I've been doing well for about three days. Signs of hope, H is wearing his wedding ring, he voluntarily went to church with me on Easter, he and I have been spending a lot of fun time together.
I set a goal for myself: -zero mention of OR or OW -go the entire time without letting him see a single tear or even an angry face (completely UNBOTHERED, even if he's lying or at OW's place.) -when he tries to bait me into an argument because he's feeling guilty about what he's doing, immediately state that I don't have time for any negativity in my life, I'm too busy, and leave the room.
My plan, since I do well with deadlines, is to be *perfect* in this way of detaching from the situation for 14 days. Then I'll reassess, take a few days away to "help my sister with the baby" and really let him think. For my GAL and PMA, I'm needing to mostly ignore this awful situation. I was still too emotional about it and not detaching properly.
H has noticed. The first two days he tried to bait me into arguments (I think he stopped at OW's place and was looking for me to give him a reason to justify it.) I told him I had no time for it and to have a good night.
The third day he wanted to have a heart to heart. He talked a lot about how I used to act (controlling, disrespectful) and stated that he sees I've changed but he needed to talk about the past. He said again that he's afraid the changes aren't permanent. I validated him and didn't comment further. He said he doesn't know what to do about OW. He enjoys having a "friend like her" to talk to because he doesn't feel safe talking with me. He said if he just cuts her off completely he feels it's not fair to her because "she's innocent in all of this." I about gagged. I kept my cool but those two statements absolutely disgusted me--innocent, that's hilarious. Lots of excuses for his behavior but he made some good points about some ways I communicate that don't work well in our relationship, and I can put a stop to that.
I did a couple of super unexpected things that seemed to get his attention. I dared H to get a piercing with me and we did it. I challenged myself to "bless those who hurt me" and I extended an invitation to OW's children for our annual glow in the dark Easter egg hunt. She refused but I felt good knowing I had extended kindness. Various other off the wall things that have H questioning everything.
H 41 W 36 D16 S15--my stepchildren D11--biological M 6, T 13 Bomb/EA 1/19/23 Separated but living together
I like the goals. And how you’re incorporating your affinity for deadlines to help achieve them.
Originally Posted by Rejoice
The first two days he tried to bait me into arguments (I think he stopped at OW's place and was looking for me to give him a reason to justify it.) I told him I had no time for it and to have a good night.
Well done not getting dragged into an argument.
Originally Posted by Rejoice
The third day he wanted to have a heart to heart. He talked a lot about how I used to act (controlling, disrespectful) and stated that he sees I've changed but he needed to talk about the past. He said again that he's afraid the changes aren't permanent. I validated him and didn't comment further.
Keep living the new you.
H seems to be using his “afraid the changes aren’t permanent” as another justification for his actions. Validation is well and all, however don’t want to reinforce his reasons and justifications, just acknowledge their validity to him.
Perhaps next time he brings the past controlling and disrespectful up: “Oh, I agree. I much prefer who I am now.”
Originally Posted by Rejoice
He said he doesn't know what to do about OW. He enjoys having a "friend like her" to talk to because he doesn't feel safe talking with me. He said if he just cuts her off completely he feels it's not fair to her because "she's innocent in all of this." I about gagged. I kept my cool but those two statements absolutely disgusted me--innocent, that's hilarious.
Innocent. Ha.
This is a pretty common view for those embroiled in an affair. When trying to end an affair the cheater can feel protective of the other person. There is also feelings of withdrawal. And guilt. And so on.
Best to keep your cool, and stay out of it. H made this mess, and he gets to clean it up. He has to figure out how to end it. And there is usually a lot of drama.
Stick to your boundaries. You don’t need a “friend like her” around.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Four days down, going on day 5, and he voluntarily said "I love you" before we went to sleep. Then he asked if I would say it back. I did, but I took my time with it.
Yes, he still holds me all night, every night. I know, that sounds like the opposite of detachment, but it began as one of my 180s--H's love language is touch--and I have to go with my gut feeling and my knowledge of my H. I honestly think that simple act is slowly saving my marriage. H currently feels unstable literally everywhere in his life except in our bed, with me.
Another thing I will reassess at the end of my 14 days.
A thing he mentioned in our heart to heart that might encourage others going through this, or provide insight into WAS mind: He says a part of him is angry that A) I couldn't have made the changes before he wanted to leave me B) that he's not able to just walk away from me and write me off because of my changes. Said it would have been much easier to write me off as a cold, bitter ex and move on with his life, but now that I'm responding to him with respect and affection, he can't ignore me.
H 41 W 36 D16 S15--my stepchildren D11--biological M 6, T 13 Bomb/EA 1/19/23 Separated but living together
I reacted really badly. I couldn't stand the way he was talking to me, when I treat him with such respect, even when I know he's been with another woman.
H 41 W 36 D16 S15--my stepchildren D11--biological M 6, T 13 Bomb/EA 1/19/23 Separated but living together
H is most likely the person that knows you best. After yourself of course. As such, H can wield intimate knowledge and shared history to push your buttons like no one else can.
Originally Posted by Rejoice
I reacted really badly. I couldn't stand the way he was talking to me…
One’s reactions are within one’s control. It helps to reframe how one speaks and thinks about things and these exchanges.
