Midlife March Madness

[DnJ]

Good Morning URS

Yes, often our spouse ceases sharing details with us. It is especially difficult with stuff that directly us and/or our family. My XW became so secretive.

I know she is in turmoil but surely she understands on some level that these things are not OK.

Depending on just how far down the rabbit hole she is, she may not. Remember, their path is emotionally driven. And coupled with a whole lot of indifference for us. Details and things that matter to you, might not even be hardly a blip on her radar.

She will say “I’m sorry. I will do better” and then she will continue to wait to communicate anything with me until the last possible moment.

Is she waiting to more forgetting or distracted? Her short timeline could be more from her ending up in such poor planned scenarios. They really do have the memory of gnat at times it seems.

The issue for you, and the good news, is control and expectations. You are expecting her to give ample notice. You are wanting some manner of control here.

Unmet expectations foster feelings of resentment. Those feelings build up and eat away at one. Resentment is like acid.

Dial your expectations to zero. You cannot control her, nor her behaviour, nor her scheduling, nor her communicating. You can, and do, control you. Thoughts, actions, and reactions. And your expectations are within your realm to let go of.

Also, assigning expectation to her, keeps you attached. Detachment, regaining control over your emotions, is reinforced and influenced well when one lets go expecting certain behaviours of their spouse.

Note: Expectations can be both for positive behaviours and negative behaviours. We need to dial both of those down. You will, oddly, still build resentment for unmet expected negative behaviours too.

Shift your focus upon you. When W has these last minute requests or reach outs, if it fits in your life, you can do it. Yet, if you have plans, and you likely would, the 24-48 hours rule before responding will help reschedule things.

A lack of planning of her part, does not constitute an emergency on your part. You can still be kind and cordial, compassionate, and so on. And detached.

D

[URS0]

Thank you DNJ. I really appreciate this wisdom.

The counterintuitive-ness of DBing is easy to reckon with until W pops up and emotions kick in. That’s when I come here for reminders so that I don’t lead myself astray.

[URS0]

W told me she wants to meet up to talk before she leaves town again tomorrow. I asked her what she wants to discuss and she just said she wants to talk about herself and have me kindly listen. I’ve been re-reading the validation threads and mentally preparing myself to not be drawn into an R talk.

[Terapin]

W told me she wants to meet up to talk before she leaves town again tomorrow. I asked her what she wants to discuss and she just said she wants to talk about herself and have me kindly listen. I’ve been re-reading the validation threads and mentally preparing myself to not be drawn into an R talk.

Hi. I'm no expert, but yes, if you do meet her, just listen and validate as much as possible. If she starts escalating towards a fight, just say you have things to do and leave

[Ready2Change]

W told me she wants to meet up to talk before she leaves town again tomorrow. I asked her what she wants to discuss and she just said she wants to talk about herself and have me kindly listen. I’ve been re-reading the validation threads and mentally preparing myself to not be drawn into an R talk.

Should you go? What does you gut say? Trust your gut.

How much have you changed since BD? Has there been enough time for her to miss you?

If you don't meet her-- When will the next encounter be?


If you do decide to meet her, YOU lead. Pick a place that you like. Nothing romantic. Nothing with Sports Game TVs that will distract you. You tell her you have something important to do at 12, so you can meet her at 11AM. (or whatever time) This gives her one hour of your valuable time. You could make it 30 minutes. Get the idea?

For me, I never sit across from my lady. I sit next to her. You get there earlier than her and sit at the bar. She has to sit beside you. This is less adversarial positioning.

You STFU and listen. Validate her FEELINGS.


kindly listen= do not argue and do not share you point of view on things.

[Kind18]

⬆️ This 💯💯💯

[URS0]

I did meet her. It was admittedly not as elegant as the scenario r2c recommended. I think reality never turns out as perfect as we plan or would like. But overall I look back and feel like it went as best as it could.

I listened and validated where ever I could. There were instances of spewing/fabrications that I could simply not listen to. I’m willing to hear a different perspective but I can’t abide a total revision of history. I kindly yet firmly enforced boundaries where necessary. It made her angry but I could also tell she kind of respected it. She didn’t storm off.

I told myself I would not allow it but I did get drawn in at times. She knows I feel the marriage could be saved and at one point she asked me to explain how I think that could happen. We’ve had that discussion before. I’m proud that this time I simply told her I don’t think it’s helpful for me to speak to this when you have been very clear in your actions that you don’t want any part of our marriage. She didn’t have much of a response which was an indication to me that as expected it wasn’t a sincere question but an opportunity to shoot holes through my truth to soothe her own self-conscious. It was around this point she said “I just need more time.” In the next breath she was talking about having not looked into divorce but that maybe we could get a mediator to “help figure out how to do this.” I calmly re-stated that I don’t have a clear conscience on pursuing divorce as a ‘remedy’ for our relationship and that she will have to lead if she thinks that’s the best.

