Say this to yourself 100 times every day: "Everything that works is counter intuitive."
Easy first step is to do your research on attraction. Pretty easy to change about 10 behaviors and become more attractive to women in general. Then dig in to seduction. It is an indirect form of attraction.
One of the counter-intuitive things is to "Let go of control". Mostly this revolves around her and the outcome. Focus on controlling YOUR behavior. How you interact and respond to her and others.
Question your belief system.
When you have an urge to pursue, go out and do something exciting without her.
When she wants to talk, all you do is STFU and listen. You can make some emotional validation statements to her to show you are listening. Act as if she is the most interesting thing on this planet, and you want to know everything she has to say. You are now the most private person. Deflect any of your opinions. "I am not sure" or "I need time to think about that" type of statements. Judge when she is almost done. End the convo first. :I have something important to take care of"....if she asks what.... "nothing you need to worry about".
Dress different, act different, be different.
There is an urgency that you should have in changing your behavior. You have been given the gift of time. Use it wisely.
Regards,
R2C
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
With that said, I would learn a few new "tricks" in the bedroom. She should be pleasantly surprised with each new encounter....and same thing...be the first to leave.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
LOL! Well even after BD we have had sex about a half dozen times and it was different. She has been more uninhibited. I'm not sure if that is common with MLC or not. The affair, which seems to be so common, does give me concern. I told her that would be the deal breaker. I haven't confirmed that she has or had one but I do highly suspect an EA with a much, much younger colleague. I haven't mentioned since DB'ing but did prior to finding this website and she denied it - of course.
I am still struggling hard on the GAL while I'm in this limbo period. I spend most of my free time with my kids and that makes me happy but that is business as usual. I really need to force myself to go out without them and do something but the more I think about the divorce and splitting time, the more I want to spend as much time with them as I can. My W is going out again tonight with friends and its my kids and I alone. I'm honestly trying and I have maintained almost all of the DB rules but its pretty darn hard when you want something so bad. I continue to struggle.....
...and stepson 26 so most of our conversations revolved around them. There is occasional intimacy but it is referred to as sex not ML....
So she was with someone before you...correct me if I am wrong. She missed out on being single in her 20's?
Originally Posted by Keyser77
struggling hard on the GAL
If you are like most of us, we gave up some of our more masculine traits while being married. If so, you can start leading more. Since she went out tonight, let her know you are going out Friday night. If you want to be bold, let her know you have plans for the weekend and she needs to watch the girls. If she throws a fuss, you can propose a set parenting schedule.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
If you are like most of us, we gave up some of our more masculine traits while being married. If so, you can start leading more. Since she went out tonight, let her know you are going out Friday night. If you want to be bold, let her know you have plans for the weekend and she needs to watch the girls. If she throws a fuss, you can propose a set parenting schedule.
I am totally family man and don't have a ton of guys I can go out with. And honestly, when I go out socially, I prefer to have my kids with me. I actually enjoy their company. I do realize I need to start GAL and that means time away from my daughters.
My W just left the house and got extremely angry with me. We had been getting along fine in each other's company but she just asked for some cash to go and I gave her a weird look. She took it the wrong way and stormed out. I tried to give her the money and she threw it at me. I didn't do a good job of DB but I did finally walk away. A month ago I would have called or texted her by now but I'll just let it go. Needless to say, I have a pit in my stomach and feel nauseous. Any progress I may have been making just took several giant steps back. The alien appears again!! Guys - I dont want to get divorced and want to fix this but I'm starting to feel hopeless. And I know even the best DB techniques don't always work. And I know I need to focus on me, GAL and be the best version of myself. But its so hard when you want something so bad, you can see that the other person is not who they used to be and its beyond frustrating when all you want is what you once had back...............
Last edited by DnJ; 08/04/2302:33 AM. Reason: Corrected quote syntax.
