But there’s a bigger issue here. And that is that you are micro-managing decisions, interactions and attempting to manipulate or control things.
I did it too, so this is in no way a criticism.
You need to understand that one of the fatal things during a divorce is someone who holds on too tight. Your lack of sleep also suggests that you’re struggling with this a lot. It’s what happens when someone who manages things and is generally in charge of their own life suddenly finds themselves not in control. It manifests as posting super frequently, asking questions about every single interaction and desperately trying to solve/fix/repair/diagnose/correct/change things.
Just breathe Card.
You need a time-out.
Here’s my bits of advice:
- You need to seek out some individual counselling. They will help you with anxiety, hyper-awareness, sleep issues. It’s not a sign of weakness, but you really would benefit from a bit of a reset. Simple things, like getting stuff off your chest, mindfulness, meditation, journaling, exercise, sleep - they’re all things that a therapist can help you with. Sometimes it’s available for free - in Australia you can get six free sessions through government health with a psychologist. Lots of employers have employee assistance programs (EAP) where you can get access to some counselling.
- A marriage doesn’t fail overnight. And it never fails because of one person only. It’s like a car you haven’t had serviced for ten years, and now it’s broken down on the side of the road. You can’t just check the dipstick and realize it has no oil, top it up and drive away. Things that take a long time to be broken take a long time to be fixed. You can’t speed it up. And a lot of the time, you’re at the complete mercy of the other person. You need to imagine you’re an autumn leaf in a tornado. You’re going to get tossed about - you can either try to control everything, or you can just let it all go and go with the flow.
- What would be the point of taking your ring off? I guarantee you you’ve asked this question (even subconsciously driven) because you’re wondering if taking it off might wake her up. Or she might yell at you for taking it off, but then at least you’ll have got some validation that deep down she has some feelings for you.
- and R2C is right. Leave it on. It’s YOUR ring. If you want to stay married, keep wearing it. If in 6-12 months you decide you don’t like or want to be with this person any more, then you take it off when you don’t want it any more. It’s really important to make decisions for YOU and what you want, with no regard for what she might want, how she reacts or what other people might think. This is your life, your decisions, your commitment.
- Same goes for her. If she takes hers off or leaves it on, give it no thought. It’s her ring, it’s her finger, she can do whatever she wants.
- Other questions we see frequently along this line to demonstrate my point: a) “Should I move into spare bedroom because she wants space?” - No. You don’t want to move, so you don’t move. If she wants to move, she can. b) “Should I offer to drop the kids to her for a visit?” No. If she wants them, she can ask. c) “Should I tell my family we’re separated?” If you want them to know and want their support - yes. If you don’t want them to know, then no. If you’re telling them in the hope it pressures your spouse - absolutely not.
I hope this was helpful. You need to drop the rope, get some counselling, get on top of your sleep, stop worrying about every little thing. The world’s going to keep on spinning whether you take your ring off or leave it on. Taking it off or leaving it on is also going to have zero bearing on where her you reconcile or divorce. TBH she probably doesn’t care less right now.
You do you, for you. Let her do her.
How’s the attraction stuff going? Have you bought new clothes, lost 5kg, had a haircut and wearing a new aftershave every day? That’s way more important than the ring thing. Try some go-karting, go out with some guys, join a club, go mountain biking. Do some cooking classes, take a flying lesson. A guy who mopes at home and takes his ring off? Or the fit guy who rides his motorbike with a new leather jacket and comes home late at night.
Which one is she going to choose?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
It’s pretty common for one to be more emotional in the morning. A technique that works for a lot of folks is to allow yourself to feeling your emotions for a set amount of time, then get on with your day.
We you get up, set a timer for ten minutes. Let your feelings go wherever they will. Impossible, dreadful, worry, fear, sad, sorrow, etc. The purpose is acknowledgement, to let those feelings be heard and expressed. Trying to stifle our emotions just bottles them up and we become a pressure cooker.
After the ten minutes, stop. Utilize the stop sign. Imagine a big red stop sign. Rein yourself in, and get ready for your day. This “controlled” feeling helps with detachment.
Attachment is the uncontrolled being emotionally dragged around, here you are purposely allowing your feelings and then pausing them. Note, the stop sign “stops” for the moment, you are really only pausing your feelings.
