Self righteousness is a very unattractive trait and I see it in some of your posts. This may be a good place to start. Maybe you disagree? What do you think happened that made your W want to terminate the marriage less then a year?
Oh, sorry I missunderstood what you meant. Yes, fixing self righteousness is always a good place to start. Could you please point out some examples from my posts where you feel self righteousness? I am eager to learn from my shortfalls and would love to reflect on it.
It is hard to fully state what happened and why she would want to terminate marriage so quickly. I could probably summarize it with several words: "we got too comfortable". Additional quality time together would have helped, showing more emotional support to one another, less overreacting to uncomfortable situations. I try to be a honest and open person, I truly want to resolve issues as they come up and not maintain any grudges. Whereas she sometimes had avoidant tendencies, I should have been more flexible to give her space. Emotional safety is key.
Alternatively, there are two scenarios: affair or she is unhappy with her life overall. After BD, she repeated that she want to change everything in her life. During our whole relationship, there were instances where she said that she is unsure what she want from her life, switched friends, jobs and etc. She ended all of her relationships herself. Perhaps I simply could not fully satisfy all her needs and create true clarity for her life. Albeit, I believe partner can only support, but not point out the direction.
To be fully honest, I've read through 100's of stories for divorce in less than a year. 80-90% of them are either infidelity, physical abuse or depression/other mental disorders. Hope that this is not the case as I wish her true happiness.
My W finally took her things out of our house today. It was an interesting interaction as I was at home. Wife said she is sick and has physical pain, but she was very silent, I could hear sadness or unhappiness in her voice. As if life has been sucked out of her. Although she mentioned that she is fully happy right now.
I was calm, relaxed during the whole interaction. I was definitely more positive, upbeat and happy today. I got this negative vibe all the way from her, while I maintained polite and kind responses. Even helped her pack some of the things and helped to move things. After helping I received some semi-sarcastic words that she used to do these things only by herself and was fully cable of doing everything herself. Please note that I was not insisting on helping her, she asked me for help, while she was packing.
I asked a couple of questions how she is doing she did answer with one or two words. Many chaotic messages from her ranging from I love my job to I want to quit my job. From I am settling down and taking these things for my new home to I am going to leave the country and live somewhere else. Either she is hiding things from me or completely lost. She wants to change her whole life. Restart it.
I can see that whenever there is any potential glimpse of discussion on her emotions she immediately shuts down, gaslights or denies everything. As if she is running from them completely even after this time.
My wife noticed that I have done massive positive changes and I am on a good path to further enhance them. She can truly notice. Although she tried go "sell" me that this is why divorce is such a good thing for me. That everything is just perfect now. I just smiled as I will continue my personal growth with or without divorce. I am happy on my progress and even satisfied to do things on my own.
Also W said that I can now bring a new women since her stuff is gone. I remained truthful to my principles and responded: "Currently I am a married man and I am sticking to my core values and vows". She just laughed at it.
I believe my only single major slippage was asking how did we get from marriage & saying forever to this in a span of several months? She turned to me with complete apathy and said "oh well, such is life". At that moment I felt like only completely traumatized person would say these things in such a manner. I could only imagine myself showing no compassion or empathy in this way if the other person was physical abusing, cheating for years. Let me tell you, it is not the case.
Overall, I am pretty satisfied how I handled everything. I was polite, cheerful, helpful, respectful. I showed kindness even if I did not receive much back. I was the leader and bright beacon instead of playing a victim or blaming her for something. I simply wished her best luck with her life and showed that I can continue my life happily even without her. If I would be looking at our interaction from 3rd person angle, I would probably say that I was the one to initiate the divorce/living my life to the fullest and she was the sad, hurt person. I've seen her happy, I've seen her confident, I've seen her being satisfied with her life and choices. Today was not such day for her.
I do feel that I continue to heal in a good way. Typically during/after such meeting I would have a high heart rate and cry afterwards. Today I was totally fine during and after the meeting. Once she left I packed my stuff and went to my friends to have a spontaneous BBQ and wonderful time. Life is good when you decide to go with the flow and enjoy the little moments.
Read through this post and tell me if you see self righteousness and if you are being genuine. Maybe I’m wrong maybe I’m right.
Read through this post and tell me if you see self righteousness and if you are being genuine. Maybe I’m wrong maybe I’m right.
I am trying hard to understand the points with self righteousness. Most of the text for me was describing of my emotions or stating facts about her words/actions.
I could see these statements sounding self righteous:
"Either she is hiding things from me or completely lost. She wants to change her whole life. Restart it.
I can see that whenever there is any potential glimpse of discussion on her emotions she immediately shuts down, gaslights or denies everything. As if she is running from them completely even after this time."
Saying that she is lost might have given the wrong impression. I just meant that she is very undecisive. Was not intending to imply anything else. General idea was to emphasize that she does not want to discuss things & work on saving this marriage.
"If I would be looking at our interaction from 3rd person angle, I would probably say that I was the one to initiate the divorce/living my life to the fullest and she was the sad, hurt person."
I can see how this could sound cocky. We have been switching between this dumper/dumpee dynamic for a while. Sometimes she is shining and then completely silent/sad, sometimes its vice versa.
I genuinely felt good on that day and definitely received sarcastic/hurtful remarks. It is how I felt during that day and it felt good as before I was constantly questioning everything.
How often do you see WAW coming back prior or after divorce? Especially if the "new life" does not go as planned?
TMS, I don't like answering questions like this because the truth is that no one knows. Even if it's 90 out of 100 times (it isn't even close to that) your wife and your situation are unique and it's impossible to predict whether she'll be one to return or to stay gone for good. I always say, as long as there's breath in your bodies there's a chance she'll try to return eventually. That may be even after you've both moved on with other people
It would be better to decide what you want. You said it's better if she doesn't return. If that's true why wait?
As far as friends and family, be careful with their advice. They cannot guide you objectively. Likely the majority want to see you two back together, so that want will cause them to give you advice with that goal in mind. It's better if you don't even discuss it with friends and family. That's what IC is for. Friends and family should be supporting you emotionally, spending time with you to get your mind off of things. Not giving you advice. You can help them by saying "I don't want to talk about it" anytime the subject comes up.
Last edited by SteveLW; 04/22/2310:31 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I was asking it more out of a general curiosity rather than trying to keep my hopes. As days pass by I see less and less reason to take her back even if she did come back.
I have tried many times to listen and support her even after this whole thing, but I go denied most of the times. Either I am simply not in a stage in life where I can listen to her properly or it does not work. I assume if she at least wanted to work on us, she would have attended counselling. But she plainly refused any of my attempts to salvage this marriage. Since we do not have kids and there is not a single positive thing between us that could support hope, it's time to move on.
I am trying to learn my lessons, improve and become an attractive person once again.
Since she is taking these actions, I am actually starting to worry what other actions she might take. Will take to my lawyer once again. I thought it will be quite for some time.
You never know what they'll do, or not do. You can't worry about what she's doing or why. You can't control what she does, thinks or feels and there's no point in wasting your time trying too.
Stay focused on yourself and what you can control.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Detaching is starting to progress in a nice direction. Received an e-mail from her today, read it, closed it and went to continue my date. To be honest, previously I would start overthinking and probably respond something.
