In terms of physical health, things are improving. GAL is still going strong. My active social life is partly why I haven't been posting as much.
As for my emotional state, it varies. Sometimes when I am out with my friends, I am fully in the moment and enjoying myself. Sometimes I feel removed from everything and miss H. Sometimes I still can't believe that this is my life at the moment. In limbo.
Still no contact from H since he said he's starting therapy. That was almost a month ago now. I haven't reached out either. I'm scared of doing so. Not that I really know what I want to say. I'm scared of more rejection. I just want this situation to resolve itself. I reread the chapter in DR on midlife crisis to remind myself that the only to do is wait things out.
I want H to tell me that he made a huge mistake and for him to ask me what he can do to make things right. I'm embarrassed to admit this even here, despite the fact that this is what all LBS think, and the reason we come to the forum.
I am anxious. Trying to manage the anxiety by reminding myself to not look too far ahead.
I want H to tell me that he made a huge mistake and for him to ask me what he can do to make things right.
This is the goal. Until then, it is extremely important that you are focused on you and your positive changes.
The mistake most make is that they let the spouse back too easy. You have been given a gift of time. During this time, you can come up with your list of non-negotiables.
If he does ask this question, your response should be something like:
"I am not sure, what are you willing to do?" and listen.
Whatever list he gives you, you respond with "That's a good start, but it is going take much more than that."
Others here that have been through piecing may be able to elaborate on this phase more.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
This all makes sense Marching and I can relate in so many ways. I am noticing a lot more anger towards W in my feelings these days. And anger that she is not coming to that place yet.
I am continuing to have a lot of contact with W ll things considered. Did give her more space than she wanted this week. I definitely benefitted from the rest and space.
H has reached out asking if I have any news and saying that he'd like to talk. I don't have a good feeling about this. I am afraid he will ask if I feel settled in enough to start the D. In January I told him that I'd need a couple months to sort out the living situation. So, I think that's why he's asking if I have any news.
I will be strong. I will schedule the conversation for a time that works for me. I think my approach will be to be direct and say that I still don't agree with this divorce because we haven't exhausted all options for repair. I will say that half of the complaints he had about the marriage can be easily addressed. The other half doesn't make sense to me (such as his blaming me for him not clearing out the freezer), and I'll ask him to explain more. Then I'll reflect his explanation back to him both so he can see I'm listening and also so he can hear what he's saying.
I don't want to D. On one level, I can think of it as a piece of paper. But the D process will be complicated for us. I will have to give a cause. There's no no-fault divorce.
I want to see where he's at but I don't think it's where I'd like him to be.
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Funny, my anemia is improving but it turns out the cause could be something that might require an invasive procedure. So health management is still my top priority.
I don't want any of this. I just want to bury my head in the sand.
Please don’t borrow trouble. Worrying why H is seeking a conversation is nonproductive. Fear breeds fear. It steals your time. It steals your present. (((Hugs)))
Originally Posted by marching
I think my approach will be to be direct and say that I still don't agree with this divorce because we haven't exhausted all options for repair. I will say that half of the complaints he had about the marriage can be easily addressed. The other half doesn't make sense to me (such as his blaming me for him not clearing out the freezer), and I'll ask him to explain more. Then I'll reflect his explanation back to him both so he can see I'm listening and also so he can hear what he's saying.
Do be strong. And since you have been given an option, schedule a convenient time for yourself.
I’d not take the above approach. Let H lead. H might have an entirely different conversation or reason for asking to speak with you. If he does bring up D, simply ask him what his proposal is. And listen to what he has to say.
You’ve already told him you don’t want a D. A few times. Your silence to his latest will sound a lot different to him I’d suspect. 180s are powerful when they are sincere.
Originally Posted by marching
I don't want to D.
Then don’t. Just listen to what he has to say. Let him push this thing along. Let him own it.
You don’t place barricades along the path, yet you don’t pave the road for him either.
Originally Posted by marching
my anemia is improving but it turns out the cause could be something that might require an invasive procedure. So health management is still my top priority.
Absolutely! Your top priority is you!
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Let H lead. H might have an entirely different conversation or reason for asking to speak with you.
You were absolutely right. The conversation went in a completely different direction than I had prepared for.
We talked about neither D nor R. He opened the conversation by commenting on being in limbo. I don't remember exactly what he said about it. I remember he then followed up with, "I have nothing in particular to say."
Ok buddy, but you were the one who wanted this conversation?!
We ended up talking about what we've been up to recently and giving each other TV and movie recommendations. He apologized for hurting me. He said he thinks about "the past" and wonders how I am doing everyday. He cried a bit. We talked to each other as if we were still together, referencing in-jokes and opinions on mutual friends. He told me he's gotten a lot of injuries from running too much. So he's cycling instead. He goes to bed and wakes up early. He doesn't know how to fill his time. He sounded pretty miserable. Once again, he told me he's "just trying to get by." He's going to therapy and he stopped drinking. He realized that he has a habit of avoiding his problems.
He ended the call first, suggesting that maybe it was dinner time for me. It was, and I said that I was going to meet a friend.
He misses me. That much is clear from the conversation. I dare not read much more into it. He hasn't said anything about R.
I'm only really starting to process my emotions from this call. I hadn't heard his voice in four months. The call reminded me of old times. I'm sad. I'm also angry and even a little bit disgusted by him.
I'm going to give myself some time to settle down before I think about next steps.
“ I'm only really starting to process my emotions from this call. I hadn't heard his voice in four months. The call reminded me of old times. I'm sad. I'm also angry and even a little bit disgusted by him.
I'm going to give myself some time to settle down before I think about next steps”
And I would agree with daring not to read much more into the interaction.
It’s good to connect here with you. How is your health and what have you been doing for fun?