You can perform this technique through out the day as well. Find a safe place and just feel for a few controlled minutes. Then pause and continue. As you progress, the time between pauses gets longer. The number of necessary pauses through the day becomes less and less, until only the morning one is left. Eventually that ten minutes becomes five, then three, then one, and then zero.
So much positive stuff happens when one embraces that which they can control. You can only control your thoughts, actions, and reactions. The above technique utilizes and strengthens your control and discipline of self. One of the best discipline techniques is allowing yourself to feel in a safe manner and environment.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The answer is you can never ever ever give too much space. The only way to turn this around is she has to miss you. The number one enemy is pursuit. Which is what your brain is going to convince you to do. To be successful you will need lots of discipline. Most men who end up here lack discipline which is part of the reason they are here.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
This is the recipe. You have to get to the point where she starts to questions herself and begin to think she is going to lose you, perhaps to a better woman.
You do this all silently, without peacocking and looking back to see if she's noticing. In essence, you start to truly move on with your life. If there's a chance this thing will turn around, this is usually when it will happen.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Your STBXW is not in MLC. She’s biologically wired to be attracted to a strong man who is exciting and has a purpose. Become that man and maybe she looks back. If not you will spend your days contemplating when your 48th hour is up so you can text her back.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Mentally, I *think* I'm doing better at shifting focus to what's best for me and my child. I read another post where someone indicated we DBers have essentially been fired as a spouse. It has been helpful for me to think of things this way. If I'm fired, then I'm not being "paid" (in love, reciprocal care, respect, etc.) to do things I previously did. I'm balancing that with "pro bono work" like remaining polite, or helpful as I might be to a stranger, co-worker, or acquaintance, but not at the level by far I was when I was "employed".
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
yea I honestly feel like she isnt seeing anyone else. I know I could be naive in thinking that but just have a feeling she isn't
Originally Posted by Kind18
Look, I’m no DB veteran, but I’ve been around here for quite a while now.
The number of times there has been an affair person (AP) involved - hundreds.
The number of times there has been a AP involved when the OP came along and said “I genuinely don’t think I there’s someone else” - hundreds.
The number of times there hasn’t been a AP - maybe 1 or 2. Total. That’s in four years I’ve been here.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. But despite you thinking you know your wife better than anyone else, it’s almost a dead certainty there’s someone else. Chances they haven’t been intimate - pretty slim.
The sleeping on a girlfriend’s couch because she’s stressed - makes it a total certainty IMHO.
Women are monkey branchers. They’re pretty unlikely to cut the cord until they think they have a better option.
Just to give you some insight - my EXW was having an affair with one of the Dad’s from our son’s soccer team. Meanwhile she was going to church every week. This is the level of deceit involved when it comes to affairs.
One of the keys to successful DBing is to set your expectations of other people very, very low.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
When you first arrive here, many of you have done an interweb search for saving your marriage, or how to stop my divorce.
You arrive here broken and bloodied from the bomb dropping, thinking that this is some sort of a bad joke, and you feel like you are living a groundhog day, hoping to awaken from a bad dream that you are having, borderline nightmare that you are living.
Most will think that they haven't said enough, or just one more explanation will help guide you past this simple moment of insanity that your spouse is having. Most will think that it can't happen to me, because we were the perfect couple that our friends said would always be together.
Most will hang on to every word that your spouse says, look at your phone 10,000 times a minute, hoping and yearning for your spouse to call you and say that they didn't mean what they said during the bomb.
You start wondering and asking questions as to why ? where ? when ? how did it come to this ?
Some will have to deal with another person firmly entrenched between you and your spouse. And you will think that if only you could split them apart, that you would get back together and everything will be just fine.
Then, as time goes on, there are some hard truths that start to slowly shine through the madness. You start asking questions, however the questions become different. And hopefully they start to become about you instead of them. Hopefully they become about your own relationship deficiencies instead of what my spouse is doing to me.
It sukcs....BIG TIME....
It's been a hot minute since I sat in a similar place as you, and looked at these boards as a lifeline to what I was going through. The spiraling thoughts, feelings, emotions that we each face when we sit and process things inside of our own head. I would hate to think about how many hours I have spent reading here, yet it was so vital to my growth.
