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My WW acknowledged that I have been thriving without her and she told me that she has even been telling her friends this. She commented on the positive changes I have made with regard to my health, taking care of our home, getting out and engaging with life, having friends. But she said, it’s too little too late and that she doesn’t buy it that the changes are real or lasting.

I replied,”I’m not asking or expecting you to buy it. This is who I am and who I need to be.


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Rockon,

Originally Posted by Rockon
My WW acknowledged that I have been thriving without her and she told me that she has even been telling her friends this. She commented on the positive changes I have made with regard to my health, taking care of our home, getting out and engaging with life, having friends. But she said, it’s too little too late and that she doesn’t buy it that the changes are real or lasting.

I replied,”I’m not asking or expecting you to buy it. This is who I am and who I need to be.
Not sure this is the best response. Remember don't challenge/debate her. The best response would've be to validate (E.g., "I understand you feel that way.")

Remember...Actions, not words. It's very common for LBSs to make changes and for WAS/WS to observe them but say "it's too little too late". You can't logic her out of this feeling or convince her she's wrong through your words. All you can do is really truly change in the long term for yourself.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
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BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
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Hello everyone,

It has been 8 months since I last posted. A lot has happened since then, and I apologize for not posting. I got busy with DB, went on GAL solo vacations, and at some point, I decided to take a break from the forum with the intent of coming back at the next inflection point.

So here I am. I would say we are at what is known as "PIECING". I can't say I am able to read the current situation accurately, but back in February, she had a conversation one night and said we should work on our MR. Her meltdowns have reduced - I'd say once a week. She snaps at me on trivial matters like before, but the frequency has decreased noticeably. During meltdowns, she reminds me that we are together for our son's sake and then always ends by telling me, "You know I am really trying very hard, right?" or "I have come a long way towards you since last year".

I think R2C had talked about the need for a contract of the sort necessary for piecing or moving toward it, but that has not happened. Although, I have reminded her that she is in no position to set any conditions. She didn't argue with me about that. A few times, she has thrown a hissy fit about putting her pre-marriage surname in my son's name, and I told her I would not negotiate. She has not brought it up recently. I don't know if she has any remorse and has never owned up to her affair. She has even said, "I love you" (I have not said it in return). At the same time, I know that she still has too much bitterness, and the imaginary grievances she has built up are far from gone.

As for me, I am continuing to GAL. I have another solo adventure coming up. I have become quite health-conscious, and I work out regularly. No complaints about work. I don't get angry at all. I maintain a calm tone even when she gets crazy. I get her flowers sometimes, and she likes that. In the next few days, I will make one dinner for her and my son (I don't cook, and she knows that, so this might go down well). We have sex regularly (this was a 180 during DB in 2022), but she often tells me that sex is not as good as in 2022 - it's as if she is already starting to find faults smile. We have taken short vacations, during which she behaves fine. For Mother's Day, we did a staycation at a nice hotel, and I got her a relatively expensive dress. She did not like it and told me several things - I am cheap, unlike some of her friend's husbands, I never spent much on her, and I always considered her undeserving. The following morning, she apologized for her behavior. This was surprising as she rarely ever apologizes.

It would be great if I could get some advice on my next steps and any tips on what should be top of my mind regarding our MR.

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YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT PIECING.

GAL like a mad man.

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Originally Posted by Boat14
YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT PIECING.

GAL like a mad man.

Haha okay. I like the way you put it. Why do you say that though? What do you make of her telling me that she wants to work on the MR.

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I am not an expert in piecing. Something I have not experienced.

You might be referring to this "thought process":
You have a private list of behaviors that you expect from her. Your non-negotiables. When she asks "What will it take for you to take me back", that is when the "I am not sure, what are you willing to change?" comes in. She will list things. "That is not good enough" is your response.

Sounds like you did not take this path. I am sure there are things that you can still do. There are 100's of solutions to each problem.

