Learning the ropes 2

[DnJ]

Hello MA

Your week away sounded great! Sun, good food, and pampered. D probably loved it too!

As for H, these folks can display some bizarre behaviours.

What is this all about? Is it anchor checking? Part of depression? Wanting to stamp his rights on the house?

Likely a bit of each, and more.

For sure H has periods of being depressed. And walking around a house he used to live in, feeling those ghost of older/different times, would stir plenty within him.

I’d suspect he got a big dose of feeling the loss of you and the M, something most spouses run from and do not face. As you said, H does tend to bury his head in the sand when he can get away with it.

The inquires H made regarding you, through daughter, sounds like anchor checking. Trying to see, trying to ensure, you are still upon the shelf. Of course, you haven’t been upon a shelf for quite some time. You are living, and not at his beck and call. The leaving spouse often expecting / assuming the LBS will pine for them. You having a luxury vacation likely skewed his view of things.

Logically, he knows we have a video doorbell and I have access to it. Feels like he's baiting me?

He could be. However, my gut “feels” like H would be more overt in effort to elicit a response from you. I think you may just be seeing how bizarre his life is. (The unvarnished glimpses into my XW’s life and her behaviour makes one’s head shake in bewilderment.)

How should I respond? D's prom is this week & I don't want to cause upset before the prom. Should I just ignore it & get the locks changed & not have him pet sit in the future? Should I confront him & lay my boundaries down? Any advice?

How to respond. Firstly, and most importantly, daughter’s prom!

Then…

Yes, ignore it, and get the doorbell changed. And I’d not ask H to pet sit in the future. Make other arrangements for kitty’s care.

In my opinion, this specific incident is not boundary worthy. Save such for if/when disrespectful behaviours occur.

I agree with Kind, you are doing well; measured, reasonable, and thought out responses/actions. You are in control of you!

D

[MA1970]

Thanks so much DnJ & Kind. I do feel I'm getting the hang of this now.

There has been more shenanigans yesterday (our 21st anniversary). Surprisingly, I wasn't upset by the date at all & didn't really spend much time thinking about it. However, H came round unexpectedly. He stayed for around 90mins. Said he was there because he didn't want it to be awkward at D's prom pics. It wouldn't have been awkward anyway!

H started saying he wanted to acknowledge the date (our anniversary). He apologised for not contacting me on my birthday in May and said he hadn't known what to do. He's going for IC and seems to find this helpful. He told me a little about it & I think they've got him spot on - avoidant personality stemming from abandonment issues in childhood. I told him I was really pleased he was having therapy and this will really help him be a different person in his relationship with OW. He said he could tell I've worked on me & I'm a different person. I agreed and said it's good that we can both be different within our next relationships. H then teared up saying he doesn't like me talking about future relationships. He still cares about me etc etc. I validated his feelings saying we had a lot of years yogether and it's understandable he would feel like he does. He then asked me directly if I still cared about him. I said I do care, you're the father of our children and we had a lot of happy years together. It's sad that it hasn't worked out but I hope we can both have happy futures. There was a lot of other stuff said. Him, asking me days and dates when I'm going out etc. I was calm throughout & happy with how I conducted myself but also noticed that it really didn't affect me. When he went to leave, he pulled me into a cuddle & hung on for grim death. He said I smelt nice & I just didn't reply. Said goodbye & genuinely felt OK. He text on the night to say it was really good to see & speak to me today. I didn't reply but will be seeing him again today for prom pics. No idea what's going on & don't really care either. Just odd after a few months of no contact & then this past weekend where he basically moved back into house to catsit without permission (he also apologised about that & I asked him to seek permission in the future because it is no longer his home)

It's all a bit odd, like DnJ said, possibly a bit of a lot of things. I'm not reading anything into it though. Today is about my baby girl having the best day at her prom

[DnJ]

Today is about my baby girl having the best day at her prom.

Perfect.

Hoping D has a fantastic day!

D

[MA1970]

Morning all, its been a couple of weeks since I posted. I've been feeling much more content and settled. Getting on with my life with little time spent thinking about H & really enjoying life. I feel happier than I've been in a long time, even before BD and genuinely think that everything that has happened in the last 7 months was meant to be. I hadn't realised how unhappy I'd been in the marriage, I just kept giving to everyone else & had very little left to give to me.

I'm in a bit of a dilemma & would value your thoughts. H contacted me yesterday via text asking if he could meet me today. At the same time, he text our friends (who have supported me through this & been brilliant in guiding me not to fall for his lies). I sat on the message & then replied several hours later saying I was busy till 3pm & would ketchup him know today if I had time to meet. In the meantime, he has met with our friend who has told me his relationship with AP has ended. He told our friend it just fizzled out because he wasn't fully engaged with her. His mind was still with me. I tend to think this is more lies! I'm meeting our friends later to get the full story & I'm also going to message him saying I need time before me & him meet.