All that being said, what I can tell you is...
YOU ARE GOING TO BE FINE !!!!
You will get through this..
You will not only survive, you will thrive after this..
IF.......IF...
The sooner you recognize that IF you are here, reading, posting, that your marriage, as you once knew it, is OVER....dead and gone, the sooner that your healing can start...
You have been released from your position as a spouse, by your partner
That does NOT mean that your next relationship cannot be with your current spouse, it just means that anything down the road will have to be a new relationship, with new skills and tools between you.
Find the "you" that you had lost over the years...
Face the fears that have kept you stuck inside of your own head...
Realize that in most cases, those fears became a goal that you effectively worked toward...
And that for many, (by being here), your worst fear has already come true, and yet here you are, still living and breathing, so please do not waste any more time obsessing over it.
And in time, you will see this as a gift...
And I am aware that you are going to say how hard this is, and how mech ever that I agree with you, I will also tell you that nothing worth doing is ever easy. And that anything that is as important as yourself, should be worth the fight and adversity that you will face through this.
I would not wish this on anyone, however I would not trade what I learned, or who I became through that part of my life.
For now though, please understand that you will get through this....
Eat, sleep, exercise, stop looking at your phone. Stop obsessing about everything little thing that coulda, woulda, shoulda been...
Trust that in time, ALL of your questions will be answered.
In time your questions will change...
In time, the answers won't be as important as they are today...
In time, you will realize that you have had all of the answers inside of you all of this time, you've just been asking the wrong questions.
The purpose of this thread is pretty simple...
Over my time here, there are thousand small cliché sayings that helped me get through some really hard days.
Some made sense when I read them, some made sense a couple days later, and some didn't make sense to me until my thinking changed, and my focus became my growth instead of fixing anything.....
You will never talk your way out of something, that you acted your way into...
Use your anger as a shield, instead of a sword...
Your spouse isn't doing anything TO you, they are doing it FOR themselves. And it you use this time to see yourself more clearly, it can be (and should be) for you...
Your job isn't to facilitate their relationship with your children. Your job is to not destroy their relationship...
There is nothing that you can say right now that will affect your relationship, yet everything that you say right now will affect your relationship
Your fear right now belongs to you. How you handle it, will define your future...
Don't ring any bells that you can't un-ring...
Don't ask any questions that you don't want the answers to...
Stop holding your spouse accountable for your behaviors and actions...
Your marriage vows have nothing to do with your spouse...
The true test of your character happens when you are up against it...
There is a reason that the windshield on a car is so large, and the rearview mirror is so small...
Being a lighthouse in a storm, is much calmer than being a rowboat...
There cannot be a testimony without a test...
Listen without defending, speak without offending...
If you seek to understand, then you will be understood...
Be the memory today, that you want to have tomorrow...
We are all in this together.....alone...
Aim small, miss small...
If you stay in one place too long, you become that place...
Stand, but don't stand still...
MLC takes it's toll, please provide exact change...
I'm sure that there are hundreds of these that escape me. So please add any that have helped you through this...
Some hard questions I've had to ask myself...
Did I really love my spouse ?
Or were we married out of an obligation to each other and our children ?
What is the difference between Love and Obligation ??
Am I the person that I would choose to be in a relationship with ??
Do I blame my spouse for finally taking a stand ??
Can I truly forgive them ??
Can I truly forgive myself ??
What does forgiving them look like to me ??
What does forgiving myself look like to me ??
What do my wedding vows really mean to me ??
My spouse spent __ years holding this relationship together with very little help from me, what gives me the right to be angry about it being my turn ??
Do I really want the hardest thing that I have gone through, to define me as a person ??
Am I willing to sell my soul for this relationship ??
Am I willing to trade my time standing for a chance at a 50th wedding anniversary ?
Also. please know that nothing you are dealing with, or feeling, is permanent.
Everything in life is temporary, and it depends on how we choose to write the ending to our own book.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The long version. I wrote this out in case anyone needs some hope and step by step ideas today.
