Here is something to remember: actions speak louder than words. Sometimes they tune us out and do not hear the entire sentence and then they pick and choose what they want to hear and accept. So, instead of having talks, show her how much you have changed and that you are having fun. If you are doing something that may interest her, there is no harm in inviting her to come along. If she says yes, then treat her as a roommate with no expectations. If she says no, accept the answer and go ahead do whatever you have planned to do. It will be her loss, not yours.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
show her how much you have changed and that you are having fun. If you are doing something that may interest her, there is no harm in inviting her to come along. If she says yes, then treat her as a roommate with no expectations. If she says no, accept the answer and go ahead do whatever you have planned to do. It will be her loss, not yours.
This is how I almost always ask my lady out.
Example: "Would you like to join me Friday night. I am going to see live music at the new local night club"
She is free to join me for a good time. If she says no, I am still going to have a good time without her.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
One thing about fear that I will admit to. I'm afraid that she is trying to friend zone me or will just try to ease back into the R. That scares me because at that point I will have to push her to do what we would need to do as a couple to start a new R. I don't know that she ever will. Of course we never "know" what someone will do. Just being honest about my thoughts.
Friend zone - you don't have to allow yourself to be placed there. That you control, not her.
Ease back into the R ... push her to do what you need to do as a couple to start a new R... Mike if your changes are permanent that won't happen because the entire dynamic changes based on how you behave. She will still do whatever she does, but your changes, being permanent, will equate to you interacting with her in a new and different way, thus your relationship becomes something else.
Sometimes we fear our own changes more than anything our spouses dish out.
Thanks bttrfly. I understand what your saying. I do interact with her differently, most of the time. Still a work in progress. The thing is, I catch myself now at times starting to slip into the old ways and am aware enough to stop. I'm an over thinker and that's where a lot of my problems stem from. I allow myself time to process things and then move on now. It's not always easy, at least I'm aware and working on it. You are correct about fearing change. Not easy to teach an old dog new tricks. Not that anything I'm doing is a trick, just for clarity. See what I mean about over thinking? Lol.
Job, R2C- Thanks for the tip. I have been doing that recently. I'll make plans to go eat dinner when the kids are busy. I'll usually let her know and say she's welcome to join me. Usually she does and when she doesn't I just say something like "Ok, enjoy your alone time. Be back later." There are times when I'm glad she declines so I can have some alone time myself.
Mach, I guess I'm still not quite sure what you mean by asking what do I think it is. Sorry, I guess I'm being dense today.
In regards to what you posted above- I really don't think I'm acting out of fear anymore. The issue with BD anniversary is something I put in my mind much earlier in this journey. I decided awhile ago that BD wasn't going to be the day we decide anything. I was asking the group a question that I really knew the answer to, should I initiate a R talk. I honestly don't think I'm afraid of the things you listed above. Of course, I don't want those things to happen. I think at this point I have accepted that they are all a possibility, and I can't control them. At least not all of them. It's funny you said standing isn't standing still. I was thinking earlier that standing is like waiting but with action. I know about the do and don't scenario. I learned that while working with girls trying to teach them to hit and field a softball. I try to never say don't when working with them, always do. You're not wrong about the depression issue and remembering it. I recently have gotten better at reminding myself of that and I think it is why I'm doing better. I am honestly in the best place I've been yet, not 100% detached. Getting closer.
I don't think if she "snaps out of it" we will be fine any longer. We have a lot of work to do if she ever decides to come around. To be honest she has changed so much that sometimes I don't think I like her much. She is colder towards everyone. Her personality has changed. Hopefully that changes back at some point. I am starting to see signs of the old her. She does seem happier most of the time. Maybe it's an act. I'm not saying that I'm watching everything she does for signs, she just seems happier most of the time. I know it doesn't mean anything good or bad, just an observation.
I have been making changes from the get go. Yes in the beginning I was just trying to win her back. That was a few months before I found this place and Michelle's books. I have made changes to be a better person, father, and partner. I'm not the best I can be, definitely better though.
It's hard to describe how I feel about our situation currently. I absolutely want it to work out. I also seem to be more ok with knowing that it might not. That thought doesn't scare me and put a knot in my stomach like it used to. Sometimes I feel pretty ok with whatever happens, happens. Maybe I'm fooling myself. The way I interact with W is so different than before. I don't sit and wonder what she's doing when she's not home. I make my plans and she makes hers. Sometimes we make plans together.
I know you weren't trying to make up my mind for me, I appreciate your input very much. I remember your mantra from past convo's and use it sometimes. I still want to be married and hope, barring another A, to remain so. I know I have a lot of work to do still. I am slowly getting there. Sometimes I post things on here without putting enough thought into them, thus I may seem contradictory at times. I'm not perfect and I hope I don't give off the vibe that I think I am.
One thing about fear that I will admit to. I'm afraid that she is trying to friend zone me or will just try to ease back into the R. That scares me because at that point I will have to push her to do what we would need to do as a couple to start a new R. I don't know that she ever will. Of course we never "know" what someone will do. Just being honest about my thoughts.
I do keep the attitude that this will all work out in the end. Sometimes I have to remind myself though.
I have so many things I want to do with the rest of my life that sometimes I don't know where to start. I want to travel more. That's a big one. I want to take s17 on some fishing trips this summer and on a hog hunt. Still looking for a jeep or truck for s17 and I to mess around with and go off roading. So I do see things in my life that don't include W, just need to get busy living.
Can I also say that I don't agree with all the things you shared from the other dude. We can discuss that if you want. A lot of good things in there though.
Thanks as always Mach.
There's been some talk here lately about actions being greater than words.....
And I think that a LOT of the fear that I mentioned is in the actions rather than the thoughts.
