It’s good to see your post since as you said, not many of us from our time are still around here. I am still here…although not as often…and glad you are too. I’m glad to hear that in general you are doing well. It is very sad about OW’s death. For your XH, for the kids and for you. I can understand how that would bring up so many feelings. I admire your strength and grace in how you have been handling it.
Your post about death vs betrayal/divorce really resonated with me. You described so accurately how it feels to me as well. Mach1, forgive me for not being able to relate to the death side as you have as I’m sure I might feel differently if I experienced that myself. But I haven’t, and even though I can see what you mean, I can’t fully grasp that experience. So, for now, I am in agreement with DejaVu6 on the glaring difference in how you feel and are treated post betrayal vs the death of a spouse. I’ve struggled with these differences a lot, especially as there is a close friend on my brother’s who’s spouse passed away, and the way my brother treats her versus the way I am treated is so vastly different. She is supported and surrounded by love, while I am questioned for any sign on not “over it” fully at this point. I feel so unseen, not just by my family but my friends as well. My struggle was very lonely, isolating and not really having anyone who could relate except those of us on this site. Another reason why this place was a refuge for me. And also why it’s been hard with so few of those who’ve been on this journey with me no longer here.
So, yes, we are better and have been generally doing well. But these feelings and these moments will still come up. For our loss, I don’t think there will never be complete closure. At least at this time I cannot see that. We will move forward with strength, we may forgive or become indifferent, but something will always remind us of what happened, of who our ex’s were (or weren’t), of what answers we will never have, the life we lost, etc. To me, to lose someone and know they loved you and what you had was real would be easier then losing someone and being left with all these questions about yourself, your life and your reality. And no matter what, people will look at you differently as well. With death there is sympathy. With betrayal/divorce there is judgement. It just is what it is and it kind of [censored].
Sending you love and hugs and again, I admire your grace and open heart. So much strength there. Better things are ahead for us.
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.