Mach, I'll try and find this face place you speak of. 70's-late 80's are my second favorite behind the Dodges. I know what you mean about old wiring, Dodge/Plymouth are notorious for wiring issues.
So “we” were supposed to go out of town this weekend for a softball tournament. W tells me yesterday that she’s not going. S17 will be home alone, dogs will be alone, etc. No big deal. Except, exactly one year ago we had the exact same scenario and when I got home that Sunday I caught her and him together. I have no concerns about her and OM now, just feeling anxious and remembering how devastated I was. Kind of like ptsd maybe? Also struggling with anger from remembering the pain. Keeping it to myself. Not taking it out on her or showing it outwardly. I’m very anxious about leaving.
Another thing-during a convo concerning my father in law somehow the subject if R came up. It was a week ago, don’t remember exactly how it came up. She made the comment that we are ok. Didn’t pursue what that meant. Things have been pretty good. I think she is working on just sweeping everything under the rug and going back to the way things were. Not sure how to proceed. I don’t want anymore drama. Things can’t just go back to the old ways.
So what I thought would happen has happened. W told me Sunday night that she is happy and wants to be here, with me, again. Her words before were that she didn't want to be here a lot of the time. However, she wants to move on like nothing happened. Can't understand why I need to discuss the anything, doesn't want to attend IC or MC. Just move on. I told her I wasn't ok with that plan because we will end up right back in this situation again. I asked her if the roles were reversed wouldn't she want these things. She said no. We are different and she could just move on. I'm at a loss. I know that I need to just keep on with the basic principals of DBing as far as GALing, 180, improving myself, etc. Beyond that, what's next? I don't want to push her away and I don't want to wake up 5 years from now to another BD. One thing I pointed out was her saying she "feels" happy. I asked what was to prevent her from not "feeling" happy again and wanting out. No answer. Mostly no answers to anything. She thinks that my being willing to stay with her after the A, which she still has never admitted was physical, means I should just be willing to move on. I bring up her not admitting the affair was physical because, as in all of these sitches, there are so many lies and deception. I still struggle with that. It's hard to trust someone that doesn't really express remorse. My initial thought is to just carry on for now and see where things go. Any advice would be appreciated.
Logic and reason are telling you no remorse, she still works with OM and wants to slide back into the marriage is a recipe for disaster. Emotion is telling you she is staying so that makes me feel safe in my comfortable marriage. I don’t want to do or say anything to upset her.
When decisions are made based on emotion there is sure to be consequences.
Logic and reason are telling you no remorse, she still works with OM and wants to slide back into the marriage is a recipe for disaster. Emotion is telling you she is staying so that makes me feel safe in my comfortable marriage. I don’t want to do or say anything to upset her.
When decisions are made based on emotion there is sure to be consequences.
That's basically correct. I do want to do or say something because I am aware it is a recipe for disaster if I don't. Just not sure what to do. Push for IC or MC? With my father in laws current health issues, this is terrible timing for anything too drastic. She is stressed out over his future. That is why I am thinking carry on for now and see what happens with him. I also don't want to give her a false sense that I am ok with her lack of interest in what needs to be done.
A lot of spouses (and LBS) would just love to just sweep things under the rug. You are correct to be wary of such a path. There would be so many things left unsaid or reconciled that trust would be difficult and resentment likely.
Originally Posted by MikeP
I told her I wasn't ok with that plan because we will end up right back in this situation again.
I agree. However, it’s “likely” that you’d end up right back in it. “Will” is more a guarantee. No point sabotaging your mindset or hope.
That being said, the big reason for discussing is to show open honest communication and willingness to work and commit to the relationship.
Originally Posted by MikeP
W told me Sunday night that she is happy and wants to be here, with me, again.
Words and actions. Which do you, should you, more believe?
Did she change her mind about not attending the softball tournament? Someone wanting to be with you, I’d suspect would not decline a weekend away.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Her words before were that she didn't want to be here a lot of the time.
Realize she is still on her journey. Her emotional journey.
Keep moving forward. W has demonstrated some positive moment. What you’ve been doing has been working. Remember, your changes and life is for you. If W is interested and attracted to you. If she wants to be with you. Great! Let her catch up. You don’t run from her, yet you don’t stop for her either. Just keep moving along.
Originally Posted by MikeP
One thing I pointed out was her saying she "feels" happy. I asked what was to prevent her from not "feeling" happy again and wanting out. No answer. Mostly no answers to anything.
I know you will have lots of questions. Will want lots of answers. Unfortunately, those likely will need to wait for a while more.
Let her lead with what she is willing to tell you. She may not even have answers to why or much of anything. Yet.
Go slow and keep things out of the interrogation realm.
Originally Posted by MikeP
I don't want to push her away and I don't want to wake up 5 years from now to another BD.
Good.
The first one you can control. The second you can only find acceptance and a level of comfort towards.
Originally Posted by MikeP
I’m at a loss. I know that I need to just keep on with the basic principals of DBing as far as GALing, 180, improving myself, etc. Beyond that, what's next?
You keep doing you. GAL, improving, and such.
Something next. Usually there is some testing. To see if we LBS have truly changed, have forgiven or can forgive, and so on. It’s all very unfair, being the situation of an affair and all. Yet, it is what it is. Take the high road and realize for a while you will still need to do the lion’s share.
Boundaries will be tested. W, probably unknowingly, will see how far she can push you. Ensure you know what you want in and from a relationship. And that you can articulate it. Not just I want to feel safe and happy. Defined behaviour that show you she is a person you can respect and trust. Articulating this is not for W, it for you. (Although, there may be a time to tell her.) Being able to put into words, demands those held values are more than mere emotional influences.
In time, with your calm influence and example, hopefully, W will come to and demonstrate such consistent positive behaviour.
Originally Posted by MikeP
She thinks that my being willing to stay with her after the A, which she still has never admitted was physical, means I should just be willing to move on.
A truth dart would be useful methinks. “No, it does not mean I’m willing to move on. It means I am willing to move forward and heal from the hurt. To not just sweep this under the rug and pretend it never happened. I am willing to discuss and grow and have a better relationship. How about you?”
Of course W would like the easy way out of this. You can hold her accountable, with compassion, empathy, and forgiveness. Go slow.
Trust is easily destroyed, and difficult to regain. Trustworthy behaviour is required. As well as a willingness to see such.
Originally Posted by MikeP
It's hard to trust someone that doesn't really express remorse.
However, it’s kind of a catch 22 here as well. We need to extend some trust so they feel safe enough to show remorse and be open.
Originally Posted by MikeP
My initial thought is to just carry on for now and see where things go. Any advice would be appreciated.
Yep, keep on keeping on.
Do more of what works, and less of what doesn’t.
With her admission and opening up, do you have a list of things you need to see? Things, behaviours, questions, whatever, that demonstrate to you that she is making forward positive progress. A solutions journal for example. MWD speaks about such. It may help you realize the small steps she actually does take and how it is leading to the goal. Or when it skews away from the goal.
Give her time, she will demonstrate if she truly is upon the path or still getting there.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Be direct about your needs and intentions. “Your father’s health and needs are our number one priority right now. We will revisit our relationship and some of my concerns in the future. That clearly dictates that everything isn’t peachy king right now”.
Yet, it is what it is. Take the high road and realize for a while you will still need to do the lion’s share.