My wife says she is done

[Ready2Change]

Always hard reading the "We told the kids" posts. Definitely triggers my emotions and empathy.

Sorry you had to experience this. 14 years ago for me, and I remember every detail. We will never truly know how this effects our kids, but I believe as long as both parents are active in their kids lives that they come out fine.

Give your kids lots of hugs and enjoy your time with them. Mine are all out the house. Crazy how fast time flies.

[Dats000]

Dats000,

Man, that's tough. Gut wrenching to read. My kids were super young and now-ExW told them without me even though we agreed to tell them together. Did your daughter know something was up? Sounds like she took it almost too well?

How are YOU doing? You mention temporary relief, but now that time is passing? Are you alright?

D10 is very aware of her surroundings S12 not so much. She had been asking W why she was sleeping in the basement for sometime. Who knows what W told her.

Between this forum, meeting with my IC weekly (in this weeks session he said that I motivated him to do a great job for the rest of the day based on my progress), reading my self help books and doing the exercises in the books. I’m OK. Some parts of my days are better for me. Other parts I’m not so good. I’m sleeping good. I have an appetite. I’m exercising. I meditate using the calm app multiple times a week (need to get this to daily). About a month ago I started doing intermittent fasting, tracking my activity, water intake, food I eat and my weight in this app called simple. It’s pretty cool. This book called 6 pillars of self-esteem is helping me a lot. I’m learning for the first time that low self esteem causes anxiety it makes so much sense now. and being aware of your felling and accepting them (doesn’t mean you have to like them) will get rid of a lot of fear. I’m just through a third of the book and looking forward to reading more. I’m getting out of the house the majority of each day of the week with kids activities still doing my photography at their activities which I’m getting better and better

Some days I look forward to my wife moving out so I don’t have to be around that person in my house who doesn’t wanna be around me. If she ever wants to reconcile, she’s gonna have to prove to me that she’ll be doing some changes too.

[Dats000]

Always hard reading the "We told the kids" posts. Definitely triggers my emotions and empathy.

Sorry you had to experience this. 14 years ago for me, and I remember every detail. We will never truly know how this effects our kids, but I believe as long as both parents are active in their kids lives that they come out fine.

Give your kids lots of hugs and enjoy your time with them. Mine are all out the house. Crazy how fast time flies.

Thanks and I agree. S12 who’s with me in my bedroom tonight doing his homework? He like to hang out with me and the dogs. I asked him how he was doing and he said fine. A friend of mine told me fine meant feelings inside not expressed. He’s gotta have questions in his head. In less than two months, he’s gonna start living somewhere else half the time. He’s only lived in this house in one bedroom, in one bed his whole life. His parents were home every night with him 99% of the time now only one of them will be living with him at a time. Maybe he hasn’t gotten this far to think about this

I took d12 and her friend to watch a high school event. She had only invited this friend and one other from her activity team. Normally the parents let everyone know that their kids are going to the high school events. She said she only invited these two friends because their parents are divorced too. I thought to myself wow.

Time has already gone by quick and days are just going by quicker. I do appreciate my time with my kids more and more as I get older and they get older.

[BL42]

Dats000,

Between this forum, meeting with my IC weekly (in this weeks session he said that I motivated him to do a great job for the rest of the day based on my progress), reading my self help books and doing the exercises in the books. I’m OK. Some parts of my days are better for me. Other parts I’m not so good. I’m sleeping good. I have an appetite. I’m exercising. I meditate using the calm app multiple times a week (need to get this to daily). About a month ago I started doing intermittent fasting, tracking my activity, water intake, food I eat and my weight in this app called simple. It’s pretty cool. This book called 6 pillars of self-esteem is helping me a lot. I’m learning for the first time that low self esteem causes anxiety it makes so much sense now. and being aware of your felling and accepting them (doesn’t mean you have to like them) will get rid of a lot of fear. I’m just through a third of the book and looking forward to reading more. I’m getting out of the house the majority of each day of the week with kids activities still doing my photography at their activities which I’m getting better and better

Sounds like you're doing all the right things. You keep all this up and you'll be fine.

I asked him how he was doing and he said fine. A friend of mine told me fine meant feelings inside not expressed.

Smart friend. I'd never heard it put that way, but very astute.

He’s gotta have questions in his head.

For sure.

In less than two months, he’s gonna start living somewhere else half the time. He’s only lived in this house in one bedroom, in one bed his whole life.

Keep the house if you can - provides some stability and continuity for the kids, plus you'll be the default "home base" and they'll "go to mommy's".

