I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[Pattnee5]

Hi everyone

It’s been a month or so since I posted an update but have been sitting back and reading alot of the forums and advice. Not a whole lot has changed on my end. H was still involved and coming and going a lot with the kids, almost playing happy families even started opening up a little more about his emotions, wanting to watch a movie, go for a walk etc. I thought maybe we were making progress but of course no, he retreats back into the cave the moment the wedding anniversary approaches and decides he needs space again, I’m smothering him, I still don’t love you you broke my heart, I can’t see myself coming back home and getting in bed with you… blah blah all the normal attacking things where I am to “blame” for all his issues. I stood up for myself this time at least and voiced my piece but I did it in a letter where I wouldn’t get attacked. I basically told him some home truths and how he hasn’t been the easiest person to love but I dig deep. I even told him I too don’t want to be married to the man he has become the last two years and he too has been a difficult person to love (it’s like the world came out of covid lockdowns and left him behind. All he wants to do is work, do errands for the kids, play video games and drink all in his same sweatpants. He has developed so much social anxiety, refuses to dress nicely and I recently found out he even forgets to brush his teeth which he has NEVER been like that and always took so much pride in his appearance.)

He really is a broken mess and the more I think it’s some sort of midlife transition where everyone else is to blame but himself. Me? I am fine. Sure I still have a teary privately from time to time but his latest retreat back into his cave hasn’t seemed to affect me as much as in the past. I knew he wasn’t fixed and honestly believed no words or actions that he was getting better especially when he hadn’t want to help himself and continued on his path of self sabotage and self medicating with alcohol.

I’m doing good most days keeping focused on me and the kids, work is good and busy and getting out to more social events now which is great. The “fake it until you make it” is starting to pay off. I am keeping my space from H too now. He can go and deal with his own mess and situation on his own I want no part in this version of him. It’s like he is drowning in a pot of bubbling stuff of all his emotions and thoughts and negativity. I have been very patient and keep trying to pull him up out of that pot but he keeps resisting. So I’ve finally let go and it’s up to him now to sink or swim.

Happy anniversary to me next week hahah. I’ve planned a fun day with the kids and dinner with friends. I do feel sorry for H, seeing a man you loved for so long and grown up with, on a self destructive path with no desire to receive help. He’s still angry at life, agitated etc, but at least now there is distance between us I am no longer in the firing line. If this is a MLC all I can say is wow what a journey.

I do still deeply love him (how can I not for so many years) but now at least I don’t mind which way this goes. Like I told him I certainly don’t want him like this as my husband. Where we are in the same boat. I’ve done a lot of growth this last 4 months living seperate. Has it been easy? Heck no, so many tears emotions and my very big broken heart. However my future looks bright I am such a positive person in life (the polar opposite of H right now). I finally realise this is my life story and I am the main character. 😄

[MA1970]

Good to hear from you Patnee. Its also really good to hear that you are moving forward with your life regardless of marital outcomes.

[Rockon]

Hi Pattnee

Way to go keeping focused on you and your kids, and with socializing.

You have been very patient and seem to be moving forward in healthy ways though it has been very difficult.

[Pattnee5]

Hi Ma and Rockon

Thanks so much 🥰yes I have been extremely patient (and still am in a way) but generally have been good. I can see H come out of his hole then when it gets a bit much retreat. I think seeing this happen more and more makes it easier to detach. I can’t keep trying to pull him out of his hole if he doesn’t want me to.

I am contemplating seeking my legal options too for when (and if) we end up heading down the divorce path. He still hasn’t mentioned it or anything. Seems to think we would co exist as friends etc I made it perfectly clear recently if he chooses to separate then that involves splitting everything assets house etc and both going our separate ways and I don’t want him in my life as I try and rebuild mine. He didn’t like that at all, got angry retreated the usual story.

The more I read about this midlife transition the more it seems like him. It’s sad but nothing I can do anymore I am smiling again and enjoying my life.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

It’s like he is drowning in a pot of bubbling stuff of all his emotions and thoughts and negativity. I have been very patient and keep trying to pull him up out of that pot but he keeps resisting. So I’ve finally let go and it’s up to him now to sink or swim.

I can see H come out of his hole then when it gets a bit much retreat. I think seeing this happen more and more makes it easier to detach. I can’t keep trying to pull him out of his hole if he doesn’t want me to.

Yep, you didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.

