Acceptance

[Rockon]

Hey Kind i love Australians and I appreciate blunt and direct. “Thanks working on it “ where I’m from doesn’t mean I see myself as a DB boss but rather this is hard it requires work and I’m grateful you take time to give me thoughtful input.

I keep coming back here for more not because it’s intuitive, easy or fun but because I believe it’s important. And I don’t want to trick W or anyone else into anything. So I need to address any of those kind of behaviors.

[Rockon]

One of the things I have been seeking here is perspective when W does or says something that I have a reaction to, I want to talk to you first rather than knee jerk.

[Mach1]

How long can you actually go without a post about her ??

Well let’s see then. This weekend: lots of gardening, steaks on the grill, boating and drinks with friends and helping my parents with some tasks.

For those playing along at home on the DB board game....

You made it 6....

SIX !!!

And that's counting the one where you linked your old thread...

And probably would have only been three, because the one about your MIL, I would be willing to bet that you erased something about her, and had to proofread to make sure that you didn't..

WTF Rock ???

Gardening, Steaks, Boating, Drinks....

All great, other than they have turned into just a distraction for you. They distract you just enough to keep her out of your thoughts for the next hour, until you have to find another distraction to keep her out of your next thought about her.....

There is a deeper part to you Rock, that you seem to be afraid to find, and I would assume that you aren't that superficial, yet your posts come through that way...

Your posts of late don't show signs of moving forward, they show signs of you merely distracting yourself and waiting for her to change her mind....

When I say these things to you, what thoughts do you have about them....

Conflict Avoidance ??

Codependency ??

Abandonment ??


No fluff, no BS....

Your thoughts....


You've encapsulated GAL very nicely....

Yet you are ignoring the other aspects of DBing.

I've seen posters come here, GAL like mad, and it turns into merely an avoidance of self growth and keeps them stuck in the same old behaviors that led them here in the first place.

Maybe take some time, and really think about WHO you want to be at the end of all of this...

[JosephS]

Why do you think your STBXW told you to give the kids space? Haven't several posters mentioned you need to find other outlets then the kids?

Rock, you may read the advice, but you have yet to let it soak in and listen.

I've wondered if you are a fake poster myself. You wouldn't be the first. You just can't seem to get out of your own way even though you know exactly what you need to do.

[Rockon]

Hi Mach. What stands out to me is the abandonment. In fact, I have just started (last week) to finally go there in therapy. I feel safe with my therapist and it has come to light that I feel very unsafe with regards to W.

[Rockon]

Good morning Joseph, I don’t know exactly why W said I need to give kids more space. I want to see them develop and mature as healthy adults. And yes it has been good for me finding outlets other than the kids: the solid friendships I’ve been investing in, a bible study small group, hockey, boxing, socializing, gardening.

The pandemic (social distancing, kids being in the house a lot, me being off work with ptsd and W working from home) had a big impact on our M and family. In some respects, we are still coming out of that and finding our way.

I have proposed counseling (individually or together with W) about our relationships with youngest S with special needs and W indicated interest. I think that W is just starting to reconnect more with our youngest 2 kids. And she wants the best for them. I think she may be beginning to consider the impact of her choices on them and our family. I think that when she sees them, she sees ways that they are wanting her as their mom and she cares about what they are going through.

So yes I want to give her as much space as I can and also give kids lots of space too.

[Rockon]

Mach, I see what you are saying about the distraction. If I’m being honest, that’s accurate of me lately. I have had a setback with my condition (ptsd) and have been suffering with some overwhelming symptoms, emotions etc. I think it’s related to some big stressors lately. And it has been bringing to the surface very raw feelings in me towards W.

There is a line between, on the one hand, following the plan of utilizing strategies and skills to regulate my emotions and be healthy and well; and, on the other hand, just using activities (which can be great strategies in the toolkit) to avoid or distract from the pain. I had been making good progress on this over the last number of months and confess I’m struggling again.

I am working on this in therapy. I do believe I am on the right track overall. And I need to be careful and do what works for me right now while being faithful and responsible towards my family.

It is very challenging. And learning DB is difficult for me not gonna lie. I am working at it rereading DR, and implementing what I understand and what seems to be wise as I seek to follow God and be faithful to Him and His ways.

As indicated by the 2x4 asteroid belt I am orbiting through, I’m not doing some things well and I am slow and needing to learn lessons over again.

[Ready2Change]

So yes I want to give her as much space as I can and also give kids lots of space too.

So what is stopping you?

[Ready2Change]

I am working at it rereading DR, and implementing what I understand and what seems to be wise as I seek to follow God and be faithful to Him and His ways.

Do you see a conflict between the two? Or do you see an overlap?


I am lacking in my bible knowledge, but I do believe the bible shines light on issues we can fix or change within ourselves. We all have 180's we can implement in all areas to make us better humans.

[Ready2Change]

1. Either you completely lack the ability to look inside when people point things out, or
2. You’re actually a fake poster who is taking the piss at our expense

I am sure there is a #3 and #4 that you (Rock) could add to this to help clarify your communication style.