So my guess is your are basically living the same life you lived for the last 30 years with one difference, you now know she is unhappy and capable of leaving. You probably have been reading up on healthy thriving relationships and have decided that is what you want. The problem you are encountering right now is that you realize it takes two people committed to having a healthy, thriving relationship. These types of relationships are hard and right now your w has no desire to commit to putting in the work because she’s currently on the fence. So right now you have 3 options:
1. Ride it out while working on yourself and see if she commits back to the marriage. The problem with this option is you are always going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Also without any incentive she is unlikely to put in the work.
2. Take SteveLW’s advice and give it a set amount of time and then D her. The problem with that is when you drop the d papers on her that might be the action to incentivize her to work on the marriage.
3. You tell her that this no longer works for you and you are no longer willing to have the remain status quo. Outline what you need from her to continue in the marriage. She can either accept your conditions, negotiate terms that work for the both of you or end the marriage.
None of these are ideal but unfortunately after bomb drop the game completely changes and is never the same. You can’t put the genie back in the bottle.
I think it is more a fear of her hanging around but not really wanting to be here. She built up the nerve to leave once, not sure she would do it again. She may just suffer through because it's the "right" thing to do. She seems to be slowly returning to a lot of her old self. What do I do if she just eases back into us and nothing is ever said or worked on? I don't see how we make it work by just ignoring what happened.
Advice sounds a bit complicated. Don’t get a temperature check and don’t wait around forever to see if she wants to reconcile. Sounds like you have to weigh out the pros and con and make sure you make a decision to get out before you realize your back in the same situation you were before BD. Are you finding a way to incorporate an IC into the process? This would help keep you in a healthy mindset with everything else you are doing.
Originally Posted by mikep
Gotta run, she just got home and I'm in the living room on our old computer. Finish my response later. Thanks.
Doesn’t sound like someone I would want to live with
I only meant I had to run because I didn't want her to see me on this forum. When I'm on this computer I am out in the open.
So my guess is your are basically living the same life you lived for the last 30 years with one difference, you now know she is unhappy and capable of leaving. You probably have been reading up on healthy thriving relationships and have decided that is what you want. The problem you are encountering right now is that you realize it takes two people committed to having a healthy, thriving relationship. These types of relationships are hard and right now your w has no desire to commit to putting in the work because she’s currently on the fence. So right now you have 3 options:
1. Ride it out while working on yourself and see if she commits back to the marriage. The problem with this option is you are always going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Also without any incentive she is unlikely to put in the work.
2. Take SteveLW’s advice and give it a set amount of time and then D her. The problem with that is when you drop the d papers on her that might be the action to incentivize her to work on the marriage.
3. You tell her that this no longer works for you and you are no longer willing to have the remain status quo. Outline what you need from her to continue in the marriage. She can either accept your conditions, negotiate terms that work for the both of you or end the marriage.
None of these are ideal but unfortunately after bomb drop the game completely changes and is never the same. You can’t put the genie back in the bottle.
It is the same in a lot of ways. However I have made changes to myself and how I interact with her. I'm doing the best I can to GAL and am much closer to being detached. I am not angry about things like I was even just a couple of months ago. Sometimes my mind wanders and yes I do get angry. I have learned how to deal with it now. I feel it and move on, I don't dwell on it. That is a big change for me as a person. I was always bad about needing to let who ever I was angry at know about it. I think option 3 is what will eventually happen, I'm not ready for that yet though. I will give her more time and see what shakes out. We are about to go through a very hard time with her dad right now due to his health issues and now is not the time to put more stress on her. I may even end up taking care of him quite a bit, he may have to move in with us for a while. Thanks for the input, appreciate it.
My point is you are worried about the time you have left and limbo has a tendency to last a longtime. So how kind are you willing to wait. 55 turns into 60. 60 into 65. Decide how long you willing to give her then stick to that timeline.
You are right Steve, that's a big concern for me. I don't want our R to be over but better sooner than later if it's inevitable. Maybe I'm wrong about that, don't know.
So I mentioned before that my father in law is in the hospital. He is back in rehab for two more weeks and then may have to come home after that. Insurance will only pay for that amount of time. If his rehab nurse can't get argue with them and get him more time he will probably come stay at our house. This is going to be hard. He currently can't walk and can't use his hands much. W is super stressed and I'm getting there. Don't know how this will affect our R. Already causing some small amount of friction. The prognosis is he may get better in a month or two with a 20% chance he doesn't. This stinks. He was the most active 75 year old I've next with the exception of my grandmother, she was unbelievably active. I hate that this has happened to him, he is a great guy and a wonderful grandparent to our three kids. Fingers crossed and positive thoughts. I'm posting this here out of concern for what may happen with W and I, not using the forum as for unrelated personal stuff. This would be hard for a couple not in our sitch.
Mach- What kind of old truck are you driving around in? I'm a Dodge fan however I love all old cars and trucks. Plus Jeeps.
I came across an early eighties F-truck a few months back. Got it cheap and been doing some upgrades on things. It runs strong and is in really good shape. Just FYI, never trust 40 year old wiring harnesses.... : ) There's a group on a large social site that has a face, called Bullnose Fords that has a pic of it. It's pretty sweet actually.... If you get a chance, check it out. You would like' it...