Letting go is one of the hard lessons we learn. And the more one tries to help one’s spouse move along, the more their spouse pushes away. You are correct that you cannot pull him through this. And he actually will resist your efforts; even to the detriment of himself.

H’s path will take as long as it takes. He needs to traverse it at his speed. You’ve seen how pressure - upcoming wedding anniversary - affects him. H retreated back into his safe world and hid away.

Folks in emotional turmoil, in crisis, do replay their emotional torment over and over. They will behave like from that long ago time of suffered trauma from an authority figure in their young lives. H is like a teenager brooding in his room. Unkept clothing and hair and room. Forgetful. Brushing teeth is even overlooked/disregarded. And as a teen, he has a need, a feeling, to rebel. H is replaying his past, in effort to grow up from “when” he was emotionally stunted.

Confusion is one of the hallmarks of a crisis. A MLCer is confused. They live in two (or more) worlds and times. These multiple viewpoints usually conflict. They are both, teen and older with spouse, kids, car, mortgage, responsibilities, pressures, and so on. Such an overlay of lives.

Their’s is an emotional journey. For the times they are embroiled within their torment, they are emotionally dragged back. They in essence time travel. Such simultaneous and conflicting lives and world views is completely boggling. The MLCer is slowly consumed into their confusion.

These uncovered half-remembered memories stir unwanted feelings and inflict unrealized pains and torments. Things buried alive will come back to haunt later. In this case, mid life triggers dig up unknown unrealized unreconciled past emotional trauma(s); and those demons will no longer remain stifled.

The MLCer runs from their pain, and their wildly unrecognizable feelings. All manner of new behaviours emerge as the MLCer runs from their consuming past. They become the opposite of who they once were.

Depression is ever present and another hallmark of a crisis. The MLCer is emotionally immature and unable to healthily deal with their emotions. And they run! Lots go overboard on the vices of life, looking to re-do all they feel they missed out on; purposefully running from their responsibilities. Diving into, often excessively - spending, drinking, fast cars, drugs, etc. Others shrink away from the world and their responsibilities; hiding and being almost reclusive. Their path is as individual as themselves, yet there are common traits and a similarity in the type of MLCer and their energies level. (My XW is a high energy vanisher for example.)

The more I read about this midlife transition the more it seems like him. It’s sad but nothing I can do anymore I am smiling again and enjoying my life.

The best you can do is let go and give him to God. (or fate, or the universe, or whatever your beliefs be)

I am contemplating seeking my legal options too for when (and if) we end up heading down the divorce path. He still hasn’t mentioned it or anything. Seems to thing we would co exist as friends etc.

Obtaining legal information on the process, your rights, what you can waive, what you cannot, and so on, is wise. You need not act upon anything, you are just gaining knowledge and preparing is all.

Leave H to his journey. He is not openly pushing any agenda. Continue to stand and keep moving forward. Let him run to catch up to you. Live and love your life. Be the lighthouse.

You are so the main character in your life’s story. Write well. Write with purpose. As each page is lived, that bright positive future becomes the present reality.

Have a great day Patt.

D

[Pattnee5]

Oh D I always love your wise words. Thankyou for such detailed explanation. Everything makes so much sense that you say and all so true. All the telltale signs of some sort of MLC or transition.
In the past I haven’t wanted to let go in hopes I could fix him but now I have very much accepted I can’t, have been hurt one too many times by his words and actions, it certainly is my time to step back and walk my path and like you said, let him run to catch up.
And yes that is exactly what I was planning to do, just seek what my legal options will be and just have that knowledge there in my back pocket. I won’t force him to make a decision nor go seek it. He needs to come to me and make the call. However I do need to know where I stand and be prepared. Goodness knows if he has been doing anything sly behind my back in preparing legal things he says he hasn’t but honestly I don’t believe anything from the alien that currently occupies my H body
Thanks again D for your words of encouragement. I was feeling quite flat today too until I read your reply

[Rockon]

I find this experience and journey so fascinating, exasperating! But I am embracing more and more acceptance and health for myself. Well I enjoyed my anniversary (aka that day of the week) did some fun things for myself. I’m curious in your case Pattnee, when you talk about the present reality and also if things were to progress to separation, does H live with you at this time?

