Letter I wrote to W, probably won’t send it, but figured I’d come here to post it. Hope everyone is well!
The last few days I have been processing this whole separation, the adultery, the emotional affairs and inappropriate conversations with those outside our marriage, which is adultery to me. I also processing the lack of remorse about what you your sins have done to God, Me and our family. I am accepting the how big of deal this really is and that you do not have the desire to make it right. You can make all the excuses you want on how it is right or why you have committed these sins, but the bottom line that is what they are Sins. I am angry.
I have asked you to build a foundation of trust and honesty with me within the confines of marriage. You do not want to. I have given you space to work things out, you haven’t. I have been a faithful husband through this all no matter what is happening, you keep taking. You are only worried about yourself through this and are not taking into consideration how it affects this family. Your actions of adultery and continued communication with others, your decisions that you make without regard for me and the children are too much for me. I have asked you to read about the spiritual effects of these actions have on God, Me and the children, and how divorce affects the family, especially the kids. Instead you get a job that puts more strain on everyone else to save money so you can leave. Your sins have cost this family much. I cannot allow it any longer. You have lost me.
If you want to be in this relationship at all with me, I will want a full disclosure on any actions that have happened outside this marriage up-to this point. I will want all communication and in person interactions to stop with these paramour [censored] heads. I will want ongoing honesty and transparency from you. This will be the start. I have zero intentions of being a part of this relationship until you are willing to put in the work. You say you want to be friends? Friends do not do what you have done to our family. Friends do not bail on those they care about. Friends do not bring filth into their relationship and expect the other to eat it. I am moving forward with God and our family. If you want to come along this is what I will need. I’ll give you until Sunday night to make a decision.
Last edited by DnJ; 03/17/2307:50 PM. Reason: Removed censored word.
I’m writing thoughts out that I’ve wanted to say for awhile and haven’t. I’ve done mediocre DB while working on myself. I’m to a point where I know that I’m good without her, and I don’t think anyone is telling her what the consequences for her family is by her actions. I have remained silent and understanding through most of this with her. I can’t do it anymore, I have to drop the rope for further personal growth. She told me the other night that she slipped and texted this 22 year old she’s been talking to and also took on different hours at work. The assumptions of me being here for her to make money to leave me is absurd. She knows that I will take care of the kids and the house. This would put out there that exactly what I expect from her if she wanted to have any relationship with me. I know she will be asking why my change of attitude and this explains it without a conversation. I have no idea if I will send, leaning towards not, but I’ve never been this black and white with her. Im not giving up on the marriage, but as a Christian I think she needs to be confronted and I don’t think anyone else is doing that. I hope that makes sense.
I think the question you should ask yourself before sending the letter. What is your move if she reads the letter and then she laughs in your face? This imo is the most likely outcome.
Thanks Boat, I agree, probably some anger too. At least I said my piece and can move forward, I have yet to be this blunt. Like I said leaning toward not sending, wanted to get thoughts out and going to try to utilize this board more. I find the format hard on my phone, wish there was a live coaching program still.
I’m writing thoughts out that I’ve wanted to say for awhile and haven’t.
So, this is for you, not her. A venting of your spleen? Which, btw, is perfectly understandable and ok to get out, but not necessarily getting you closer to your goal of staying married to her.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I don’t think anyone is telling her what the consequences for her family is by her actions.
Why do you think this is your job? She's fired you as her husband. Do not forget that.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I have remained silent and understanding through most of this with her. I can’t do it anymore, I have to drop the rope for further personal growth.
I understand dropping the rope. Do you honestly think this letter is dropping the rope? Seems more like planting a bomb.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
She told me the other night that she slipped and texted this 22 year old she’s been talking to and also took on different hours at work.
That must have been very hard to hear.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
The assumptions of me being here for her to make money to leave me is absurd. She knows that I will take care of the kids and the house.
Yes, you are the responsible one. The Father figure. How's her relationship with her own father, btw? Just curious.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
This would put out there that exactly what I expect from her if she wanted to have any relationship with me.
But FM, she's told you that she doesn't want to be married to you any more. She wants to move out. She wants to be friends.
Your letter, and forgive me for the harshness here - all it says is that you're stuck. You still believe you're in a marriage. Your marriage, AS IT WAS, is OVER.
I'll go further (because you knew there was more, right?)
You're coming off as judgmental, condescending, demanding, controlling, far more an authoritarian parent than a wronged partner. Did you behave this way during your marriage? Did any of that behaviour maybe play into your being here in the first place?
You are not responsible for her addictions. Plural. You are not responsible for her recovery, should she choose to be in recovery. You did not create the $h!tstorm inside of her brain, BUT you can certainly make things a h3ll of a lot worse.
Sending this letter? That will only make things worse.