Whatever the fear is, it is what is keeping you from moving your life forward.
What's stopping you from traveling ? Fishin' ? , going on a Hog hunt ? An old truck ?
Point is Mike....
Sometimes we get so busy and wrapped up merely "surviving" that we forget that we should be "thriving"....
Surviving is just going through the motions of what our life used to be. Being "wounded" by our surroundings (even if we don't think that they are). Our situations are defining who we are , and what we want to be.
Thriving is being open to whatever possibilities lie ahead of us, and attacking them with a vigor for life....
Mach, I guess I'm still not quite sure what you mean by asking what do I think it is. Sorry, I guess I'm being dense today.
In regards to what you posted above- I really don't think I'm acting out of fear anymore. The issue with BD anniversary is something I put in my mind much earlier in this journey. I decided awhile ago that BD wasn't going to be the day we decide anything. I was asking the group a question that I really knew the answer to, should I initiate a R talk. I honestly don't think I'm afraid of the things you listed above. Of course, I don't want those things to happen. I think at this point I have accepted that they are all a possibility, and I can't control them. At least not all of them. It's funny you said standing isn't standing still. I was thinking earlier that standing is like waiting but with action. I know about the do and don't scenario. I learned that while working with girls trying to teach them to hit and field a softball. I try to never say don't when working with them, always do. You're not wrong about the depression issue and remembering it. I recently have gotten better at reminding myself of that and I think it is why I'm doing better. I am honestly in the best place I've been yet, not 100% detached. Getting closer.
I don't think if she "snaps out of it" we will be fine any longer. We have a lot of work to do if she ever decides to come around. To be honest she has changed so much that sometimes I don't think I like her much. She is colder towards everyone. Her personality has changed. Hopefully that changes back at some point. I am starting to see signs of the old her. She does seem happier most of the time. Maybe it's an act. I'm not saying that I'm watching everything she does for signs, she just seems happier most of the time. I know it doesn't mean anything good or bad, just an observation.
I have been making changes from the get go. Yes in the beginning I was just trying to win her back. That was a few months before I found this place and Michelle's books. I have made changes to be a better person, father, and partner. I'm not the best I can be, definitely better though.
It's hard to describe how I feel about our situation currently. I absolutely want it to work out. I also seem to be more ok with knowing that it might not. That thought doesn't scare me and put a knot in my stomach like it used to. Sometimes I feel pretty ok with whatever happens, happens. Maybe I'm fooling myself. The way I interact with W is so different than before. I don't sit and wonder what she's doing when she's not home. I make my plans and she makes hers. Sometimes we make plans together.
I know you weren't trying to make up my mind for me, I appreciate your input very much. I remember your mantra from past convo's and use it sometimes. I still want to be married and hope, barring another A, to remain so. I know I have a lot of work to do still. I am slowly getting there. Sometimes I post things on here without putting enough thought into them, thus I may seem contradictory at times. I'm not perfect and I hope I don't give off the vibe that I think I am.
One thing about fear that I will admit to. I'm afraid that she is trying to friend zone me or will just try to ease back into the R. That scares me because at that point I will have to push her to do what we would need to do as a couple to start a new R. I don't know that she ever will. Of course we never "know" what someone will do. Just being honest about my thoughts.
I do keep the attitude that this will all work out in the end. Sometimes I have to remind myself though.
I have so many things I want to do with the rest of my life that sometimes I don't know where to start. I want to travel more. That's a big one. I want to take s17 on some fishing trips this summer and on a hog hunt. Still looking for a jeep or truck for s17 and I to mess around with and go off roading. So I do see things in my life that don't include W, just need to get busy living.
Can I also say that I don't agree with all the things you shared from the other dude. We can discuss that if you want. A lot of good things in there though.
Thanks as always Mach.
There's been some talk here lately about actions being greater than words.....
And I think that a LOT of the fear that I mentioned is in the actions rather than the thoughts.
Whatever the fear is, it is what is keeping you from moving your life forward.
What's stopping you from traveling ? Fishin' ? , going on a Hog hunt ? An old truck ?
Point is Mike....
Sometimes we get so busy and wrapped up merely "surviving" that we forget that we should be "thriving"....
Surviving is just going through the motions of what our life used to be. Being "wounded" by our surroundings (even if we don't think that they are). Our situations are defining who we are , and what we want to be.
Thriving is being open to whatever possibilities lie ahead of us, and attacking them with a vigor for life....
Would you say that you are you surviving ?
Or are you thriving ???
Honestly, surviving with a goal of thriving. That’s a good way of looking at it. Thanks for challenging me to look at myself. I’m in a weird place right now. Since retiring in January I’ve been mostly working around the house. I drop off and pick up d13 from school, then mess around at home. Been fishing some and actively searching for a truck or Jeep. Looking at places to go on a hog hunt, just haven’t booked anything yet. I’ve definitely been in a big of a rut, procrastinating. Part of it is just being lazy for a few months and enjoying retirement. I think part of it is also just surviving. Something to think about. Thanks.
BD anniversary came and went, honestly put it out of my mind. Everyone had their own plans and I spent most of the day just staying busy. Finished the day by mowing my in-laws grass, father in law is still in rehab due to his recent health issues. Kids are on spring break this week so we will have lots of time together. Going to ride go carts one day and planning to go watch a baseball game with some friends one night.
Maybe I will tomorrow, yet I will wait to see what tomorrow brings......
How's the truck hunt coming along ???
Slowly. Old car and truck prices are crazy. Looking at a nice Late 70's Dodge not far from me. Someone down the road from me has a Jeep in their backyard I'm thinking about stopping and asking about. Needs a lot of work but I need a project. Thanks for asking. How are things in your world?