We did talk about some of the dynamics that led to her feeling the way she was when she dropped the bomb. It actually felt like a genuine discussion and as productive as you could expect with a WW/WAW. At the end she said she thought it was a good talk and she even had a smile on her face. I said yes but it doesn’t change anything and that I’m not ok with any of this. She left.

While I am in a very different spot emotionally than I was in the first months following BD it is clear that she has not progressed at all in her own emotions and is very much stuck in the turmoil that led her to thinking this path was the best course of action in the first place. It’s sad but I know I can’t do anything about it for her. Back to focusing on my own life and moving forward.

[Ready2Change]

It was admittedly not as elegant....I think reality never turns out as perfect as we plan or would like.

Never is, but at least you have the "ideal" to strive for. "Always do your best" gives us a great way to live.

I listened and validated where ever I could. There were instances of spewing/fabrications that I could simply not listen to. I’m willing to hear a different perspective but I can’t abide a total revision of history. I kindly yet firmly enforced boundaries where necessary. It made her angry but I could also tell she kind of respected it. She didn’t storm off.

Definitely a balance. At times, I still get sucked into "man fixit mode" when listening to my lady. I can see that she just needs someone to listen to her. When I catch myself, I go back to listen mode.

At the end she said she thought it was a good talk and she even had a smile on her face.

I am sure she felt like you listened. STFU really works. Validation on her emotions works. Setting boundaries works.

I’m proud that this time I simply told her I don’t think it’s helpful for me to speak to this when you have been very clear in your actions that you don’t want any part of our marriage.

I believe this was a great statement. Hopefully others can pick it up and use it if needed.

[URS0]

W texted me last night thanking me for giving her space to share what was on her mind when we met last week. She also shared with me what she was up to - a first in a couple of months.

I’m not suffering from any false impression that this represents some step in a positive direction for our relationship. I’m sharing this here because it helped me internalize some valuable lessons…

When W left last week my first thought was that it had been a total disaster. It had gone all ‘wrong’. I wanted to lash out and say/do something reactive. Thankfully a part of me sensed it was just my emotions. I did nothing and I went to bed.

By morning I realized clearly this first take was blatantly off base - clouded by emotions. The truth was as I shared in my last post. Sure, it might not have been perfect. But I was in alignment with my self.

While that realization happened quickly, I continued to assume that W’s interpretation was probably the same as my first impression - that I had ‘done her wrong.’ It’s not that I was sitting around stewing over what she thought about the interaction but if someone had asked I would have stated something to that nature. Her text last night was totally something I did not expect. While I’m not ascribing its content any significant meaning it was the first time she’s communicated with me for months in any way that felt remotely thoughtful or respectful. I consider that a small victory and I attribute it to basic DB principles.

Often it doesn’t feel like it but time is truly on your side. Sometimes you just need 8 hours - to realize your thoughts were leading you astray. Sometimes a week - to realize that your spouse had a different reaction than you anticipated in the moment. Sometimes months - to start finding yourself outside of the relationship that you felt defined you. And sometime years.

I continue to focus on what I can control - which is myself.

[DnJ]

Good Morning URS

W told me she wants to meet up to talk before she leaves town again tomorrow. I asked her what she wants to discuss and she just said she wants to talk about herself and have me kindly listen. I’ve been re-reading the validation threads and mentally preparing myself to not be drawn into an R talk.

It sounded like the meet up went well. You mostly steered clear of R talk, or perpetuating it the times she brought it up.

And a week later she followed up with a text.

W texted me last night thanking me for giving her space to share what was on her mind when we met last week. She also shared with me what she was up to - a first in a couple of months.

Keep on giving time and space.

Interestingly, she shared her feelings and what she’s been up to. As you recognized, that behaviour is different than her usual, up to now, behaviour. It may be she is starting to feel the loss of you.

It takes time for a spouse to burn through their emotions regarding us. Their angry justifying emotions. It’s then, that they may realize that they are still unhappy and we haven’t been involved for a good long while. Some then run further, not yet ready for anything else; lots do reach out to their LBS to stir things up and get another jolt of justification(s); and a few start to look inward towards themselves and the true cause of their unhappiness.

The process is slow. Glacially slow.

Often it doesn’t feel like it but time is truly on your side. Sometimes you just need 8 hours - to realize your thoughts were leading you astray. Sometimes a week - to realize that your spouse had a different reaction than you anticipated in the moment. Sometimes months - to start finding yourself outside of the relationship that you felt defined you. And sometime years.

I continue to focus on what I can control - which is myself.

Most wise.

Feelings are fleeting. Beliefs take much longer. Focus upon self and keep moving forward.

Realize W is also walking a similar path of realizations. Although her time for awakenings and epiphanies is somewhat longer. I do suspect W is starting to notice you, the new and improve you.

Continue working towards the best version of yourself, and let her do what she will. All while you keep moving forward and living. You’ve got the gift of time.

D