I'm Back! (2)

[Ready2Change]

What do I do after that? Just continue to DB and play the waiting game till she files? Tell her what my L had to say regarding the stuff she asked me to consider (custody, debt division, etc)? Wait till she brings stuff up again?

1) Wait till she brings it up
2) STFU and listen
3) at the end respond with "Thanks for sharing. I need time to process what you have said." or something similar. Do not share your thoughts, plans or ideas at this point.
4) Speak with us and get legal advise.
5) Come up with an action plan.
6) execute the plan.

[Terapin]

So, had the consultation earlier. Then picked son up from school, grilled us some steaks, dropped him off at practice, then rocked out on guitar while W was in her office.

I hated handing over $200, but I think it was well worth it. Kudos to my W though, cause she had basically everything printed out and organized for the lawyer. My biggest concern is my son, and she said 50/50 is almost guaranteed. My other big concern was our debt. Our normal debt (credit cards, etc) would be split, but her $170,000 student loan would go with her. I wouldn't/shouldn't be responsible for any of it. She said since W makes more money, has a higher earning potential, and has more in her 401k than I do, the only one that could receive alimony or child support would be me if I wanted to pursue it (I don't), and I'd be entitled to the difference in our 401k's (about $6000). She also laughed when I told her about W tellign her lawyer about speeding the process along due to a 'lack of physical intimacy'. She said even if she files, the process will go as fast or as slow as I want.

I didn't pay the retainer fee yet, but if W continues with this I'm confident in this lady. She also said W's lawyer is very reasonable and likely wouldn't push to fight for much.

So, the plan is not to mention any of this. But W will ask soon if I've reviewed all that stuff she gave me. Eventually I'm going to have to say 'yes' right? And if/when I tell her the bad news (she'll take her debt, she won't get support, etc), she's either going to go ballistic, or get knocked back into reality. I'm just not sure how much or what I should say, especially with us being amicable for now?

I think that was about it. I guess back to DB'ing!

[Boat14]

My guess is your stbxw has done her due diligence and is aware of what is at stake here. Probably why she mentioned getting a second job.

She makes more money than you. Google hypergamy if you want to know why she wants a divorce.

[Terapin]

My guess is your stbxw has done her due diligence and is aware of what is at stake here. Probably why she mentioned getting a second job.

She makes more money than you. Google hypergamy if you want to know why she wants a divorce.

lol. Maybe you're right. But it's not like she's the breadwinner or anything. She just got a raise a few months ago and now makes a little more than me.

[Ready2Change]

She also laughed when I told her about W telling her lawyer about speeding the process along due to a 'lack of physical intimacy'.

I always try to find some humor and "test" her statement. Maybe insinuate a couple "encounters" a day to slow down the process.

So, the plan is not to mention any of this. But W will ask soon if I've reviewed all that stuff she gave me. Eventually I'm going to have to say 'yes' right?

When she asks, then you say "Yes". Do not reveal your cards. possibly statement: "I am working on my response. I will get it to you when it is complete" if she keeps asking when.

And if/when I tell her the bad news (she'll take her debt, she won't get support, etc), she's either going to go ballistic, or get knocked back into reality. I'm just not sure how much or what I should say, especially with us being amicable for now?

This is all negotiation. I have not read "Never split the difference", but you might want to read it in the very near future.

[DnJ]

Good Morning T

Sounds like your meeting with L was successful. Knowledge is power. I suspect you now feel less anxious regarding possible future events.

This is all business. And when dealing with the business side, stick to business. Keep your emotions out of these major decisions and remain rational and logical. Your lawyer and her advice will be invaluable in this regard, as she is not embroiled in the situation and will have a good business perspective.

My biggest concern is my son, and she said 50/50 is almost guaranteed. My other big concern was our debt. Our normal debt (credit cards, etc) would be split, but her $170,000 student loan would go with her. I wouldn't/shouldn't be responsible for any of it. She said since W makes more money, has a higher earning potential, and has more in her 401k than I do, the only one that could receive alimony or child support would be me if I wanted to pursue it (I don't), and I'd be entitled to the difference in our 401k's (about $6000). She also laughed when I told her about W tellign her lawyer about speeding the process along due to a 'lack of physical intimacy'. She said even if she files, the process will go as fast or as slow as I want.

Your biggest concern is custody. Something to consider, if it comes to it, negotiate not taking the $6000, even forgoing other things (alimony, child support) for a guaranteed 50/50, none of her student loans, and obviously not a contentious and expensive divorce.

