W asked me out for a recreational evening. I had time available so I accepted and we met out in nature. Partway into our activities, W said,”Hey it’s been a long time of limbo now, I think it’s time we start telling people we are separated.” I replied, “I’m good with the number of people I have told, but if you need to tell someone, you can do that.” I asked if there was anything she needed clarity on with the sense of limbo. She said I just need to be able to tell people, like so when people ask me about you, I can say, “We’re separated. Ask him.” I said, “ok”
She let me know that she has ghosted some of her closest long time friends who have been reaching out to her because she hadn’t been wanting to talk about us. I said I can see how that could be difficult. She went on to say that she hasn’t wanted to trigger an “intervention” from others. I said that I didn’t think I would enjoy an intervention either. She went on to say that if people haven’t cared to reach out to her by now, then it says a lot. I didn’t really know how to respond to that.
She brought up some names of our friends and asked me if they know. “I said I don’t know if they do, it hasn’t come up. I assume there are some people who know that I haven’t told. It’s a small world.”
She also brought up the disconnection between her and eldest son and talked about how she is being punished. I said, “you’re angry.” She said “yes he should just get over it.” I said, “ I hope you both will be able to share your feelings with each other when you’re ready.” She told me, “You need to tell him that you weren’t a good husband.” I told her that he and I are having honest conversations and I acknowledged to her that I have reflected on ways that I failed as her husband and there are many things I wish I would have done differently and learned earlier on. She said she wanted to hear me say that I just didn’t love her. I told her I couldn’t tell her that because I did genuinely love her in our marriage and that I wished I had learned how to build and strengthen a healthy marriage early on.
At that point, she started to own up to some of the ways she contributed to a poor marriage and didn’t show me respect. I listened. She told me that she is still trying to get IC. She went on to tell me a lot about the hopes and dreams and disappointments that she had had for our marriage and for herself.
So yeah, talks and engagement. I don’t know if I am happy I agreed to go out with her or not but it happened. It certainly was uncomfortable. There was no discussion of her affair, or the anniversary or really anything concrete or clear about the future.
W asked me out for a recreational evening. I had time available so I accepted and we met out in nature. Partway into our activities, W said,”Hey it’s been a long time of limbo now, I think it’s time we start telling people we are separated.” I replied, “I’m good with the number of people I have told, but if you need to tell someone, you can do that.” I asked if there was anything she needed clarity on with the sense of limbo. She said I just need to be able to tell people, like so when people ask me about you, I can say, “We’re separated. Ask him.” I said, “ok”
She let me know that she has ghosted some of her closest long time friends who have been reaching out to her because she hadn’t been wanting to talk about us. I said I can see how that could be difficult. She went on to say that she hasn’t wanted to trigger an “intervention” from others. I said that I didn’t think I would enjoy an intervention either. She went on to say that if people haven’t cared to reach out to her by now, then it says a lot. I didn’t really know how to respond to that.
...
At that point, she started to own up to some of the ways she contributed to a poor marriage and didn’t show me respect. I listened. She told me that she is still trying to get IC. She went on to tell me a lot about the hopes and dreams and disappointments that she had had for our marriage and for herself.
So yeah, talks and engagement. I don’t know if I am happy I agreed to go out with her or not but it happened. It certainly was uncomfortable. There was no discussion of her affair, or the anniversary or really anything concrete or clear about the future.
I can see how this kind of talk would be uncomfortable. But I have to say, I wish my W had this kind of talk with me. We aren't separated (yet), but it's become increasingly evident that she has discussed the state of our marriage with pretty much all of her family at this point, as well as at least some friends, and even at least one member of my family, all without telling me or asking if it's okay.
It appears that one of her coworkers is also egging her on, telling her "You're my hero" and "I am with you every step of the way" as far as dumping me is concerned.
I've owned up to my part in the situation, but she hasn't acknowledged anything specific on her end that has made things the way they are. (I can think of a few things she should own up to).
You seem to be establishing something of a good life for yourself outside of her. That is to be commended.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
So yeah, talks and engagement. I don’t know if I am happy I agreed to go out with her or not but it happened. It certainly was uncomfortable.
Well I will give you a B on your communication. Better than most do here. You still have room to improve. Keep up on your growth in this area.
I am not sure how many times you have declined her invites to do activities together, but from my limited information, I see this would have been a good time to reject her. You should be almost always unavailable to her. The more unavailable you are, the more she will pursue you. If I were to put a number on it, decline 9/10 invites. As for the 1/10 that you do accept, make is short. This type of behavior is DBing 101 and attraction 101.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Ok thanks. I have been declining, being busy and going out. And yeah I see that yesterday would have also been a good one to Decline. What are some communication improvements you can recommend for my grade on the interactions I described ?
I guess I’m trying to understand how a walk with her reminding you that you’re a crappy husband is a step in the right direction? My guess is she’s getting ready to go public with OM so she wants it clear you are separated. WWs always have an agenda.
W asked me out for a recreational evening. I had time available so I accepted and we met out in nature. Partway into our activities, W said,”Hey it’s been a long time of limbo now, I think it’s time we start telling people we are separated.” I replied, “I’m good with the number of people I have told, but if you need to tell someone, you can do that.” I asked if there was anything she needed clarity on with the sense of limbo. She said I just need to be able to tell people, like so when people ask me about you, I can say, “We’re separated. Ask him.” I said, “ok”
She let me know that she has ghosted some of her closest long time friends who have been reaching out to her because she hadn’t been wanting to talk about us. I said I can see how that could be difficult. She went on to say that she hasn’t wanted to trigger an “intervention” from others. I said that I didn’t think I would enjoy an intervention either. She went on to say that if people haven’t cared to reach out to her by now, then it says a lot. I didn’t really know how to respond to that.
She brought up some names of our friends and asked me if they know. “I said I don’t know if they do, it hasn’t come up. I assume there are some people who know that I haven’t told. It’s a small world.”
She also brought up the disconnection between her and eldest son and talked about how she is being punished. I said, “you’re angry.” She said “yes he should just get over it.” I said, “ I hope you both will be able to share your feelings with each other when you’re ready.” She told me, “You need to tell him that you weren’t a good husband.” I told her that he and I are having honest conversations and I acknowledged to her that I have reflected on ways that I failed as her husband and there are many things I wish I would have done differently and learned earlier on. She said she wanted to hear me say that I just didn’t love her. I told her I couldn’t tell her that because I did genuinely love her in our marriage and that I wished I had learned how to build and strengthen a healthy marriage early on.
At that point, she started to own up to some of the ways she contributed to a poor marriage and didn’t show me respect. I listened. She told me that she is still trying to get IC. She went on to tell me a lot about the hopes and dreams and disappointments that she had had for our marriage and for herself.
So yeah, talks and engagement. I don’t know if I am happy I agreed to go out with her or not but it happened. It certainly was uncomfortable. There was no discussion of her affair, or the anniversary or really anything concrete or clear about the future.
Red=
1) As I said earlier...intentionally decline..EVEN IF YOU ARE FREE...which you should not be..you should be busy learning, having fun, working,taking care of things, doing something exciting....
2) Do not ask her questions.
Yellow: H:"OK" was alright.... Better might be "You do what you need to do." or "Do not tell people to ask me. It is none of there business" or "I have no intention on telling anyone anything until we are officially divorced."
As far as responding to the "intervention": H:"I can see (or understand) why you would not want to trigger an intervention."
As far as the "I don't love you" convo: Less words is almost always better... the yellow is not needed.
I believe the greens were fine. Direct, strong, short, identifying her emotional state, hearing her.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