This has completely messed with my head. It's been all I wanted for many months. However, I'm not sure it's what I want now. I really do feel my life has been happier without him in it for the past couple of months. I'm in a settled routine, I'm going out & enjoying life. I don't think I even want to take it steady & piece (is that what you call it?). Any thoughts on how I handle meeting up with him? I do genuinely care for him & don't want anything bad to happen to him. I'm also worried that I might make the wrong decision. I just feel I need more time on my own being single.

Any thoughts are much appreciated.

[Pattnee5]

I just feel I need more time on my own being single.

.

Hi MA,
So nice to read your latest update, I feel like we are on the same path and timeframe however you are miles ahead of my headspace/heart.
While I don’t have the most amazing advice I think you answered your own question right here.
Everyone on here always says how sometimes the WAS come running back and by then the LbS are moving on.

Trust your instinct. I think that’s one thing I have learnt in all of this. While I am quite a long way behind where you are, I am striving to be in a really balanced and grounded position hopefully soon so IF my H decides to pull a similar stunt I can make the best decision for me and my kids.

I think if it was me I would be making H life pretty darn difficult. My H has some serious bridges to rebuild and some serious trust to rebuild. We have to remember our old marriage is long gone and dead. We never step back into that. It has to be a whole new one.

Remember this happened FOR you not to you. And it seems to me you have absolutely succeeded in how you can grow and become better from this.

While I can’t give you any advice as I haven’t been there ( I’m still stuck atm)
I think your gut intuition is spot on. You’re not ready and you don’t trust him yet!!!

I’m so in awe of you 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻amazing job

[MA1970]

Thank you Pattnee, I follow your journey too & recognise the ups and downs & general craziness!

I've heard from friends who met H yesterday & he's pretty much repeating what he said the last time he tried to return. The only difference us that his relationship is over. He says it was mutual & she was like a drug to him that he was addicted to but gradually realised its me he loves & would like our relationship to work. I don't believe a word. I think she has ended it with him, probably because he's becoming dependent, possessive & jealous. Who knows? I guess it's just a waiting game to see where he goes from here?

I have the luxury of time & genuinely feel no urgency to do anything until I can decide what I want to do. I've arranged to see him on Wednesday on neutral territory to hear what he has to say. I won't be making any quick decisions though. My plan is to thank him for telling me what he has to say & being honest in that I don't know what I want and need time.

[Pattnee5]

I would say MA that H needs to work pretty darn hard to rebuild all the trust he has damaged especially his boomerang moments when he is
Lonely and been dumped( let’s be honest that’s what’s likely happened here)
You are truly an inspiration to me for the way you handle yourself now and I can only hope I am in the same state soon. Listen to your gut. Make him sweat for the longest time possible

[MA1970]

Thanks Pattnee for your lovely words. I absolutely don't know about the inspiration stuff. It's a damn hard journey but the people on here have kept me on the straight and narrow. I'm still learning & still seeking support for specific things that arise (hence latest post)

I think I've said to you before that your situation is harder than mine in many respects because your H is so present in your lives. My real change and proper detachment came when mine went no contact. It allowed me to fully focus on me without the constant triggers to the trauma he had caused. I used this time to build up my own life resources, which ultimately have led to me feeling happy. It's an emotion that has been absent in my life for a long time, sadly long before BD, which does lead me to reflect on BD not being the worst thing ever but an opportunity for growth and self discovery.

H has contacted me this morning to cancel our meet on Wednesday. He said he doesn't want to hurt me more & needs more time. I think this is also a sign of his own IC having an impact. I don't feel sad or churned up that he has cancelled. I just hope he has the support that I've had to help him work through the loss of his affair relationship breakdown. I think once he's over his limerance then his real work will begin when he fully processes everything he has given up for the affair. I worry about the impact of this on his mental health.

I genuinely think you're doing fantastic Pattnee & you are learning from all your little blips. Keep reflecting, keep being open to change and remembering that time is on your side. Nothing is forever. 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes in each hour. Just focus on small chunks of time on the bad days. Sending hugs

[Pattnee5]

Thanks MA for your kind words. Yes it certainly has been different for me because he has been so present. It was so hard to navigate. I may have been a complete shamble if he went zero contact but who knows.

I can def see all the things I have done wrong. I wasn’t firmer on my boundaries, let him come and go as he pleased really and seesaw between giving me hope ( false hope it seems now) with spending time together then ripping it all away. It certainly has been a journey.

I have started to implement some boundaries( which I don’t think have gone down too well as he has stormed off a few times)
I read something ages ago about ways that can really turn a separation around is attraction, connection and good separation boundaries. Well I think I did the GAL and the attraction ok but absolutely failed in the boundaries and maybe even the connection.

Now I am in a position where I don’t even know how to act around H without coming across angry or mean)
Goodness me what a balance act.

I think that’s such a positive step for your H to recognise he isn’t ready to talk as he doesn’t want to hurt you. He’s actually thought enough about your well-being first. ( or so we hope)
What a big move to actually acknowledge that and acknowledge the previous hurt he caused you.
Sounds like you’re doing all the right things at the moment and how amazing to rediscover yourself

[Rockon]

P5 what are some of the boundaries you have recently implemented. How did you decide on them and what did you do and say to establish and reinforce them?