First, Divorce Busting WORKS. At the beginning of 2023, I lost a dear friend to covid and on the same day, my husband told me he wanted a divorce. It eventually came out that he was seeing someone else, a "friend" we were helping to leave her controlling partner. I was absolutely devastated. I couldn't eat or sleep. I could not imagine losing our family unit. Miraculously, my sister in law handed me her copy of the Divorce Busting book within a few days of the devastating news. I read and reread it and took notes and immediately applied it. I messed up several times but I dusted myself off and continued forward. To make a long story short, my H and I are not getting a divorce, he cut the OW out of his life completely, and we have been happier than ever for the last 4 months despite some terrible life circumstances. I will put the story below, and then some fine details that might help some of you.
I read DB immediately and came to several conclusions. 1. My marriage was not over and my family would not be torn apart. 2. My H still loved me, but was very, very hurt by all the ways the years had taken a toll on our marriage. 3. He was looking for an out to the pain, and had given up hope. 4. I had a much better chance of showing him that there was hope, and that I, we, could change, if he stayed in the home. Forced exposure, basically. I knew I was signing up for absolute torment as I needed to be very calm while he saw another woman, but my family was worth it.
So step one, I asked him to remain in the home for the time being. I told him I would not bother him at all, but thought it would be easier on the kids if we transitioned to him moving out slowly rather than all at once. He agreed.
Step two, I apologized to him for the ways that I knew I had contributed to making him want to leave. On one hand it really grated on me that he was the betrayer, yet I was apologizing, but I knew I had done things to hurt him as well and it was good and right to apologize. That opened up several more conversations about how he felt and I was able to apologize to him for other things as well.
Step three was my second 180 besides being so amiable and apologetic, and besides the protection of God, I credit this step with starting the journey back to my marriage. This one is NOT FOR EVERYONE, but I took it straight out of the DB book. I asked him if we could be "friends with benefits." I stressed that it was only until I had found someone else, (that bit clearly made him jealous) but that there was no reason we couldn't help each other out. Michelle stated in the book that one tactic could be to seduce your partner when they come home, no matter where you think they've been. She also made a great post on this forum about couples whose physical relationship saved their marriage. It in part saved mine for sure. She stressed in her post and I stress to you now, if is NOT a 180 for you, if it feels wrong, or if your relationship is clearly not improving after you've been intimate for a while, it's time to do another 180. PLEASE understand this is not for everyone and if it comes off in ANY way as if you are desperately clinging, it will never work. I knew several very important things about my husband: A, he was hurt above all that I had been rejecting him sexually just because I was too busy. B, sex and even non-sexual touch are at the very top of his list in the ways that he feels love. (Michelle describes a certain type of man as "highly sexed" and it applies to my H to the letter.) C, I felt he was telling the truth when he told me that he was not in a physical relationship with OW. I know exactly how he acts when he has not been sexually active, and it was very clear he was not. (Later I found proof in a love note from OW in which she thanked him for "not needing" a physical relationship (gag.) So, I knew I was not in danger of STDs. So our R was a good candidate for this 180. Yours may not be. Proceed with caution. It is important to note that I asked him for "benefits" when he was in a space where he felt more comfortable with me. 1. I hadn't blown up at him for the ghastly thing he was doing, 2. I was clear that I would give him his divorce with no issues, 3. I had apologized, 4. And then I had spent several days just being happy to see him, with no judgement, when he got home from work or presumably from her house. He agreed. And each time, things seemed to get slightly more intimate and loving.
Step four, (and mind you I'm reeling through all of this. Sobbing and praying on my knees most of the day, only to clean myself up and behave like someone that he would want to come home to by 4:30 p.m.) I made myself get a life. It helps that I already had one, honestly. I just took the initiative and spent more time with various groups of friends. I found things to occupy two to three nights per week, and I let him believe whatever he believed, but they were usually just worship services. The services uplifted me a lot and my silence about where I was going made him very jealous. GAL was the last piece that saved my marriage. The curiosity and jealousy as he saw me getting dressed, doing my hair and putting make up on to leave the house were plain as day. He tried very hard to act like he did not care but I know him.