Originally Posted by MikeP
So I mentioned before that my father in law is in the hospital. He is back in rehab for two more weeks and then may have to come home after that. Insurance will only pay for that amount of time. If his rehab nurse can't get argue with them and get him more time he will probably come stay at our house. This is going to be hard. He currently can't walk and can't use his hands much. W is super stressed and I'm getting there. Don't know how this will affect our R. Already causing some small amount of friction. The prognosis is he may get better in a month or two with a 20% chance he doesn't. This stinks. He was the most active 75 year old I've next with the exception of my grandmother, she was unbelievably active. I hate that this has happened to him, he is a great guy and a wonderful grandparent to our three kids. Fingers crossed and positive thoughts. I'm posting this here out of concern for what may happen with W and I, not using the forum as for unrelated personal stuff. This would be hard for a couple not in our sitch.
It certainly is hard for any situation, and I hope for the best outcome for you and your family....
Something that I've thought over the years, was that there can be no testimony without a test....
Everything right now is a test for you...
Maybe let your wife lead this, and just be the support.
???
Also, maybe let this "come" to you a bit. Don't borrow trouble from the future...
So my guess is your are basically living the same life you lived for the last 30 years with one difference, you now know she is unhappy and capable of leaving. You probably have been reading up on healthy thriving relationships and have decided that is what you want. The problem you are encountering right now is that you realize it takes two people committed to having a healthy, thriving relationship. These types of relationships are hard and right now your w has no desire to commit to putting in the work because she’s currently on the fence. So right now you have 3 options:
1. Ride it out while working on yourself and see if she commits back to the marriage. The problem with this option is you are always going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Also without any incentive she is unlikely to put in the work.
2. Take SteveLW’s advice and give it a set amount of time and then D her. The problem with that is when you drop the d papers on her that might be the action to incentivize her to work on the marriage.
3. You tell her that this no longer works for you and you are no longer willing to have the remain status quo. Outline what you need from her to continue in the marriage. She can either accept your conditions, negotiate terms that work for the both of you or end the marriage.
None of these are ideal but unfortunately after bomb drop the game completely changes and is never the same. You can’t put the genie back in the bottle.
It is the same in a lot of ways. However I have made changes to myself and how I interact with her. I'm doing the best I can to GAL and am much closer to being detached. I am not angry about things like I was even just a couple of months ago. Sometimes my mind wanders and yes I do get angry. I have learned how to deal with it now. I feel it and move on, I don't dwell on it. That is a big change for me as a person. I was always bad about needing to let who ever I was angry at know about it. I think option 3 is what will eventually happen, I'm not ready for that yet though. I will give her more time and see what shakes out. We are about to go through a very hard time with her dad right now due to his health issues and now is not the time to put more stress on her. I may even end up taking care of him quite a bit, he may have to move in with us for a while. Thanks for the input, appreciate it.
Nice food for thought....
I agree that #3 would be an option for you. Yet, you have a lot on your plate right now. Maybe not focus on what is going on for a while and just "be".....
Things like this have a way of pushing things toward one side or another.....
So my guess is your are basically living the same life you lived for the last 30 years with one difference, you now know she is unhappy and capable of leaving. You probably have been reading up on healthy thriving relationships and have decided that is what you want. The problem you are encountering right now is that you realize it takes two people committed to having a healthy, thriving relationship. These types of relationships are hard and right now your w has no desire to commit to putting in the work because she’s currently on the fence. So right now you have 3 options:
1. Ride it out while working on yourself and see if she commits back to the marriage. The problem with this option is you are always going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Also without any incentive she is unlikely to put in the work.
2. Take SteveLW’s advice and give it a set amount of time and then D her. The problem with that is when you drop the d papers on her that might be the action to incentivize her to work on the marriage.
3. You tell her that this no longer works for you and you are no longer willing to have the remain status quo. Outline what you need from her to continue in the marriage. She can either accept your conditions, negotiate terms that work for the both of you or end the marriage.
None of these are ideal but unfortunately after bomb drop the game completely changes and is never the same. You can’t put the genie back in the bottle.
It is the same in a lot of ways. However I have made changes to myself and how I interact with her. I'm doing the best I can to GAL and am much closer to being detached. I am not angry about things like I was even just a couple of months ago. Sometimes my mind wanders and yes I do get angry. I have learned how to deal with it now. I feel it and move on, I don't dwell on it. That is a big change for me as a person. I was always bad about needing to let who ever I was angry at know about it. I think option 3 is what will eventually happen, I'm not ready for that yet though. I will give her more time and see what shakes out. We are about to go through a very hard time with her dad right now due to his health issues and now is not the time to put more stress on her. I may even end up taking care of him quite a bit, he may have to move in with us for a while. Thanks for the input, appreciate it.
Nice food for thought....
I agree that #3 would be an option for you. Yet, you have a lot on your plate right now. Maybe not focus on what is going on for a while and just "be".....
Things like this have a way of pushing things toward one side or another.....
Definitely letting things be. The idea that he might be coming to stay here for a while just came to light a day or two ago. I am letting her take the lead in this and being supportive. I might end up spending a lot of time taking care of him though. Definitely another test for us, I will try my best to pass.
