Mach, you asked me earlier what are some of my fears. While reading a response today on another posters thread, someone said that DBing is a 3-5 year journey. I got to thinking about that and realized another fear. I don't want to spend 3-5 years with someone that doesn't want to be with me. I don't want to wake up at 55-56 years old and have no-one. I am a person that enjoys my alone time, maybe too much. I also really love having someone to come home to. I'm not looking to walk away today. I guess it's the fear of the unknown. I can't dictate the outcome of this. At least not without giving up. I want to finish out my years with someone that can love me and wants to be with me. I know too many people that are alone and unhappy, my favorite uncle being one of them. He actually surprised me by saying he wishes he weren't alone and that I should do what I can to stay with my W. He was always a guy that did his own thing and was an "alpha" before we knew what that was. Now in his late 60's he's lonely. That stinks. Just posting my thoughts today while they are fresh. Thanks.
Mike, I was in my late 40s, about to be 49 in my sitch. I had the same thoughts. I was going to give her one year past BD or I was going to go for myself. I always tell LBSs to decide how long they are willing to wait then set a drop dead date. You don't tell her the date, it is for you and you alone. Life is too short. There are plenty of fish in the sea for an older gentleman. Especially if you are in good shape and take care of yourself! So figure out the timing for you then stick to it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I got to thinking about that and realized another fear. I don't want to spend 3-5 years with someone that doesn't want to be with me. I don't want to wake up at 55-56 years old and have no-one.
That’s the thing about fear, isn’t it?
We fear things not necessarily because they are something bad, but because it’s something unfamiliar.
There’s every possibility that by the time you’re 55 … you’re single, happier, confident and thriving in your work, your relationships, with your kids. Or alternatively, by the time you’re 55 - perhaps you’re in a new, loving, non-codependent relationship.
Just because something is unknown, doesn’t mean it should be feared.
I started my divorce like you - terrified I’d be on my own, and no idea what it was going to look like. Four years on, I’ve re-partnered and I’m happier than I ever was with my ex. What I feared, turned out to be joyous. And even better than that, I’ve learnt my self worth, my independence and my confidence. If my current relationship ended tomorrow, I’d be totally fine and happy being me.
That’s the power of DB.
If you focus on you, all the other details will fall into place.
I’ve been sans wife for six and a half years. The kids moved out over the years, with daughter (the youngest) being the last one to leave. Been on my own for three years now.
Living alone does not automatically lead to unhappiness or loneliness. A person by themselves can be very fulfilled. Conversely, a person in a room full people can feel utterly lonely. And I have experienced both ends of that spectrum.
Depression brings about feelings of loneliness and unhappiness regardless of how many folks are around you. Depression is having one’s feelings crushing inward. Very little external inputs will have much affect upon that. It is the person themselves that needs to find acceptance to whatever their loss, grief, and/or cause of the depression is. Certainly, external things do help ease and distract our mind; yet one still needs to find their peace for lasting calm and contentment.
Loneliness and unhappiness: Feelings. Fleeting unless reinforced.
Living alone: Just one’s situation. Once accepted.
Something to remember, decisions based mostly upon emotions often lead to regret.
Grief is a hodgepodge of emotions. Even indifference - the numbness or absence of feeling - is a feeling. It takes time to work and walk your way through all that. I guarantee, you will feel differently in a few years. I certainly did.
I never made or set a drop dead date. For nothing kills hope like a deadline or expectation. Yet, I didn’t wait around either. I started out standing, then on to standing for me, which morphs into just life.
Strengthen that which serves, craft that which you aspire to, and alter or discard that which does not or no longer serves. When one organizes and realizes their beliefs and convictions, and lives them, things fall into place.
Beliefs take time. Invest into that. Invest into yourself. There is no better or greater opportunity or reason for one’s investment. And whatever you put in will pay out much more. To yourself and to others.
Make life decisions based upon beliefs and values. Those deep convictions are excellent life headings. Noble and good. Worthy and fulfilling.
Let go the fear and embrace the unknown. For the future is unwritten and unknown, the very ideals and realm where possibilities live and thrive. And I believe in possibilities.
My current life is excellent! Sure, my situation is not what I had planned or had any inclining that it would come about. Yet, here I am. We all have to play the cards we’re dealt. And believe me the game unfolds in ways one cannot foresee. Embrace the uncertainty and all the potential it holds.
You’ve not got to decide anything today. And likely shouldn’t.
Have faith. Discover and become you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Things are doin okay. I'm still looking for my balance in it all, and there are days when I have to force my outlook to be positive. Taking some time to let go of some things and starting to look forward to making some decisions about where I am headed now.
My project is on the road now, and I'm thinking of some new things to incorporate into it. Those old trucks didn't have the conveniences of today's vehicles. : )
There's nothing quite like driving around in an old truck ....