[Pattnee5]

Hi Rock, no H doesn’t live with me and hasn’t since about mid March. He isn’t far away, walking distance. But I have alllowed him to come and go as he felt he needed and it was getting to a point where we felt like a couple, I thought we were progressing. He was hugging and kissing and watching movies cooking dinner together. Best of both worlds. I was trying to be patient and keeping that door open but maybe it did more harm than good and stopped him tackling his issues.
To watch him retreat again, to say “ILYBNILWY” again “I don’t see myself coming home and sleeping next to you or holiday with you” all the same words was more of a reality check for me that yep he hasn’t changed he hasn’t progressed and he’s pulling away. The worst part is there were good days where he openly admitted that he was to blame and not me, however in the moment of retreat the narrative changes and it’s all on me.
This retreat back into his hole as upsetting as it is I am more upset within myself for allowing the seesaw behaviour and trying to help him do much through his crisis.

As for my anniversary I have taken the day off work and spending it with the kids, going to have a fun day for the holidays and a nice dinner with my family. I think this latest retreat means I won’t even bother sending him a message. 17 years and I never saw this coming. I do wish most days whatever alien has abducted my H that they would return him.

[Pattnee5]

I don’t know if it’s normal but I find myself questioning am I being too harsh and labelling a MLC when it might not be? But the longer this journey had gone the crazier it is. It is like an alien abducted my H and replaced him with a robot. He’s become so apathetic,lifeless, robotic since BD. Some days normal and chatty other days distant. In one breath says he is to blame, in the next breath blames me on absolutely everything. A few weeks ago he started apologising for his behaviour and said he feels he “is starting to come out the other side” whatever that means. I didn’t buy it. The drinking is still going ( which is coupled usually with either cheery happy behaviour, or one drink too many and the anger and resentment towards me and storms off). He is living in the absolute pits, small unit above my family’s house( don’t even ask how I’m handling that relationship). Small dingy mouldy apartment sleeping on an inflatable, taped plastic on all windows and made it complete blackout, clothes spread everywhere an absolute pigsty. The lack of brushing teeth was the real eye opener for me. My H used to be obsessed with cleanliness, showers, self image, always in jeans and nice clothes. Now just in sweatpants. He literally works from the gloomy unit, comes and runs errands with the kids, goes to the gym and watches tv. He stopped wanting to go out about a year ago, avoided social settings, gets sweaty in face to face work meetings, social anxiety crept in. He is an angry, boring, mess. Some days I feel too cruel labelling it a MLC but he ticks so many boxes. This was not the man I lived with for 20 years. I don’t think he even cleans. I have been very blunt and brutal lately, telling him some home truths too, not standing to be verbally abused and demoralised. I too said that he hasn’t been an easy person to love with his behaviour the last year yet I dig deep. It’s like talking to a wall some days, others he gets so teary and cries.
Anyway we aren’t really spending any time together anymore. We have stopped the coming and going after he recently started blaming me again, saying I broke his heart, saying he still wants to separate saying he loves and cares for me but isn’t in love with me and can’t see himself sleeping next to me or holidaying with me. Oh and even blamed me for the fact that he had issues in the intimacy dept going a bit limp just before Bd.says he still needs space/ time isn’t sure. Needs a few days to think. Gets clammy and sweaty if challenged, queasy and anxious if I say something about him he doesn’t like.
For someone who had had alot of time alone he still isn’t sure.
So as much as the kids had loved having him come and go and play happy families I’ve stopped that now.
I know he needs to sort his mess out himself, for a long time I wasn’t prepared to let go in fear if I did it would blow Our chances. I really just should have been harsher like you all encouraged me. Now I realise it doesn’t help him at all and he needs to find his own feet without me trying to pull him out of the big hot mess he has got himself into. Everyone is telling me to cut him loose let him hit rock bottom and let him see if he sinks or swims on his own.
I still feel cruel labelling it a MLC but he just ticks so many boxes except he hasn’t gone for the flashy sports cars and spending and OW( that I am aware of). He had instead become a miserable recluse. It’s like the world came out of covid lockdowns and he forgot to come with it. He used to be so good talking about his feelings and thoughts now he just bottles everything up. It’s hard work even having a day to day conversation because he just seems so detached. Emotionless. Lifeless. No happiness, doesn’t have fun anymore.
I don’t know if being a MLC if I need to tread differently. I have read on the forum and DR chapter multiple times. I am just getting on with my life now, leaving him behind in his mess.I feel so sorry for him but I can’t help him. I think he knows I am here if he needs me. I am still trying to be that lighthouse

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

I don’t know if it’s normal but I find myself questioning am I being too harsh and labelling a MLC when it might not be?