Let W do the heavy lifting here. If/when she asks if you’ve read her paperwork, you can answer yes. If she wants to know where you stand, you can tell her you don’t want a divorce, and yet you won’t stand in her way. If she keeps pushing, tell her to provide a written proposal and you will look it over. Do not show your cards. You let her make the moves and initiate things. You just respond - after speaking with lawyer and such.

Such is the business side of this journey.

D

[Terapin]

Good Morning T

Sounds like your meeting with L was successful. Knowledge is power. I suspect you now feel less anxious regarding possible future events.

This is all business. And when dealing with the business side, stick to business. Keep your emotions out of these major decisions and remain rational and logical. Your lawyer and her advice will be invaluable in this regard, as she is not embroiled in the situation and will have a good business perspective.

My biggest concern is my son, and she said 50/50 is almost guaranteed. My other big concern was our debt. Our normal debt (credit cards, etc) would be split, but her $170,000 student loan would go with her. I wouldn't/shouldn't be responsible for any of it. She said since W makes more money, has a higher earning potential, and has more in her 401k than I do, the only one that could receive alimony or child support would be me if I wanted to pursue it (I don't), and I'd be entitled to the difference in our 401k's (about $6000). She also laughed when I told her about W tellign her lawyer about speeding the process along due to a 'lack of physical intimacy'. She said even if she files, the process will go as fast or as slow as I want.

Your biggest concern is custody. Something to consider, if it comes to it, negotiate not taking the $6000, even forgoing other things (alimony, child support) for a guaranteed 50/50, none of her student loans, and obviously not a contentious and expensive divorce.

Let W do the heavy lifting here. If/when she asks if you’ve read her paperwork, you can answer yes. If she wants to know where you stand, you can tell her you don’t want a divorce, and yet you won’t stand in her way. If she keeps pushing, tell her to provide a written proposal and you will look it over. Do not show your cards. You let her make the moves and initiate things. You just respond - after speaking with lawyer and such.

Such is the business side of this journey.

D

Thanks D. Yes, I feel a lot better today than I did yesterday. It's going to cost money, it's going to suck, but at least I shouldn't be financially devastated over this.

L said it would be crazy if I didn't get 50/50.

That's good advice on when she asks about my stance, telling her to give me a proposal. Again though, I don't want to come across as a jerk, so if she keeps pressing eventually I'm going to have to talk about some of those things.

These next few days will suck though. Tonight son has a school function that both of us will attend, and tomorrow he has a game which we'll go to. I mean, I'm sure it'll be fine, but tough to GAL, DB, etc when we have to be together for these things.

I hate to say this, and maybe it's just a passing phase, but I'm feeling a little more 'detached' than I've been since this started. It would still be my goal to work on the M. But either way I'll be fine. We've been together almost 20 years. I by no means have been husband of the year. But in reality, despite a lot of very good qualities she has, she's kinda treated me like [censored] since we've met.

[Ready2Change]

if it comes to it, negotiate not taking the $6000, even forgoing other things (alimony, child support) for a guaranteed 50/50, none of her student loans, and obviously not a contentious and expensive divorce.

One quote I remember from my Lawyer. "It is cheaper to pay her."

$6000 = $3000/lawyer to argue...lets say that each lawyer gets $300/hour. that is 10 hours each.

Want the lawyers to get the money or your kids mother? Use logic during this. Keep your emotions controlled.

[Ready2Change]

These next few days will suck though.

Learn to reframe this. Don't let her effect your state. The next few days are going to be exciting.

I by no means have been husband of the year. But in reality, despite a lot of very good qualities she has, she's kinda treated me like [censored] since we've met.

The good thing is you can now address the disrespect. Lots of good learning out there. Do a you tube search for "gain respect from women"....Jordan Peterson is always a good listen and I see several other guys that have their perspective on this.

[Terapin]

Thanks R2C. I love his sporting events. W (if she even goes) and I kinda mingle with other people. But this school function tonight will be sitting in an auditorium together for a few hours. Ugh.

Throughout our relationship, especially pre-marriage, the dynamic was usually me pursuing her, my wants and needs taking a back seat to hers, etc. Again, not that I was a pushover wimp, but at it's core I was a 'nice guy'. Most things have usually been on her terms. We wouldn't have sex, and she'd say it was because of x. I'd do more of x, sex wouldn't improve, and she'd say it's now because of y. I'd do y, etc, etc, etc.

Maybe if/when this is all over I'll write or tell her this stuff. When we were in MC years ago, the focus was on her at first. When we started to get into my wants, needs, etc, covid hit and we never went back.