You remember the setting fire to things incidents? Plural. Do you or your kids really need a replay of that?
Ultimatums don't work, ever, with anyone.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I know she will be asking why my change of attitude and this explains it without a conversation.
That letter is a cop-out. You're here to learn how to communicate. Communication is a two way street. Use your words wisely. Listen deeply. Know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. How's the STFU smoothie card? Gotten any more smoothies punched out? This letter will just get you punched out.
And anything you put in writing can and will probably be used against you in a divorce.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I have no idea if I will send, leaning towards not, but I’ve never been this black and white with her. Im not giving up on the marriage, but as a Christian I think she needs to be confronted and I don’t think anyone else is doing that. I hope that makes sense.
You're not God, the priest or her minister. It isn't your job to point out any of that to her. It comes off as really offensive and self-righteous. Why don't you hand it to her with divorce papers, because giving her this letter is going to blow up in your face big time.
I'm not saying be a Persian carpet for her to walk all over. There are better ways to make your points. First, what's your ultimate goal - Yours, not hers. What is your ultimate goal for this marriage?
Last edited by bttrfly; 03/17/2309:28 PM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Yes I do feel it is for me and why I posted here. Came really close to sending, but decided to go this route instead. I realize she fired me as her husband, although she seems to like the benefits of being married I don’t feel like she’s ever felt the consequences of her actions, which I have played a large part in. This message would lay it clear that I don’t intend to do it any longer. I think part of it is me wanting to give her a reason for the DBing that is taking place and ramping up. She makes decisions knowing that I will pick up the slack with our kids.
“ understand dropping the rope. Do you honestly think this letter is dropping the rope? Seems more like planting a bomb.”
- I see you point here for sure. Is there ever a time to drop a bomb? In my state my only course of action is to divorce to have her leave the house. I do not want to be the one to leave at all and not ready for Divorce. I will stay the course for now with some big time DB.
“Yes, you are the responsible one. The Father figure. How's her relationship with her own father, btw? Just curious.“
- They are not very close emotionally. My In Laws are still married but more like long time friends. They don’t sleep in same room and my FIL is not very engaged with what goes on around him. He is a good man, but seems to stay disengaged.
“You're coming off as judgmental, condescending, demanding, controlling, far more an authoritarian parent than a wronged partner. Did you behave this way during your marriage? Did any of that behaviour maybe play into your being here in the first place?”
- I believe that my codependency has enabled and been controlling and manipulative in the past yes. I also am working through all of that I’m Al-Anon and with Christ. I can see how this comes off as that.
“You are not responsible for her addictions. Plural. You are not responsible for her recovery, should she choose to be in recovery. You did not create the $h!tstorm inside of her brain, BUT you can certainly make things a h3ll of a lot worse.”
- Didn’t Cause it, Can’t Control it, Can’t cure it
“You remember the setting fire to things incidents? Plural. Do you or your kids really need a replay of that?”
- oh yes, those were good times.
“Ultimatums don't work, ever, with anyone.”
- Makes sense based on what I’ve read. I will continue with plan to hardcore DB and see what it brings.
“That letter is a cop-out. You're here to learn how to communicate. Communication is a two way street. Use your words wisely. Listen deeply. Know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. How's the STFU smoothie card? Gotten any more smoothies punched out? This letter will just get you punched out.”
- I 100% agree on communication. My smoothie card has quite a few spaces to go still, but it will be filled soon enough. I have to utilize the board more, wish it was a better format for phones. I do bounce a lot off of my program support people for myself, but marriage advice is all over the place. Need to stay here with what works.
“ You're not God, the priest or her minister. It isn't your job to point out any of that to her. It comes off as really offensive and self-righteous. Why don't you hand it to her with divorce papers, because giving her this letter is going to blow up in your face big time.”
- Agreed I am not any of those. I am her husband, it is hard to watch the degradation of one you love. Another reason I didn’t hit send. I do try to put it in Gods hands each day.
“I’m not saying be a Persian carpet for her to walk all over. There are better ways to make your points. First, what's your ultimate goal - Yours, not hers. What is your ultimate goal for this marriage?”
- My ultimate goal for me is to be the Man I was created to be. To be a man that has peace and health in all aspects of my life. I want to live with integrity and by my values. I have been blessed with what I have been given and have to be the best me to be able to hold onto anything. I am a work in progress, but have grown immensely in so many areas. - For my marriage my goal is to keep my marriage and family together. Not I’m the way it was but a new healthy marriage and family with God as the foundation.
I don’t feel like she’s ever felt the consequences of her actions, which I have played a large part in. This message would lay it clear that I don’t intend to do it any longer. I think part of it is me wanting to give her a reason for the DBing that is taking place and ramping up. She makes decisions knowing that I will pick up the slack with our kids.