I'm Back! (2)

[Ready2Change]

she's been secretly stashing money to prepare for this.

It is still marital assets. If/when the legal part has started, make sure it is part of discovery.

I found out my X was selling stock without my knowledge to start the legal process. Just part of their script.


Do what you can to protect.

[Terapin]

she's been secretly stashing money to prepare for this.

It is still marital assets. If/when the legal part has started, make sure it is part of discovery.

I found out my X was selling stock without my knowledge to start the legal process. Just part of their script.


Do what you can to protect.

I took a picture of her text message saying how much money she has in there. How do people live with themselves pulling this [censored] on people they supposedly 'love'. Even if she doesn't love me, I would hope she loves our son, but she doesn't care one bit what this is going to do to him.

[Terapin]

I'm feeling pretty bad this morning. I'm at work, and I know that at this moment W is meeting with her L and filing. Son also left for his 6th grade camp, and won't get home till Wednesday. In almost 13 years I don't think I've ever went 2 days without seeing him. And thinking about how in a few months, it'll be normal not to see him for days/week at a time really makes me mad.

Also not really looking forward to being in the house alone with W the next two nights. I'll go find something to do, but money's so tight right now I hate even spending $20 on dinner. This [censored]

[Boat14]

It looks like you are exiting the denial stage and are moving into the anger stage. This is part of the process you have to go through. Unfortunately there are no short cuts. I know you don’t believe this now but in time you will adjust to seeing your son less. You will see him less but the time you spend with him will be more meaningful and fulfilling. It’s hard to see now but in time you will understand.

It doesn’t make sense to the LBS how they are willing to give up half their time with their children. We have seen some here willing to give them a way. That’s how unhappy they are right now. Only time will tell if you were the sole reason for her unhappiness.

[Rockon]

T, I’m sorry man. That does (censored) and I feel some of what you describe. Take really good care of yourself. What are some things you can plan/schedule these next couple days for you?

[DnJ]

Good Morning T

It’s perfectly normal to feel angry and upset; it’s part of grief. Feel those emotions, safely express them, work/sweat them out, let them wash over you.

Do be careful of reinforcing those feelings; and their influence upon you, your outlook, and life.

I'm so mad that our son is going to go from living in a beautiful home in a great neighborhood to splitting time between two apartments or slum houses.

This is quite an assumed bleak future. You might end up in a different house. Maybe even a smaller house or apartment. A slum? That’s unlikely. You do control you, and you can make your house, regardless of its size, a wonderful loving home for you and son.

The future is unknown and unwritten, let it unfold. Fear causes one to imagine bleak hurtful futures. Very often, that worse case never comes to pass.

How do people live with themselves pulling this [censored] on people they supposedly 'love'.

Very poorly.

People’s conduct and choices do eventually come back around. They may put on a mask, a facade, of how wonderful everything is with such “awesome” choices. Yet, in the dark stillness of night, laying in bed, one’s regrets and demons will play.

They live a tormented life. Betrayal is the worst thing one can do. Betraying loved ones will haunt.

Even if she doesn't love me, I would hope she loves our son, but she doesn't care one bit what this is going to do to him.

Be careful of mind reading or surmising her state.

She “appears” to not care. True, folks lost in turmoil have a lack of empathy. Sometimes, that is from such internal torment and pain, that they must mute, end, their feelings. They simply cannot handle it. They are cranked all the way up to eleven, and desperately looking for peace/relief. And desperate people do desperate things.

Every day I develop more and more resentments for her. I don't think I'd ever want to reconcile. I've put up with her crap for far too long.

Yep. Resentment can build.

This path doesn’t serve you.

Look deep. Do you really want to feel, believe, live, full of resentment?

Most often resentment grows from unmet expectations. Let go and give her to God.

It takes a certain amount of understanding, of rationalizing, before one will let go. You are getting there. Place the majority of your focus upon you and son. GAL. Dial your expectations and those imagined future down. You do need to plan for various possible outcomes, and yet live a more middle of the road life.

