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Sunflyer #2945743 05/24/23 09:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Sunflyer
I have put the ring in my pocket and put it on after leaving for work. I wear it when she is not around.
I believe this is perfectly ok for the short term.

In the big picture, you are worried about how SHE will respond to you wearing the ring. This is one of the biggest hurdles new posters have. They are focused on how their spouse is behaving and/or responding etc.


Now is the time to question everything you believe. Digging deep is important.
Compartmentalize everything.

Women test their men. It is an ongoing process, and it may be subconscious to her. Your goal is to pass the tests. Most of us arrive here failing all the tests.

Think about this statement:
"How can he protect me when he will not even stand up to me?"

Jordan Peterson talks about "Slaying the dragon". Another good talk is about "Beauty and the Beast". Take some time and listen to JP.


Back to the ring. You have your current beliefs on why/when you should /shouldn't wear it. Now is the time to question all of the beliefs you have around it.

From this point on, it is none of her business on why/why not you are wearing it. SHE HAS FIRED YOU as her husband. You make your decision and keep the reasons private.

Wear it if you want to project that you are standing for the marriage. Take it off the day the paperwork is signed.

Do not wear it. Show her that you are supporting her decision even though you disagree with it.

Wear it so that other woman know you are not on the market. "The LAST thing I need in my life right now is ANOTHER woman. Things are complicated enough already."




It is critical that you get ahead of her in this process. Everything she will do is scripted out. How you behave during this process MAY effect her.

She has lost her attraction for you. Changing your behavior is the only way to attract her back. Most get this wrong and do it to slowly.


How soon are you ready to support your wife and ask "How soon can you move out?"

These are two of my mantras:
"I don't want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me."
"I do not share my woman with other men."

Makes it pretty easy to make decisions have a good set of mantras. Start working on yours.

Stockdale paradox:
“You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” — Admiral James Stockdale.

Face the brutal fact that you are going to be divorced. Have faith that your changes will give you the best chance at saving the marriage. She may like what she sees and have a change of heart.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Sunflyer #2945744 05/24/23 09:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Sunflyer
This is possibly a silly question, but I welcome opinions from anyone.

W is not wearing her wedding ring. I continued to wear mine for a few days after she expressed her anger and dissatisfaction.

Then I started thinking: could my wearing it be taken as some kind of nonverbal, passive aggressive signal? She thinks our relationship is broken; I think it is fixable. Wearing my ring would remind her of that difference.

The last couple of days, I have put the ring in my pocket and put it on after leaving for work. I wear it when she is not around. It comforts me and is a symbol that I am not ready to give up on us.

When my W BD'd me 5 years ago she stopped wearing her ring. I continued to wear mine. Not sure why, except I was still legally married. I also wanted to maintain my desire to save the M. When W agreed working on the M and going to MC, one of my stipulations was for her to put her ring back on. She did.

Weird thing now, when she pulled this 6 weeks ago, she still wears her ring everywhere, even though she filed on Monday. I, on the other hand, haven't worn mine for the last 3 weeks, when she initially told me she consulted with a L. She hasn't said anything about it, and I don't really care what she thinks about it. Like someone else said, she fired me as her H, and after she officially filed I feel like she isn't deserving of me wearing a ring that symbolizes my commitment to her.


Married: 15yrs
Ages: Me 49, W 44
Kids: S12
BD: around 4/14

Sunflyer #2945745 05/25/23 11:22 AM
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My opinion is and always has been that as long as you're married you wear your ring.

I haven't had time to give you a proper response to your OP, but SF remember focus off of her. Completely. That includes giving a crap what she thinks about you wearing your wedding ring. You are overthinking it which is a very common thing for a LBS to do.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Terapin #2945747 05/26/23 12:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Terapin
after she officially filed I feel like she isn't deserving of me wearing a ring that symbolizes my commitment to her.

I hear what you're saying. If things get to that point here, I might think differently about the ring.


Me 59 W 47
T 26 M 23
S18, S14
BD May 2023
D filed June 2023
OM1 confirmed: December 2023
OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Sunflyer #2945748 05/26/23 12:10 PM
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Just a brief comment. The next family event is on Sunday for Memorial Day. W's brother is hosting once again.

She's good with my being there. (I didn't ask her how she felt about my attending, so no prompting from me).

Last edited by Sunflyer; 05/26/23 12:11 PM.

Me 59 W 47
T 26 M 23
S18, S14
BD May 2023
D filed June 2023
OM1 confirmed: December 2023
OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Sunflyer #2945752 05/26/23 05:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Sunflyer
Just a brief comment. The next family event is on Sunday for Memorial Day. W's brother is hosting once again.
This is one of the first questions my DB coach asked me:

Is it better for you to go and she resents you being there? OR Is it better for you not to go and have her miss you?



Is there something that you could do that you would enjoy more? (Yes, this is part of your new decision making process.) Or be better for your personal growth. (Read the art of seduction).