LOL! Well even after BD we have had sex about a half dozen times and it was different. She has been more uninhibited. I'm not sure if that is common with MLC or not. The affair, which seems to be so common, does give me concern. I told her that would be the deal breaker. I haven't confirmed that she has or had one but I do highly suspect an EA with a much, much younger colleague. I haven't mentioned since DB'ing but did prior to finding this website and she denied it - of course.
I am still struggling hard on the GAL while I'm in this limbo period. I spend most of my free time with my kids and that makes me happy but that is business as usual. I really need to force myself to go out without them and do something but the more I think about the divorce and splitting time, the more I want to spend as much time with them as I can. My W is going out again tonight with friends and its my kids and I alone. I'm honestly trying and I have maintained almost all of the DB rules but its pretty darn hard when you want something so bad. I continue to struggle.....
Hi Keyser!
Let me be brutally honest:
- I’d bet my left *** she has an affair person. That’s the reality here.
- You’ve stated an affair is a deal breaker. You need to be REALLY careful what you say, because it can come back to haunt you - and in fact can actually encourage her to keep having affairs and keep you at arm’s length. Is that TRULY your deal breaker? If she walked in tomorrow and said “I’ve been banging Steve from accounts” would you calmly tell her to leave, pack up her stuff, throw it on the sidewalk, change the locks and file immediately with a lawyer? Because if the answer to that is absolutely yes, then that’s a great boundary and you can make it clear. But if there’s any hesitation at all, or you’d have to think about it, you shouldn’t be telling her or yourself it’s a deal breaker. Marriages do recover from physical affairs. What they DONT recover from is weak men who verbalise a boundary and then let their wives break it. Think very carefully on this.
- You seem to be struggling emotionally (like I and many others did and still do). Are you getting professional counselling help? You’re unlikely to make significant progress on your sadness/anxiety/attractiveness without external help. We can’t really do that here. You should get some help from a counsellor /psychologist.
- Tell me about your eating/exercise/sleeping at the moment.
- R2C’s advice was spot on. It probably seems counter intuitive to you, but I’m here to say that R2C/DNJ/cadet/Job etc give incredibly good advice and it’s worth heeding. Tell me, if you were in her shoes, who would you most likely to attracted to - the man who just sits at home, watching the kids whenever you demand and pining for you to come home to talk about staying married … or the guy who tells you to watch the kids, plans his weekend and goes out to bar with some mates - or goes mountain biking, or go karting, or to the shooting range? This sounds a lot easier than it is - but if you want to be attractive, you need to be attractive. ATM she sees a quiet, scared, weak man.
- You probably think if she found photos of you and your mates at a bar with lots of women, she would be mega angry and reconciliation would be less likely. I’m here to tell you it’s the complete opposite. Women only want something they can’t have. If they see you having a great time with your friends and attractive women, she will suddenly respect you and want back in. It’s very different for men and women. If men see women out and about, flirting lots of men, they aren’t attracted to them because they think they’re cheap and flippant. If a woman sees a man getting lots of attention from other women, they find them attractive. At the moment, she sees that you’re not commanding of respect and she can click her fingers and get you back at any time she wants. That’s not attractive. And it makes her feel SAFE to have an affair and trash her marriage. This is why MWD is so right with GAL activities. They’re useful for three main reasons - they keep your body and mind busy, they make you more attractive to your spouse, and lastly, if you do divorce a you’ve made a 12 month head start on finding yourself and your happiness.
If I’m totally honest, I’m not holding out much hope there will be reconciliation here - because you’re being a passenger. Waiting for her MLC/HRT issues to settle and coming here asking the board for advice on the smallest of issues.
Quote
One of the things I am struggling with is my wife LOOOOOVES attention from me - PDA, compliments, hand holding, etc. I didn't do is much as she wanted throughout the R. When will I know when it’s ok to start doing it more.
She’s thinking of leaving. Personally, I wouldn’t be giving any PDAs or compliments. Don’t be deliberately nasty, but why would you compliment and reward someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Imagine a dog pissing on the carpet because you didn’t give it enough treats. Would you fix that by giving it a treat each time it pisses on the carpet? What message does that send?
