My Story

[MikeP]

Just like Terapin, your story is the same as mine. With the exception being I knew there was an OM. The advice you are getting is spot on. I'm almost 14 months post bd, so I'm no expert. Having said that, I went through everything you are now and can tell you how it worked out for me. Post bd I became super husband-cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. Problem is, I already did my fair share, she was just rewriting history. It didn't work. She told me at one point I had become the perfect husband. Whatever. Perfect meaning the only one doing anything. Ended that and went back to doing my fair share, no more. She thought maybe we try an in home separation. Fine, feel free to move into the basement because I'm not leaving my bed. She didn't. Eventually she wanted to separate so she could decide between me and him. I told her I didn't want that however if she was set on separating I was not leaving my home and kids. So she moved in with her parents. Eventually, about a month later, I told her I would no longer share my wife with another man. Told her she had 24 hours to decide. Mind you I had not found this site yet and would have probably been told that I was being controlling. Doesn't matter. I was mentally exhausted and at the time it seemed like the best option. Surprisingly she came home. For many months things were bad and I felt like we were living on borrowed time. I adopted the attitude of not wanting to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. Things got better for me. All of this was to say-listen and use the advice you are receiving. You may not save your marriage. You can save you. Good luck. Also, typing these things I realize I said like Mr. Tough Guy doing all the hard, correct things. Far from it. The night she moved out was the hardest day of my life. Actually telling her to leave because I wasn't about killed me. I've been on here spilling my guts to complete strangers just to help with the pain. It isn't easy and it hurts. Just know that you are doing the right things to help you no matter how wrong it feels.

[Sunflyer]

Post bd I became super husband-cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. Problem is, I already did my fair share, she was just rewriting history. It didn't work.

Well, I was never super husband in this regard, and I haven't tried to become that now. But there are things I've always done, and I continue to do them. Load/unload dishwasher, finish/bring up laundry as needed (W and older son have a habit of leaving stuff in either the washer or dryer after it is finished), clean kitchen floor, etc.

Personally, I have never felt the need to be super caretaker of the household for two reasons: one, we have cleaners who come in regularly and two, because W has never seemed to care about this. Our dining room (including the table) is currently loaded with supplies for her side business. People coming over to eat meant putting that stuff somewhere else. Our bedroom floor is routinely littered with her clothes and other stuff, sometimes to the point that I have to step over them. (I refuse to clean them up for her. If I can keep my stuff off the floor, she can as well). The one or two times I mentioned it, she said, "You didn't marry Suzy Homemaker." Which, of course, misses the point entirely.

Our house has been entirely renovated since we moved in 23 years ago; some parts of it have been renovated twice. The only area that still needs to be done is the basement. She led me to believe we'd start working on that this year. In the basement I have a small "man cave" which is where all my junk is piled. I know the room needs to be redone, but I would need to come up with a plan for storing all my stuff, and unlike her I care what happens to my stuff. She has hounded me about what a mess the room is. This from the person who tosses clothes all over the floor and fills the dining room with business supplies. At least my junk is somewhere that no one can see it or trip over it!

I've been on here spilling my guts to complete strangers just to help with the pain. It isn't easy and it hurts. Just know that you are doing the right things to help you no matter how wrong it feels.

Mike, I understand completely. The pain is exquisite at times. It is painful to watch someone I thought I knew for 25 years transform into a flailing, destroying entity. Of course I don't mean she is literally being violent or screaming all the time; she's usually quite calm. It's her actions that constitute this.

I've got issues of my own. I made mistakes in my marriage, and I've suffered in the past from feelings of inadequacy. But one thing I am learning from all this is that my values, the ones I brought into the marriage, are still the same. Unlike hers, they haven't changed. And the more crazy things she does, the better I look to myself all the time. I have ideas for how to make our relationship better, but she is not in a position to hear them. And if she doesn't want to hear them, then I will take those ideas and put them into a relationship with another woman in the future. And that woman will benefit, and W will have lost out.

[MikeP]

It's crazy how much they change, isn't it. We all made mistakes, we just weren't always given the opportunity to correct those mistakes before shtf. As others have said, I don't believe any changes we could have made would have mattered all that much. Whatever brings on this "syndrome" is in that person, waiting to come to light at some point. IMO.

