My Story

[Sunflyer]

She just came to me and said this: "Today is our anniversary, and I know this is not the way we were planning on spending it, but I just want you to know that I do care."

Being detached enough to understand how to respond to these type of statements from women is important. Getting a high sexual market value attitude is part of that. Saying the unexpected. Behaving unexpected. A little shocking for her to hear. Has to be done in a very confident way, without any expectations from you.

H"Really? How about you show me how much you care." )

That's interesting. Perhaps I pull something like that out the next time I get that line from her. She seems to be following a stereotyped sort of script. On Father's Day, I got the same thing, but in written form: "I know you weren't planning on spending (insert name of special occasion here) like this, but I just want you to know I do care."

I am absolutely capable of saying something like what is under the spoiler without any hint of insecurity. Knowing her, it's very likely her response would be, "What do you mean?"

The statement under the spoiler could be interpreted a couple of ways. She could also interpret it as confrontational (as if I'm saying, "If you really cared, you wouldn't be seeking to end our marriage/break up our family.")

[Sunflyer]

I am keeping an eye on the thread. I know I'll need to start another one around 100 posts.

[Sunflyer]

W's surgery is today. Going to be a long procedure. Hoping for smooth sailing.

Graduation party for son yesterday was great. All seemed to have a good time. W treated my visiting sister and BIL well, but she did speak with my sister alone for a while. I hope she respected my wishes not to talk about our problems with her.

Last she updated me, she said that only her parents and brother knew. That is apparently out the window now, since I usually get at least a couple of anniversary messages from her other family members, and yesterday I got none. So presumably this has now spread to her entire family. And they will probably all be cheerleading for her to stick to her guns.

Marriages in my family are notoriously troubled. My parents didn't get along for most of theirs but stuck together anyway. Both were critically ill and hospitalized at the same time in April 2005, and I thought I was going to lose them both then. My mother pulled through, but my father did not. My older sister said that she told my father before he passed that my mom wasn't doing well, and he wept, after years of hardly speaking to her except to fight. My mother was so ill when my dad passed that we couldn't tell her until perhaps two months later. She also took it hard. "You have your differences, but..."

My older sister wasn't married too long when her husband divorced her for one of her coworkers, who was also her friend.

My sister who visited this weekend started her marriage with a hotheaded, very jealous husband who had a temper and who physically hit her due to imagined infidelities. (Think Robert De Niro in Raging Bull, if you've seen that movie). I wouldn't have blamed her for leaving him, and for a while I hoped she would. They worked everything out and have now been married for 32 years, with three grandchildren. BIL was, in fact, the life of the party yesterday.

Of all her children's spouses, I think my mom loved my W the best, and would have put money on us going the distance. If she were here, she might be surprised by which one endured, given the obstacles each faced.

[Ready2Change]

I am absolutely capable of saying something like what is under the spoiler without any hint of insecurity. Knowing her, it's very likely her response would be, "What do you mean?"

That is not the response you are attempting to induce.

Misinterpretation with some innuendo while calling her on her BS statement, all while using your humor and not being too serious. Twinkle in your eye.

Closest behavior I can come up with is "Craig Ferguson flirting"...watch some of the Youtube analysis of his behavior.

While working on your personal growth, you can test all kinds of new behaviors. The new behaviors will most likely feel uncomfortable.

[Ready2Change]

W's surgery is today.

This is when you are the emotional rock while still being compassionate.

[Sunflyer]

Just thought I’d throw this out there: does anyone have any novel suggestions on how to DB with a spouse that is homebound?

Assuming no complications emerge, W will be coming home from surgery tomorrow. Her parents will be here to help as much as possible but cannot be 24/7. Generally, whenever we are home together, I try to spend as much time as possible in another room. Not sure how effective that is, since one of her chief complaints was that I ignored her too much to begin with, but it’s all I’ve got. Much better to be out of the house, but other than when I’m at work that may not be possible for a while since there will be times she needs help.

[Ready2Change]

Just thought I’d throw this out there: does anyone have any novel suggestions on how to DB with a spouse that is homebound?....W will be coming home from surgery tomorrow....

I think I would be direct.

H:"W, how can I help?" and take her at her word.

