My Story

[Ready2Change]

I can't compliment my woman enough either. I am not sure any guy can. We can only do our best.

We can always do more compliments while the relationship is in good shape. The issue for you is you are in triage. She might feel like you are doing it to manipulate her into staying.

She knows you better than anyone else on the planet. This is a big hurdle.


Making permanent changes to your behavior is all that you can do. She might like them, she might not. The bigger issue is do you like them? That is your measuring stick now. Only you can figure out what changes you need. Then you can watch your behavior and see if you are behaving the way you want.

I share what worked for me. Others here share what worked for them. I used the "learn dirty talk" as an example. You said you are already skilled at that. There are 1000's of changes you can make. What is attractive and seductive to woman in general? Her specifically? These are questions for you to ask yourself.

Same thing for the "dating". What would be fun and exciting? Make plans to go do them.

This is how I typically ask my lady out:

"I am going to (name the activity). Would you like to join me?"

You can test this out with your lady. Monitor her response. You should easily be able to tell if she is receptive.

During this phase, it is imperative that you avoid R talk at all costs. You just be. Be in the moment.


Take a look at how much non-sexual touch happens. You can "test" this.

"A Touch Charge is a loving physical gesture with your spouse. It's not foreplay or an advance for love making; it's just a warm touch for the sake of connecting in that moment."

Most around here do not advocate snooping to see if OM is an issue. IF OM is in the picture, it makes things a whole lot more complicated and the tactics are way different than if W is just done with the way the marriage is.

[Sunflyer]

I'd suggest that you attend tomorrow's event (if she has not uninvited you already). Make it a test of your detachment and inner strength. You have nothing to lose. Have a good time. She might notice and make some conclusions, but that should not matter to you. Otoh, do not go if she has been using the hosting brother as a close confidant and if he has been supporting her WAW disposition.

To my knowledge, she has not. I briefly thought about talking to him myself but quickly squashed that idea. Don't want to bring family members into it at this stage that may not be involved.

The only person that I know for a fact has some involvement is her mother. Around the time the you-know-what hit the fan, she said she went to talk to her mother because she wanted help dealing with the fact that she was "not in a good place" right now. She says that she kept the conversation to generalities rather than specifics of the situation.

[Sunflyer]

I can't compliment my woman enough either. I am not sure any guy can. We can only do our best.

We can always do more compliments while the relationship is in good shape. The issue for you is you are in triage. She might feel like you are doing it to manipulate her into staying.

Exactly. That is why I have shut that down. If she asks me how she looks, I will tell her honestly, but I am not going to start dropping honorifics into my speech just because.

Making permanent changes to your behavior is all that you can do. She might like them, she might not. The bigger issue is do you like them? That is your measuring stick now. Only you can figure out what changes you need. Then you can watch your behavior and see if you are behaving the way you want.

Started making a few little tweaks. So far, they feel good to me.

Same thing for the "dating". What would be fun and exciting? Make plans to go do them.

This is how I typically ask my lady out:

"I am going to (name the activity). Would you like to join me?"

You can test this out with your lady. Monitor her response. You should easily be able to tell if she is receptive.

I think it's still to early for this. Might come off as manipulative at this stage. But I will continuously feel the waters and make suggestions when appropriate.

During this phase, it is imperative that you avoid R talk at all costs. You just be. Be in the moment.

It's completely off the table, and I won't touch it at all right now.

[SteveLW]

It's completely off the table, and I won't touch it at all right now.

You sure about that? Can you tell me what R talks are to you?

[Sunflyer]

It's completely off the table, and I won't touch it at all right now.

You sure about that? Can you tell me what R talks are to you?

Any discussion that mentions the following:

1. our past dating history or the status of our marriage in the past

2. the present or future status of our marriage

3. our sex life

4. anything that might be construed as an attempt to arrange a "date" or time to be spent alone as a couple

[Sunflyer]

So the latest update in my situation is that things are apparently going to be moving very quickly.

W was out on a walk today and I took a look in her planner. She's drawn up all her legal questions and proposal for dividing assets.

Looks like she is targeting August 1 as the date when she wants me out.

[Ready2Change]

Looks like she is targeting August 1 as the date when she wants me out.

Reverse the script. She wants the divorce. She moves out.

[DnJ]

Hello SF

I agree with R2C. Flip her script.

Do not move out. Do not abandon the homestead. In some locales moving out has serious legal consequences. Have you spoken to lawyer yet? Ensure you know your rights and the best, worst, and likely outcomes in a separation. And do not tell W about what you learn. She is currently not on team Sunflyer.

Also, do not move out of the master bedroom. W wants out, let her move to the spare room, or the basement, or the Harry Potter room under the stairs.

Give her lots of time and space. Focus on you and the boys. Definitely, no R talks. (Nice definition by the way.) And let her do what she will.

D

[Sunflyer]

Hello SF

I agree with R2C. Flip her script.

Do not move out. Do not abandon the homestead. In some locales moving out has serious legal consequences. Have you spoken to lawyer yet? Ensure you know your rights and the best, worst, and likely outcomes in a separation. And do not tell W about what you learn. She is currently not on team Sunflyer.

D

The possible legal implications of moving out were an immediate concern. I am awaiting callback from a lawyer and have started researching this.

My sister lives nearby, and I do see her frequently, but I have not spoken about any of this to her yet. My wife has asked me twice if I have told her anything about the situation. The second time was today. I told her no both times. On two recent occasions when W saw my sister, she thought she saw her making odd expressions and interpreted that as my sister's knowing more than I let on. During the unpleasant events of Mother's Day weekend, she became quite strident about this to the point that I had to swear on the boys that I have told her nothing.

Today she was calmer, and the brief reference to my sister is the first mention she's made of our situation in two weeks.

My current impression is that despite my earlier protestations, W thinks I am quite okay with what's going down and am simply to acquiesce to everything like a puppy.

[Ready2Change]

My wife has asked me twice if I have told her anything about the situation. The second time was today. I told her no both times.

From now on, find a good way of saying: "That is non of your business" if she ask you anything about your personal life. IE where you are going, what you are doing, what you are talking about with other people.

The rules of interacting with her are way different now.

W thinks I am quite okay with what's going down and am simply to acquiesce to everything like a puppy.

Project that you are going to thrive without her. Her lose.

You are now an emotional rock. Hold steady no matter how rough the storm.