She said she only invited these two friends because their parents are divorced too. I thought to myself wow.

Wow indeed.

Hang in there Dats000. You're going to make it through this.

[Dats000]

IF there are better deals to be had in the D, usually they come quickly. The longer it draws out the less likely W will feel guilt and offer generously to move on. You probably aren't ready for this - many aren't - but if you can get a better deal you may want to make it easy for her to sign off on the dotted line. I AM NOT one to promote divorce, and this is maybe the first time I've said this to someone here, but you can always reconcile after you lock in favorable terms

BL42, W is already going back on her words on some stuff. When we initially talked about the big picture, I told her I wouldn’t be able to pay for our kids to be in private school and she said that she would take care of that. Now she’s saying that taken care of that didn’t mean that she would pay for it.

When we were first talking about the big picture, she said that she hoped that her and I could talk this out together without having to use our attorneys much. Now she’s saying she’s gonna be using her attorney whenever she has to.

When she was going to look for a house to lease, she said she would keep paying half the mortgage here until we got divorced and pay for her leased house. Now she’s saying after she talk to her counselor and after she talk to her attorney, she doesn’t have to keep paying on our mortgage as soon as she moves out because we’re separated. She would just have to pay for her leased house when she moves into it. even though we’re still married, and her name is on our mortgage. I told her this didn’t make sense and that she’s going back on her word. And that she was the one who had to move out and get away from me. I was OK with living in the same house until we got a divorce or until the kids were out of school for the summer.

We have a townhouse that I owned prior to our marriage. the tenants are moving out in a couple months so guessing we would sell that but I gotta make sure I know how much of that is non marital assets and if I need to wait until we are divorced to sell it.

My attorney is out of town this week so I will be talking to him next week.

you were right looks like her guilt and generosity is wearing off. I need to be quick to to lock in favorable terms before she starts being less giving.

[BL42]

Dats000,

I told her this didn’t make sense and that she’s going back on her word.

Forget going back on her word...she's breaking her VOWS. She is NOT the woman you married anymore. Do not rely on ANYTHING she says verbally. Document everything in writing and make sure an L reviews it.

When we were first talking about the big picture, she said that she hoped that her and I could talk this out together without having to use our attorneys much. Now she’s saying she’s gonna be using her attorney whenever she has to.

Very common. Easy to say that but when big important issues are at stake (custody, finances) and the rubber meets the road...

When she was going to look for a house to lease, she said she would keep paying half the mortgage here until we got divorced and pay for her leased house. Now she’s saying after she talk to her counselor and after she talk to her attorney, she doesn’t have to keep paying on our mortgage as soon as she moves out because we’re separated. She would just have to pay for her leased house when she moves into it. even though we’re still married, and her name is on our mortgage.

Again, ask an L, but...there's likely going to be a date of separation and you'll have to agree on the value of the home/equity at that point. She likely does not have to continue mortgage payments.

And that she was the one who had to move out and get away from me. I was OK with living in the same house until we got a divorce or until the kids were out of school for the summer.

Sorry to say it, but it liekly doesn't matter legally who made the choice to move out and who was/was not willing to live in the same house until the divorce. She has the ability to decide to move out. She controls her; you control you.

We have a townhouse that I owned prior to our marriage. the tenants are moving out in a couple months so guessing we would sell that but I gotta make sure I know how much of that is non marital assets and if I need to wait until we are divorced to sell it.

Consult a L as it will depend on your jurisdiction's laws, but it's very possible that's a non-marital asset and you're entitled to all of it if the rent covered the mortgage. In my case, unfortunately, my W got almost all the equity out of our rental house because she bought it under her name before we got married and even though I moved in soon after and did 99% of the work as the property manager for 5-6 years as "we" (meaning "I") rented it out...she got all the equity. So hopefully that works out for you in your case. Just know the law and your rights and get what you're entitled to.

My attorney is out of town this week so I will be talking to him next week.

Good. You absolutely need to.

you were right looks like her guilt and generosity is wearing off. I need to be quick to to lock in favorable terms before she starts being less giving.

Any good attorney will advise you the quicker the deal the better, but many LBSs (me included) are in shock and aren't ready emotionally to pull the trigger so soon.

[Gekko]

Dats you're going to weather the storm and life will be much better on the other side.

Regarding property division/payments/custody, I don't know where you live but in most places it is very formula-driven so just get the breakdown of how things will probably turn out if the judge has to get involved and strike a deal on similar terms. Know your rights, knowledge will ease anxiety. No need to try and stick it to your W but don't be a softy either. Any informal impasse on any issue can be addressed by saying "let's just go with whatever the law says". Makes it more matter of fact and objective instead of emotional and subjective. No need to argue.

