H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[KangaB]

Before I met H, I was sure of myself. I was fun and jolly. I had a great dress sense and was very creative. Came from a creative background in my 1st career. H is a great looking man and he is charming and charismatic. With this, I became insecure and jealous at times. I felt H would do things to make me feel this way, even though he said to me early on that he was a very jealous man. So, I gave him no reason to be jealous. I don’t believe he thought of me in that way. Every so often, when I would arrive at his house after he picked up Skids from school, there would be School M dropping by to borrow things. I once challenged one of them why she was there and she never came back. I was polite about it. I just felt so controlled by insecurity. I used to ask about who was phoning or texting, show me his FB because I’m not on it. I used to do a lot of snooping on his phone for calls and texts. I found texts from XW manipulating him into nostalgia and pity. I found photos that she would send of the Skids as toddlers as a reminder of her being their M. I can’t have my own kids so it would hurt like crazy. Once she (at SS 18th) from a cross a Restaurant table screamed out to H to look at photo of her BF their S.

I used to get through to H, no more C with XW unless it is absolutely necessary. I would get SIL and IL’s too to say this to H too. He did block her at times and had LC. I felt so much better but all the while, I felt I had lost myself in trying to control our R.

Since I found DB (maybe 6wks ago). I don’t ask who is calling, who is texting. I don’t ask about whether he has C with XW. I say I don’t want to talk about XW. I change the subject if he brings her up. I walk away from a situation where H needs to flirt with another W or grab attention. I don’t put myself in the way. I stopped snooping a year ago because it hurt too much and I can’t work his new iPhone.

SD is now 17 and she has become a Mini W and he flirts with her a bit and she with him. SD feels she has to compete with me now. Which is a shame because I love her like she is my own and had a lot of input into raising her. I now walk away when this happens. I take myself out of the equation. All of this hurts. I hate it. I am so damn attracted to my H. I physically react to him as if he is my childhood movie star crush. For some reason, he feels he needs attention from other W. I don’t feel this way about myself. I always thought H enjoyed when I reacted by being jealous and insecure even though he would show revulsion, because it was attention for him. I feel so out of control with this. I have lost myself in this. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

[KangaB]

S for single not separated

[KangaB]

Hi Job,

I was trying to be clever and post to your quotes and it didn’t quite work out. I value your comments and welcome your input. Somewhere in your quote reply is me replying.

[Kind18]

My God, H spends like you wouldn’t believe. He wrote out a letter stating that he wanted me to manage his finances because he doesn’t trust himself. I have closed down our together account citing different reasons other than I don’t trust him atm. Finances are separated, they have never really come together. I fear he will lose his house. Interest rates increasing over here and his work is infrequent so I’m trying to make his money stretch. I feel I’m enabling him with $$ because I don’t want him to lose the house as it’s part of his retirement fund when he sells and moves to me.

You know what happens when you treat someone like a child?

They never grow up.

[KangaB]

Hi Kind18,

Thanks for posting… I absolutely agree. There were so many things that I was doing for H which he could do for himself. I’m easing out of enabling him in other ways. I can’t think right now what they are. However, I really believe that at times and not deliberately that I have emasculated H and somehow I’ve been put in this role by him because he was used to it. His XW was the breadwinner in their marriage and he gave up his career to raising the Skids and I have seen firsthand H being emasculated by her.

I have on my list of goals that when finances improve, I will ease out of this role. A role that I eased into because I was doing the W budget. I want him to step up with his finances because I know he will feel in control and feel better about himself. I love H being the man in our marriage and taking care of me—not financially; but, doing manly things and encouraging chivalry, which he is great at when he is in the M. We both love our Traditional roles.

Today has not been a good day nor yesterday. Awful weekend followed by a previous awful weekend. I was doing well last week. I’ve fell into a slump and I’m thinking that it’s because I’m finally unleashing all of it here.

I’m reading back and I’m so angry with XW, I know I want to just unleash on her. I know I need to draw the focus back on myself. I can’t help it. I also tend to see H as a victim which is really dangerous. I’m so threatened by XW!

Much appreciated.

[Kind18]

Yep, all valid points.

Wasn’t a criticism of you btw, but you didn’t take it that way, so that’s good!

Just a statement of fact.

Some marriages end up with pretty unhealthy dynamics around things like money, sex, chores, affection - and normally that’s because small compensations on one person’s behalf are allowed to grow. Fast forward ten years with it unchecked, and you can end up with a man-child or woman-child.

[KangaB]

Thanks Kind,

I appreciate your input.