In life, we do have to play the cards we’re dealt. Realize, there are still more cards to deal, and more hands to play here. Dig for patience, it’s a long game. Time is a gift, use it wisely.

…she doesn't care one bit what this is going to do to him.

As for what it will do to for your son. That, is well within your influence.

Do not demonized his Mom. Love son unconditionally. Be his rock. The strong stable parent. He will lash out to you. That’s often to you, not against you. Perfectly fine, for he cannot risk losing his Mom, so he will seek you.

He will also seek you for the rest as well. Be his role model. A living example.

Last week, I was helping my youngest son move to his new apartment in a different city. We got to travel together for many hours, and we got to talk plenty. His point of view, his words, his open honest unprompted sharing:

All this changed him. Mom leaving. The divorce. And most especially my leading. This terrible unwanted situation made him a better person than he’d likely have been.

Consider that. Just how transformative, how positive this situation can be. It up to us to turn what “can be” into what “will be” and eventually “is”.

I control me. And I do exert influence. Gentle steering, understanding, kindness, compassion, empathy, forgiveness. All these tenets my son (and the other three kids at other times) spoke of, and how he saw them in me, experienced and found them, and is continually working towards them. He is much more emotionally aware. A straight up better man and person.

We don’t get much say in the cards we are dealt. We do get say in how we play. And the goal(s) of the our game.

You do set the rules of your game, of your life, of how you play.

The benefits that are possible from this journey can far outweigh the destruction and hurt.

D

[Terapin]

It looks like you are exiting the denial stage and are moving into the anger stage. This is part of the process you have to go through. Unfortunately there are no short cuts. I know you don’t believe this now but in time you will adjust to seeing your son less. You will see him less but the time you spend with him will be more meaningful and fulfilling. It’s hard to see now but in time you will understand.

It doesn’t make sense to the LBS how they are willing to give up half their time with their children. We have seen some here willing to give them a way. That’s how unhappy they are right now. Only time will tell if you were the sole reason for her unhappiness.

I think the anger has been there. lol. She withdrew $500 from our savings account this morning to help pay for her lawyer. I just transferred the same amount to my checking account, as well as adjusting my direct deposit to only send some of my paycheck to our joint account. I also ordered checks, removed her from my life insurance, and set up a consultation with another lawyer for next week. Oddly enough, all of this stuff felt pretty good to do.

She has told several people that I've been in 'denial' about this whole sitch, and I'm not 'accepting' what is happening. lol. Self centered to the extreme.

[Terapin]

T, I’m sorry man. That does (censored) and I feel some of what you describe. Take really good care of yourself. What are some things you can plan/schedule these next couple days for you?

Thanks Rock. I've been following your threads as well. It [censored].

I'll find ways to keep myself busy. I have baseball practice tomorrow. Tonight will be tough though. She may tell me she filed today. I'll probably just say 'cool' and walk away.

[Terapin]

Good Morning T

It’s perfectly normal to feel angry and upset; it’s part of grief. Feel those emotions, safely express them, work/sweat them out, let them wash over you.

Do be careful of reinforcing those feelings; and their influence upon you, your outlook, and life.

I'm so mad that our son is going to go from living in a beautiful home in a great neighborhood to splitting time between two apartments or slum houses.

This is quite an assumed bleak future. You might end up in a different house. Maybe even a smaller house or apartment. A slum? That’s unlikely. You do control you, and you can make your house, regardless of its size, a wonderful loving home for you and son.

The future is unknown and unwritten, let it unfold. Fear causes one to imagine bleak hurtful futures. Very often, that worse case never comes to pass.

How do people live with themselves pulling this [censored] on people they supposedly 'love'.

Very poorly.

People’s conduct and choices do eventually come back around. They may put on a mask, a facade, of how wonderful everything is with such “awesome” choices. Yet, in the dark stillness of night, laying in bed, one’s regrets and demons will play.