Originally Posted by MikeP
Mach, you asked me earlier what are some of my fears. While reading a response today on another posters thread, someone said that DBing is a 3-5 year journey. I got to thinking about that and realized another fear. I don't want to spend 3-5 years with someone that doesn't want to be with me. I don't want to wake up at 55-56 years old and have no-one. I am a person that enjoys my alone time, maybe too much. I also really love having someone to come home to. I'm not looking to walk away today. I guess it's the fear of the unknown. I can't dictate the outcome of this. At least not without giving up. I want to finish out my years with someone that can love me and wants to be with me. I know too many people that are alone and unhappy, my favorite uncle being one of them. He actually surprised me by saying he wishes he weren't alone and that I should do what I can to stay with my W. He was always a guy that did his own thing and was an "alpha" before we knew what that was. Now in his late 60's he's lonely. That stinks. Just posting my thoughts today while they are fresh. Thanks.
I get it....
Let me ask you this though....
Would you be willing to give that time if you were guaranteed that you would have that relationship with your current spouse ?
Would you be willing to give that time if YOU were to come out of it a better Husband, Father, Son, Friend ??
Even if it meant that you weren't married to your current spouse at the end ???
I dunno....to me...
Marriages ebb and flow continuously through good times and bad times.
Anyone can do the good times, it takes a special person to make it through the bad times.
I'm sure that you've had the good ones, and I know you are dealing with a bad time right now. Yet I would venture that it isn't the first "worst" time that you've dealt with. And I'm sure that your wife had been the one to carry you BOTH through one of those times.
I always looked at it that way. That my spouse carried the marriage on her back more than once throughout our years together. And maybe, just maybe, it was MY turn to carry the FULL weight of it for a while.
That's what it's sposed to be about .....right ???
In my next relationship....
I never wanted to be a widower at 54, even though I knew once her diagnosis was there, what our "end game" was....
And "it" won, for many months now. The fear...
However, I am taking it back. Little by little, day by day, inch by inch....
The fear....???
It's always gonna be there in some regard..
Fear is good, it means that we are alive and cognizant of our surroundings....
We fuel our fear through indecision and uncertainty.
Yet it isn't what we are afraid of...
It's how we face it, that ultimately matters in our lives.
This particular fear of yours seems to be tied to this....
You are trying to define yourself by whether or not you are married.....
And that is a LOT of your power to give away to her. It's also a lot of pressure to place on her by essentially holding her accountable for your feelings and emotions over it.
You are basically telling her that you cannot be successful unless you come through this whole...
That you can't be happy unless you have a Woman by your side, completing you as a person....
Do you always want to live with that fear ??
Kicking it's a$$ to the curb is hard....
Living with it always hanging around is harder...
You get to choose your "hard"
DBing is about become that "whole" person, regardless the outcome of your marriage....
Facing the fears that hunt you down, and stopping the monsters from playing in your head.
Cause I can tell you this for certain....
When you invest in Mike....
None of that other crap will have the power that you fear it has ....
I will also say that you are further down the road than you think that you are....so keep going...
Thanks all for the replies. Sorry I didn't get back sooner. Been pretty busy the last couple of days. Applied for several jobs and hanging out with the kids.
First thing is, I didn't mean to imply that I was considering making any decisions based on the fear I posted about. I think it is more a fear of her hanging around but not really wanting to be here. She built up the nerve to leave once, not sure she would do it again. She may just suffer through because it's the "right" thing to do. She seems to be slowly returning to a lot of her old self. What do I do if she just eases back into us and nothing is ever said or worked on? I don't see how we make it work by just ignoring what happened.
To answer your questions Mach-yes, yes, and yes. I have also tried to tell myself that at times she carried the marriage. Probably heard it from you before. I guess I just don't want to waste anymore of my life waiting to be happy. I fell into that trap along time ago of thinking the next thing or milestone was going to bring happiness. I can be happy without her, as much as it hurts to think about it, and I am trying to be happy now. It makes me sad to think about what she is going through in her mind and that she might stay even if it's not what she truly wants.
Steve-I initially thought I had set a time limit of 1 year as well. I don't know that I need a certain amount of time now, just continued progress in how things are going. Things do seem better and she seems happier. Could be an act though.
Gotta run, she just got home and I'm in the living room on our old computer. Finish my response later. Thanks.
My point is you are worried about the time you have left and limbo has a tendency to last a longtime. So how kind are you willing to wait. 55 turns into 60. 60 into 65. Decide how long you willing to give her then stick to that timeline.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think it is more a fear of her hanging around but not really wanting to be here. She built up the nerve to leave once, not sure she would do it again. She may just suffer through because it's the "right" thing to do. She seems to be slowly returning to a lot of her old self. What do I do if she just eases back into us and nothing is ever said or worked on? I don't see how we make it work by just ignoring what happened.
Advice sounds a bit complicated. Don’t get a temperature check and don’t wait around forever to see if she wants to reconcile. Sounds like you have to weigh out the pros and con and make sure you make a decision to get out before you realize your back in the same situation you were before BD. Are you finding a way to incorporate an IC into the process? This would help keep you in a healthy mindset with everything else you are doing.
Originally Posted by mikep
Gotta run, she just got home and I'm in the living room on our old computer. Finish my response later. Thanks.
Doesn’t sound like someone I would want to live with
M:51 W:43 T:17 M:15 S:13 D11 10/2022 BD/IHS 03/2023 W moves out