Lets take the "sex is not good". Go to the store and buy a few books for you to read to help you improve. The more important part is find two books for her to read. Lets say "How to give a better *** job". Give her the book as homework assignment.

See how she reacts.

Personally, I would want my lady to react enthusiastically. Anything else might need to be addressed.


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I think at best you’re plan B as she searches for OM2. I know it sounds harsh but that’s the reality of it. What’s the plan moving forward as far as IC/MC is concerned? The affair can not be swept under the rug. For you to have a successful relationship you have to see each other as people of value. Not a consolation prize until your son is of age.

Keep GAL like a mad man and really start to think if this is what you want moving forward.

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PB, there will be no ambiguity when you move into piecing. Piecing is not something you think you are in. It is not something you might be in. When you are in piecing, you will know.

When a WAS truly wants to work on the marriage, they usually do not articulate that. It is very rare for a WAS to say "Ok, I am ready to start working on the marriage." And even if they do you have to take it with a huge grain of salt. Especially if their actions do not back up their words. And in this case it sounds like you are not seeing that in her actions.

If you really want to test this, then start putting your requirements in front of her. You said R2C mentioned a contract for reconciling. It is less a contract than it is a list of requirements that you will require to consider trying to save the marriage. Things like full transparency from her. She doesn't get to have anymore secrets. You get to know where and what she is doing at all times. Including GPS tracking app on her phone so that her whereabouts are known (and yours are too) at all times. You get access to all email, social mediate and messaging accounts. Etc. Then you also require she get into IC, you continue IC (please tell me you are in IC!), and MC for both of you to attend.

You'll learn very quickly how serious she is about "wanting to work on the marriage".

As far as why she would say "I want to work on the marriage." I think boat14 is probably pretty close: to buy time. A monkey rarely jumps from the branch it is on until it has identified another branch that will support its weight. Often times when a cheater's AP breaks it off, the cheater will go back to the LBS. That is what PLAN B is! Plan A didn't work out, so I will fall back to plan B. Likely she is miserable because she had plan A built up in her mind that it was going to be rainbows and unicorns, and now, for the time-being, she has resigned herself to the drudgery of Plan B. Plan B is what she had before, that she was unhappy with and that opened her up to another plan to begin with. If you go back to business as usual, I can almost guarantee that you will be setting yourself for a future BD #2. Many of us have been there.

I agree with boat. Keep DBing. Focus on yourself, be the best dad you can be, GAL, continue to work on your own self-improvements, and then do not stop working towards proper detachment. In fact, google: "self-differentiation in marriage". That is your new normal. That is what you want to strive for. To be an individual that has no codependency on another human-being, and is just as happy by himself in his own skin as he is as part of a committed, mutually-satisfying relationship.

One last thing, I do see the regular sex as a good sign. One of the first signs my wife was coming back to the marriage was regular sex. However, it is a bad sign that she is complaining about it. It, again, sounds like Plan B.


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She’s monkey branching you. Don’t expect it to last.

Quote
She did not like it and told me several things - I am cheap, unlike some of her friend's husbands, I never spent much on her, and I always considered her undeserving. The following morning, she apologized for her behavior. This was surprising as she rarely ever apologizes.

You want some help with next steps?

Step 1 - work out if you REALLY want to be married to a selfish little girl who stamps her feet if she doesn’t get what she wants.

You know there’s real women (who act like adults) out there who will value and appreciate you?

Sounds like you’re trying to stay married to a baby.

Don’t buy her anything. Spend more time in your own. And if you want to check her resolve, tell her you are no longer willing to work on the marriage unless she commits to IC and MC. Then you’ll really see the truth.

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Originally Posted by Kind18
Don’t buy her anything. Spend more time in your own. And if you want to check her resolve, tell her you are no longer willing to work on the marriage unless she commits to IC and MC. Then you’ll really see the truth.
Kind is wise.

Get your private list of what you want out of a wife. See if her behavior fits. Do not supplicate.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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