They live a tormented life. Betrayal is the worst thing one can do. Betraying loved ones will haunt.

Even if she doesn't love me, I would hope she loves our son, but she doesn't care one bit what this is going to do to him.

Be careful of mind reading or surmising her state.

She “appears” to not care. True, folks lost in turmoil have a lack of empathy. Sometimes, that is from such internal torment and pain, that they must mute, end, their feelings. They simply cannot handle it. They are cranked all the way up to eleven, and desperately looking for peace/relief. And desperate people do desperate things.

Every day I develop more and more resentments for her. I don't think I'd ever want to reconcile. I've put up with her crap for far too long.

Yep. Resentment can build.

This path doesn’t serve you.

Look deep. Do you really want to feel, believe, live, full of resentment?

Most often resentment grows from unmet expectations. Let go and give her to God.

It takes a certain amount of understanding, of rationalizing, before one will let go. You are getting there. Place the majority of your focus upon you and son. GAL. Dial your expectations and those imagined future down. You do need to plan for various possible outcomes, and yet live a more middle of the road life.

In life, we do have to play the cards we’re dealt. Realize, there are still more cards to deal, and more hands to play here. Dig for patience, it’s a long game. Time is a gift, use it wisely.

…she doesn't care one bit what this is going to do to him.

As for what it will do to for your son. That, is well within your influence.

Do not demonized his Mom. Love son unconditionally. Be his rock. The strong stable parent. He will lash out to you. That’s often to you, not against you. Perfectly fine, for he cannot risk losing his Mom, so he will seek you.

He will also seek you for the rest as well. Be his role model. A living example.

Last week, I was helping my youngest son move to his new apartment in a different city. We got to travel together for many hours, and we got to talk plenty. His point of view, his words, his open honest unprompted sharing:

All this changed him. Mom leaving. The divorce. And most especially my leading. This terrible unwanted situation made him a better person than he’d likely have been.

Consider that. Just how transformative, how positive this situation can be. It up to us to turn what “can be” into what “will be” and eventually “is”.

I control me. And I do exert influence. Gentle steering, understanding, kindness, compassion, empathy, forgiveness. All these tenets my son (and the other three kids at other times) spoke of, and how he saw them in me, experienced and found them, and is continually working towards them. He is much more emotionally aware. A straight up better man and person.

We don’t get much say in the cards we are dealt. We do get say in how we play. And the goal(s) of the our game.

You do set the rules of your game, of your life, of how you play.

The benefits that are possible from this journey can far outweigh the destruction and hurt.

D

Thanks. I understand and agree with this. I know she really loves our son, and she'll continue to be there for him, just like I"ll be.

I do worry about our living arrangements. Neither of us will be able to afford very much in the way of houses, at least for a few years. By then he'll be turning 18.

I'm glad to hear that about your son. That makes me feel better, and it's not like D is uncommon these days, so lots of kids have to deal with it. Hell, D is pretty much promoted by the media, movies, etc. It's just a shame some people buy into it.

[Terapin]

W told me she did indeed retain a lawyer today. She tried showing me some bank account stuff to prove that she isn't hoarding money (this in response to me withdrawing money today). Wait till she sees only 75% of my paycheck deposited this week.

Apparently we're still going to be amicable. She said she still wants 50/50 custody. That's a huge relief. We talked about him for a while, and I sat there and listened to her babble about how this is actually what's best for him, how she wants to make this as easy on him as possible, etc, etc. I couldn't take it anymore so when she asked for my 'thoughts', I essentially told her that I can't even describe the amount of resentment I have for her for putting everybody through this, again. All she said in return was that I was free to feel however I want.

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that in a year or two my life will be a helluva lot better. Not worrying about jumping through hoop after hoop after hoop just in hopes that she'll show the slightest bit of love in return. I guess i should consider myself lucky that she's not going to drag this out and make it ugly (at least for now).