Ready2Change: “ Better might be "You do what you need to do." or "Do not tell people to ask me. It is none of their business" or "I have no intention on telling anyone anything until we are officially divorced."
I think that if W were to bring this line of conversation up again (I don’t want to have R talks or engage but I want to listen if that happens), I might say what you have suggested above and tell her, “you can let them know that you left me, it was your decision. You can own it.”
Also I remember the other night when she and I went out, she told me, “I have don’t have my home, my things, or relationships with my kids or my friends.” My inside thoughts: “you have left all of that.” My response: “That’s really hard.”
She also said her friends (which I understand to mean her new “friends”) all have said, “it’s no wonder you left,” to her. She said they told her that before she saw the sense in it.
I have been owning that I failed and my part in the demise of our M. I need to also be accurate (not necessarily with words) that W blew it up. Accept her accept reality.
Also I remember the other night when she and I went out, she told me, “I don’t have my home, my things, or relationships with my kids or my friends.” My inside thoughts: “you have left all of that.” My response: “That’s really hard.”
This is perfect. Not saying your thoughts, rather identifying her emotional state. Do it with everyone (Your children especially) until they ask you for your thoughts.
Originally Posted by Rockon
She said: "I just need to be able to tell people, like so when people ask me about you, I can say, “We’re separated. Ask him.”
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
“ Better might be "You do what you need to do." or "Do not tell people to ask me. It is none of their business" or "I have no intention on telling anyone anything until we are officially divorced."
Originally Posted by Rockon
I might say what you have suggested above and tell her, “you can let them know that you left me, it was your decision. You can own it.”.
So I misread what she said to you. I was responding thinking they were asking about the state of the relationship, not about you personally.
This is how: H:"Anyone asks, tell then I am doing great!"
If it was a discussion the state of the relationship:
Red: Keep the desire to blame out. Even the "left me" should be "Moved out"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
1) Avoid R talks like the plague. 2) If you get into R talk, Listen and reflect back what emotional state you believe she was in. Be the first to leave. 3) Filter your thoughts and words down to simple statements. (I am thinking, I am not sure, I will think about that) 4) Do not share your emotional state with her. Control it. You are content no matter what storm is going on (IE her drama).
5) Dancing- Make every woman you interact with laugh. Practice reflecting their emotional state (most likely will be the not so scary emotions...a lot better than angry or sad or frustrated that you are most likely dealing with coming out of W). Holding eye contact (if that is an issue) with the women watching you dance.
This list is just my 2cents. You should have your own list that is longer, more detailed, in the order that you think is important. It is always a work in progress.
R2C is currently working on holding other peoples attention longer in conversations. I have 3 people request for me to finish my story after the conversation went a few other directions. I got asked a simple question that I used to Segway into a more interesting response.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I am doing everything I know to do and reaching out for help to remain well and continue to plot my course, follow the plan and do what I understand to be right - Lord help me! I have not been having interactions with W since that outing on the weekend but I am very unsettled especially when she sends texts.
Focusing on my health and my priorities right now: exercise, nutrition, prayer, family, close friends, GAL.
Really makes me think twice or much more than that before agreeing to another meetup with her. I have found that after around 3 days of no texts from her and not seeing her I start to feel much better.
Been enjoying life. It’s beautiful - not always easy but yet beautiful. I’ve been taking care of things at my home looking after S taking good care of myself, GAL (time on the water with friends, good food, live music, dancing). Looking forward to camping and friends and adventuring. Got more home reno goals to keep after as well.
In the meantime, supporting eldest D(single mom, lives out of state)with stuff from a distance (video calls, listening to her challenges with work and raising a young one, building connection) as well as in person (have been visiting them when I can, strengthening bonds, creating memories and sharing vision for the future).
Another golden night this week. Watched eldest S pitch a gem complete game (3 hits 5 strikeouts) low scoring win. I sat next to my dad for the whole game (anyone seen field of dreams?). Dad almost went to heaven himself a couple times this year with some close calls. He told my sister one morning in the ER a couple months ago, “This could be my day.” Any and every moment like this is precious. S beamed in post game photos with grampa and family. Dad was a baseball star pitcher way back when. He has not had the stamina nor energy to get to many games this season and when he did he only stayed an inning or two. Sometimes he and mom tried but just couldn’t get there.
Youngest D is away having a great time with friends. She called for a nice video chat last evening. I’m investing in therapy, got lots to process. And getting emotional work done outside of therapy too.
I actually started and stopped this update post several times this week and finally was able to crystallize a few thoughts this morning.
I have slept better the last 2 nights in a row. Had a hard time for a week or so after I went out with W weekend before last. I haven’t been reaching out. Had some extra therapy this week. Minding my own business looking after my side of the fence. Had a great time dancing last night. Enjoying summer. Out with friends tonight. Think I’ll dance tomorrow night again.
Another good sleep. Heading out on the water this morning with friends. Some downtime this afternoon and family then out dancing with friends tonight.
Been able to step aside more for W to have her own relationship with youngest S. They will be spending time together this morning. Thanks BF and DnJ for helping me to see the importance of this for me (stepping aside).