Couldn’t stand how… Cannot… This mindset unwittingly removes one’s control. After all, if one truly “cannot” then no power can overcome that. Example, I (DnJ) cannot become pregnant.
Couldn’t, wouldn’t, can, cannot, will, will not, do, do not, and try. You can see how certain words places one in control, and the other words effectively remove one’s control. Our minds are always listening and will craft our reality just as we ask them to.
I’ve no doubt H was disrespectful and kept needling you until you reacted. If you more “will not stand the way he was talking to you” rather than “couldn’t”, that is the realm of healthy boundaries.
The basic boundary template:
Setting: When you _____, I feel ______. I want __________ .
Enforcing: If you ______ I will __________ .
A boundary is useless unless you are prepared to enforce it. You will be challenged and tested on every one of your boundaries. So make darned sure you can and will enforce them, because if you don't you are wasting your breath and increasing the contempt they feel for you.
H, when you disrespect me, I feel sad and hurt and belittled. I want to have respectful communications with you, free from swears and yelling as well. If you yell, swear, or become disrespectful, I will leave the room and end the conversation.
Such a planned action lessens unwanted reactions, and helps with detachment. I’m sure you’d agree your emotions were somewhat hijacked in the exchange and you were dragged from your rational logical approach.
Originally Posted by Rejoice
Well I guess I have to start over.
It’s growth and learning. Build upon it. And you are not starting over from square one, you have experience.
Have a great Sunday.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I share a bed with him because it works for us. As I said, giving my husband the affection that was sorely lacking in our marriage before has been by far the most effective 180 I've pulled so far. H has mentioned more than once that without that change he would not have reconsidered the divorce at all.
From the many times I've read DB and DR, the entire point is to do the opposite of what you've always done. I've heard the opinions of dozens of folks, friends, family, people on this board. The vast majority would have me kicking him out of the bed, I know. But I must do what works for my H. There are also several success stories I have read in which the LBS took the approach that I am taking, giving more affection rather than less.
That is not to say that I am pursuing him or staying emotionally attached. The two things are not mutually exclusive. Detaching emotionally has been the second most useful tool so far. H absolutely notices when I have a laissez-faire attitude toward his actions and he doesn't like it... In a good way. I know I will be okay no matter what the outcome and he realizes that. I'll be honest, I've been slightly petty from time to time and vaguely mentioned things like dating in conversation. He hates it.
Being present, listening to him, giving him the touch that he craves, laughing with him and making him laugh, helping him out much more than I did previously, and generally being an excellent friend--- while also declining to speak about the relationship, doing no begging or "I love you" behavior and having a vibrant and creative life of my own--- has gotten his attention in a major way. He went from ready to file for divorce, refusing to speak or even look at me, and spending every spare moment with his "friend," to voluntarily telling me (as recently as last night) that he does love me, that he does want to stay with me, and seeing his "friend" once or twice a week for maybe an hour or two.
Now, obviously that isn't something to celebrate quite yet. He has to come out of the fog of MLC or whatever this craziness is and do some incredibly intense work to prove to me that he can be the husband I need.
I also need to continue to prove to him that I can be the wife he needs. I know I am a brand new person, but he is very scared that things will slip back into the way they were. He's told me that he really needs to see that I can handle my bigger emotions without being so disrespectful to him. And I'm capable of doing that, now that I've gotten back to who I really am.
Side note, WAS's definitely notice even the smallest things. He's mentioned when I've done my nails, afraid that I was going out on a date or something. He's told me he likes various tiny things I've done that felt like part of the new me. I'm a professional artist and I'm creative in quite a few other ways so I've set a goal to create something every day. Obviously it helps my PMA, but a nice bonus is the fact that he notices and admires my creativity. So I've painted, I am turning several band t-shirts into cute tank tops with my sewing machine, I planted the flower beds and turned some throw away wagons into cute planters, I've changed out some home decor. One thing he takes notice of is my jewelry, so a while back I hopped on Temu and ordered a couple of dozen new things. (That sounds like a lot but everything on Temu is $1 or so.) So I'll wear a few new rings, bracelets, earrings, whatever. Makes me feel pretty and has that bonus of my H taking notice of yet another thing I've changed.
I guess I'm long-winded today. I spent a lot of time with friends yesterday and I'm feeling good.
Maybe this will help someone: My faith has been my rock. When I've slipped up it's 100% of the time when I've taken my eyes off of God. For any believers out there reading this, put your trust in God. Know that He will get you through no matter what happens. Literally the day that I was finally able to let go of my fear and tell God that I trust Him no matter what, my H turned a corner in his attitude toward me. I pray all the time, every day, and when my prayers focus on the goodness of God, and blessing those who hurt me, rather than my own circumstances, it seems that everything else falls in line. When my prayers focus on myself and my sadness, things go poorly between H and myself. I have peace about my decision to not only stay, but treat my H with compassion and affection despite what he's doing to me, ONLY because God has been good enough to show me that that's the path I'm supposed to be on multiple times. If for no other reason than to have zero regrets when this is over.
H 41 W 36 D16 S15--my stepchildren D11--biological M 6, T 13 Bomb/EA 1/19/23 Separated but living together