You might want to get your own list of decision making questions clarified to help in your DBing efforts.


What works is counter-intuitive. (Burn this statement into your brain).


Most likely you will want to justify going:
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
She's good with my being there. (I didn't ask her how she felt about my attending, so no prompting from me).

Whatever choice you make, your W will use it against you.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Ready2Change #2945753 05/26/23 07:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Is it better for you to go and she resents you being there? OR Is it better for you not to go and have her miss you?

Perhaps I didn't explain well enough. She didn't come to me and say, "It's okay if you attend this weekend" or "I'd prefer you weren't there this weekend."

It was always presumed we'd be attending as a family, before any of this started, and nothing has occurred to change that.

She is completely inscrutable at this point. Yesterday she seemed in a good mood, asked me how I was when she texted me. When I replied hoping she was having a good day, she came back enthusiastically. Today she seems down again.

She might resent me if I go; she might miss me if I don't. She might secretly wish she could have an open talk that clears the air and begins the healing, or she might be thinking that I'm a parasite in her hair.

Thus, I'm inclined that whatever I end up doing should be what makes me happy, without worrying about what she is thinking.


Me 59 W 47
T 26 M 23
S18, S14
BD May 2023
D filed June 2023
OM1 confirmed: December 2023
OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Sunflyer #2945754 05/26/23 09:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Sunflyer
Perhaps I didn't explain well enough.
You did. I understood.


Originally Posted by Sunflyer
She didn't come to me and say, "It's okay if you attend this weekend" or "I'd prefer you weren't there this weekend."
Until invited, I would assume she does not want you there based on this statement:
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
she responded that we were more than troubled and that she didn’t think our relationship could be repaired.
So it is important to give her space.

One idea around here is to accept some, but not all initiations by her to do something together. Part of this is doing things apart from each other. Not sure if you did things together much as a couple.


Originally Posted by Sunflyer
She is completely inscrutable at this point. Yesterday she seemed in a good mood, asked me how I was when she texted me. When I replied hoping she was having a good day, she came back enthusiastically. Today she seems down again.
It is good to be in tune with how she is feeling emotionally. Learning to not let her emotional state effect yours is part of learning process. We are all at different levels on this ability.


Just know this is brainstorming. You have to figure out what your 180's are. Most that show up here lack (or at least lost) similar skills. The way I behave around my current lady is vastly different than the way I was around my X.

Make your choice and enjoy the day...do not let W behaviors effect your emotional state.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Ready2Change #2945755 05/26/23 11:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
One idea around here is to accept some, but not all initiations by her to do something together. Part of this is doing things apart from each other. Not sure if you did things together much as a couple.

We do have our own unique interests, and have never objected to the other pursuing them individually. I try to pursue mine when she is at work or otherwise occupied. (Our work schedules don't always overlap, so I can find time to do this).

Family gatherings have always been as a couple, unless one was legitimately ill or had some other pressing circumstance that intervened.

Her complaint is that when we are not pursuing our individual interests, I am not doing enough things with her. Not enough walks in the park, date nights, whatever. We used to do those things more.

That complaint is legitimate. I won't excuse my part of it, but I think both of us have had issues making time for each other.

I fell into the work/kids trap, where my main focus was on what I needed to do for work and what I needed to do to keep the kids happy, if she could not or if she wasn't home.

She works in public accounting and has multiple deadlines each year requiring significant overtime. It got to the point that she was so burnt out last year, as her firm piled more work on her rather than hire more help, that the job was taking a toll on her mental health. She actually had a new job offer in hand and resigned. But they lured her back with a massive raise and concessions, including a new hire.

On top of this, in 2021, she and her brother started the aforementioned business, which they work on together a couple of nights a week. That business has somewhat changed focus, but she still has commitments with him two or three nights a week, typically.

I busied myself with hobbies if I felt she was tired from work.

She came home tired a lot. If I was interested in sex, I didn't ask because I felt guilty. It became less frequent, but was still good when we had it.

Throw this stuff in the pot along with the fact that she feels I don't compliment her enough or thinks I no longer find her attractive, and here we are.

I wouldn't mind having a few initiations to do things from her, so I could turn some down if I choose, but I have a feeling none are coming anytime soon.

And I am not in a position to ask, since that would put pressure on her. I can't ask for "dates" at this point, even if I would like to.


Me 59 W 47
T 26 M 23
S18, S14
BD May 2023
D filed June 2023
OM1 confirmed: December 2023
OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Sunflyer #2945762 05/27/23 11:37 PM
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I'd suggest that you attend tomorrow's event (if she has not uninvited you already). Make it a test of your detachment and inner strength. You have nothing to lose. Have a good time. She might notice and make some conclusions, but that should not matter to you. Otoh, do not go if she has been using the hosting brother as a close confidant and if he has been supporting her WAW disposition.

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