Perfectly normal to question the validity of such. A midlife crisis has been falsified and glamorized by Hollywood and society. It’s not about getting a red sports car and a younger girlfriend. A crisis is a horrible terrible derailing and crashing of one’s emotions and emotional system.

A MLCer cannot handle the emotions stirred up within them. And they are driven to some pretty far off “crazy” extremes to try to alleviate their torment. They will live and behave completely opposite and different than they used to. Realize they are driven to their behaviours. They are running from their ceaseless torments.

I knew absolutely nothing about a midlife crisis before my situation. Why would I? Until you come face to face with such an alien, such a replacement of your spouse, such wildly out of character behaviours, you just don’t know. And, you just don’t believe it. That’s completely understandable on multiple fronts: society’s teachings, our own naivety, and how off the rails the situation is. Worse is, other people - friends, family, coworkers, etc - don’t believe; since they are like we once were. Blissfully unaware.

I was very fortunate that my XW dropped the bomb at Thanksgiving Day supper in front of my parents and kids. I had seven witnesses. My Mom later told me she’d not have believed me if I had told her what had happened. She’d have thought I was embellishing due to the break up. However, she saw it first hand. Everyone did. And none of us eight suspected anything was wrong with my and W’s relationship. None of us eight knew what the heck happened. We were all dumbfounded. (Actually, we were in disbelief. We simple could not, would not, believe such. Later, I realized that “disbelieving” keeps you there; dumbfounded is moving forward and apt.)

My best friend, along with two of my sons, witnessed the strangest of her behaviours. Time travel. In the middle of a sentence, W shifted back into her older, present age, self.

She was emotionlessly talking about divorce and splitting up stuff, how we don’t love each other anymore, etc. I said some rebuff of how we did love each other. She started to continued, and mid sentence she stopped, her face changed color, cheeks flushed, eyes went front shark to sparkle, and she said “Yes, there is love”.

W and I spoke for about 20 seconds, while the witnesses watched stupefied by the transformation before them. Then she stopped. And I swear, something reached up from within her, her face contorted, twisted, the color drained from her, cheeks returning to grey, eyes lost their shine and went dark, even her voice altered, and she picked up - right where she left off mid sentence a half minute before. The most spookiest thing I’ve ever experienced. To see such fragility of the human mind. My heart just broke for her. She was consumed by something far far beyond my reach or power to overcome or help with.

As a guy, powerless was not a comfortable place. The whole situation was absolutely beyond my control. Luckily, I stumbled upon this site as I, and the kids, and my parents, scoured the internet for some explanation/answer. Brain tumour, emotional break down, psychotic episode, and so on.

It was my daughter that actually first found a list of mid life crisis behaviours. There were ten behaviours / indicators. If your spouse had seven or more, they might be in a crisis. W firmly ticked all ten. That lead me to refined searching and eventually here. And so many lessons. One such: control. Accepting one’s limitations, accepting what they actually do/can control.

My XW’s personality shifts have four distinct ages. Her current age (presently 52), her at 18, 13, and 7. XW is usually the brash rebellious 18 year old. When pressured she shrinks away, becoming the 13 year old. Further pressure or blaming or such, and she withdrawals into the 7 year old. It’s absolutely crushing to witness such vivid response. Only two times, I’ve pushed and caused such transformations.

Interestingly, while XW is whatever age she is behaving, she is that age. For example, she did math like a seven year old. She could not multiply or divide; although as an adult she can. She could not figure out how much money she’d make shovelling snow. By the way, she was ecstatic that she got prepaid for the season from someone. She had $100 in hand, and had the world by the tail! Just a kid. A lost soul.

Anyhow, your H displays plenty signs of crisis. Read your paragraph of his living conditions and self care. Read it like you read my retelling of my XW. It’s rather clear your H’s state. As unbelievable incredible as it is. (Incredible instead of unbelievable. Our minds are constantly listening and will craft as we ask it to.)

Your H is not living like he is because he wants to. He is because he is driven to. He is in deep depression. Experiencing feelings and torments that are foreign and unrealized. He has no idea of their origin or reason. The sheer magnitude of these feelings is off the scale and equally foreign to him. He has never felt anything so strong, and so uncontrolled.