[Sunflyer]

Rant warning. I apologize in advance but need to get it off my chest.

Had a bad night last night. Did not sleep well. Came home from work, W was home, her parents there. House was quiet; her mother was doing something on her phone.

I did a few things, came down to the kitchen, MIL said she didn't know I was home and then lit into me for not saying hi when I came in the door. I have had only one argument with this woman in the 25+ years I have known her. I apologized.

FIL was cordial but not as openly friendly as he has been. He bought me dinner, and I thanked him.

Upstairs later before bed, I could hear W and parents talking downstairs.

As I suspected, W did not keep confidence of our situation from my sister at S17's graduation party. Furthermore, she seems to have framed the narrative so that my sister sympathizes with her in leaving the M. The day of the party was also our anniversary. I usually get at least a couple of text messages from her family; I got none. So she has apparently told everyone and is in complete control of the narrative.

They discussed my involvement with the boys, and W continues to maintain it is lacking. She brought up my childhood and how my family was not close-knit. FIL said, "You would think he would have learned from that." She seems to be selling the story that I am repeating the parenting mistakes of my father, and her parents believe it.

She doesn't know what my childhood was like. My father was not hands on, very strict, intolerant of any opinions that didn't match his own, and hardly spoke to my mother except to fight. My mother actually sued him (with my sister's help) to get more support for the family when mom felt he was slacking off. It was ugly.

I am certainly not a perfect father. However, W used to praise my parenting, even to my mother when she was alive. I changed countless diapers, cleaned up vomit, took them to parks, took them to movies (even if I didn't care to see the movie myself). It is me who saw that they were fed and that S13 was driven back and forth while she was at her business events in the evenings recently. S13 had his first track season this spring, and I was at all three home meets. She attended one because (you guessed it) her side hustle called.

"I'll have a better schedule next year," she said. I am not sure how she knows that this early, unless she plans on curtailing work on her business.

"I do everything," she said. She apparently told my sister, "I have tried and tried." I am not sure what she means by that. She certainly didn't try to fix the M. Just lived with her grievances without airing them to me, until she said sayonara.

Oh, and something I should have mentioned previously but forgot: HER PARENTS GAVE US AN ANNIVERSARY GIFT (???!!!)

Seriously, I feel like I am living in crazy town. I am working early and staying at the office afterward to avoid dealing with her. Today she asked me when I would be home, and I said I am not sure. I am staying at the office and trying to maximize time away from the house because it's just not healthy there right now.

[Kind18]

That sounds so tough to have overheard all of that. You must be fuming!

I’m sorry you’re being treated so badly and blamed for everything Sunflyer.

And please don’t apologise for venting at the board - that’s what it is here for.

The first thing you need to do, is not respond or do ANYTHING for 48 hours.

But do acknowledge the physiological and emotional things you are feeling. Increased heart rate, sweaty palms, increased respiration rate, over stimulated, angry and disgusted. Acknowledge those things, let them flow over you. But whatever you do, don’t let those primitive responses control how you act/behave. It’s going to take minimum 48 hours for some emotional water to flow under the bridge, so you need to make sure that happens first so that measured, controlled, objective, calm Sunflyer is making the decisions.

The next part may sound like I’m having a go at you, but I’m not … hear me out.

The problem here … is your expectations.

You’re expecting her to act in an honest, respectful, accountable and reasonable way. But she won’t. Walkaway spouses/wayward spouses never do. To expect them to do so is, well, a fool’s errand.

Imagine you walk down the street. You find 100 men or women who are currently forcing divorce on their shell-shocked, unagreeable spouse. Perhaps they’re having an affair, a mid-life crisis, have found toxic new friends or their unresolved mental health issues are rearing up.

Then you ask all 100 of those bomb-dropping walkaways/waywards whose fault the divorce is. How many do you think would say it’s their own fault? One? Perhaps two out of a hundred?

Those other 98 people - are going to squarely place the blame exclusively at their ex’s feet. Human nature is that we don’t want to take responsibility for our own decisions or unhappiness. It’s in society all around us. It’s the follow on effect of the last thirty years where everyone had to get a participation certificate instead of being told “you didn’t win.”