I feel your pain when you mention your kids living somewhere else half the time, let me tell you if you get the custody arrangement you are entitled to (50/50) it will not be too bad. I have my kids half the week every week, so they are physically at my house 4 days. I almost always see them on a 5th day due to their sports or there being some event or get together involving their friends and parents on a day I don't have them. Sometimes I will swing by a sports practice on a day I don't have them. So you can set things up to where you have them half the time at your house but see them even more, even if it's for just a little while. That can really help. Also you will learn to appreciate some free time to GAL even more.

Hang in there buddy, I know it's hard to see it now but good times await.

[Dats000]

Dats you're going to weather the storm and life will be much better on the other side.

Thanks Gekko, I cannot hear that it will be better enough. I know I will be a better person coming out of this, but it is still hard.

Regarding property division/payments/custody, I don't know where you live but in most places it is very formula-driven so just get the breakdown of how things will probably turn out if the judge has to get involved and strike a deal on similar terms. Know your rights, knowledge will ease anxiety.

This is one of the next steps that I need to figure out asap. It has been giving me some bad anxiety for the past couple weeks. I need to get on my Attorney’s calendar so we can plan to get all this calculated.

No need to try and stick it to your W but don't be a softy either. Any informal impasse on any issue can be addressed by saying "let's just go with whatever the law says". Makes it more matter of fact and objective instead of emotional and subjective. No need to argue.

I like this advice. I will definitely use it.

if you get the custody arrangement you are entitled to (50/50) it will not be too bad. I have my kids half the week every week, so they are physically at my house 4 days. I almost always see them on a 5th day due to their sports or there being some event or get together involving their friends and parents on a day I don't have them. Sometimes I will swing by a sports practice on a day I don't have them. So you can set things up to where you have them half the time at your house but see them even more, even if it's for just a little while. That can really help.

This makes me feel a lot better. Both my kids are in sports 70% of the year where one of the facilities is two minutes from where I live. W is moving out end of March, this will be our lives before we know it.

[bttrfly]

Dats I'm sorry it's come to this. No way to polish the turd that is divorce. However, since this is your current reality, I will pass on the advice given to me here and by my lawyer and our mediator when I faced the true end of my marriage: treat it all as a business deal.

Your old marriage is a company dissolving. The two principals are dividing assets and liabilities.

Do all you can to keep a business frame of mind during the negotiation process.

Allow yourself to collapse into the emotions away from the lawyers, kids, well intentioned friends, family and even posters here, including myself. This is a very private walk you have to make by yourself.

For me, I'd already spent a lot of time during our protracted negotiation really trying to figure out what I wanted, what my core values are, and how to best express them through this process while protecting myself and my son. In hindsight, I have no regrets about taking that approach.

If any of this resonates with you, use it with my blessing.

[Dats000]

This week I talked with my attorney he gave me instructions on what to do next on working towards a divorce decree. I also made a call to a financial advisor that someone referred me to and got on his calendar next week. So these things are helping me with my financial anxiety. Little they may sound it’s gets me going and keeps my self esteem going.

I was having some issues with D11 basically not showing my love to her and just getting upset because of whatever. Her Mom could do nothing wrong in her eyes. I’ve changed my approach by being more of a consultant parent. Advising her what to do, but showing her love first. everything‘s going way better. In fact we are having movie night tonight with dad’s home made popcorn.

S13 had his birthday this week. We all went out as a family for his supper. He got to choose. He was so grateful for the gifts he got is such a nice kid. I love him so much.

wife left yesterday on a trip with an another friend that’s getting divorced so I’m with my kids for a long weekend. We will be busy with their activities at least one of them each day if not both of them this weekend.

I’m having a small level anxiety around 10 hours a day. Starting right when I get up in the mornings. Of course I am worrying a lot about expenses and assets when my wife moves out at the end of March. I’m keeping up with my exercises and the meditations and book readings, etc. I have to get out of the house more by myself. I hear of lotta people here talking about all the people they call to go out with to help them GAL. I don’t have a lot people to call. There’s a few but they are all married and have kids and have their own lives so it’s kind of hard.

As far as me detaching and GAL and validating my wife’s conversations. nothing has changed. She hasn’t shown any more interest, but we are living together, so maybe when she moves out, there might be some change where she would want to reconcile. I’m not giving up or holding my breath. No matter what happens. I will be a better person coming out of this.