To sum this piece up, 1. Immediately go no pressure. Detach from your emotions and make your changes RIGHT AWAY and STICK TO IT. I was bitter and critical before, I got back to who I really am inside and showed that woman to him every single day. He noticed my changes immediately. ACT AS IF you have had an awakening and you're going to be happy--because you have and you are! 2. Decide whether or not intimacy is for you 3. Get a life
Note: Detachment is NOT withdrawal!! I FINALLY understood this concept after reading an excellent post from a wise DBer. It is simply not taking things personally. We can meet anger or indifference with love when we are detached from the actions of another. It's controlling how we respond. Think of it as if your spouse is just a friend--you care about them, but their actions do not have to affect you or your emotions at all. You MUST be able to show them your real, happy, self that they fell in love with if you want them to remember how much they love you. ... As time went on, my H made many comments about how he noticed I had changed but he was afraid the changes were not permanent. I told him that it's fine, my changes were not for him. I said he woke me up to how bitter I was and I just didn't want to be that person anymore.
He continued to visit OW. I ignored it as much as I could.
He also had several more rather loud moments of letting me know all the ways I had hurt him over the years. I responded apologetically, telling him I was sorry I had been bitter all of those years and that I hoped he could forgive me someday.
When it seemed he was getting too comfortable, making demands of me as if I had to uphold our marriage while he did not, I wrote him a note. Again, this is not for everyone and it must never come off as desperate. In the note, I thanked him for our new friendship. I told him that I appreciate it that we can move forward as good, communicative co-parents. I said I wanted to assure him of a few things. I said that as I begin dating, I will be sure to honor him as my friend and my children's father in two ways: I would not introduce any new interest to the kids until we became very serious, because that's not fair to the kids. I would also not tell my new interest anything that would cause disrespect for H, and I would promote a good relationship between all involved at all times. He got the clear message that I would absolutely be moving on. And of course, none of it was a lie. If necessary I absolutely would have moved on, I would have eventually tried dating and I would have made the best of it as promised in my note. But I didn't let on how much I didn't want that to have to happen.
I also redoubled my time outside of the home and did plenty of things that had him questioning what I was up to. In fact, when he took the kids to see his family without me for a week, I made an appointment and got a tattoo I had designed after the passing of my beloved grandmother last year. And then I hung out with my tattoo guy for a while (strictly platonic, just two artists chatting, but my H was insanely jealous.) When he heard about it, he got very angry. Then he called the next day saying he'd thought a lot about it and he wanted to work things out with me, but he needed more time to know that my changes were actually real.
I gave him his time, although it was torture. I continued to be his friend, maintain the home and be a good mother. By June he had told OW that he didn't want a relationship with her. By mid-June he had cut her off and blocked her on all platforms. We had some excellent talks about our relationship, rebuilding trust and going to therapy. It's now November, and despite the sudden passing of my father in July, and the sudden passing of another of my best friends in September, our marriage is better than ever. I'm not sure that we were this happy even in the beginning. 2023 has been the worst year of my life. But I have my family intact and I can thank God and divorce busting for that.
Additional items:
Things that helped with my emotional state: •Prayer and trusting in God to change hearts •Praising God even in the pain •How to Save Your Marriage Alone by Ed Wheat, M.D. •Reading success stories on this site •Read Divorce Busting/Divorce Remedy all the way through, took notes, read again. •Staying busy and having a life. Distraction is key. •I wrote out every verse on marriage that I could find to remind myself that God is on my side, the side of healthy marriages. •I searched online for prayers to read aloud for the return of an unfaithful spouse, when I was at my lowest points and couldn't find words to pray on my own. •Read several books on healthy marriages that put things into perspective. •Winning your Husband Back by Gary Smalley
I prepared answers to give him: •When he brought up my changes, I predetermined to respond gently that my changes were not for him. •When he brought up the past or reasons he was upset with me, I predetermined to respond that I can see why he is hurt and ask him to tell me more about it. If appropriate, I predetermined to tell him he was right and that I am sorry, and ask him what would help him feel better. •When he told me something like "I saw her today" I predetermined to tell him that I appreciate him being so open and honest with me. •When I didn't know where he'd been, I predetermined to be happy to see him and if possible, be intimate with him, as suggested in DB.
I started a notebook just for the situation. It helped immensely. I'll list here some of the things that I put in it, because they give finer detail about how I handled the situation.
I wrote a "daily list for survival" and did it. •Pray •Exercise •Shower •Get dressed •Look nice for when he gets home •Read the Bible (Psalms in particular) •Journal •Tidy the house •Do the laundry •Start dinner •Be completely unbothered •In every way, be someone he feels safe and happy about coming home to.