So here we are, in a society where people who initiate a separation or divorce don’t have the guts to say “I’m a cheat” or “I got bored” or “I consciously choose to renege on my vows.”

What you’re expecting of her Sunflyer - it’s NEVER going to happen. Let me give you a few more examples with how this plays out in modern society:

1. Gets speeding ticket - “Wasn’t fair, cop was waiting at the bottom of a hill” rather than “I chose to speed.”

2. Hits car in front - “The road was wet and these tyres are crap” rather than “I was tailgating too close.”

3. Loses employment - “They bullied me” rather than “I was lazy at work and kept arriving late despite several warnings.”

4. Working in crappy job - “I couldn’t afford a college education” rather than “I chose to party and booze my money away rather than go to college.”

This is our society, and it’s not going to change. If you expect good things from people, you’re always going to be disappointed. If you expect her to project, blame, lie and play victim - well life’s going to be a whole lot easier. And let’s face it, if she actually owned her part in all this, you probably wouldn’t be at this website, would you?

Here’s my story:

My ex-wife was allergic to employment. Every time she started a new job, she had to leave because “they were being cruel to her” or because she faked panic attacks. She told me I was working too much and didn’t help her enough at home, but when I cut my hours back, she blamed me because she had to cut her clothing spending back 😳 She “had to” text her ex boyfriend because it was my fault that she felt lonely when I had to go away with my job. But when I worked interstate, I wasn’t allowed to socialise with any female colleagues (controlling much?). She also told her friends I was a s*** husband because I did so much of the housework it made her feel lazy 🙄 It was my fault that lawyer fees cost her a fortune, even though she filed and refused mediation. It was my fault she had an affair with one of the Dad’s on my kid’s soccer team. It was also my fault when he dumped her after getting in her pants for a few months, because our divorce was stressful and so she wasn’t nice to be around. I lost my job for 18 months during COVID, so she forced sale of the family home to get her hands on the money. But then it was my fault she had to move into a rental. It was also my fault when she got kicked out of her rental for trashing it and not paying her rent (even though she had hundreds of thousands of dollars of mine from the settlement).

Do you see my point?

WAS/WS will nearly always play victim so they don’t have to face themselves or their friends and family over what they’ve done.

I guarantee you no matter what you say, do, exhibit or prove, she will absolutely play that narrative for years to come, if not her entire life.

Any attempt by you to hold her accountable and clear your own name will make her accuse you of being manipulative or controlling.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to change her narrative. The best thing for you to do is to let it go, and make your all your decisions based on what you know is the right thing to do - not on how she might frame things to others or how you imagine people may perceive you.

It’s probably the hardest part of being a LBS. But trust me, one day you just won’t care.

[DnJ]

Good Morning SF

Heed Kind’s wise words. Definitely, give yourself 48 hours to settle before doing or saying something. Actions taken, decisions made, based upon emotions lead to regret.

As I suspected, W did not keep confidence of our situation from my sister at S17's graduation party. Furthermore, she seems to have framed the narrative so that my sister sympathizes with her in leaving the M.

She seems to be selling the story that I am repeating the parenting mistakes of my father, and her parents believe it.

"I do everything," she said. She apparently told my sister, "I have tried and tried."

These folks become master manipulators. Easily twisting their reality. Crafting their narrative to fit their wanted view. They will draw family members and friends into their world with these spun tales. They will promise to you - example not to tell your sister, and then do the opposite.

W is projecting upon you. She is blaming you. In fact, she’s likely the one repeating the ingrained parenting mistakes. All this, to further her feelings of justification for what she is choosing and doing/did.

Seriously, I feel like I am living in crazy town.

Yep. It’s a wild ride these folks are on. If we LBS stay on the rollercoaster we just get dizzy and nauseous! Step off the coaster, give her to God, let her traverse her wild ride, and look away from the train wreck.

I am working early and staying at the office afterward to avoid dealing with her. Today she asked me when I would be home, and I said I am not sure. I am staying at the office and trying to maximize time away from the house because it's just not healthy there right now.

It is really difficult to find one’s footing on how to “deal with” their errant spouse. SF, avoiding and ignoring are ok for short term strategies. Long term, you staying/hiding out at the office is equally unhealthy. Treat her as a roommate. Focus on you. Live (and love) your life.

D