I’m coming out of a fog thanks to finding Divorce Busting a month ago and avidly reading the Forums and the DB book.
I don’t know what to do. I suspect my H is MLCing and has been on and off for the majority of our R. His EW won’t leave him alone and has tried different tactics over the years from yelling and screaming to sending him photos of her and his kids when they were toddlers, to texting both of us in tears that she is all alone to inviting herself to Christmas with IL’s (trying to use my learned abbreviations) to now to doing a 180 and being as attractive and available and friendly as possible. This started before we got married. My H has told her over the years that he loves me and that he is not interested in getting back together with her. However, something changed before our wedding with his opinion of EW from not wanting to have anything to do with her to now defending her and allowing her into his house (we LAT) whenever she wants. H doesn’t want me around when she has organised tickets for them to go and see something of his D’s at School concerts etc (her latest weapon). EW has been very cunning in inviting me, but when I’m there, she and H get into Parental mode and H completely forgets that I exist. So now, I choose not to go. SD, I think is now on her M’s side and does not want me around even though we were very close for a good 6 years. Skids were part of our W. H lies to me about how much contact he has with EW and becomes abusive when I challenge him on it. H used to see my side of things and would try and support me. Now H just abuses me and stonewalls me.
Over the years, I have even reached out to EW to try and befriend her. Initially, I just wanted to get to know her and be part of a team raising the skids. EW was not into it. I have always been a ‘Sister before a Mister type woman’. EW just sees me as competition. I have always been polite and courteous to her up until a few months ago when she just stormed into my H’s house without waiting to be asked in and I gently directed her back to the door and told her that she was to be asked to be invited in from now on. When I told H about this, he said she had every right to be there after many times he said he wasn’t going to have C with her and didn’t want her to do that. H, every few mths, picks fights with me in person on the phone and sets up a scenario where all of our plans get cancelled and it doesn’t matter what they are. I think I have realised that this happens when he has had C with EW or is about to. All of our family and friends are wondering what the hell is going on. We are under huge Financial strain at the moment. I’m managing all the finances and we are trying to get EW off the mortgage during High interest rates and High inflation etc. I try my best to not react, set boundaries, show interest in Skids; but, not too much. Two of the Skids have been PAS against H in the past few years from EW as a reaction to our engagement and pending M. Now they are PAS’d against me only and H has fallen back in favour with the two, to the point that SD is trying to take over any time we try and spend together (mostly weekends). An example is SD wanted to spend NYE just gone with H and without me. I have had to give up birthdays, Easter and other holidays because SD wants to be around H all the time. I have no problem with SD spending time with H; but, this behaviour wreaks EW’s. H used to sets boundaries with EW. He would block her as she would call Sunday mornings for instance. Now he doesn’t care if and when she texts or calls. I know it is up to H to set boundaries with EW and SD. EW is a huge problem; but, H is the only one who can stop it. H goes between loving me to hating me. H is wonderful when he is in our M.
H, when angry accuses me of doing things that I never do and then tells me I’m gaslighting and manipulating. I look for my part in things always. I’m tired. I wear my WR as a promise to God that I will love H for better; for worse. I just don’t want to give up on my M. I do C and my C thinks I’m in a fight for my M against EW. EW is very clever and won’t let up. H just doesn’t care much about me anymore, no help if I’m sick even. H said a few weeks ago that he doesn’t want to give up on our marriage. I welcome and need help—I’m scared!
Me 49 H 61 T 8yrs M 1.5yrs LAT H filed for D from XW ‘18, granted ‘19 We M ‘22 H in EA with XW (lying about contact, evidence of Affair contact) BD Aug ‘23
H and I met OL and we talked for 4 mths before we met. Six months into our courtship, H told me he was only S from EW. I was livid and left him for a while until he absolutely pursued me back in. My ego was huge and we were in early stages of limerence. I told H that if he wanted to be with me, he would have to D his EW. H agreed and obviously went ahead and did it. I look back now and should have said, ‘let’s get together when you are D.’ H even agreed. I was stupidly, madly in love. I have been through his D settlement as well. I’m angry with myself and I know that there is nothing I can do now because it is in the past. What I feel now is that, we have never had the chance to really consummate our M (not sexually); but, emotionally, because H won’t allow it, EW won’t allow it and SD won’t allow it. I talked to SD the other day and said how close I was to my father and how important it is that H and her spend time together. I also said I was on her side and will offer to be away at times so H and her can have one on one time together.
Me 49 H 61 T 8yrs M 1.5yrs LAT H filed for D from XW ‘18, granted ‘19 We M ‘22 H in EA with XW (lying about contact, evidence of Affair contact) BD Aug ‘23
Sorry! I’m replying to myself, not sure how to use everything for posting yet.