I wrote a list of reminders and reminded myself daily: •My battle is with my own pride, not with him. He's lost right now. •I can't change a single thought in anyone else's mind--all I can do is show him who I really am and leave it to God. •My words and actions need to create a good night together. No matter what nastiness he brings. One day at a time will win my family back together. •As a Christian, my job is to love unconditionally, radically even. Jesus looked at his tormentors as he died and asked God to forgive them. I can do no less if I am determined to live out my faith.
I read a lot about what most husbands desire in a marriage, there are a lot of good books about this. I put notes from these books in my notebook. I found the acronym BEST and reminded myself of it often: Blessing: be a blessing to him, speak well of him, stay silent if that's what is really needed in the situation. Give him approval, encouragement, support, affection, and a peaceful home life. Benefit him, appreciate him, and pray for him. Men are typically very reactionary and he will likely become a blessing to you as well when he sees your behavior. Edifying: respect, admire, defer to, adore. A man encounters many things daily that tear down his ego. He would love for you to build it back up in any way you can. He likely criticizes himself enough, try to never criticize him. In short treat him the way you would like to be treated. Sharing: time, interest, activities, ideas, and goals. Listen to him and share his troubles. Care about his interests and goals. Work with him. Touch: warm and non-sexual touch is very important. Give him a massage, cuddle, hold hands. Men do not get enough of this in general. These ideas might sound old fashioned or even patriarchal, but in our society we so often want excellent treatment from others without being willing to put such respect forth first. Why not give it a shot and see how your marriage improves?
I wrote a list about who I am, because I realized that in the last 14 years or so I had allowed life and bitterness to dull my shine. I titled it "Getting Back to the Real Me" It contains things like: I'm funny, upbeat, loving, and a good mom. I'm very clean and organized, a good listener, I think things through so I'm not quick to be reactionary. I volunteer. I paint. I dance and sing when I'm really happy. I play classic rock REALLY loud. Et cetera.
I wrote a list about who my husband is. I used a personality typing system called the Enneagram to learn more about his personality type and determine what he might need from me that I had not been providing. A big thing I learned through this is that for my husband's type, he most values strength, decisiveness, and straightforwardness.
Also in my notebook, I copied this list from somewhere on the divorce busting forum and rewrote it in order to try and commit it to memory as well as adding a few of my own comments: 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help or backup from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You". It only reminds your spouse that something is wrong and makes them feel pressured. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. Be HAPPY AND CONTENT. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse- get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. If you never had time to listen before, be curious about their day and listen carefully when they speak. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold- just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing. 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. 20. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 21. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 22. Never lose your cool. 23. Don't be overly enthusiastic. 24. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 25. Be patient 26. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 27. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 28. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not my in turmoil). 29. Be strong and confident. 30. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 31. Do not be openly desperate or needy. Yes, you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. But that is temporary and not the real you. 32. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 33. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. Alternately, they are pushing at you to get a reaction that will help them justify their ugly choices. Do not take bait. 34. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 35. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. 36. NO CONVINCING! The more you try to tell someone their feelings, the less they believe you. 37. Determine what they are probably getting from another relationship and try to give that to them in a calm and detached way. Hint: it's usually acceptance just as they are, despite their flaws and mistakes. If you were picking at them, knock it off. A time will come when you can discuss your hurts with them. 38. Don't focus on the end result right now. Accomplish small goals. 39. This is about really changing your behavior, not fooling them into staying. 40. Assuming anything serves no purpose. 41. If they are fighting with you at all, they are conflicted and feeling guilty. Get away from the fight as if your life depends on it. You cannot argue your love back to you, they are trying to get a reaction to justify what they're doing. Walk away and let them sit in their guilt. 42. Don't spend too much time alone. Your brain will fixate on the pain. 43. Do and say the unexpected. Be fun.