[Kind18]

The front of the card said "thinking of you at this difficult time."

What an idiot. Is she really dumb enough to give you a consolation card?

YOU REALLY NEED TO ASK YOURSELF IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE SO DUMB AND EMOTIONALLY RETARDED.

One of the most valuable things for me with DB.com was it showed me that what I considered crap behaviour is normal in the divorce world.

Every time I came here and said “My idiotic partner has said/done/been …” there would normally be someone that came along and said “That’s nothing, my WAS/WS did xyz …”

You have every right to be angry about her BS card, but it’s actually very consistent and normal behaviour for a WAS/WS. Ask DNJ about some of the crazy stuff his ex wife did - it boggles the mind.

These things become much easier to deal with if you adjust your expectations. Sending a condolence card seems like a stupid thing to do - for a normal person! But for a WAS/WS, it’s completely normal.

You can expect more dumb **** from her. Don’t let it rattle you. And know that thousands of people before you have been subjected to the same BS behaviour, and have got through it.

Probably this is very politically incorrect, but I’m going to say it anyway. Once I had my emotions under control post-BD, every time my ex wife did or said something stupid, I’d imagine she was mentally disabled or she’d been in a car crash and banged her head. Made it easier for me to ignore her and not get wound up by how wildly inappropriate she was being.

Expect more of the same 🤪 mate. You’ve got this 💪

[Sunflyer]

These things become much easier to deal with if you adjust your expectations. Sending a condolence card seems like a stupid thing to do - for a normal person! But for a WAS/WS, it’s completely normal.

She did wish me Happy Father's Day verbally, so I don't think it would have killed her to give me a card that said the same thing.

No card would have actually been preferable to the one I got.

Her parents and brother gave me actual, nice cards with cash and gift cards inside. And they are aware that she wants to divorce me. (I do not expect a gift from her, of course).

My niece (who talks to W a lot but is usually quiet around me) wrote "I love you so much" inside the card.

You can bet I will be keeping those cards.

If nothing else, any belief I might have had that I was the only one responsible for this situation evaporates with each of these actions.

[Sunflyer]

Busy weekend.

Yesterday was my older son's HS graduation in the morning, followed by a pizza party for BIL's son finishing elementary school.

Today is the graduation party for my older son. It's also our anniversary, which is now just another day. Last night W told me her parents gave us an anniversary gift (check). I was surprised, given the circumstances. She asked if we want to split it, which is our usual custom. I half-heartedly said, "I guess." It was very thoughtful of her parents, but honestly, I don't really care what she does with the money at this point. Money doesn't compensate for a family lost.

My younger sister will be at the graduation party. She is visiting from out of state and I rarely see her. W asked if I wanted to inform her of our situation at the party. I told her no, and I hope she doesn't go behind my back on this. I remained calm when she suggested this, but inside I wanted to scream. This is a happy event, with my sister whom I rarely see, and we're supposed to take her aside and say, "By the way, we're getting divorced?"

This is something I will handle with my family, when I feel it is appropriate. Today is not that day.

[Sunflyer]

She just came to me and said this: "Today is our anniversary, and I know this is not the way we were planning on spending it, but I just want you to know that I do care."

This is now becoming a standard phrase whenever she mentions anything relating to the R. I hear it over and over.

"I do care."

"I do care."

"I do care."

Sounds hollow to me.

[URS0]

I got this a lot too. I know how frustrating it is to hear it when their actions show this to be very much false.

As far as it concerns you it is hollow. What they do care about is the pain they are feeling when having to confront their wrongdoing and waywardness. We all tell ourselves stories. They can’t look at themselves in the mirror if they don’t believe they care. That’s her story and she believes it. And nothing you can say or do would change that. It [censored]! Hang in their, man!

[Ready2Change]

This is something I will handle with my family, when I feel it is appropriate. Today is not that day.

This is exactly the words you should have used with W. Firm and direct.

[Ready2Change]

She just came to me and said this: "Today is our anniversary, and I know this is not the way we were planning on spending it, but I just want you to know that I do care."

Being detached enough to understand how to respond to these type of statements from women is important. Getting a high sexual market value attitude is part of that. Saying the unexpected. Behaving unexpected. A little shocking for her to hear. Has to be done in a very confident way, without any expectations from you.

H"Really? How about you show me how much you care." )