These are the things that I have been doing since finding Divorce Busting and even months before (DB has validated some of the things I have started doing and more so):
- I have read up on 180’s, detaching etc - I am starting to do new things such as learning Karate, getting in contact with old friends, buying new clothes and looking the best I can at all times in front of H including excellent hygiene - I am a bit quieter and do not talk as much as I used to and let H bring up conversations. - I’m validating him and listening to him even when I don’t agree I’ve stopped putting myself in front of H’s spew and vitriol and will get off the phone, leave the room etc - I don’t mention EW and I say I don’t want to talk about her today, tonight etc - I have tried not to react; but, have got angry and ranted twice since newly DBing - I don’t initiate phone calls or texts unless it is to do with business stuff - I try to be upbeat and fun when we are together - I don’t make much eye contact nor try and get H’s attention. I’m slightly aloof and mysterious in front of him - I don’t snoop (used to a few years back) and don’t react and ask about texts and contact he has with EW - I leave him well alone when he is angry. Used to follow him around to try and cajole him out of a mood. I used to pull funny faces as if I was in front of a toddler. Sometimes it worked and H welcomed it and other times it didn’t. No more - I don’t talk to SIL about this anymore. - I’m not trying to fix anything or any part of H’s life - I pretend to be confident and capable - I say ‘you could be right’, ‘I was wrong’. I also say ‘I hear you, I get it, I understand’ - I stand tall and don’t cower when he is yelling at me until he backs away and sits down - I thank H for little things he does and praise him for all of his good work and efforts on various things - I am more engaging with SD than I have been for a long time - I ignore EW, I don’t say hello nor make eye contact. I have blocked her from phone and email
So far, H has accused me of having an A because he can’t work out what is going on. H, when in the marriage is a lot more loving and attentive. H, has picked a few more fights over minor things. Such as when I got a date wrong on the calendar to do with a Money situation. I know about Extinction Bursts; but, hard to decipher in my R.
Me 49 H 61 T 8yrs M 1.5yrs LAT H filed for D from XW ‘18, granted ‘19 We M ‘22 H in EA with XW (lying about contact, evidence of Affair contact) BD Aug ‘23
Welcome to the forum. I see you are reading DR and some threads. Very good!
I am copying the welcome thread below for your reference as well, it is full of links to a wealth of useful information.
From what I read, you and H dated for four years, then his divorce was finalized, continued dating and you two married three years later. Has XW been pursuing H the entire eight years? When did you and H start living apart together (LAT)?
By the way, I did get your inquiry into the face emoji and OP meanings. As far I can tell, the emoji signifies if that poster is online or not - grey and indifferent is offline, smiling is online; and OP means original poster.
I look forward to conversing with you. Hoping you have a good day.
Take care,
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
By the way, I did get your inquiry into the face emoji and OP meanings. As far I can tell, the emoji signifies if that poster is online or not - grey and indifferent is offline, smiling is online; and OP means original poster.
I agree with DNJ that in this case it means original poster. However it sometimes used in the body of a post to mean Other Person and if you look at some of my very first posts it was also directed at me since my name was Old Pilot.
You are doing all of the right things. I'm glad you are finding your footing and are posting and reading the book. If your h is in mlc, he is going to be bouncing off the walls for a while. Confusion and depression are the main ingredients of a mlc. Usually it takes 18-24 months for them to enter the crisis and it generally happens after a death of a loved one or a close friend, promotion with additional pressures or a demotion, or an illness. Think back, did something happen with him during that time period? When this happens, they do not like authority and they will look at us as parents who tend to hinder them in what they want to do (or so they think).
Generally, a childhood trauma has been stuffed down and will raise its ugly head when the crisis comes calling. It could have been abuse of any kind, lack of validation, another child loved more than him/her, etc. We can't fix them because we didn't break them. They have to be the ones to figure it out.
They also project a lot and if you listen closely, they tend to tell on themselves. All you can do is get out of their way and just leave them to it. One thing...be sure you are watching all of your financial stuff. I would set up a separate bank account and if there is any way to get your name off the joint accounts, the better. Why? Because they do tend to go on spending sprees as well.
Keep posting. Dig deeper for patience and please know, that you didn't cause this crisis.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for my welcome and the Welcome pack. I’m really looking forward to all of your help and feedback, and eventually contributing when I have something to give away.
H and I have always LAT because the Skids lived with him full time (went to their M’s on weekends) up until 2 yrs ago. SD living with her M full time and coming to visit H when she can. Our idea was that H would join me to LT when SD was launching on her own. TBH, I’m not in any hurry at the moment to LT and have given up on our dreams that we once had.
XW (EW) didn’t give a fig that we were together in the beginning. She started pursuing when things got serious between us. Ranting and crying when we got engaged. Since H and I have been together she has never had boyfriend. Some dates apparently. When H and I met, they had been separated for about 6yrs. H had been dating and in a serious relationship between formal separation and meeting me. Since just before our wedding XW uses many excuses to see H. They used to live around the corner from each other and now she lives 2hrs away.
I will unpack along the way. I will try and stick to small frequent posting. The load is huge and reading back through my first posts, everything seems disjointed. I’m so overwhelmed that I have suppressed memories, feelings, anger. I’ve stopped crying. I used to cry a lot. I feel like a deer in the headlights because I feel it’s going to get a lot worse before it gets better.