I made a list of his complaints about me. He volunteered a lot of good information on this topic, in his efforts to justify a divorce. You have to know your spouse and weed through what they're saying for the truth, they are going to be hurt (and exaggerating somewhat) because of the situation. I will write out my list here, I should probably be embarrassed by my failings, but I want anyone struggling to know exactly how open and honest they should be with themselves: I always expected him to change first I rejected him sexually just because I was too busy or feeling down about my looks. (Too busy to make time for the needs of the person I love most in this world? Yikes.) I was quick to blame him for problems instead of finding solutions Critical Disapproving! Judgmental Unsupportive Indirect and slow to communicate my needs (when I new full well that he just needed it spelled out for him clearly. He is not a mind reader.) Unforgiving/bitter Jumping to conclusions Too quick to vent feelings to friends instead of him. (This made him feel as if I thought he couldn't handle it where I to bring problems to him directly.) Controlling Less than helpful--as in, I'd ask him to do a project for the house but never volunteer to do it together (or if it's a task I physically couldn't do, at least spend the time with him and encouraging him.) Now I'm not lazy, I would be doing other work while he worked, but he needed to feel more prioritized. Not discussing decisions with him first When he brought up a problem, I did not always take accountability right away. I would argue instead of listen when he really needed me to listen. Complaining Trying to do things on my own instead of asking for his help. He wants to help, to feel valuable, needed and appreciated. Impatient when he made mistakes
On the opposite page, I made a list of how I can improve on these negative behaviors. Combined with this, I also googled what respectful behavior looks like. My brain was such a muddle, that I trusted a list from the Internet more than my own ideas. But I knew I'd allowed the years and the bitterness to make me disregard my husband in a lot of ways, and I needed to begin treating him with compassion and respect again, even if we were only moving forward as co-parents, because after all he is a fellow human being. The list turned out to be pretty solid. **** I encourage you to Google what respecting your husband or wife should look like for yourself. I only wrote down the things that I knew applied to my behavior, but the list I found was extensive and may contain things that you should look at it within your own behavior.**** And then I implemented that list as much as humanly possible, but NOT just because I wanted to keep my family intact. It's also because I needed for myself to be a better human being to all. If I can see my nasty behavior and continue in it, what kind of person am I? I knew I would die with deep regrets had I not changed, or rather, not changed BACK to who I really have been all along, a kind and loving person who got a little warped along the way by life. I'll give some examples, but essentially this list was just the reverse of the negative list: Stop what you're doing and look at him when he speaks so he feels like he's important to you. Smile at him. Encourage him Say yes to him when you can Avoid criticism especially in front of others Defend him if others speak ill of him. (Doesn't everyone want this?) Keep him company while he does things that he's interested in Make time, your other things can wait. Memories with the ones you love can't. Try to tell him things in a factual way, men's brains tend to appreciate that. Take care of his needs as much as you can. (Again, this may sound patriarchal, but it truly isn't. Giving a gift to your spouse in meeting their needs is so rewarding. For me, I actually enjoy being a professional artist part time and using the rest of my time to be a good homemaker. So it's easy for me to have a welcoming home and a good meal on the way when my husband comes home, cold and exhausted. It may be very difficult for you to do the same, but I bet there are other needs you can meet that would help your spouse feel like a million bucks.)
I also wrote a list of goals as suggested in divorce busting. Remember to keep your goals small and look for tiny improvements as you consistently show your changes through your actions. Mine started with tiny things like "he will initiate physical contact in a non-sexual way" And worked up to things like, "he will not feel the need to lock his phone" and "he will ask me on dates" and "he will apologize and make right what he's doing." As of the end of June, all 25 goals were met.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm not gonna focus too much on where HE is...I'm gonna ask you some questions about where YOU are...
Whether he is home or not shouldn't change who you are and hopefully have become through all of this....Standing your ground and absolute boundaries are your only lifeline to finding something different. And you have to enforce the boundary in order for it to mean something....With any luck though, YOU should be light years ahead of him when it comes to relationship skills. I don't know you, however hopefully, you have been honing all of the things that you didn't like about yourself within the confines of a relationship. Making changes to yourself and for yourself.
So some questions.....
What does reconciliation look like to you ??
What does having a healed marriage look like to you ??
What boundaries are you putting in place to protect yourself ??
What fears and anxiety are you having over the thought of this ??
What does forgiving him look like to you ???
How can your boundaries be strong, without punishing him ?
Have you forgiven him ??
Have you forgiven yourself for your part in the breakdown of this relationship ???
Anyhoo....maybe some things to think about.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
