure.
Give those feelings a chance to arrive before you act 👍
Wow MA I love this. You are teaching me so much in as far as how to handle these situations with dignity and respect ( as I feel I am following close on your heels)
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Don't really know where to start. It's been a few weeks since my last post when H turned up in the early morning just before I went on a family holiday to tell me he'll always care about me but feels we need a fresh start & wants a divorce. I had no further contact with him but he then changed his social media profile pic to one of OW and him & blocked his kids from his page. None of this bothered me. I continued to consider it as another example of his crazy world!
Roll forward a couple of weeks. Within the same week, he has taken D for a coffee, told her he is happier than he has ever been & wasn't happy in the marriage. Again, it has had no impact on me. Just part of his crazy thinking & biased memories of our life.
3 days ago, I get a phone call at 23.45pm. I was in bed & answered. He asked if he could meet and talk to me. I said it was very late, I'm in bed and we can arrange a time in the next week. Turns out, he was outside the house and wanted to talk there & then! I clearly didn't give myself the time to see I didn't have to agree to this (hindsight is a wonderful thing) & got dressed & let him in.
I'm sure you can imagine what follows. More crazy!! He's been thinking about me constantly, misses me, misses his kids, loves me, doesn't love her etc etc... knows he has no right but wants us to be together, recognises this won't happen immediately blah blah... Its completely comical. He seems to think I'm in the same place as when he first left. He talked about how I've changed, I look really sexy (Eeew!!), talked about the times I slept with him (when I was desperate to get him back) & how good it was. This really gave me the ick! I stopped him at that point and said Alot of time has passed since then. I'm a different person & actually feel quite degraded by how I acted. It wasn't out of love, it was desperation. I can't take it back but equally I am in a different place and wouldn't repeat it. He asked if there was anyone else & I said that wasn't any of his business since he left and said his future was with OW.
He expressed regret & said he was still with her but would end it if I took him back. I said he shouldn't do that but should speak to his IC about how he can strengthen the relationship with OW. I said I was happy how I am now and didn't see my future with him so he should focus everything on his relationship with her. He said he's having therapy beyond his free work sessions & he is a different person. More together, open, honest and calm. I did bite a bit at this point and said I thought that he should continue with therapy for a whole because that wasn't my perception. I provided him with the recent activities 2 weeks ago asking for a divorce, 4 days ago telling our D thst he had never been happier and wasn't happy in the marriage & on that day turning up saying he would leave OW because he misses me! He did acknowledge the discrepancy in his statement.
I asked him to leave 40 minutes later, saying I think you should discuss all this with uour counsellor. He tried to hug me & started kissing my neck. I extracted myself and said it's late, I've got work tomorrow, I think you should go. He left and 10mins later there was a knock at the door with him asking if he could stay & sleep on sofa. I said no & shut the door!
Since this time, he has tried messaging me asking me to meet to talk about where we went wrong!! I said I thought it was too soon & he should talk to his IC and have some time alone. He has been bombarding our D with messages saying he's ended it with OW (my suspicions are she ended it know the night he turned up) because he loves me. He's sent D photo after photo after photo of past experiences putting comments like how much he loves me etc etc.
Surprisingly I'm not too unsettled by this. I am firm.at this stage that my life is good currently and better without him than with him. I don't want R at all but am worried that he'll pull me back into that role of protector. I suspect it is over with OW. He's wracked up a lot if debt & has no money now so she's scarpered. I think his head was turned because of the attention & I'm not sure he would just go with someone else. However, I do not want him back. I want to be kind to him but this is his mess and he needs to sort himself out. How do I be kind and supportive without giving him false hope? I care for him, he's my children's father but equally I don't want him bombarding both him and my daughter with messages and craziness.
Sorry for the long post. Feels like such a lot has happened but really crystallised that I am detached and able to see I have a potentially much better future ahead without him. I NEVER thought I would have thought that at ghe start if this 8 months ago!
Oh MA what a post. And firstly can I say wow how amazing you’re doing.it sounds like your H is in the real thick of things now and you are absolutely KILLING IT GIRL!!! How amazing is this. H sounds like a completely lost soul. It’s so hard isn’t it, to have to sit back and watch them destroy their lives. Everyone keeps hammering it into me “this is his mess to sort out” so we can’t fix it for them. You know how this story goes in your H current mindset… “get MA back… MA agrees… oh darn nope don’t want this anymore… see ya” He still sounds like he is in yo-yo land. I can’t help with the advice other than keep those firm boundaries up. Boundaries are everything because they are ours. Be so proud of how far you have come. This is so amazing
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Wow, another sudden appearance of H on your doorstep. He certainly do boomerangs back and forth, with this time’s circling by being near midnight.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I provided him with the recent activities 2 weeks ago asking for a divorce, 4 days ago telling our D thst he had never been happier and wasn't happy in the marriage & on that day turning up saying he would leave OW because he misses me! He did acknowledge the discrepancy in his statement.
Lol. Yes, pretty huge discrepancy. Well done not getting pulled into his emotional maelstrom.
He sure tried to get you to take the bait didn’t he? Even returning ten minutes later and asking to sleep on the couch. Good for you sticking to your path.
Originally Posted by MA1970
How do I be kind and supportive without giving him false hope? I care for him, he's my children's father but equally I don't want him bombarding both him and my daughter with messages and craziness.
There isn’t much you can do to stop H’s messaging or reaching out to the kids. Presently, my son is being bombarded by XW/Mom with call after call, text after text. He has told me of what’s going on and XW’s desperation is rife. Anyhow, be available to talk with your kids and help them organize or gently steer things as needed.
Regarding not giving false hope:
Originally Posted by MA1970
He expressed regret & said he was still with her but would end it if I took him back. I said he shouldn't do that but should speak to his IC about how he can strengthen the relationship with OW. I said I was happy how I am now and didn't see my future with him so he should focus everything on his relationship with her.
So, is there no hope? No reconciliation possible?
I totally agree do not take him back because he would end things with OW if you did. That’s just such a junior high school type mentality from him. Stereotypical teenager sounding is what H currently is.
Are you are truly done, or more indifferent? Personally, I find there is always some wee hope flickering away. It’s up to one if they choose to fan the flames or pat them out.
Remember, hope is timeless. It is not an expectation. It may even never come to pass. Yet it can persist.
Hope” is the thing with feathers By Emily Dickinson
“Hope” is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without the words - And never stops - at all -
And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard - And sore must be the storm - That could abash the little Bird That kept so many warm -
I’ve heard it in the chillest land - And on the strangest Sea - Yet - never - in Extremity, It asked a crumb - of me.
I think not wanting to give false hope is one trying to extinguish their internal song. Perhaps, embrace your hope. Just realize it’s target is not for H to become who you need him to be, rather for H to become who he needs to be. It’s surprising how much more one gains when letting go. You can be supportive without being the protector. You can care and be compassionate about him, while not being dragged into his mess.
Originally Posted by MA1970
Feels like such a lot has happened but really crystallised that I am detached and able to see I have a potentially much better future ahead without him. I NEVER thought I would have thought that at the start of this 8 months ago!
Absolutely. And I am proud of you MA. You’ve come so very far in eight months. Just imagine where you’ll be eight months from now. And it’s that very reason, I’d not burn too many bridges or close too many doors right now. The future is unknown and full of possibilities. Live well, and cherish the gift of time.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