My XW, days after bomb drop and her leaving and moving in with OM, confided in me that she thought she was going crazy. For two months before BD she cried all the time. Every day, I’d go to work, the kids would go to school, and she’d cry. She felt she was going crazy! She told me she had such odd crazy feelings, things she could not put her finger on. Her confided epiphany came when she realized that a crazy person would not realize they were going crazy, so therefore she wasn’t.

After that reasoning, she destroyed her life. Threw away the family, me, the kids, the dogs, the house, the cars, the yard, the garden, her career, her friends, my parents, and so on. She ran head long towards her new life. Mind boggling doesn’t capture nor do justice in description of how it went down.

Her prized possession she took with her - a coffee mug she bought at a garage sale. She took some some clothes, her wedding rings, a laundry basket, her pillow, an old set of drawers, and the bathroom scale. She took the vegetables from the freezer. That’s it.

No gifts or pictures. In fact, as she was “shopping” through the house loading her laundry basket, daughter asked Mom if she wanted the keepsake necklace daughter had made for her years ago. This precious necklace hung on the wall in our bedroom. W looked at the necklace, letting it slide back through her hand and fingers as it fell back onto the wall. She then turned and lifelessly continued to the next room. Daughter (all the kids) was so heartbroken, Mom threw everything and everyone away. Granted, she is rather an extreme case.

Looking back, I see her ceaseless pressure was slowly building over the preceding couple of years. A crisis only appears to start at bomb drop. In fact, the trigger of our spouse’s emotional runaway train is triggered usually 18-24 months earlier. BD is just when their internal pressure has reached the point of simultaneous explosion and implosion. They are so hurt and broken they blow up everything around them.

The LBS usually gets blamed. The MLCer cannot, really cannot, be at fault. They cannot handle such on top of everything they are experiencing. My XW, oddly, more blamed the kids than me. As her being 18, she saw her own daughter as a rival and treated her as such. XW also picked on the youngest son more than the other two boys. Of course, he did tell her the truth. And anyone or anything that gets in the way of a MLCer’s narrative will be mowed down.

am I being too harsh and labelling a MLC

This feeling of maybe too harsh comes from a couple things, IMO. The aforementioned unknown and disbelieving default we have. And grief and loss.

We know our spouse, the person they were. We love them. And we’ve lost them. Denial obviously keeps one from accepting this new reality. The more strange one is bargaining. We feel such “harshness” because we are trying to keep alive the old normal.

That is the crux of what bargaining is. Doing, saying, things to maintain the old feelings of normal. It’s the last ditch efforts before we succumb to the depression and realization of our loss. After depression, one can actually accept the loss. As I first said, perfectly normal to feel that way.

Seeing a crisis and its horrible damages is harsh. This is a jarring reality, one which folks just don’t know until they see it. Friends and family cannot validate your path if they haven’t walked in your shoes. They will disbelieve and call it “too harsh”. (((Hugs))) The path of a LBS, whose spouse is a MLCer, can be a lonely one.

I know he needs to sort his mess out himself

Yep.

To lessen, and not reinforce the harshness:

We let go with compassion. Let go with understanding, with kindness, with empathy. Find forgiveness.

…for a long time I wasn’t prepared to let go in fear if I did it would blow our chances.

Yes, fear is paralyzing.

Realize H is on his path. Most of his blaming is projection since he cannot blame himself. He will twist and manipulate his world to fit whatever it is he feels he needs at that moment.

His journey is an emotional one. And as such, his path will not follow rational behaviour or ideals. He will flit from one thing to another. Forgo reason and responsibility for feelings; both numbing his pains and trying to feel something. He is a lost soul, adrift upon a storm.

I don’t know if being a MLC if I need to tread differently. I have read on the forum and DR chapter multiple times. I am just getting on with my life now, leaving him behind in his mess.I feel so sorry for him but I can’t help him. I think he knows I am here if he needs me. I am still trying to be that lighthouse.

A MLCer, or WAW/WS, the LBS’ path is pretty much the same. For a MLCer, it is much more time and space needed.

You said it well, you cannot help him. Not directly. You can be a lighthouse. You can influence and perhaps guide him to smoother waters, by living your life.

H needs to traverse his path. For once he started down this road he has to follow it to completion. There are no shortcuts to his journey.

We LBS, all require a certain amount of understanding before we can/will let go. Hanging on, getting dragged about, is common for the LBS. That’s, part of our journey. A step towards acceptance.

Keep moving forward. You are doing really good.

D