MWD says that of what you’ve been doing hasn’t worked, then it’s time to do something different.
Sitting around, apologising constantly, giving compliments and sex when you sort of suspect an affair - how well is that working out for you?
She likes PDAs. Fair enough. What do you like? Do you like PDAs? Do you like it when she sits on your lap at a bar? Do you like it when she wears sexy underwear or says dirty things in your ear in public, or sends you flirty messages?
What do YOU like? I’m guessing while you’re worrying so much about giving her what she wants, you’re not getting anything that you like.
Your job in marriage is not to make the other person happy at your expense. It’s that you are both happy and single people, but BOTH of you further enrich each other’s lives.
You’ve owned your previous faults. Good on you! And I expect from now on you won’t make the same mistakes again. But please don’t slip into this “I must make her 100% happy all the time and do everything perfectly” mentality. You’ve owned it. You’ve apologised to her. You’re going to act differently in the future.
Now get off the couch and be a strong, confident, happy many who commands respect, who is fun to be around 👍
My W just left the house and got extremely angry with me. We had been getting along fine in each other's company but she just asked for some cash to go and I gave her a weird look. She took it the wrong way and stormed out. I tried to give her the money and she threw it at me. I didn't do a good job of DB but I did finally walk away. A month ago I would have called or texted her by now but I'll just let it go. Needless to say, I have a pit in my stomach and feel nauseous. Any progress I may have been making just took several giant steps back.
You are catastrophising. You are seeing the worst in everything. Calm down!
The biggest question here, is why does she have to ask you for money? Doesn’t she have access to all your accounts? If she does but she had just run out of cash, then it’s completely okay for her to ask for some cash if you have some on you.
Best answer: Yeah no dramas babe, take what you want, but leave me $100 because I’m going to a bar tomorrow night. You need to be home to watch the kids.
Not texting her is an EXCELLENT choice. Well done! Don’t get embroiled in her toys out the pram BS.
Women test men by seeing if they’ll be an emotional rock.
Option 1 - apologise, be worried she’s angry, try to give her cash, get upset when she throws it at you, message after to apologise - WEAK AND UNATTRACTIVE man
Option 2 - be cool, let her take some cash, if she goes full cray cray and starts throwing it, just ignore and be unintimidated - STRONG AND ATTRACTIVE man
You did fine. Stop being scared of a little teenage girl having a tantrum!
Pit in your stomach and nauseous? Why? Feelings are temporary. Tomorrow she probably won’t even remember what happened.
Do you know how many marriages were decided or broken on how one partner gave one weird look to the other on one occasion? NONE. It’s not nearly the big issue you are making it out to be.
And you know what - if someone leaves you because you looked at them weirdly, is that really someone you want to be married to?
Kind - thank you for that. A bit of tough love and a kick in the pants. I guess I deserved it and needed it.
Yes - 100 percent a PA is a deal breaker. I can positively say that. I couldn't go back to her after that. I'm hanging on by a thread as it is. I suspect the EA and may be looking into things too much regarding the PA. I hope it hasn't happened but if I find out, then its game over. I asked her and of course she denied it but some parts of me think she'd tell me. She already told me several vicious things already so I almost think she'd relish in the thought of telling me. Thats what the alien is like.
I'm making plans to do something Saturday night without the kids.
To answer a few questions - I was in counseling for 2 months when this started and it didn't help me at all so I dropped out. I think I'm going to sign up for the DB coaching on here. Its cheaper and would probably be more effective.
I lost a lot of weight because when I stress, I don't eat. I lift weights 4-5 times a week and have for years. I love it and even through all of this, I still do it. It more effective then a counseling session for me. I honestly look as good as I ever have with my shirt off. A little loose skin on my waist for abs are showing. I don't have the muscle mass I had 10 years ago but I'm more defined.
I need to get rear end in gear and starting doing me. I know it. I need to get out more and do more things. This has lasted months and I haven't really done anything other then a two times going out with some friends.
Thanks again for the response. You spent a lot of time on it and I appreciate it.