Me 49 H 61 T 8yrs M 1.5yrs LAT H filed for D from XW ‘18, granted ‘19 We M ‘22 H in EA with XW (lying about contact, evidence of Affair contact) BD Aug ‘23
Thanks to both of you for clarifying. Just after I sent the message, I found the Abbreviations list and read it there. I’m so sensitive about OP what I thought was the Other Person because that is how I’m feeling in my M. I feel I’m being shoved out very slowly and surely with measure and manipulation now.
I feel H has been hooked by XW and there is nothing I can do. I used to fight it. Now I have dropped the rope and I feel like it’s just showing that I don’t care. LAT, I feel I’m not getting the opportunity to use my DBing of the little I know how to do.
Me 49 H 61 T 8yrs M 1.5yrs LAT H filed for D from XW ‘18, granted ‘19 We M ‘22 H in EA with XW (lying about contact, evidence of Affair contact) BD Aug ‘23
You are doing all of the right things. I'm glad you are finding your footing and are posting and reading the book. If your h is in mlc, he is going to be bouncing off the walls for a while. Confusion and depression are the main ingredients of a mlc. Usually it takes 18-24 months for them to enter the crisis and it generally happens after a death of a loved one or a close friend, promotion with additional pressures or a demotion, or an illness. Think back, did something happen with him during that time period? When this happens, they do not like authority and they will look at us as parents who tend to hinder them in what they want to do (or so they think).
Thank you JOB. I’m determined and trying. Yes I’m not sure if H is in MLC but something changed when he was getting closer to 60 and he realised that he hadn’t reached his full potential. Skids growing up and leaving home. That threw me when routine with Skids went out of whack when they were no longer around. There are a myriad of things.
Originally Posted by job
Generally, a childhood trauma has been stuffed down and will raise its ugly head when the crisis comes calling. It could have been abuse of any kind, lack of validation, another child loved more than him/her, etc. We can't fix them because we didn't break them. They have to be the ones to figure it out.
H is a child of D in the 70’s. He said he blacked out for a full year when he was 15 when it happened. He admits that his maturity has not gone beyond that. I do feel I’m dealing with a teenager. His F was abusive and he was sent to live in a caravan in the backyard when his SS’s moved in to old family home with SM. And yes, I know I didn’t cause it, can’t control it and can’t cure it. I can say all the right Wise sayings but I can’t live it most of the time.
Originally Posted by job
They also project a lot and if you listen closely, they tend to tell on themselves. All you can do is get out of their way and just leave them to it. One thing...be sure you are watching all of your financial stuff. I would set up a separate bank account and if there is any way to get your name off the joint accounts, the better. Why? Because they do tend to go on spending sprees as well.
My God, H spends like you wouldn’t believe. He wrote out a letter stating that he wanted me to manage his finances because he doesn’t trust himself. I have closed down our together account citing different reasons other than I don’t trust him atm. Finances are separated, they have never really come together. I fear he will lose his house. Interest rates increasing over here and his work is infrequent so I’m trying to make his money stretch. I feel I’m enabling him with $$ because I don’t want him to lose the house as it’s part of his retirement fund when he sells and moves to me. At the same time, I feel used atm and I have to say there is a part of me that it’s one way to show him that I care and he needs me. I’m so confused. One minute, I’m scared of losing him and the next, I don’t feel anything but relief when I don’t see H because he does project. He rants a lot and when I’m looking at it as 3rd person, I can see that it has nothing to do with me. It hurts that he spews to me that I’m manipulating and gaslighting when I don’t do any of it. He says a lot of things with distrust and paranoia and I have seriously shown him the best love I possibly know.
I will get into more later. I want to share the things that I have stopped doing.
Btw, I do write better in the mornings, I know that my replies to you all will be half a world away. I really do appreciate the support already.
Originally Posted by job
Keep posting. Dig deeper for patience and please know, that you didn't cause this crisis.
Last edited by DnJ; 07/10/2302:08 AM. Reason: Corrected quoting syntax.
Me 49 H 61 T 8yrs M 1.5yrs LAT H filed for D from XW ‘18, granted ‘19 We M ‘22 H in EA with XW (lying about contact, evidence of Affair contact) BD Aug ‘23
I forgot to answer your question about our R history. So yes, we met 8yrs ago. H D XW around our 4yr mark. We got engaged at 6yrs and married at 7yrs.
Just to add from my signature. When I went OL dating, I only ever wanted to meet men who were D, S or W. H ticked my boxes. I was absolutely furious for a long time that he never got D. I even told his XW that he did that in my stupidity that if I shared my life with her she would realise I was no threat to her as M of the Skids. Everything I have told XW she has used as a weapon towards me. Will get into it down the track.
One thing this is teaching me is that I absolutely had my head in the clouds about trust and M etc. I always thought M was a soft landing where H looked after you as you did him because you made vows together. I’ve almost lost hope and I don’t want my M to end.
Me 49 H 61 T 8yrs M 1.5yrs LAT H filed for D from XW ‘18, granted ‘19 We M ‘22 H in EA with XW (lying about contact, evidence of Affair contact) BD Aug ‘23