[KangaB]

I don’t know if anyone can help me.

Just reflecting back on what I have written and trying to make sense of what is going on in my marriage. I’m a bit confused as to whether I ought to be piecing as well as 180’s, detaching etc.

I think my H is MLCing and him wanting to keep XW around is very uncomfortable. However, he hasn’t wanted to leave the marriage, even though I think he has emotionally checked out most of the time.

I would appreciate some feedback.

[KangaB]

I have a bit of a positive result even thought it still hurts.

Since I have been doing some DBing, H has just started telling me the contact he has been having with XW. Since before the wedding, I knew that he was talking to her a lot because she has an accent and his accent changes slightly when he talks to her and I used to tell him, I can tell you have been talking to XW because your accent has changed. I had stopped snooping a while ago and just presumed. H just backed off from conversing with me because of my scrutiny and I just used to react so much to hearing about his XW. I’m ashamed that I did this.

He is feeling more comfortable telling me about his conversations with her as I’m not reacting. I absolutely hate it that he is having so much contact because she is trying to be his best friend and being very accommodating and agreeable. This is where I think XW is DBing because she used to just scream at him. Their conversations are usually about SD (as far as I know). Although it’s not important stuff, just a little bit of drama created by SD. XW will use any excuse to call H to get his attention.

I just can’t understand why she hasn’t moved on. And why he won’t keep setting boundaries. Is he cake eating? I have girlfriends who are divorced that don’t even want to be around their exes because they are happy that they have moved on or are resentful and don’t want to have anything to do with them

Our conversations have been better because he is opening up. I really feel like it’s a competition between her and I as to who is going to be his bestfriend/soul mate.

I really need some feedback. I do feel what I’m doing is working. My goal now is to re-engage him with me. I also made a list of all the selfish things I have done in our R since Goal setting.

[DnJ]

Hello Kanga

I’m a bit confused as to whether I ought to be piecing as well as 180’s, detaching etc.

Piecing is much further down the road.

The DB path is pretty counterintuitive. In the beginning, stuff will feel incorrect, will not be one’s default norm - doing 180’s for example. When it feels that way, you are likely doing pretty well.

For right now, time and space are needed for H. He needs to feel like his has lost you. Maybe then he will commit to the marriage.

Find detachment, that is the single best thing you can do for yourself. Detach from H, his words, and his behaviours. Let it all go; just roll right off of you. I do know and realize, that is a lot easier said than done. (((Hug)))

I just can’t understand why she hasn’t moved on. And why he won’t keep setting boundaries. Is he cake eating? I have girlfriends who are divorced that don’t even want to be around their exes because they are happy that they have moved on or are resentful and don’t want to have anything to do with them

Divorced parents can have a cordial relationship for jointly raising their kids. However, your intuition, and H’s conversations and actions, do indicate something more than that. There may not be any PA, yet it certainly looks like a EA at the least. So yes to cake eating. H is stepping outside of the marriage for emotional comfort at the minimum.

Our conversations have been better because he is opening up. I really feel like it’s a competition between her and I as to who is going to be his bestfriend/soul mate.

Kanga, don’t compete with XW. She is a symptom of H’s problems. She is a band-aid for him. You are the prize! Do not lower yourself to completing to see which of the “girls” will become H’s best friend or soulmate!

Best thing you can do - step away from that. Do not see XW as a rival. Do treat her as a rival. Drop that rope.

I do feel what I’m doing is working. My goal now is to re-engage him with me. I also made a list of all the selfish things I have done in our R since Goal setting.

Read the part about the solutions journal in the Divorce Remedy book. Positive movement forward is by very small increments. A solutions journal is a somewhat map/guide you created when you are rational and clear minded. The wee positive achievements are easier to see that way. You then make your decisions and choices based upon rational logic thought rather than feelings.

That being said, do not keep looking for signs. This journey will take longer than you realize, or want it to. That’s ok. Time is your friend. Time is a gift. Use it wisely. Do your inner work.

In my opinion, do not work to re-engage with H. Let him feel the loss. Let him re-engage with you, on his own accord. You don’t place boulders on the path, yet you don’t pave it in gold either.

Keep posting my dear. Ask questions. There are many kind and compassionate folks here, with much hard-earned wisdom. And please don’t fret if it takes a few days for a response. Sometimes things occur rapidly around here, and other times it can be kind of slow for folks to get back to one another. Slow is really good practice for finding patience, a much needed tenet for these DB journeys.

Hang in there Kanga.

D