A part of the convo I forgot about- When she told me she was happy again I asked if her feelings towards me had changed. She didn’t understand the question. I said you told me on BD (I used different terminology) that you weren’t in love with me anymore, is that still true? She said I love you and then tried to say it was the same thing. We talked about it some more and I dropped it. Maybe it shouldn’t have bothered me so much. Maybe I’m just splitting hairs. She is happier acting yet she definitely doesn’t seem like she’s in love again.
You are not going to talk your way through this.
You have to completely change the way you interact with her. Most guys do not understand how important this is. You have to reinvent who you are and how you interact with everyone, especially her. It is important for you to look at this through completely different "glasses".
Do you know your SMV? Is it higher or lower than at bomb drop?
One big onion to peel back. Layer by layer. So many layers.
Being in love vs feeling in love vs loving someone are all different. There are different types of love as well. the more types that she has for you , the better. Your behavior can elicited these different feelings in her. Other behaviors of yours can also kill these feelings. You have to figure out what type of feelings you want her to experience while in your presence and then behave accordingly.
Like I said above, you are not going to talk your way through this, but you can use your words to stir up feelings within her. You should not be talking to her to have a logical discussion. You should instead want your words to do things such as turn her on. Watch her actions/reactions for her true beliefs/intentions etc.
Do not be boring. Have fun. Don't take her behavior supper serious.
Love her. Hate her behavior if warranted.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
This was a convo she initiated, I haven't started an R talk in months. I do interact differently with her now and there really isn't much difference in how she responds to me. Nothing I do turns her on apparently. There just isn't any spark there. Once I realized the talking was going nowhere I just shut up and let her speak her peace. I am aware that I am most likely making a bigger deal out of the "in love" aspect. Just having a hard time this week.
I don’t think your W is lying to you or herself. I think she wants to have feelings for you in the way that she had them for OM. She’s just not emotionally mature enough to realize that it’s not going happen. Unless you are willing to except this you are going to suffer immensely. You can’t put the genie back in the bottle. The innocence of your marriage was destroyed when she decided to have an affair. I think you are going to have to dig down and decide what is most important to you. Keeping your family together while waiting for the other shoe to drop? Letting her know that status quo is not working for you?
The good news is you don’t have to make that decision today or tomorrow. You’ve been given the gift of time so use it wisely.
I don’t think your W is lying to you or herself. I think she wants to have feelings for you in the way that she had them for OM. She’s just not emotionally mature enough to realize that it’s not going happen. Unless you are willing to except this you are going to suffer immensely. You can’t put the genie back in the bottle. The innocence of your marriage was destroyed when she decided to have an affair. I think you are going to have to dig down and decide what is most important to you. Keeping your family together while waiting for the other shoe to drop? Letting her know that status quo is not working for you?
The good news is you don’t have to make that decision today or tomorrow. You’ve been given the gift of time so use it wisely.
For now I'm willing to wait for the other shoe to drop while trying to keep our family together. If d13 were 4-5 years older I might have a different view on that. It's hard when she acts like everything is ok, even initiating sex, when I feel deep down she doesn't even want to be with me. I was asked before if it would be worth going through this if eventually we wind up in a better R than before. It is worth it, just have my doubts we will get there. Another thing I haven't mentioned is that she drinks too much, in my opinion. That's when she seems "happy" to be here. I have no problem with drinking, having a Summer Shandy while I type this. I think she is using alcohol to make things feel better. I've talked to her before about my concerns, didn't change anything.
Thanks to everyone that gives advice and reads my rambling posts. I feel like a lunatic sometimes bouncing from thought to thought, venting on here with contradictory posts. Things feel so good with W at times and I slip into that old feeling of comfort and familiarity. Then something triggers a memory or reaction and things fall apart. Honestly, I've been doing terribly at DBing lately. I need to get back to work and have been actively searching. Tested for a job I really want yesterday. Losing my routine of going to work has been much harder than I anticipated. I'm starting to read DR again and start over from square one. I know what I need to do, just gotta do it. Thanks again
Thanks to everyone that gives advice and reads my rambling posts. I feel like a lunatic sometimes bouncing from thought to thought, venting on here with contradictory posts. Things feel so good with W at times and I slip into that old feeling of comfort and familiarity. Then something triggers a memory or reaction and things fall apart. Honestly, I've been doing terribly at DBing lately. I need to get back to work and have been actively searching. Tested for a job I really want yesterday. Losing my routine of going to work has been much harder than I anticipated. I'm starting to read DR again and start over from square one. I know what I need to do, just gotta do it. Thanks again
Hang in there Mike, it will all work out for the best.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Not much has changed. We are getting along well, I’m starting a new job a week from now, and things are good. I have been staying busy working in the yard. D13’s freshman sb season just ended and she was pulled up to Varsity so we are excited about that. S17 will graduate in a few weeks, also exciting. Glad to be getting back to work yet a little bummed. W did ask me recently if I wanted her to find another job. I replied that she knows how I feel about it and the decision is hers to make. Added that in the end I don’t believe her working there and sweeping everything under the rug is going to work out for us. Told her that I’m not happy with her lack of effort to work on our problems but I’m willing to see where it goes. So I’m doing much better at living life as it is and have been in a very good headspace for a couple of weeks. I truly think I have accepted where we are and that I’ll survive this ordeal wether our R does or not. I know in the recent past I thought I felt that way. I think it’s real now. No worries or expectations and life is pretty good. Thanks for checking on me. How about you?
Not much has changed. We are getting along well, I’m starting a new job a week from now, and things are good. I have been staying busy working in the yard. D13’s freshman sb season just ended and she was pulled up to Varsity so we are excited about that. S17 will graduate in a few weeks, also exciting. Glad to be getting back to work yet a little bummed. W did ask me recently if I wanted her to find another job. I replied that she knows how I feel about it and the decision is hers to make. Added that in the end I don’t believe her working there and sweeping everything under the rug is going to work out for us. Told her that I’m not happy with her lack of effort to work on our problems but I’m willing to see where it goes. So I’m doing much better at living life as it is and have been in a very good headspace for a couple of weeks. I truly think I have accepted where we are and that I’ll survive this ordeal wether our R does or not. I know in the recent past I thought I felt that way. I think it’s real now. No worries or expectations and life is pretty good. Thanks for checking on me. How about you?
Is that different from you ? Stating your needs ???
It sounds healthy for you...
Word of caution though...
When an WAS returns, there are two schools. Some come back hard, while others come back (and yours appears this way) with a whisper of doubt.
Yet ALL of them fear judgement, and failure.
Most fear falling back into old patterns .
That is the reason I asked you to define what reconciliation looked like for you.
She is giving the appearance of wanting to work on things in her own way, which is entirely different from your way. And that CAN be okay as long as the requirements are being met.
I guess what I'm saying is this...
Be careful with your words, be even more careful with your expectations.
Unspoken expectations are really just resentments waiting to happen....
Listen without defending, speak without offending...
Seek to understand, so that you can be understood....
You have the tools, and they are more finely honed than hers at this point, don't use them as a blade against her....
I know it sounds strange, and small to worry about, yet every word is important right now. Standing firm on your boundaries is important now....
Just remember, a WAS will not return to a situation that they were trying to get away from....
Me?
I'm getting there slowly.
It's been a long , tough road for sure.
Days are starting to brighten though little by little.
I've kinda slacked off on projects on my truck since spring. Just enjoying driving it for now, although I am lining up a couple things coming up. Mowing for me, and maintenance on my neighbor's machinery has been taking some time.
Just life ya know ?
I was wondering if you had a chance to take a look at it on the reddit site. It's been fun to get back into.
